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Original poster

AIBU to expect my ASD husband not to be angry at our children most of the time?

34 replies

Booklovingmummy · 15/07/2025 21:50

Bit of a long post but please bear with me. My husband has ASD and we have 4 children. 3/4 are also neurodiverse with varying degrees of Autism/ADHD and development delays. The 4th is only a baby so may well be neurodiverse too but obviously too young to tell.

Anyway because the children are neurodiverse their behaviour can often be challenging and not quite like other children. I love them to bits but it's constant chaos. They are amazing and awesome and wonderful but they are not "easy" children.

Anyway my husband is angry at them about 95% of the time. He shouts constantly shouting at them to shut up, calling our daughter a b*tch and our sons brats. He says they're selfish animals whose behaviour is disgusting and that he's sick of them all. He keeps saying they ruin every trip out and every holiday. And this morning my oldest son and my daughter said their dad hit my slapped my daughter on the face and shoved her. I didn't see the incident because I was with the baby but he said it wasn't true. It's the second time they've said their dad has hit one of them and he claims he didn't.
He pulls them around roughly if they don't listen and gets angry when any of them except the baby wants cuddles with me. My oldest is convinced his dad hates him.

I find myself saying "Don't do x because it'll make daddy angry" a lot and I have lots of anxiety about him coming home from work because I know 9/10 he'll be in a dreadful mood and start storming about and crashing things around and shouting. I am genuinely scared when he's in a bad mood.

I've tried to bring it up a few times but he dismisses my comments or gets angry and storms off but nothing changes. He constantly makes passive aggressive remarks about my parenting and housework skills but is nowhere near as angry or aggressive with me.

It's not all bad, he does help out around the house and with the cooking. When he's in a good mood he is great with them.

People assume he's this great husband and father because he's so quiet and helpful when other people are around but when we're alone he's a different person. He also works with children and is obviously good with them as he's much liked by the children he works with.

I get that he has ASD and is easily overwhelmed but even so this behaviour isn't right is it?

OP posts:
Tiswa · 15/07/2025 21:52

It’s awful OP really awful and abusive

magicpant · 15/07/2025 21:53

YABU to allow this. He is abusing his own children. You need to protect them.

BlueyNeedsToFuckOff · 15/07/2025 21:54

He needs to leave. This is not a good environment for your children.

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aredcar · 15/07/2025 21:55

Him having autism is completely irrelevant here. He’s physically and emotionally abusive. You need to get yourselves and your children safe and away from him. He is an abusive prick. You need to protect your children

ChaToilLeam · 15/07/2025 21:55

Please, protect your children from this vile bullying man. If he can be kind to other children, why so awful to your own? He is choosing to do this.

colachive · 15/07/2025 21:56

I’m sorry this is absolutely horrible, please get your children away from him he will ruin their self esteem. It sounds like he has been physically abusive too and that will only escalate as they get bigger. You don’t want to be walking on eggshells your entire life, you need to protect your children from this abusive behavior xx

tigerlily9 · 15/07/2025 21:57

Sorry but if your children are telling you that he’s hitting them, I would believe them. They are coming to you to look after them. If he has children then he needs to find a way to cope with them and meet their needs. You don’t get a free pass if you have ASD. Kids still need to be looked after and not physically or emotionally abused. I would ask him to move out and attend parenting courses/seek help and return when he can manage his emotions and parent.

Trallia · 15/07/2025 21:58

Read your post back. How can you think any of this is okay?

Your children are telling you he us abusing them, they are asking you to make them safe, and you aren't doing anything about it yet?

Seriously consider what steps you need to take.

Choconuttolata · 15/07/2025 21:59

This is abuse OP, he is abusive, my DH is autistic and manages to look after our 3 as their main carer, 2/3 with ASD without behaving like this. He chooses to behave differently with the children he works with but behaves like to towards his own children and you, the family he is meant to love and protect. You need to report him to the Police to protect your kids, if you don't then you will be seen as colluding in the abuse.

drspouse · 15/07/2025 21:59

I have one or possibly two ND children and thought you were going to say he sometimes reacts badly (e.g. my DH can sometimes shout STOP IT RIGHT NOW after asking nicely more than once, which doesn't work so we try not to!) but this is ridiculous and, yes, abusive.
He needs to sort himself out or leave.

legoplaybook · 15/07/2025 22:05

You are allowing him to abuse your children - it sounds like your daughter is getting the worst of the abuse.

nocoolnamesleft · 15/07/2025 22:08

He isn’t doing this because he’s autistic. He’s doing this because he’s an abusive arsehole.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 15/07/2025 22:09

FFS!
He is shockingly abusive
You are, I’m sorry to say, an absolute disgrace to stay with someone who physically assaults and emotionally torments your defenceless children

BabyCatFace · 15/07/2025 22:10

4 children with a completely unsuitable father - what a mess of a situation. Now you need to find your courage and fix it for your kids - time to leave him and keep them safe.

Burntt · 15/07/2025 22:13

I’m autistic and have autistic kids who are hard to handle. I would never treat them this way! He’s abusive and autism is no excuse.

believe your children or they will grow up to rightly resent you. You didn’t know he was going to be like this and didn’t realise this was abuse so it’s not your fault up to this point. But now you know and you have to act. Don’t just split up you need to get the abuse on record because without proof you won’t be able to protect them when he has unsupervised contact.

MoltenLasagne · 15/07/2025 22:14

I thought it was bad enough that he calls your daughter a bitch. I would 100% believe that he has hit your children and I think you need to be getting plans in place to leave asap. It has already crossed the line to physical violence, you need to prioritise your children's safety.

soupyspoon · 15/07/2025 22:18

He's not cut out to be a dad. His condition will make it harder for him to accept and make changes which is dangerous

Gardendiary · 15/07/2025 22:19

I mean obviously you’re chucking him out right? You know autism is no excuse for that behavior. I say that as someone with a nd husband and nd kids. My dh has never been abusive to our kids, yours is just a common or garden arsehole, who happens to be neurodivergent.

StrawberryFlowers · 15/07/2025 22:19

You need to protect your kids from abuse.

electric69 · 15/07/2025 22:21

He's basically doing a Gregg Wallace, using his diagnosis as an excuse.

Snugglemonkey · 15/07/2025 22:22

He is abusing your childrenand you are allowing it to happen. If anyone ever was accused by my child of hitting them, I would not hesitate in phoning the police.

Baby26 · 15/07/2025 22:25

As someone with an ASD husband, I get the overwhelm bit, but no excuse for behaving that way. He should be able to control it. I sometimes see it getting too much for DH but he doesn't verbally abuse or physically assault our son.

soupyspoon · 15/07/2025 22:25

electric69 · 15/07/2025 22:21

He's basically doing a Gregg Wallace, using his diagnosis as an excuse.

Where has OP said that he has made reference to his diagnosis?

Seems to be she quite rightly sees that he has a disorder which makes his interpersonal and social communication processes disadvantaged, hence his inability to manage conflict and stress.

But whatever the cause, children cant live in an environment like that, so he needs to move out. He wont fix himself because he hasnt got the capacity to do that

NC28 · 15/07/2025 22:29

Clearly he shouldn’t have had 4 children. He won’t have been daddy of the year with the first three, so having 4 was clearly a ridiculous decision.

ASD is irrelevant. And you’re culpable for tolerating this. Your kids will grow up and know that, and blame you too.

electric69 · 15/07/2025 22:38

soupyspoon · 15/07/2025 22:25

Where has OP said that he has made reference to his diagnosis?

Seems to be she quite rightly sees that he has a disorder which makes his interpersonal and social communication processes disadvantaged, hence his inability to manage conflict and stress.

But whatever the cause, children cant live in an environment like that, so he needs to move out. He wont fix himself because he hasnt got the capacity to do that

Show quote history

Ok, to be fair he hasn't but O P is enabling and coddling him. Abuse is abuse. I won't say the diagnosis is not relevant at all, because it may explain things that trigger his temper but his twattish abusive behaviour is not on. Those kids deserve better. I say this as a child of an abusive parent who had some possible ASD traits (not diagnosed). The horrific trauma I and my ADD sister went through has left some pretty horrendous damage. I understand he was ill, but I don't want OP's kids to end up like me.