Ive just found some dummies in my 12 year old daughters bed

[MyQuickPearlLeader]

Hi i made shocking find yesterday morning when I was changing my daughters bedding to find 4 dummies stuffed in her pillowcase. She was very attached to her dummies when she was younger she had a dummy until about 6 ( I know it should of been gone long before but she really struggled with self comfort and at the time I thought it was the right thing to let her keep it) she gave it up quite easily then I just dont understand why she has started using them again. I left the dummies there and the bedding as it was. I haven't spoke to her yet as I dont know how to approach it :( please be kind :(

Or you know, we could follow actual advice from the NHS and reduce phone use at night.

Grown adults sometimes struggle to limit their phone time. Children and young teenagers def need help to do this.

I don't want to derail by talking about phone use rather than dummy use, but it's not impossible there's a connection between simulating phone use at bedtime and needing help to self-sooth/calm down.

Well your d obviously needs one, then she wouldn't need a phone. Simple really.

Ah bless her. She obviously takes comfort in it.
Any issues with her teeth that you are noticing?

I’d be also wondering if she is talking to a weirdo with a dummy fetish.

Get her an alarm clock and for the love of God stop letting her have her phone in her room at night time.

Lots of people. That's why they're widely available in shops or online.

I sucked my thumb as a child. I continued to suck it fairly regularly - and certainly every night - until my early 20s. I’m nearly 50 now and at times of extreme stress or exhaustion I am often surprised to feel that urge still come over me. I’d leave it be. She’s not walking around with a dummy in the day and clearly knows it would be viewed as odd, hence hiding them.

incidentally, the thing people always say about thumb sucking (or dummy-sucking) is that it will leave teeth misaligned but my teeth are perfectly straight - often commented on by the dentist - and I have never had braces.

I'm 28 now but vividly remember in 2010 me and my friends used to buy them(so aged 13). Didn't last very long as a phase, just felt like a closure on that chapter (as silly as it sounds!)

I wouldn't say anything as I think she'll be embarrassed that you found them.

Instead Id take her out for a hot chocolate or ice cream and do a check in with her.

I'd also have a good root through the phone to check for anything dodgy. The rule in our house that for the privilege of having a phone, I can check it whenever I see fit.

You found this “shocking” and “didn’t think a soft approach would work” I’m a little bit concerned as this sounds as if you were thinking of punishing or shaming her in some way Op…sorry if that’s a giant leap!!
It sounds as if, for whatever reason, your dd is needing a little extra comfort at the moment. Possibly the increased stress of starting Secondary school or trouble sleeping?

I wouldn’t be making a bit thing about the dummies at all and possibly wouldn’t even mention them. I’d focus on making sure all’s well with your dd and helping her build a range of sleep/anti stress strategies if she needs them.

I would not let my child have a phone in their room overnight. That is the biggest thing you should be addressing. You can charge it in your room and put it outside her door in the morning before her alarm goes off so that wakes her. You can also use Alexa/Siri to set an alarm and play it through a speaker in her room. She can have music to wake up to.

No way should any teen have a phone in their room when they are meant to be sleeping. The fact that you are checking on her says you don't trust her and you shouldn't. Mine had plug in alarm clocks. They are now young adults. If you saw the shit that friends post throughout the night to prove they are awake and therefore cool you wouldn't let her have a phone with her. My friend's son used his to set an alarm for 2am to game with his mates until 5am then went back to sleep. The only reason my friend discovered this was because she had run out of paracetamol that she keeps in her en-suite and went to get some from the bathroom meaning she saw light under his door.

Remove the phone starting tonight.

48 and still suck my thumb ….. better than smoking

She must do thats the only thing I can think. No there are no issues at all she only went to the dentist last week and her teeth are perfect

I didnt know how to approach it that why I've came here for advice :(. I did pop my head in last night a she was half asleep with one in her mouth and one in her had near her nose. So I definitely know now that she i 100% using them. I haven't mentioned anything to her today. She always comes to me if there is any problems or issues and she regularly comes and snuggles up on the sofa after tea. It maybe the stress of transition with school

That's what I thought.. I'd hate to put her in a position to make her embarrassed or uncomfortable. I'll have a good nosey through her phone to rule out anything sinister

I'll have a good dig through her phone. I really hope thats not the case :( she is very open with me about anything like weirdos etc. Ive always told her be very wary of people online and predators

She must be getting comfort from it as last night I went in unnoticed she was half asleep i think with one in her mouth and one near her nose. She didnt mention that I'd been in last night this morning at breakfast so I definitely went noticed.

I'd not mention this at all to be honest.
What good would come of it? What do you hope to achieve?
She's not sucking dummies in public is she.. so obviously she feels some kind of shame regarding it.
Maybe she just bought them out of curiosity to remember what they felt like? Maybe she was stressed and felt they would comfort her.. maybe it was part of a joke or dare..
I mean tbh it's her own business and emotional journey. I don't think we should always rush to be so emotionally invasive with teens.
It's am age when they are going on this journey to adulthood and do need a certain amount of privacy and space to do that.
It seems wierd I get it. But haven't we all done wierd things?
I remember in my early teens I used to write swear words in marker pen on things.. then get worried and the chuck the things away. Stuff like pillowcases or shoes. Really odd behaviour. To this day I've no idea what that was about. Only lasted a few months. Would have been absolutely mortified and humiliated if I was confronted about it so glad no one noticed. And thing is I wouldn't have been able to explain it anyway.
I feel like your daughter might not be able to explain this either and all talking to her about it would do is make her feel shit about herself.
And really what's the harm?

As far as Im aware she only uses them at night in her room. She most definitely can talk to me about anything

You’ve had great suggestions and advice here, nothing to add from me. But I will say there’s something very disturbing about a tween sucking on a dummy while using her phone (she may not be, but she could be). If she’s mature enough to use a phone in her bedroom responsibly (she’s not, she’s 12), she’s mature enough not to be needing a dummy. More, though, I would be worried about the neurological programming of bed/dummy/scrolling/soothing especially at such a formative age for brain development. I’m not saying this to shame or attack you - but sometimes we all need an outside light shone on our home lives to see what perhaps we don’t see clearly ourselves.

Well, just ask her about it then?

I remember playing with dolls when I was 12. I was very aware that I was 'too old' to play with them and I'd hide them as soon as I heard anyone coming.

It must have bothered someone because it was suggested that I cleared out my old toys including the dolls as a neighbour's daughter would like them. I remember being very upset.

Yes I was 'too old' to play with dolls but what harm was I doing.....

I would just like her to confide in me a bit more :( and too share such things even though it maybe a little odd? I had a dummy myself until a similar age (when she was younger). There's no harm, i just wanted to know why she would like too use them

I understand but do you share everything you do? Even the strangest things? Sometimes it's ok to keep stuff to yourself if you feel ambivalent about it or you can't really explain it or even just because it's personal.
It's a hard age being 12 and sometimes they do need a bit of privacy and space and that's ok. Doesn't mean they aren't still close to you or they don't trust you.