50/50 custody

[Solomarie]

I am very worried about doing 50/50 custody as I have 8 week old babies and a 2 year old and the father is pushing me to do 50/50 with him, I don't want to do that, but obviously it's not about me,

Can someone shed some light on joint custody of very young babies and how it went as I think the twins at 8 weeks old are far too young for 50/50 and my toddler already is picking up on atmosphere when bd comes round,

He has been violent to me but never to the kids.

Just need some advice if anyone has any

I thought that only the resident could move into assisted living? Do the managers know?

Presumably if it's a single residency accomodation then there will only be one bedroom, so not enough room for the ex and his mother, let alone adding three small children. The grandmother's disabilities and alcoholism (is this documented?) would also make the living situation unacceptable.

The more you reveal, the more it looks like he's blindly flailing, just a big tantrum really. It looks unlikely he would get any residency, let alone 50/50. Don't tell him though or he might actually do something about it.

Withdraw access that you don't want to facilitate. Set a rigid schedule and if he deviates (is late) then he loses access that day. Assume any time away from your kids will need to facilitated by you. Utilise friends, family, babysitters to fill the gap of the crap dad.

Document everything. Timeline. Journal, recordings from ring doorbell, text messages. If he tells you something verbally. Reply/confirm in writing for the record. Beware that whatsap and others can be deleted on his side so might be worth saving some of the more damning conversations somewhere secure.

If it ever goes to court you want to be visibly the reasonable, sensible, secure parent, trying your best while he makes unreasonable demands and messes everyone about.

The fact you’re putting up cameras and feeling threatened is grounds for a non-molestation order. Free to obtain and will give you some breathing space. He has no right to control this emotional narrative it’s coercive control and illegal.

Sorry but how is he gonna get 50/50 when he’s a lorry driver and also lives with his mum in assisted living? My partners a lorry driver and he has 2 kids and he gets them most weekends. He works away Monday - Friday very rare occasion Saturday mornings if he runs out of driving time. Even if he wanted too he couldn’t get 50/50. Also I’m not sure social services would allow 3 babies in an assisted living with an alcoholic and smoker either. I’d stick to your guns. Speak to a family lawyer and see where you stand and suggest mediation and maybe contact centre etc he can’t just decided weeks later to be a dad and take them out their home xx

Hi darling
I have had a newborn and an aggressive controlling ex too.
I'm so sorry you're going through this when you should just be being loved and nurtured and supported while you look after those tiny babies. No wonder the milk didn't come in when you're under all this stress, I want to give you a huge hug and say well done for being incredibly strong and putting your babies first.

With new babies little and often is best. My advice is to offer a one hour slot 1-2 times a week maximum for now- if you can do this in the community (eg at a local children's centre or children's library ) this would be best as the time can be gradually increased there.

Do NOT leave him in your home unattended it's an awful boundary cross and power imbalance.

I also used to have my ex visit me at home with my parents and he used to sprawl out on the my bed cuddling baby and taking photos, then leave when it was harder bedtime routine time and I'd be left crying with my bedroom smelling like him and he'd be straight off to the pub or tinder dates.
It got SO much better when I changed to them spending time together out at a local
Children's centre, after a couple of times going together I let him take him there in the buggy, I knew baby was safe there and qualified staff could help answer dads questions.
He turned awful to me later threatening 5050 as soon as he got a new gf that had her child 5050 even though he'd never had him
Overnight.
We know have built up to him doing one overnight a week (age 2).

It's been really tough. I don't think you should
Push court though as you never know what a judge will do and you don't want to be ordered to give him more time too quickly.
Mediation - can be good, mediators will help him see the need for little babies to have a stable routine I hope. Don't tell them you're not breastfeeding say it's combo. Don't give away too much in mediation, use it as an opportunity to understand his arguments and how he hopes to do it. Mediators will promote a gradual increase so only think about how the next steps could
Look.
A book 'how to annihilate a narcissist in the family court' has been helpful prep. Also legally nik on Instagram has great advice and does cheap 1-1 sessions.
Good luck and keep him at arms length!

Ps also the children should be kept together as much as possible. 2 year old can go out a little more with dad or do overnights if already happening happily but not separating siblings is better

It's very tough, but thank you all for all your help and guidance much appreciated!

As I don't want to separate the kids, I have said to him every other weekend but the twins come home for bath and bedtime, I don't mind the 2 year old staying over a night over weekend but again I don't want him to be out of a routine bath and bedtime either and I know that's what's going to happen,

But he's not happy with that! He's adamant he wants 50/50.

You're going to have to compromise a bit. There's a massive gap between every other weekend with no overnights and 50/50 so you're not even trying to meet him in the middle. If he's had no contact, courts won't order an immediate move to 50/50 but they will want to see contact gradually increased to 50/50 if there's no safety concerns and he wants it. It's generally assumed that having equal contact with both parents is best for children.

The fact that he is even raising 50/50 with someone who has just given birth shows the type of unreasonable person he is without care for a child. Don’t listen to a word he says get professional advice and speak to womens aid

Ask womens aid for assistance. You may be entitled to legal aid.

His plan is not in the best interests of the DC. That needs to be your angle Stay strong. Wishing you all the best

Please . Please. Please - agree to 50/50. Don’t even think about fighting it. Do not waste your head space. In 50 million years, he isn’t going to cope for 24 hours. Let alone 50/50 long term. He is trying to control you…. “Yes, mr twat of an ex, 50/50 is a great idea. Let’s sit down and divide the week / month up” - said with a warm smile … watch the twat sqirm ..

Typically, yes. But he lives in assisted living (probably on the sofa) with his smoking mum, and works as a lorry driver. He can’t do 50:50. Where’s he going to put the children? In a box?

I have i said to him if he has anytime in-between he is more than welcome to spend time with them, as I know that's a big gap,

These are very young children and they need there primary carer and a stable home surely?

Not with 8 week olds who will be traumatized by this

You’re missing the point … He is obviously just saying to control the OP. He “may” just about manage an overnight. (And as a parent who is entitled to see his kids and let’s assume has some basic skills - this shouldn’t traumatise a bottle fed baby or two … ) … BUT… the point is … he won’t want to actually do 50/50.
So just agree, smile, and watch him back down. . . was my advice….if he copes with x3 little ones, and full time lorry job, all whilst living in assisted accommodation that will have a no kids rule - then I’d be incredibly surprised. Call his bluff was more my advice.

Well done OP, I can't imagine how hard you are working at the moment with a 2yr old and 8 week old twins, let alone the extra pressure their Dad is putting on you.
It's good that you've had the assessment but if you can please ring Women's Aid Call for free and in confidence, 24 hours a day: 0808 2000 247

I love Mumsnet but where domestic violence has occurred it's best to get professional advice. It sounds like you would qualify for legal aid if there was a court case, but again this is the kind of thing Women's Aid can help with. It isn't always possible to get through first time, but keep trying. I would try as soon as you can, rather than waiting to hear back from the assessment. You can't get too much advice!

PS in case this ever does go to court in the future don't give any extra contact now that you aren't comfortable with. Judges have a strong preference to maintain whatever is already happening for the kids (status quo) - so anything you give now, is unlikely to be given back by any judge

They need both Mum and Dad. Courts will look at living arrangements etc but generally will only take serious safety issues into account. It's not a "who is the best parent" contest, it will be an assessment to see if both of you are "good enough" to safely care for your kids and if they think you both are then they'll be moving towards an equal split of time. Since you think he's "good enough" to have 2 yo for one night they might well argue that you don't have serious safety concerns.

As others have said, there is a good chance he's just bluffing and can't actually do 50/50 anyway.