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Original poster

50/50 custody

42 replies

Solomarie · 19/07/2025 18:33

I am very worried about doing 50/50 custody as I have 8 week old babies and a 2 year old and the father is pushing me to do 50/50 with him, I don't want to do that, but obviously it's not about me,

Can someone shed some light on joint custody of very young babies and how it went as I think the twins at 8 weeks old are far too young for 50/50 and my toddler already is picking up on atmosphere when bd comes round,

He has been violent to me but never to the kids.

Just need some advice if anyone has any

OP posts:
sleepandcoffee · 20/07/2025 02:43

I agree that 8 weeks is far too young and I wouldn’t be letting him have 50/50 . What was the set up before separating? Did he do a lot of parenting?

Is he likely to be just saying this to either upset you or have to pay less money or is he genuinely wanting to have them ?

Meadowfinch · 20/07/2025 02:53

Generally, young babies need to spend most of their time with their primary caregiver. This obviously applies to breastfed babies but others as well.

Where parents are not together, the courts usually suggest, visits of an hour or two every other day to allow father and child(ren) to build a bond. And for dad to develop basic care skills - changing nappies, bathing, soothing, general care and playing etc.

Gradually working up to overnights at 12 months old if everything is going fine.

Keep evidence of any threatening behaviour, keep a diary of anything he says. Offer whatever sensible contact you are comfortable with. If he isn't happy with your suggestion, he'll need to do mediation and then court.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/07/2025 03:53

What schedule of 50:50 does he think a tiny baby would be OK with? Or is this just to punish you?

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BabyCatFace · 20/07/2025 04:03

Have you reported his violence to the police?

Titasaducksarse · 20/07/2025 06:26

50/50 for 8 week old babies is ridiculous.

What has contact been like up to now with older child? Is he consistent.

FYI...if he's been abusive to you he has been abusive to the children also.

Don't agree any arrangements and let him apply to court. Mediation will be suggested but refuse due to domestic abuse.

Also stop letting him into your home unless a 3rd party is there.

JamNittyGritty · 20/07/2025 06:37

We did 50/50 but my youngest was 8 then and I think this would be a very definite no with children as young as yours. If he’s a caring parent he should understand this is not in their best interests, at all. It’s possible this could be about the money - 50/50 means no maintenance is paid as children equally resident with each parent.

Original poster
Solomarie · 20/07/2025 06:40

Well we were one on one off on night feeds, but as soon as he went to work as a lorry Driver he did long hours so only really helped on his days off,

I believe he dosent want to pay for them, as he has said before when I tried talking child maintenance he said he will have kids 50/50 and this him paying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Solomarie · 20/07/2025 06:48

Ye he keeps pushing for 50/50,

I have let him come see the kids at my own house as its a safe environment for the kids and I left the house, so he has his time with them, but he wasn't happy with that as it makes him feel uncomfortable and he wants to be able to do what he wants,
I said it's not about you uts about the children,

And he has now suggested mediator as he's not happy with not having 50/50.

OP posts:
Original poster
Solomarie · 20/07/2025 06:50

He's always had control and I think honestly he wants to punish me and get his own way, he's not thinking about kids at all

OP posts:
Original poster
Solomarie · 20/07/2025 06:51

He's always had control and I think honestly he wants to punish me and get his own way, he's not thinking about kids at all,

I have now told parenatal team and they have done an assessment on him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Solomarie · 20/07/2025 06:56

Contact has been nill since we split, only up to now he wanted to see them, which is 2 weeks ago we split he didn't contact or ask how they where at all,

I agree maybe I should start having a 3rd party if he is visiting,

And I wasn't sure about mediation either as I think he can easily persuade me to get what he wants.

I have suggested to go court but he dosent want that

OP posts:
Stickieswoman01 · 20/07/2025 07:20

I’d be really concerned if he’s been violent to you that you let him have them at all.
be strong and confident. Use mediation but only to help you get what you want. This is the beginning of a 16 ish year journey for your children mapping out how they’ll live their lives.
personally I’d take as much money as you can for the children if he’s working and let him have accompanied access if anything at all.
use mediation. Use the court but remember this is about what you want and what is best for the children - not him.
try to remain strong and confident and don’t be bullied or influenced by him. Block him to a degree where possible. Humour him but don’t give in to him.
good luck xxx

BabyCatFace · 20/07/2025 09:14

You can't go straight to court without having mediation first, unless you have documented domestic abuse in which case you can decline mediation and he can then apply to court. Have you reported his abuse to police?

IShouldNotCoco · 20/07/2025 11:16

They are way too young to be doing 50/50. I suspect he has suggested this so that he doesn’t have to pay child support.

scaredysquiggle · 20/07/2025 11:35

I declined mediation due to factors such as time and emotional abuse. No evidence was required and we went straight into the court system.

Original poster
Solomarie · 20/07/2025 12:00

Thank you I do feel like he's trying his hardest to grind me down, but I will try stay strong for my babies,

No I haven't reported to police but reported to my parenatal team, she did an assessment and just waiting to here from the domestic violence team, she believed it could help me.
I am not sure about mediation as he has manipulated me for 4.5 years and I know that's what he's gonna try and do.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/07/2025 13:35

No mediation with a violent man. And do you have any way to get support from a lawyer?

Cerialkiller · 20/07/2025 13:42

How is he even proposing to do 50/50 if he is a truck driver? They aren't exactly known for their sociable hours.

Short of him changing his job significantly I can't see a court giving him more then every other weekend dependant on if he is around and even less then that for the newborn.

You said bottle feeding. Are you breastfeeding at all on top? It's another reason why he can't take the baby as it will disrupt your supply etc.

Cerialkiller · 20/07/2025 13:46

Do you have any written evidence of abuse in text or email? Where it was discussed? Coercive control is abuse too so anything like that could help prove abuse for the purposes of skipping mediation.

What is your living situation? Does he have any rights to enter your home? If so I would seek to change that asap. Cameras might be a good idea too.

Original poster
Solomarie · 20/07/2025 16:59

Don't think I can afford a lawyer

OP posts:
Original poster
Solomarie · 20/07/2025 17:01

No not breastfeeding the twins unfortunately 😕 didn't have enough supply,

Ye he works long hours even when we were together he only really had the days off with kids and even then he was on phone to work colleagues most of the time

OP posts:
Original poster
Solomarie · 20/07/2025 17:43

No not breastfeeding the twins unfortunately 😕 didn't have enough supply,

Ye he works long hours even when we were together he only really had the days off with kids and even then he was on phone to work colleagues most of the time so they never get his full presence anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Solomarie · 20/07/2025 17:49

I have just put a ring door bell up for these purposes, I only suggested he have them in my house for the sake of the kids being in there own environment and safety,

I don't think he would harm them tbh,

It's just so exhausting am trying to get the twins in a sleep routine, as well as have a 2 year old, he keeps on at me it's mentally draining, he knows what he's doing!

He doesn't even have a place to live, he has moved in to his mums assisted living, which I don't think is the perfect place for my children with his mum being a smoker and an alcoholic who's blind!

He has no baby stuff in place either!

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 20/07/2025 18:00

If you go to court OP, and he requests 50:50, the court will state specific days and nights, with handover times. On those days he will be fully responsible for caring for all three children. Nappies, feeding including nighttime feeding, bathing, entertaining. If he wants to work on those days, he will have to find secure reliable childcare - either very expensive (nanny) or a reliable relative.

Can he cut his lorry driving to 2.5 days in a week? Does he understand that on his weekends he will not be able to go to the pub or do any sport unless he finds more childcare - very expensive.

Does he understand that in two years time he will also be responsible for school drop offs and pickups on his days.

He is about to realise just how much effort and flexibility is necessary to raise one child. Raising three is a whole different ball game.

My ex demanded 50:50 and swore he would never pay a farthing towards their upkeep if I left. I left 2yo ds with him for a weekend (Friday 6pm to Sunday 6pm). Ex never mentioned 50:50 again 😁

So stay calm OP. Go to court. He won't get 50:50 if he has nowhere to live and no backup.

Stickieswoman01 · 20/07/2025 18:18

Titasaducksarse · 20/07/2025 06:26

50/50 for 8 week old babies is ridiculous.

What has contact been like up to now with older child? Is he consistent.

FYI...if he's been abusive to you he has been abusive to the children also.

Don't agree any arrangements and let him apply to court. Mediation will be suggested but refuse due to domestic abuse.

Also stop letting him into your home unless a 3rd party is there.

Edited

I think this is the best advice. You can’t go to court unless you’ve tried mediation but if you refuse on grounds of domestic violence that works. Good luck.