Is it normal for dads to not do anything for their kids

[Katie1198]

Married with 2 children under 2. Husband works full time and I’m on mat leave with our second child. Is it normal for the dads to not do anything for their kids?? He ignores them crying, waits for me to do everything. Unless I directly ask him like can you feed the baby? He doesn’t take any initiative to do anything. I get up with them every morning, do morning routines, feed them, make toddler all meals, sit with her whilst she eats, do most of nursery runs (unless I ask him to take her), bath them, put them in bed… everything practically. It’s really bothering me because I am mentally exhausted carrying everyone in this household because aside from basic parenting, im also running the house, doing the washing, cleaning, sorting dogs out, etc but his excuse is that he works full time and is tired… but because I don’t technically work at the minute because I’m on mat leave until October when I return to work, I’m expected to do all this even though I’m exhausted aswell because unlike him who works 3 long days at work a week, I’m on the clock 24/7, attending to baby during the night and still getting up in the morning and continuing as usual with less sleep than him.
I look forward to his days off and then on his days off, I feel like he may aswell be at work because he is no use to me. Everything still runs as though he’s at work because he must take his legs and ears off with his shoes when he returns from work.
please tell me if this is normal because I’m struggling to sustain this life with 0 help. I’m a t the end of my tether with it and I don’t know what to do or where to turn.

It’s a mixture of sad and ridiculous. What has led these women to have such low expectations?

I suspect the answer to this is a hefty dose of reality. In many cases, the low expectations are justified.

Im sorry OP it sounds like your husband is taling the mick. For context my husband and I both work FT and he also works every Sat. We do alternate nights bath and bed time fornour 2 year old son and we share the cooking and nursery pick uos and drop offs. But from speaking with other mums it sounds like a lot of Dads do much less.

You just need to do less! That’s all. Stop doing everything

What you describe is normal for a lazy, entitled, sexist prick.

It is not normal for a decent man who respects his partner, sees the children they've mutually created as a shared responsibility and pulls his fucking weight at home as a result.

If you want to stay with a lazy, entitled sexist prick - and have him be your kids' role model - then it's your choice to do so.

But know that it's not normal and you're worth more. Your kids are, too.

It's common. It's not acceptable. Did you not realise this before?

oh boo-hoo he works full time. do these men not realise that women also know what it is like to work full time, and that we know it’s not actually that hard? having a full time job is not some kind of uniquely special experience that men have. Pregnancy, childbirth, the horrors of the post natal period and months if not years of broken sleep. Now THAT is hard. THAT is tiring. ffs what a wimp he is!

Of course it isn't normal. Just because he is working and you aren't doesn't mean he can check out of parenting.

This thread leans heavily on the "bin the man" perspective, but I’d gently suggest starting with an honest, proper chat with him first. Before jumping to conclusions, have you taken the time to sit down and have a calm, grown-up conversation? Not just a quick comment during chaos, but a real talk about how burnt out you are and how things need to change? Many replies focus on criticizing your DH, but here’s a different perspective. Before assuming the worst about his character, have you both openly discussed how this dynamic is affecting you? Sometimes it’s not about malice or laziness—it’s just two people falling into default roles without addressing expectations. While that doesn’t excuse the situation, it does mean there’s room for improvement through better communication. Try saying something like, “I know you work hard and you’re tired, but I’m overwhelmed. We need to figure out how to work more as a team because I’m burning out. Parenting shouldn’t be something I have to keep asking for—it should come naturally, not feel optional.” Or, “I’m totally burnt out. I need us to share the parenting more—especially on your days off. I don’t want to keep asking, I need you to step in automatically.” Having a calm, honest conversation can help reset things. If he responds with empathy and a willingness to change, that’s great. If he dismisses it, then it highlights what you’re dealing with and whether counseling or boundaries might be necessary. Whatever happens, don’t carry this burden silently. You deserve a real partner in parenting, not someone who checks out when they get home.

He is a piece of shit you are working harder than he ever will. If it were me, I’d say you want a break get him to move in with his parents. / a mate / air b and b so he knows you are serious x

When I was a young mum with two little ones my husband was totally on board with everything. He found it fun: being jumped on for piggyback rides, water and bubbles running down the walls at bathtime, feeding was always funny faces time, nappy changing took a long time with lots of "rude" noises and tickles.... Lovely, and not considered a chore.

No it’s not normal. Get rid of him and don’t let this shit example be normal for your kids growing up.

It’s heartbreaking that any father would be so uninterested in his children. I also simply can’t understand how- like physically, how? Children are inherently fun to be around and we’re wired to respond positively to our own children. I can’t understand it.

No.

@EuclidianGeometryFanhas summed up what you need to do.

Why have you had 2 kids (and animals ffs) with such a useless dud?

No!

DH does as much with DS as I do - maybe more. My dad took me out a lot

Off topic but love the username 😂SHAAAAROOOON!

I agree on here it seems to be but not in real life thankfully. Both my dad and father in law did night feeds and everything else involved with child rearing back in the 80s alongside working full time so I'm amazed that there are still men out there who are just completely useless.

You know yourself OP this isn't acceptable and I hope you find the strength to change your situation.

How was he when it was just the one child OP?

Hell no it’s not normal (although a lot of men act this way) You have 2 children not 3. If you are both at home it should be 50/50 share imo. I wouldn’t put up with it for a second. Tell him to pull his wait if he wants you to stick around x

My DH simply did not see what needed to be done, or that I was on duty 24/7 until I spelled it out to him very calmly and clearly.

Say to him you understand he works and is tired but you work too and you are tired. Just because the work you do has no income doesn't mean it isn't work. And if he thinks it is so easy and effortless, then surely it's not work when he does it either.

Explain that you don't want a relationship where you tell him what needs doing because that turns you into the nag/mother figure. You are equal adults and he is capable of learning and contributing, just as you do. Tell him it is essential that all the jobs around the house and childcare are split 50/50 once you return to work, because you cannot be on call at home 24/7 as well as at work and commuting for 9-10 hours a day. That isn't possible.

Try really hard not to be critical or judgemental in tone because he'll get defensive and not listen. Just state facts clearly. get him to look after DC and the housework/cooking/laundry for one day one weekend and ask at the end of the day how hard he thought it was. If it's easy, he can keep at it. If it's hard, he can show appreciation of you and recognise you need a break too.

Again IME, you have to make unilateral decisions to not do everything and to build breaks into your week. Men rarely offer. Or they'll suggest you have a beauty treatment once every six months. What you both need is half a day each weekend all to yourselves, to do what you like while the other one has DC, half a day out as a family, bonding and having fun and half a day being grownups and getting on with chores that will keep the home running smoothly all week - like shopping, laundry, cleaning, gardening, batch cooking etc. Learning to enjoy doing these with DC and getting them involved with 'helping' is the trick.

Yup.

Op you need to go on strike,
Tell him you're not doing bedtimes on such and such nights you're going to have a bath. Or going out. If you are too scared to do this then he might be abusive and consider leaving him. What will he do then - fight for 5050 🤣

I wish I'd had another before my break up in many ways so be happy you have two children and you can leave and not have to worry about meeting another man to have more children with

Why do you need to meet a man to have more children with? What's wrong with none or one? This selfish attitude to have children no matter how shitty the men, giving them shitty fathers is so wrong.

So not normal ... you made babies together to bring up together it's not the flintstones dark ages where he works tea on table sits doing nothing jeeze I'd lose my shit.
He is your husband not another child he is suppose to be there to support you love you help you that includes being a hands on dad ... tell him straight he best step up.
What about when mat leave ends are you to carry on like a single parent while none of his life changes.

Im in the same boat, he told me this morning he doesnt have to do dishes because he works, he doesnt have to get up in the morning because he works until 9:30 at night and i need to learn to do it all myself because im not working so need to handle akk the housework and chores and parenting. Oh and he doesnt contribute financially at all because he cant afford to, even though i pay all the bills and his car tax and insurance as well as mine and his phone bill as well.