AIBU to expect my ASD husband not to be angry at our children most of the time?

[Booklovingmummy]

Bit of a long post but please bear with me. My husband has ASD and we have 4 children. 3/4 are also neurodiverse with varying degrees of Autism/ADHD and development delays. The 4th is only a baby so may well be neurodiverse too but obviously too young to tell.

Anyway because the children are neurodiverse their behaviour can often be challenging and not quite like other children. I love them to bits but it's constant chaos. They are amazing and awesome and wonderful but they are not "easy" children.

Anyway my husband is angry at them about 95% of the time. He shouts constantly shouting at them to shut up, calling our daughter a b*tch and our sons brats. He says they're selfish animals whose behaviour is disgusting and that he's sick of them all. He keeps saying they ruin every trip out and every holiday. And this morning my oldest son and my daughter said their dad hit my slapped my daughter on the face and shoved her. I didn't see the incident because I was with the baby but he said it wasn't true. It's the second time they've said their dad has hit one of them and he claims he didn't.
He pulls them around roughly if they don't listen and gets angry when any of them except the baby wants cuddles with me. My oldest is convinced his dad hates him.

I find myself saying "Don't do x because it'll make daddy angry" a lot and I have lots of anxiety about him coming home from work because I know 9/10 he'll be in a dreadful mood and start storming about and crashing things around and shouting. I am genuinely scared when he's in a bad mood.

I've tried to bring it up a few times but he dismisses my comments or gets angry and storms off but nothing changes. He constantly makes passive aggressive remarks about my parenting and housework skills but is nowhere near as angry or aggressive with me.

It's not all bad, he does help out around the house and with the cooking. When he's in a good mood he is great with them.

People assume he's this great husband and father because he's so quiet and helpful when other people are around but when we're alone he's a different person. He also works with children and is obviously good with them as he's much liked by the children he works with.

I get that he has ASD and is easily overwhelmed but even so this behaviour isn't right is it?

He needs to go. This is horrible for all of you.

I would have thought he would have found having any children hard let alone going on to father four.

Please get help. Call womensa8d tomorrow, they will help you j get away.

Nailed it.

It is absolutely irrelevant whether he has autism or not. He is abusive and if you stay with him you are complicit in his abuse.

you have to report it to social services and chuck him out. I say report it because if you don’t, when he makes the court application to have the kids, you need evidence from a professional to back up what you say.

You poor children, they tell you what there dad is like because they believe you will protect them from their fathers abuse. You need to stop excusing his abuse of the children and get rid of him. You are all walking on eggshells, this is not a safe, stable home for children and you have to put the children first.

People assume he's this great husband and father because he's so quiet and helpful when other people are around but when we're alone he's a different person. He also works with children and is obviously good with them as he's much liked by the children he works with.

So he has the ability to control himself when others are around - but chooses not to when it's his family

This is clear abuse

None of this has anything to do with neurodiversity. Your poor children are growing up in a household with domestic abuse. Get this disgusting excuse for a father out of their lives now before he traumatises them any further.