What works for school refusal in 16YO girls?

[notallthosewhotravelarelost]

My daughter has refused to return to school this term - this is week 2 where we are. Her attendance has been a problem for a couple of year but has become worse over the last 1.5 years. We're beyond worried and desperate to help her.

We have tried everything we can think of and I've seen a parenting coach. She won't talk to us or a counsellor and won't tell us why she won't go. The only response she will give is that her teachers are rubbish. She's always had a good friendship group but we know there are currently issues - lots of the girls have started drinking and sneaking out at night. DD has only done this once as far as we know - possibly cos she looks young for her age and is quite small.

Does anyone have any suggestions of what worked for them? DD is bright and has been keeping up with her school work mostly. Next year is important as she will be doing uni entry qualifications.

She likely has very valid reasons for not going, and just isn't able to share them. Best thing I ever did was to give my son the time he needed to not be at school. He was off for a month, which allowed him to decompress and share what the problems were

Is changing school an option? I would sit her down and say that you can’t help unless she is open and honest. If the problem is the teachers then would she prefer to go somewhere else? If she can’t talk about it then can she write it down.

Could she home school using an online school or a tutor?

Is she undiagnosed neurodiverse perhaps?

My daughter never made it back into her secondary school - the anxiety just got worse the more I tried to cajole / force and she burnt out. Once I told her I wouldn't make her go back to that school and we'd find something that suited her better, she started to relax and open up more as to what the problems were. She was diagnosed autistic 6 months later, and we ended up with 1-2-1 tutoring to secure 5 GCSEs (2 already passed, 3 awaiting results next month). She's planning to go to the local college to do 3 A levels and has a lovely psychologist working through OCD with her.

My only advice would be to take the pressure off, get her to step right back. This has been building for a couple of years and it won't be a quick fix. You say she won't speak to a counsellor, but maybe try framing it as wanting to understand what's causing her distress so you can understand how to support her - remove mentions of school / education.

I'd recommend Dr Naomi Fisher's webinars - Burnt out by school was really helpful to me.

Thanks for your responses all. I have wondered if she is neurodiverse but think it is more anxiety based. I've had some advice from a friend who is an expert and she is convinced it is not autism. She's had such strong friendships until the last few weeks.

DD is one of those kids that goes under the radar and doesn't get much attention. She is bright and does well when she is there. She is involved in a very intense sport and does well so we know she can stick with hard things. It's off season atm so things may get easier when that starts up again in a few weeks - if we can get her back at all.

We have suggested other schools, online learning etc but she has a reason why none of them will work. Every option has been given a no this weekend. She just leaves the room when we try to talk to her.

@WhatsitWiggle I was given similar advice last year by the parenting coach I saw and did step back a lot. It's good to know this is a valid approach!

The only thing that worked for us as a family was stepping back and focusing on good communication instead of attendance .DD16 had 34% attendance in year 11 and wasn't back in after Christmas. Medical issues and anxiety. She was given core subjects online by the local authority and used revision guides for her GCSES. Also bright and a good kid so we think she will pass them all but not at her predicted grades.Once we took the pressure off and stopped the stress and angst about getting her in everyone's mental health improved .I feel like I have got her back. We will be doing A levels online which isn't cheap but worth it for us. School just wasn't a good fit for her .I never thought I'd be the parent whose child has such poor attendance but you can't force a child having a panic attack into school.

It’s not a valid approach if it’s not working though. It sounds like your DD is trying to take control of her life, and refusing to go to school is the one thing she CAN control. It may not even be about school at all. Until she’s ready to discuss this with you, it’s very hard to determine the cause of her refusal. Her walking out when you do try to talk is another way of taking control, she may not even know why she doesn’t want to go to school, so questioning her will likely be pointless.
What is she doing with her time when she’s not at school? Who is she spending time with, either IRL on online?

My dd (16) struggles with being in school and burnout. We thought it was anxiety as she is social etc. However, we decided to do a neuro assessment and they did find that she is on the spectrum but she masks really well. I am not saying your dd has asd but you might not want to rule her out being nd just because a friend doesn't think so. My dd is in school again but it took her being on meds/therapy for her anxiety but she is doing a lot better now and she has a lot of support in place. I hope your dd finds her path. I agree with others I would take a step back for the moment. Maybe with the pressure taken off she will open up a bit about why she doesn't want to do any of the proposed options.

Why does she have a choice? She's 16 living under your roof and I assume you pay for everything. What's her plan if she leaves? Where does she see herself in 10 years? Does she plan on living at home forever? Does she have any ambitions? Want to travel? What are her friends like? Has she worked before? Maybe show her some of your bills so she gets a reality check of what she's in store for.

Having a strong group of friends doesn’t rule out being ND though. My DD hardly went to school in Y11 and was later diagnosed as AuDHD. She has friends she’s made in school, in college and at work. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.

Agree. A high percentage of school refusers are ND. I would think it would be something to at least look into.

This wouldn't have worked for my daughter. She would have tried to.....

What did work was stepping back. Yes she failed and had to resit at college. Was so much happier than school though.
A good book is Parenting mental health by Suzanne Alderson.

Also a facebook group. Not fine in school.

Sending you best wishes in navigating this. My experience was similar, we ended up backing off completely, allowing her the time and then she decided to work with a counsellor and found an alternate educational activity. All the advice we got was doom and gloom, but we did our best in the circumstances and I can say that despite not ‘finishing school’ as such, she has just graduated from university and is a very balanced and resilient young woman. Letting her know we had her back no matter what was the one thing I can point to that made the difference. Hoping this helps you in some small way.

Have you tried getting a highly anxious, resistant teenager to do something they are adamant they won't do? It's not like getting a 5 year old into school, you can't drag them in - and, believe me, in moments of desperation I tried.

Adding pressure won't help reduce the anxiety.

Take away all phones/devices/internet…

I will investigate having her assessed.

She has always seemed to have very good emotional intelligence and has been good at dealing with people. She's kind and that makes 16 a hard age I think. There is some 'you can't come to my party if you don't do what I say' stuff going on. It sucks.

I can't figure out if we are too hard on her, or too lenient. As others have said, pilling on pressure doesn't work for anxious kids. It just makes them more anxious.

@Overthemoun did taking away your 16yo’s devices work in getting her back into school when she had anxiety?

@notallthosewhotravelarelost -your DD probably isn’t able to verbalise why she feels unable to go to school atm. It doesn’t matter how academic someone is, identifying articulating the cause and effect of anxiety can be very difficult.

You want her to be ready to apply to university. She needs to feel safe. Is there anyway she can do the uni entry qualifications without attending school? Could she be tutored or work online?

When my 16yo DS was unable to attend school he had six months of doing nothing but playing the guitar in his bedroom, then repeated a year in a different setting that didn’t put academic pressure on him. For him, taking the pressure off was as the answer. I sometimes wonder if medication might have helped, and feel a bit guilty about not pursuing that possibility.

Is your DD expected to be away from home for university? Could she be worried about that, and therefore not wanting to achieve academically so she doesn’t have to leave home? Just a thought, as I’ve known young people who have felt like that.

@chocolateface I'm not pressuring DD to go to Uni and have talked to her about taking a year out and other options etc. But there is a family expectation. Ideally I just want her to get the qualifications so she can go at 18, or later if that is what she wants.

She loves going away to sports camps and travelling. Has always wanted to go to the states to Uni. I guess being a teen can be a mass of contradictions though.

Online school is an option here but it has mixed reviews. Sixth form college doesn't seem to be. She'd have to give up her sport which has been good for her. We could probably afford 2 years of private if we extended our mortgage so will also look at that.

Thank you for all the experiences and advice. It does help.

Get her some counselling - DBT is better for neurodivergent children than CBT. Investigate a ‘worry management’ course; they are really effective in giving the tools to make positive choices.

Work with school; there should be a ‘graded reintegration’ programme for EBSNA, whereby your DD can do a little bit more school each day (even just a walk around site).

Go to your GP and ask for Right to Choose for ND assessment. It will speed things up immeasurably.

It took me a long time to recover from forcing myself into school, not going wasn't an option for me just because of the pressures I put on myself to follow rules. I now know that I'm bipolar and I that spent a lot of years 10-13 in depressive episodes with anxiety.
The thing I found hardest to deal with was not understanding my mental health. I had absolutely no reason to have low mood or anxiety, I had no answer for why I was struggling only that I was. By the time I was in year 13 I had an eating disorder, a drink problem and self harmed through what ever means I had at my disposal. I could only manage about 20 minutes of each lesson before I had to leave and find somewhere quiet to silently implode.

It has taken me a long time to get a handle on my moods and recognise the shifts, to understand there isn't always rhyme and reason to my episodes. It took until my mid 20s when I was sobbing in the GP surgery that I didn't understand why I was so low and my GP kindly said you have a mental health condition and that means you can be low for no reason at all it's just the way your mind works. I felt the chains that had been holding me slip away. So many years of not having an answer to 'what's wrong'

I just about got the grades to go to uni, where I got just enough support to get a 1st class degree. I went on to do a PhD which was when I was diagnosed with bipolar and I finally learnt it was ok to pause and stop to look after my mental health. I completely my PhD and went on to get a good job. I have a husband, a child and another on the way. In my teens none of this felt possible. I was stuck in an internal world I didn't understand and couldn't articulate my feelings and how I was experiencing the world around me.

Allow her to pause but also she needs support in figuring out the reasons behind needing the pause and to come up with a route out. School refusal is a symptom not the problem.

I actually recently gave up trying, after almost 2 years of terrible attendance and morning drama, I’ve de-registered her and now she is signed up to online schooling at home. A literal game changer to her and her mental health.

You sound like my mother.

In VI form I would walk out the house in my uniform and go spend the day doing anything that wasn't VI form.

It's probably only luck and the fact I'm quite a loner that things didn't go worse.

Op just to say having friends doesn’t rule out being autistic, my dd has a core group of best friends who are a huge part of her life, ND girls can be very good at masking and going along with social norms, and can have friends! That’s one of the misconceptions that’s prevented girls and women being diagnosed earlier or at all in the past. Same with outdated concepts of people with autism lacking empathy, you say your dd is very kind, girls can be kind, empathetic and have friends / mask in social situations and also be autistic. If you suspect she could be ND I’d recommend finding a Dr who recognises the key differences between male and female presentation of Autism and also ADHD. Many of us, like myself and my dd, are both autistic and have ADHD as well. I recommend Autistic Girls Network if you want to do a bit of reading or research on specifically autistic girls. Not saying your dd is ND just because of her anxiety around school, just pointing out there can be some outdated stereotypes of autistic girls, with ADHD as well.

@ProfessorRizz I'm not in the UK so will have to see what our options are here. It does seem to be easier to get into uni here which is probably a good thing. (Hence odd posting times too,)

@Superscientist I also just got through school feeling pretty awful and ended up with a PhD. I don't have a diagnosis other than anxiety and having shit parents.

I've always put my difficult teenage years down to a poor family environment but DD doesn't have the same challenges that I did. We're not perfect but she is loved and appreciated.

I am checking all the suggested resources.