How do you cope with the huge emotions from the tiny people?

[Ifthisiswheretheworldisheadingcountmeout]

I was raised by someone with a temper, as was she; it seems to be a family heirloom noone particularly wants. I got used to making myself small, quiet, not fuelling the fire. As an adult I had therapy to help me realise it was never about me. I also have a temper. I was never allowed to show it as a kid so I'd usually take it out on myself. As an adult I had therapy for that too. I learned how to control my emotions, at least outwardly, most of the time. I often still feel the rage inside. I wish I knew how to control it inwardly, so that I felt calm rather than just acting like it until calm returns, but I don't seem to have that skill (yet?!).

My daughter seems to have inherited the rage. Or maybe she's just 4 (🙏). She can fly off the handle at what seems like nothing. An hour or so ago I wanted to change her bedding, she didn't want me to, I explained why I was doing it and she flipped. She's tried to hit and scratch me multiple times. She's screamed herself hoarse. She tried to trash her bedroom. I didn't let her hurt me, or herself or cause any damage, but remained calm and she stopped after a little while. Might have been anywhere between 5 and 15 minutes, I wasn't watching the clock. We talked about why reacting like that isn't okay, and what she can do when she's feeling furious. She's apologised for all the behaviour and helped fix the mess. She's now in bed.

But I'm reeling. Every time this happens it reawakens the feeling of being helpless and having someone scream and shout at or around me. I remember having my bedroom trashed by my trusted adult. The memories are horrible. I'm hoping by building DD's tool-kit early that she will be better at controlling this rage monster than any of at least the last three generations. But I need to work on my resilience too. Her anger leaves me feeling numb, like I did when I was a kid. I think because the same things which worked to get out unscathed then also work as a parent (remaining calm, not fuelling the fire...the only thing I can no longer do is leave as walking out on the tiny rage gremlin would be frowned upon 😅) I already spent 17 years of my life getting though someone else's rages, I wasn't mentally prepared to do it again.

Does anyone have any tips?

Monkey see monkey do,at the end of the day you know you rage your an adult and it's up to you to control it and now it will pass onto the.next generation then the next.

Did you actually read the OP or what 🙄

I totally understand where you’re coming from and I also struggle with the same issue. My dad hand an awful temper, I am also hot headed, yet stuff it down, and my daughter is too. I wonder how much is nature to be honest, having that sort of temperament. And so many behaviours can bring back memories from our own childhood when becoming a parent. I had hours of therapy to try to manage the beast within, but in the end it was medication that has transformed me and actually made the difference. Not saying it’s the case for everyone, but I def the damage was so deeply set from my own childhood, that I needed something stronger.

the fact that you’re aware of it is such a great start. You’re on the journey, and no parents are perfect. So long as you’re doing your best that’s all you can do. The ghosts from the nursery are very difficult to shake

I almost hope not 🫣

Thanks for this. It's oddly comforting to know it's not just me. I've sat in the garden and asked DH to talk at me (he's usually super quiet after big emotions) to try and fill my head with other things, which has helped a bit.

Hope you find some peace x

Some will disagree with me but I'm in the behaviour is a form of communication camp especially with young children who don't know how or why they feel emotions.

it also sounds like you never learnt to regulate your emotions and it might help learning that so you can teach her. It's difficult so hugs! But also doing some work with her on emotions and how to express safely etc

Being her calm is exactly what will help her not to experience what you did. DD had very big emotions at that age and waiting it out and then big hugs definitely helped her and outbursts became less frequent over time.

I think she is just being 4 and nothing to do with inheriting anything and if you continue to parent her like you are she will learn that it is okay to show her emotions but will gradually learn to control them more. Saying that, I always felt pretty shaken up afterwards!

You're right I never learned, until my 30's. But even now I don't think I do it well at all. It takes me ages and it feels like I'm putting the anger in a padded cell rather than actually dealing with it. I have this petulant inner voice who doesn't want to do the deep breathing or other regulation techniques. She wants to rage. But I don't let myself give in to that. Only the mantra has changed. As a kid giving in would have been putting myself in the firing line. Now I want to be calm because who wants to carry all that anger around?! So I try to spend time outside, deep breaths, move my body, calm the nervous system etc. When I speak to my 4 year old it's like I'm directly talking to the inner me. She has zero desire to regulate. She wants to rage. Think that's what makes it so tough. The devil on my shoulder is completely on her side 😅

Im open to any advice if you have any!

Well done for working so hard to recognise and work through really difficult issues, and for having enough self awareness to know you are being understandably triggered when supporting your own child through their big feelings. That’s massive! I get why this is really hard for you, I had a much safer childhood but nevertheless found my own children’s rage/tantrums upsetting to deal with as an adult.
one thing that helped me was joining a military style fitness class twice a week with boxing, it felt like a very safe, healthy way to release my own pent up anger. During lockdown I did Joe wickes 20min high intensity workouts which had a similar effect of feeling like I’d was releasing my feelings rather than bottling them up. I would occasionally go swimming and scream very loudly underwater too…may be a bit mad but it worked for me!
it is a hard phase when children are that age, especially if they lash out in anger, so also be kind to yourself and know you are not and never will be your parents, you are breaking the cycle

Is this usually before bed?

In terms of resources to help her through her anger,one of my children liked a glitter bottle. We made it with water and sequins/glitter inside and with superglued lid. She would shake it really hard then focus on watching the glitter settle. Sometimes there was bashing of toys and very vigorous shaking, but it eventually resulted in watching the glitter then calming down.
also I would sit in the room but cross legged and head down, like passive body language, so she knew I was with her but out of the firing line of her rage, then when she was ready she’d come and sit on my knee for a hug. I found this helpful as my main instinct was to physically go to her when she was raging, to hug her, to fulfill my need rather than hers, but then I’d get hit and it would become a cycle based on this secondary behaviour. Whereas just sitting alongside her was the idea that it is ok to have big feelings safely, and that I was with her, but also kept me safe.

It sounds like you’ve worked really hard to stop generational trauma and do better for your daughter. So well done to you @Ifthisiswheretheworldisheadingcountmeout facing your own demons for the sake of others is no mean feat.

Your feelings after she has been in a rage are completely valid and, dare I say it, normal. It’s normal to be emotionally invested in your children. It’s normal to feel elated when times are good and reeling when times are bad. It’s how we process and act on those feelings that matter and it sounds like you are smashing it. You probably just don’t realise it because you were never shown emotionally healthy parenting, so big hugs to you.

I presume you’ve read ‘The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read’ by Philippa Perry? If not I’d really recommend it.

Sometimes I would sing calmly too so she would know I was ok and safe in that moment, as music can register in different parts of the brain so would sometimes cut through to her quicker.
when hugging after I would always repeat mantras like “there is nothing you can do that will stop me loving you. It’s ok to be mad. We need to stay safe though. Those were a lot of big feelings. You felt mad/sad etc “ the idea being to vocalise what had happened for her and also reduce shame. I based this bit on the book you wish your parents had read by Philippa Perry, which I highly recommend

Cross post book recommendation! 😀

Reading your post, I wonder if the book "Burnout: Solving the stress cycle" might help you. It's not that I think you're burnt out, but the techniques about how to release and process feelings (stress) in that book might aid you in finding a way to release your own feelings.

I also find thinking about a cycle helps ne stay in tune with when my daughter is ready to turn to me to calm down, and when its still "too soon" I her own cycles, which helps me ride her tantrums out calmly.

Thanks for the book recommendation. I shall have a look!

This is really helpful. I have listened to that book, and the How to Talk series which I found helpful, as well as Calmer, Happier, Easier parenting. But I think they could all use a reread!

I am definitely better when I get regular exercise. I signed up to a self defence class last year and was so much nicer for it. But life got in the way and I've not been for ages. Thanks for the reminder.

The glitter/calm bottle is also a great shout, I think we could even make it together which would be a nice activity. Was it just standard glitter and water?

Edited to say thanks for letting me know it's not just people with generational cycles who can find this tough!

Gosh I hope so. It's a lot to be in fight or flight mode with someone who you can see is so small and basically helpless. I'm telling my body I'm not in danger and it's laughable because obviously I'm not, but the response is there nonetheless!

What did she say when she didn’t want you to?

I've taken a screenshot of this comment for my calm journal. Thank you for your powerful words. It's nice to think that actually it's not be doing this badly but actually connecting with my child in both positive and negative emotions is normal.

I feel like it's so much to break in one generation, I'm definitely not doing things perfectly enough for that. But hopefully it'll set us and any future generations on the right path. If she can start building her tool kit at this age rather than waiting to be able to afford a therapist then she's going to be in a much better position than me already.

Have listened to the book, it was genuinely so helpful. It's helped me resolve things with my mother and as a result we have a much better relationship and my children adore her as a grandmother. I had years where I wouldn't leave her alone with them, but she's mellowed a lot, and also realises I won't put up with her treating them like that. Incredible what words can do for healing.

I’ve worked through this same generational problem and happy to say it’s fixable. Lots of psychotherapy helped, so I’d say it’s really worth doing more if you can.

The key for me was learning to stay close to myself and my own feelings. This stuff is all learned within relationship, so by you being something different, your daughter will begin to absorb how you handle things and she’ll likely become different over time too. So really focus on yourself and your own feelings.

As an example, I used to really feel the rage when my DS spilled something like a drink. But when I focused on how I was really feeling in that moment, it was actually fear - probably from when I spilled a drink when I was little and my mum shouted at me and wen rover the top. So I was really feeling fear of getting into trouble about the spill, which came out as anger towards my son for sort of getting us (him and little me) into this trouble. Understanding all of that helped me pause when he spilled his drink, reassure myself that I wasn’t going to get into trouble and that the spill could be mopped up, then I could turn to my boy and reassure him that it was a mistake, we’ll fix it etc.

You have to really tap into your ability to become a calm observer of your feelings first (put your oxygen mask on before you can help others) and then your daughter’s feelings. Therapy helps with this because you have the experience of your therapist observing your feelings compassionately, which you internalise over time.

And I also found mediation helpful - particularly Headspace’s tutorial on the noting technique, as this is the same thing. Practicing watching what comes up in your mind, noting it, letting it pass without getting attached to it. Putting the time in to practice day to day really helps practice that pause and observation, so in the event of little ones having all the feelings you’ve got that skill to call to mind more readily.

But I would say the meditation didn’t really make sense to me until I’d done a fair chunk of therapy, as I needed that supportive relationship to even be able to tap into having and observing feelings, because I was quite shut down after childhood. Not unusual when your childhood has been filled with frightening parents who fly off the handle - you learn to shut down, dissociate or mask your feelings for survival. I think that’s why some of the techniques, like the glitter/calm bottle mentioned on this thread, have done nothing for me, because they are essentially a masking or pretending that you’re not feeling, so it’s your traumatising childhood all over again.

Good luck, I’m sure you’ll get there and work out what works for you, because it’s important to you and that alone means you’ve already broken a huge bit of the cycle.

You care and have insight op. You are looking for solutions and looking how to communicate best with your daughter which is a thing for all parents and their children as different/same personalities rub up against each other.

it might help to not view her as a tiny person but as a child. She is no where near fully formed/ developed and her emotions and her regulation of them are skills like any other and she will, with your help work in it and improve as she grows and becomes an adult.

Former what helps is having outlets. So if I’ve got the rage (hormonal at the moment), first I say it. I say ‘I’m going to need a minute. Then go for a walk, a run or do some rage cleaning.

it’s a ball of energy that needs releasing. Perhaps just acknowledging that it’s there, then finding her an outlet to let it out - she could get a little trampoline, some boxercise gloves, a dance mat or something?

she needs you to gently help her understand that angry outbursts can be hurtful, affect relationships and make her feeling worse about herself.

My young rage monster found a glitter jar really helpful too. Shaking it quite violently to vent his feelings, seeing the anger swirling around and around and slowly settling.

He also found his 'feelings cushion' a help. Basically a really big cushion he could pummel or shout into and was just a safe way to release his pressure.