How do you cope with the huge emotions from the tiny people?

[Ifthisiswheretheworldisheadingcountmeout]

I was raised by someone with a temper, as was she; it seems to be a family heirloom noone particularly wants. I got used to making myself small, quiet, not fuelling the fire. As an adult I had therapy to help me realise it was never about me. I also have a temper. I was never allowed to show it as a kid so I'd usually take it out on myself. As an adult I had therapy for that too. I learned how to control my emotions, at least outwardly, most of the time. I often still feel the rage inside. I wish I knew how to control it inwardly, so that I felt calm rather than just acting like it until calm returns, but I don't seem to have that skill (yet?!).

My daughter seems to have inherited the rage. Or maybe she's just 4 (🙏). She can fly off the handle at what seems like nothing. An hour or so ago I wanted to change her bedding, she didn't want me to, I explained why I was doing it and she flipped. She's tried to hit and scratch me multiple times. She's screamed herself hoarse. She tried to trash her bedroom. I didn't let her hurt me, or herself or cause any damage, but remained calm and she stopped after a little while. Might have been anywhere between 5 and 15 minutes, I wasn't watching the clock. We talked about why reacting like that isn't okay, and what she can do when she's feeling furious. She's apologised for all the behaviour and helped fix the mess. She's now in bed.

But I'm reeling. Every time this happens it reawakens the feeling of being helpless and having someone scream and shout at or around me. I remember having my bedroom trashed by my trusted adult. The memories are horrible. I'm hoping by building DD's tool-kit early that she will be better at controlling this rage monster than any of at least the last three generations. But I need to work on my resilience too. Her anger leaves me feeling numb, like I did when I was a kid. I think because the same things which worked to get out unscathed then also work as a parent (remaining calm, not fuelling the fire...the only thing I can no longer do is leave as walking out on the tiny rage gremlin would be frowned upon 😅) I already spent 17 years of my life getting though someone else's rages, I wasn't mentally prepared to do it again.

Does anyone have any tips?

This is the glitter jar thing
https://heartmindkids.com/how-to-make-a-glitter-jar-for-mindfulness/

Nothing to really add to the many wise words already on here @Ifthisiswheretheworldisheadingcountmeout
I just wanted to say that you have so much insight and as hard as it is to do, you are already breaking that generational cycle. You are modeling great parenting and your DD is already listening. It’s understandable you feel affected afterwards but you really are smashing it ❤️ It’s good you have so much great advice on here - sending you lots of hugs x

Please read the OP - she’s doing amazingly and is breaking this cycle. This is an unhelpful comment!