Is it normal for dads to not do anything for their kids

[Katie1198]

Married with 2 children under 2. Husband works full time and I’m on mat leave with our second child. Is it normal for the dads to not do anything for their kids?? He ignores them crying, waits for me to do everything. Unless I directly ask him like can you feed the baby? He doesn’t take any initiative to do anything. I get up with them every morning, do morning routines, feed them, make toddler all meals, sit with her whilst she eats, do most of nursery runs (unless I ask him to take her), bath them, put them in bed… everything practically. It’s really bothering me because I am mentally exhausted carrying everyone in this household because aside from basic parenting, im also running the house, doing the washing, cleaning, sorting dogs out, etc but his excuse is that he works full time and is tired… but because I don’t technically work at the minute because I’m on mat leave until October when I return to work, I’m expected to do all this even though I’m exhausted aswell because unlike him who works 3 long days at work a week, I’m on the clock 24/7, attending to baby during the night and still getting up in the morning and continuing as usual with less sleep than him.
I look forward to his days off and then on his days off, I feel like he may aswell be at work because he is no use to me. Everything still runs as though he’s at work because he must take his legs and ears off with his shoes when he returns from work.
please tell me if this is normal because I’m struggling to sustain this life with 0 help. I’m a t the end of my tether with it and I don’t know what to do or where to turn.

No, it's not normal at all. You are on duty 24 hours a day, whilst he gets to clock off. He's a lazy arsed twat.

If the man in question is a lazy, selfish arsehole then yes, it’s normal for them to do nothing. You’ve nothing to lose by telling him exactly what you think of his behaviour, & what you expect going forward.

Don’t take any crap about him not knowing what needs doing, where things are kept, not wanting to make a mistake, needing a list. He manages to leave the house & hold down a job so he can look after his own child.

At least he’s providing contraception - nothing more unattractive than a man child lazing around the house, telling you he’s tired as he ignores his babies cries - the baby you carried, gave birth to & now care for 100% of the time.

No, men are not incapable of functioning just because they are males, he's making an active choice to be a slovenly misogynist.

Consider what is the point of being married to such a failure of a person. He's meant to be enhancing your life, making it fun and easier, being an equal parent, educated himself in child development and parenting, helping his kids thrive.

If you want more from life and choose to divorce, he will have to parent his kids, or pay you for all the days he fails to parent, his pension will be divided up between you both, the house will need to be brought out or sold. Apart from that, life won't be any different except less laundry.

Ignores their crying? What the hell? Does he play with them? Even look at them?

He must do something with them, surely?

OP he sounds awful. You should divorce him.

No OP. That is not normal.

We only have 1, I am a SAHM and DP works full time. Sl8ghtly different when baby was EBF but now baby is weaning we split nights, mornings and evenings equally.

Your husband is being pathetic. And frankly is a crap father.

No this is not normal. Your prediction about him not changing when you go back to work will likely be true. I'd be very clear and say that while you're doing everything on your own without his support with the family, you might as well do it on your own so if he would like to remain as a family unit you need to see a massive jump up in his involvement before you make the decision to go it alone.

Stop doing "wife work" for him in the meantime.

It’s depressingly normal on MN.

No sorry, this is not normal. Not only does it show he's a poor parent, but he's incredibly disrespectful to you as a partner. What is he doing when he's not working, just sits and watches you juggle it all? That would be the worst part for me, partners are meant to make each other's lives easier.

Has he always been this way? How was he when you were working before second child was born?

Wtf OP. Why did you have another child with this useless father? Sorry, but it's on you. Why didn't you have this conversation before getting pregnant again?!

Tell him that you are starting to resent him, and resentment kills marriages.
Tell him that at the moment you are both on a pathway that can only end in divorce. Ask him if he wants to get divorced.
Hopefully, he will say no, he doesn't want to get divorced.
Then you discuss a fairer distribution of workload.

Two things to consider:

One - did his mum do everything? Did his dad essentially do no childcare or housework?
If so, that is his mental and emotional template for how a marriage should work, in which case you will have an absolutely enormous struggle to get him to change his ways permanently. He will always be backsliding into his default mode of doing nothing at home. Consider whether it is worth it or whether you want to end it.

Two - are you micromanaging him? Are you hovering over him and checking that he does things "properly"?
You have to stand back and let him get on with it in his own way, including the planning and management aspects. Then when he messes up, you have to stand back and let him suffer the consequences and learn how to fix things. Don't fall for the "strategic incompetence" tactic.
Don't feel you have to step in to stop the children 'suffering'.

You have to sort this out BEFORE you go back to work. Otherwise, you will go back to work and nothing will change; you will still be doing everything at home and working on top.

Yeah when you go back to work he will carry on expecting you to do everything.
You need to get someone to mind the kids so you can have a frank conversation making it crystal clear that if he doesn't change you'll be filing for divorce and leaving him, as the way it stands you are better on your own.
He needs to know you mean it and wont take any more shit otherwise he may as well just stamp doormat on your head.
My dh finishes a 12 hour shift and comes home and takes over with the kids. He isn't perfect and he does get his lie ins but he does loads of housework on his days off and loads for the kids.
But I had to throw him out several times to get to this point if im totally honest. He had to realise I was serious which I was.
I have friends who are now financially trapped in relationships with men who dont lift a finger and they are both working yet the Mum does everything at home and is fucking burnt out it makes my blood boil.

Oh yes dont do anything for him in the meantime either no washing or cooking just look after you and the kids until he sorts his act out!

When I was in maternity leave with my daughter, I fed baby, did the online food shop, did the washing and occasionally loaded and unloaded the dishwasher. My partner did all of the cleaning, did some of the washing, did most of the loading and unloading of the dishwasher, did all of the cooking whilst also working full time. I had severe depression and some weeks just feeding baby was all I could manage. If he was home he did nappies, did his best with comforting her - she was a very unsettled high needs baby and predominantly only settled for me. He took her every weekend morning so I could get some better uninterrupted sleep which he still does now and she's almost 5!

I'm expecting number 2 at the moment and am an a career break post redundancy, during office hours I do all of the house work that needs doing and do my best to have keep on top of things so there's not much to do in the evenings and weekends so we have more time as a family but in the evenings and weekends we split jobs and childcare 50:50 where practical

@Katie1198 you have posted several times this year about your relationship and how unhappy you are. People are offering you advice but here you still are. Are you listening? Is there any point to these posts?

You continuing to write posts about your dead best partner isn’t going to change the situation.

You’ve seen over and over from posters replies this isn’t a normal healthy relationship or behaviour yet you keep ignoring it.

You are the only one who can change your life and issues.

No, not normal. Have you tried speaking to him about how exhausted you are and how he will need to do 50% when you’re back at work?

If he hasn’t listened to this then you need to leave him. Why bring your children up with such a deadbeat dad?

Looking after children is menial work and it limits your freedom, he doesn't want all that shit to be his problem, that's why.
He wants to be the one who does the important work which is financially compensated so that he is the one with the status and the power in the relationship, and you have to do all the shit work and take the hit to your life.
You are both parents but he wants to be the one who gets the glory while you're the one that suffers, loses your freedom, your earning capacity etc.

I was in this situation, except he only worked part time. I worked more than full time, ran the home, arranged/transported childcare, and he was just "resting".

We've been divorced since the children were 3&6.

Absolutely not normal in my expierence, both personal and looking at my wider family and friends.
Dh was ( is)so proud to be a dad. He made sure I was well rested, got help in at nights for ( his sisters) when he was working at night.
He did the housework, shopping, changed them , fed them etc.
He never missed a sports day, parents assembly, parents evening right through to they left secondary.
As they got older He made sure I wasn't the ' go to' for clean, ironed clothes, they had to do it, same with housework.
He took them hiking, mountain biking, skiing, climbing etc.
As a result they are now adults who run their own homes and aim high with their goals. He taught them to be humble and grateful.
Dh is exactly the same as my dad and by all accounts , his dad.
Therefore no, its not normal.
Your dps behaviour is selfish and disrespectful.

Serial posters, I worry that what this place is amounts to a confessional/listener and then the pressure is slightly relieved and the OP goes back to their shitty life.

Basically, are we enabling?

Quite. I‘m not here to be the support human of women who simply choose not to help themselves.

tell him you would like a very frank conversation about your marriage. And stop doing anything at all for him as you have enough on with your children. He can make and shop for his own food and wash his own clothes. What a twat

It’s a mixture of sad and ridiculous. What has led these women to have such low expectations?

My DH did shared parental many years ago now so fully off work for months with baby and toddler, was absolutely fine (as I completely knew he would be as he’s a grown adult) and pulls his weight with us both working FT

Do the DC of these parents just grow up absorbing that “mum” needs to do everything and “dad” does nothing and are incapable except parroting on about their job?

Having supported family members in abusive relationships this happens in real life too. Moments of clarity followed by days, weeks and months where they were hoodwinked.
All we could do was offer support and advice when they were amenable and stay quiet the rest of the time so that when they have moments of clarity they know they can come to us. They did leave and each time the moments of clarity got them a few steps closer to being able to see a root out and eventually did.

To answer your question, OP, yes it's entirely normal.

Lots of shit dads around. Relationships where men pull their weight make up the minority.