Boyfriend not happy with pregnancy.

[Username129]

I’m 20 and my boyfriend is 21. We’ve been together just over 2 years. I found out I’m pregnant 6 days ago. I’m on the copper coil (as far as I know), but I have an emergency scan tomorrow to check where it is because they think it may have come out, which is how I ended up pregnant. Clearly, neither of us were ready to have a baby, which is why I had the coil. This obviously came as a shock to both of us.

Over 2 years ago, with my previous partner, I had an abortion because I knew I couldn’t do it with him and I felt too young at 17. The abortion went wrong and I ended up miscarrying a few weeks later. It was really traumatic, and I went through it completely alone. I was sat in my own blood for hours, holding my baby in my hands. I would never, ever want to go through that again. I regret it every single day. I’ve always felt like my purpose in life is to be a mum and have my own family.

When I told my boyfriend I was pregnant, he didn’t really say much at first. Later that evening, he told me we have to get rid of it. But he’s known from the very start of our relationship that I wouldn’t be able to go through with an abortion again — it’s something I’ve always been honest and open about. I reminded him that I can’t and won’t get an abortion, because I simply wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Since I found out, he’s been cruel. He’s called me vile, accused me of trapping him, said it’s going to ruin his life, said he hates his life now, asked what it’s going to be like moving forward. He’s said he’ll kill himself and that he’ll leave me. I’ve stayed calm the entire time and tried to give him space to process everything, but he’s had me crying hysterically most days from how he’s been treating me. Then as soon as I cry, he’s suddenly nice — hugs me, says he’s sorry, and that he doesn’t want me to leave.

The other day I asked him directly, do you want me to leave or do you want to make this work? He said he wants to make it work.

Last night, I called him while I was at work because I’m not feeling great and I’m going through a lot of symptoms. All I wanted was to talk about it, but anytime I bring up the pregnancy he acts like I’m annoying him, saying things like “ugh shut up.” I got annoyed and told him he needs to grow up and deal with it, or just f* off. He said “whatever” and other things, and when I asked why he was doing this to me, he told me to leave him alone. I hung up and messaged him explaining how upset I am, how he’s making me feel, and that this bullying isn’t okay. He never replied or called me back.

I do sleep-ins at work and work very long shifts. He knew he upset me, and still left me at work feeling like this — unable to sleep, upset, and alone, knowing I already hate staying here, let alone now. I haven’t heard from him since, and it’s now 10am the next morning. I don’t get home until 10pm tonight.

Your relationship is over. You might have an abortion to keep him, but you will just limp along together for a while, hating him for doing this to you and eventually you’ll walk away.

So forget him and what he wants. In 8 months time you will be single. Do you want to be a single mother at 20 (possibly just turned 21) or single and childless?

if you want to continue with the pregnancy, theres some help available, check what you’d be entitled to, what your work maternity policy is (some are more generous than the legal minimum). Do you have supportive family who might help out?

Im sorry he’s shown his true colours. But a man who doesn’t want a baby uses condoms. Don’t waste any more time on someone who could treat you so badly.

Is either of you really ok to be a parent?

Concentrate on you. It doesn’t sound like he’ll be there for you. He might mature yet and wake up to his responsibility so it’s not an impossibility, but I wouldn’t count on it and I wouldn’t waste my time running after him.

Do you have friends or family who can help you?

I am ready. I have a good-paying job, an amazing family around me, and I know my purpose in life is to be a mum and have my own family. And I have so much love ready to give to my baby.

He is already showing you exactly how he feels and it is not love. Someone who truly loves you would never try to pressure or guilt you into an abortion, especially when he knows how traumatised you have been in the past. This is not about him being scared, it is about him being selfish.

A man who cares steps up whether he is ready or not. He supports you, protects you and makes sure you feel safe and cared for. You would be able to feel his love even through the fear. But instead, he is making you feel alone, broken and bullied. That is not love. That is emotional abuse and it will only get worse, especially once the baby arrives.

You need to think about your future and your baby’s safety. He already sounds like a dangerous presence in your life, not just emotionally but mentally and possibly financially too. Please do not let him destroy what should be a powerful and beautiful chapter in your life.

Leave him. You will be okay. You will have a baby who will love you unconditionally. That is more than enough. You are stronger than you think.

Thank you so much for saying this. It’s exactly what deep down I already know but hearing it written out like that really hits me. I keep making excuses for him and holding on to the good moments but the truth is he has shown me more cruelty than care since the second I told him. I never imagined I’d be treated like this, especially at a time like this. I’ve done nothing wrong and I’m already trying so hard to be strong for this baby. It’s scary thinking about doing this without him but reading your comment reminded me that I’ve already done harder things on my own. I just wish he was the person I thought he was.

He's being a dick and treating you badly. However, he's also 21, in a relatively short relationship, doesn't want a baby at this point in his life and didn't plan to have one, contraception failure happens but it's not like people think "well my partner is on contraception but it might fail" when they have sex. They just don't. They think "we're using contraception we should be safe". Calling him to complain about your pregnancy symptoms at this point probably wasn't the most helpful thing.

He probably needs some space to come to terms with the fact his life is going to look quite different to how he imagined. You might too but if you see your purpose as "being a Mum" your coming to terms with it might be much easier. Let him actually have that space.

You may still want to leave him for his behavior and I would certainly make plans for a future alone.

I’m actually so sorry you’re going through this. When I say this was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through I don’t mean giving birth or becoming a mum. I mean exactly what you’re describing, being pregnant and dealing with a man who’s acting like this. It completely broke me. From my experience he won’t change. He might come around for a few days and make you feel like there’s hope, like he’s going to try and raise this baby with you. He might even say all the right things. But eventually he’ll fall back into the same behaviour. I really hope for your sake that he’s different and that he wakes up soon because if he doesn’t he’s going to lose everything. The mother of his child and his child too. Men don’t realise how much damage this kind of treatment causes. But one day maybe even 20 years from now he’ll look back and regret missing the first scan, hearing the first heartbeat, finding out the gender, being at the birth, watching the first steps, hearing the first word, waking up with his baby on his birthday. He’ll miss all of it. It’s heartbreaking for you, for your baby and even for him. I truly wish you all the best and I hope he steps up before it’s too late. You deserve so much better.

I understand where you’re coming from but I don’t fully agree. I think calling my partner while I’m at work to say I’m in a really bad way, feeling so sick I can’t eat and unsure if I can even stay at work, should be completely okay. Whether he’s still processing or not, I want a partner who’s able to feel scared but still be there when I need support — just like I always try to be for him. I’ve told him multiple times that I understand he needs time to come to terms with everything. I’ve even offered to go and stay with my mum to give him space. I’m not expecting him to have it all figured out straight away but I am still going through a lot myself, especially with an emergency scan coming up, and it would mean something just to feel like he’s there for me. Processing is valid but so is needing support during one of the most vulnerable times in my life.

Keep the baby if you feel it's right for you and you have the right support network.

But please do not try and make it work with this man, you're only postponing the inevitable.

Threatening to kill himself is the highest order of emotional manipulation and if he's doing that now imagine what he'll be like when the baby was here.

As an aside, if he does it again ring the police to go around and do a welfare check. Might snap him back into reality. (I had to do this with en ex and it stopped after that)

I think you are hoping that he will turn into a different person. He won't. He was a very young man whose girlfriend had the copper coil fitted - one of the most reliable forms of contraception.

You, meanwhile, are desperate to be a mum.

It's not going to work. As a PP said, you are going to be single one way or another. You have to decide if that is going to be with or without a baby.

How am I desperate to be a mum when I had the coil fitted, one of the most effective forms of contraception like you said 🤣 Yes, I’ve always known I wanted to be a mum one day, but that never meant this was planned or something I was trying for. The pregnancy wasn’t expected, but I’ve made the decision not to go through another abortion, so the only choice left is for me to step up and take responsibility. That’s not desperation, that’s doing what I feel is right for me.

Being young is NO EXCUSE for his vile behaviour. If men don’t want a baby, they always have the option to wrap it. We need to normalise that - boys, if you don’t want a baby, wear a condom. He didn’t, he faces the consequences of contraception failure.

leave him, he will never be a decent person, have your beautiful baby with all the support you have, and file for CM.

Thank you so much, it’s so hard as I love him and I don’t want to have to leave him. I know I will probably have to though.

Get rid of him. Selfish immature idiot. You and your baby deserve better.

When you say you love him op, what do you actually mean?
if you were writing a list of traits for someone you want to love, would they include cruel/nasty/selfish/immature? Because that it what his behaviour is.

you probably mean you love him when he’s being nice when everything is going well.
but actually real love is the support you receive when things have gone wrong. That’s the marker of the difference.

I get that and I agree that you should have a partner who you can share those fears with and who would support you. This is part of the reason I say you might want to consider leaving, you might never be able to forgive this.

But what I'm saying is when someone feels trapped and cornered and like they've lost control of their life, which to a degree he has (you both have, I'm not negating your fears) if you really want to give him space to process then you need to actually do that and just stop talking about it. You have a supportive family, for now, reach out to them. Each time you tell him about something else related to the pregnancy, especially your fears or something you need reassurance about, you're adding pressure to an already very pressured situation. It's also unlikely to get the supportive response you actually need.

For both of your sakes, use the rest of your support network, the ones who are actually in a place to offer you the support you need. It will help you because you will get a better response and it will help him because it will reduce the pressure.

Im not excusing his behaviour to be clear, I think it's awful, I'm just suggesting something that might be useful.

You are both so very young. Would it not be better to wait and have a baby with someone who wants one too. Someone who loves you and wants to commit. There are good men out there and you've only just left your teenage years behind. You haven't given yourself a chance. You say you have great support around you but personally I think it's wrong to assume your mum (or whoever) will share responsibility for your baby or that they'll be utterly thrilled at the prospect. That's not the way to bring a new life into the world.

I want a partner who’s able to feel scared but still be there when I need support

But he's not that man. He is showing you that with what he is saying and his actions.

I wrote this with the hope that other mums might be able to offer advice or support with what I’m going through in my relationship. Not to be told that I’m assuming my mum will take responsibility for my baby or that they wouldn’t be happy. My mum was one of the first people I called when I found out and she has been nothing but supportive since. She’s my biggest supporter and is genuinely happy for me. I’m sorry if you haven’t experienced that kind of support in your own life, but it’s not fair to assume that’s the case for everyone.

Yes, I’m young and no, this wasn’t planned, but this baby was conceived while I had the coil, which is one of the most effective forms of contraception. That alone makes me believe this has happened for a reason. I’m not going to get rid of my baby because of my age, and I’m definitely not going to do it because a man is trying to pressure me into making a decision about my own body.

I came here looking for help and insight into how to handle things with my partner. If you don’t have anything to offer around that, then please don’t comment on my family or their involvement.

Thank you for your perspective. You’re right that love isn’t just about the good times…. it’s about how someone supports you when things are tough. That’s what I’m struggling with right now. I do love him, but I’m also learning to see the difference between love and how someone treats you. I want to believe he can be better, but I’m also trying to protect myself and my baby. It’s a hard balance and I’m figuring it out day by day.

You’ve decided to keep the baby. You will always remember his behaviour at this time. He doesn’t sound like a good man. Prepare to go it alone with the support of your friends and family. Don’t hold out any hope that he’s going to behave better and then it will be a pleasant surprise if he does.

I think you should be clear what you're actually getting into.

Your bf has shown his true colours. Staying with him and bringing a baby into this isn't a option- being a Mum means putting your child ahead of your own wants.

You are looking at life as a single mum with an uninvolved Dad, who may well drop in and out, make vexatious claims for custody he doesn't actually want, refuse to pay CMS until forced and generally be a hostile presence in your life for at least 18 years. There will be arguments about what adequate parenting is and aggro from the outset. It will never be what your child deserves.

You may think that you have good enough support, but you may well not fully comprehend the intensity and relentlessness of parenting. Hobbies, careers, nights out, friendships, even simple pleasures like eating a hot meal uninterrupted are disrupted even in 2 parent households, for a single parent, you're looking at a substantial period of time where those things, and dating, will be off the table.

You do have the option to chuck the bf, terminate the pregnancy, find someone better who actually wants children, and next time be in a position to do this with a good Dad in place.

I think it is important to have a realistic view of what this life is going to be- it's not an easy road.

Tbh op, your response are INCREDIBLY mature. More than some people twice your age! Sometimes, age isn’t a marker of maturity, more personality/experiences/how you’ve been brought up. You seem ready 🤗

If you feel having your baby is right for you, then continue with the pregnancy but plan on doing so, with zero support from your boyfriend. I understand he's young at 21, and with you having the coil fitted, the pregnancy is a shock (as it is for you too) but that doesn't excuse his cruel, nasty behaviour towards you. No, contraception is absolutely 100% safe, there is always a percentage of failure, no matter how small. Your boyfriend doesn't want to be a Dad (not yet anyway), and it's sadly that simple. Your relationship has come to an end, in my opinion. If you stay together, he will resent you and possibly the baby too, and he won't be giving you any support. Equally, if you did have an abortion (which I know you don't want), you'll be doing it for your boyfriend, who will expect life just to continue as normal, whilst you are heartbroken, which will build resentment. Yes, he could wake up between now and the birth and it all may end up wonderful, but sorry to say I think that's unlikely. End the relationship, don't stay with him if he's going to treat you like crap, that's not going to do you or the baby any good. You want a peaceful, smooth pregnancy, not one filled with stress and anxiety. Look at one of you moving out, start planning for your baby with family support.