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What works for school refusal in 16YO girls?

32 replies

notallthosewhotravelarelost · 20/07/2025 22:27

My daughter has refused to return to school this term - this is week 2 where we are. Her attendance has been a problem for a couple of year but has become worse over the last 1.5 years. We're beyond worried and desperate to help her.

We have tried everything we can think of and I've seen a parenting coach. She won't talk to us or a counsellor and won't tell us why she won't go. The only response she will give is that her teachers are rubbish. She's always had a good friendship group but we know there are currently issues - lots of the girls have started drinking and sneaking out at night. DD has only done this once as far as we know - possibly cos she looks young for her age and is quite small.

Does anyone have any suggestions of what worked for them? DD is bright and has been keeping up with her school work mostly. Next year is important as she will be doing uni entry qualifications.

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BunnyRuddington · 23/07/2025 21:17

How has today been?

Original poster
notallthosewhotravelarelost · 24/07/2025 00:27

She went in this morning - only second time in the two weeks of our new term. Fingers crossed she lasts the day as she did sign herself out halfway through the day the last time.

I'm away from home atm which is hard. But her and I seem to clash more -although I do all the morning stuff so that might be why. DH is finding it hard to manage which is probably quite helpful to get us on the same page as he hasn't really understood so far. I'm back at the weekend and DH leaves for three weeks. It's going to be tough.

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CarpeVitam · 24/07/2025 01:17

Superscientist · 21/07/2025 09:11

It took me a long time to recover from forcing myself into school, not going wasn't an option for me just because of the pressures I put on myself to follow rules. I now know that I'm bipolar and I that spent a lot of years 10-13 in depressive episodes with anxiety.
The thing I found hardest to deal with was not understanding my mental health. I had absolutely no reason to have low mood or anxiety, I had no answer for why I was struggling only that I was. By the time I was in year 13 I had an eating disorder, a drink problem and self harmed through what ever means I had at my disposal. I could only manage about 20 minutes of each lesson before I had to leave and find somewhere quiet to silently implode.

It has taken me a long time to get a handle on my moods and recognise the shifts, to understand there isn't always rhyme and reason to my episodes. It took until my mid 20s when I was sobbing in the GP surgery that I didn't understand why I was so low and my GP kindly said you have a mental health condition and that means you can be low for no reason at all it's just the way your mind works. I felt the chains that had been holding me slip away. So many years of not having an answer to 'what's wrong'

I just about got the grades to go to uni, where I got just enough support to get a 1st class degree. I went on to do a PhD which was when I was diagnosed with bipolar and I finally learnt it was ok to pause and stop to look after my mental health. I completely my PhD and went on to get a good job. I have a husband, a child and another on the way. In my teens none of this felt possible. I was stuck in an internal world I didn't understand and couldn't articulate my feelings and how I was experiencing the world around me.

Allow her to pause but also she needs support in figuring out the reasons behind needing the pause and to come up with a route out. School refusal is a symptom not the problem.

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BunnyRuddington · 24/07/2025 08:10

DH being away for 3 weeks is going to be hard. Make sure you have plenty of time yp talk to him and some things to do for yourself if you can.

Will DD do things like go out for food eith you or a walk?

Original poster
notallthosewhotravelarelost · 24/07/2025 08:57

Thansk Bunny, DD went to school this morning but left at lunchtime, then did go to her extra tuition class.

I suggested we get her half days and she asked if she can just change schools instead. I don't know if it is the 'bad teachers' or a friendship issue.

Still no ideas on which schools she is willing to look at though - everything gets a no. I'm going to set up some visits but this will all take some time. The only options will be private which we will manage if we need too.

It will be hard to talk to DH while he is away.

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Needlenardlenoo · 24/07/2025 09:38

@Superscientist that sounds incredibly awful.

You must be a very strong person to have survived that and with excellent qualifications too.

You're right about school refusal being a symptom.

I teach sixth form and every year out of my 75-100 students there are around 5 with massive attendance struggles for one reason or another.

Original poster
notallthosewhotravelarelost · 28/07/2025 21:39

I'm home and DH has left on his trip. I've not managed to get DD to school at all this week. She seems to be staying up late despite us turning the internet off at night. She still hasn't seen any friends which is unusual for her.

When I try to talk to her she leaves the room so I'm texting her about things like tutors.

Have the name of someone to assess her for anxiety etc and a list of schools to call tomorrow.

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