How to meet friends at specific times with a baby?

[Ell0718]

My LO is 7 months old and we have never had a consistent nap ‘schedule’. He has the same bedtime routine and sleep time everyday, but wakes up at a different time everyday (some time between 5.30 and 7am), which means every day his nap times are different, and also nap lengths (his morning nap can be between 2-3 hours after he wakes up, and can be anywhere from 30-90 mins)! I find this impossible to work around when I’m trying to meet people, or going to a class because I have no idea when he’ll be needing to nap until after he’s had his first nap of the day

For clarity, we only put him down when he gives sleepy cues, he sleeps great in his cot and the car but won’t pram nap, at all. I think if pram naps were an option I wouldn’t find it so stressful!

I do have a lot of anxiety about it because I would love to be able to do more with friends and their babies, but if he is overtired he will have a real meltdown and I just need to leave immediately. We have a lot of days just the two of us which are lovely, but it would be nice to have more company.

I know we’re on baby’s time and schedule and I should lean into it, he does his own thing! But I (maybe naively?) really hoped we’d be more consistent by now.

any tips on this appreciated, or any tips on how to help him nap in the pram?

Just arrange what you want and baby sleeps around it if their schedule is slightly off that day it won’t matter. Can baby nap in the car, pram or carrier?

Babies will sleep when they want to, like you’ve said. Just go about your day as normal. They’ll sleep in the pram if they are tired.

It’s entirely your choice to be as lead by baby or not.
I couldn’t have done it personally as it’d have caused me more stress and anxiety (which is hard enough with a new baby)
We followed The Contented Baby routine. Suited me, happy babies and they very quickly just grow into the routine, you don’t have to force it once you’re into it.

Some people love doing things on demand of baby but for me personally it would have felt too restrictive and I think I’d have ended up with PND and feeling isolated.

Where else will baby nap?

It'll admittedly have been easier because I did it from the start, but my babies both slept anywhere. The second isn't a pram fan but will sleep in the carrier.

It'd never have occurred to me to not meet friends, do groups etc because of naps... surely that's really isolating?!

I think your options are to either find somewhere or somehow that he will sleep and carry on, or to try and create some kind of routine now - not a massively strict one and you still need to respond to cues, but try consistent wake up times etc and see if that makes naps more predictable, if you're going to stick to being at home for them all.

My eldest stopped napping at 20 months but friends still nap at 3.5... you could have a long time of this to go!

When DT’s were tiny I had no routine (I went back to full time work when they were six months and they slotted into the nursery routine).
I wasn’t a fan of staying at home (and hated baby groups) so did lots of coffee shop visits with whichever friends were available. DT’s would nap in the buggy - I walked everywhere as I couldn’t manage the Tube on my own with them) and walking seemed to send them to sleep.

If baby sleeps in the car can’t you lift the car seat off and onto the pram? Maybe you’ll need adaptors. My DD2 isn’t a huge pram napper but she will sleep really well like this.

I couldn’t imagine being so rigid that I couldn’t make any plans because of a baby.
You can prioritise your baby without being held hostage. Sometimes I would wake the baby if we needed to get ready to go out, or do a short pram nap and then be home for a longer nap in the late afternoon.
A baby will never learn to nap in the pram if they aren’t used to it. They might stay up longer because being out and about is more stimulating and interesting to them, the world won’t fall apart if he’s late for a nap.
We’ve all had a fussy baby at times but you also just need to crack on with life.

I got on with my day and he napped in the pram. Sorry OP, have you tried walking and walking until he just gives in and sleeps in the pram? Or are you giving up when he cries? Sometimes babies just need to have a bit of a cry before they drop off. I had a little white noise machine that could be popped into the pram, then it was hood down and go to sleep. Either out walking, or if I was catching up with a friend in a cafe or wherever then I’d shoogle the pram for a bit until he drifted off. It’s hard enough with a young baby, I’d have gone mental if I was beholden to their sleep and couldn’t socialise.

Have you tried a Snoozeshade or similar if the issue is overstimulation?

I'd be REALLY cautious of using them in hot weather without a better form of ventilation, but they should be fine in standard UK weather.

Pram on the bus works well for us. He'll also nap in my arms or in the sling. If he will sleep in a car seat, would he sleep in a reclined buggy rather than the pram? Honestly though, I just take him along and get on with things. He rarely got hysterical because of he is tired he will fall asleep in my arms or pram or chair in a cafe. What sort of days out are you trying to do? Are you being very rigid about feeding times too? A quick feed normally sorts things

The biggest freedom I offered myself was acknowledging that one bad nap whilst wasn't ideal also wouldn't be detrimental.
My daughter pretty much only slept whilst walking in the pram at 7 months there were days when I didn't have it in me to leave the house - usually pnd or weather related. Some of those days we still got a decent nap other days it was a 7 minute nap! She was a bit crabby and grumpy but I ensured her next nap was under more ideal circumstances and her displeasure was short lived.
Sometimes I had to prioritise my wellbeing by not forcing myself out for a walking nap I couldn't manage. That's ok. For me the afternoon nap was more important to get right so I'd arrange stuff in the morning knowing that if there was a less than ideal nap then a good afternoon nap could make up for it. I'd book a few coffee dates in and trial different times of days and work out when there's a bit more flexibility in routine for you baby

Well the reason OP can’t get out is because she isn’t rigid?

OP this is exactly why I did a routine & so I could plan my life. It’s unpopular on here but I couldn’t cope with being trapped in the house. You just need to crack on and organise things & they can sleep in buggy if you don’t have a set time for anything.

I'd try and get a bit more routine now.

I'd wake mine up at 7am each day no matter what, put them down for a nap and wake up after 2 hours no matter what. Afternoon nap was for 1 hour, always awake by 3pm which meant ready for bed at 7pm.

Naps will happen if baby is tired enough ,wherever you are.

If you want to meet a friend, go and meet that friend.

If you want to go to a baby class, sign up and start going. It will become your routine and baby will adjust.

I made plans and both mine would fit around that. Nap in the car/pram, get them up to out in the car. No way could I arrange plans around when my baby woke up sorry op a it's can sleep around your schedule ans for one day if their nap is cut short is it that bad 🤔

My baby also does not fall asleep in the pram. I feel for you. I'm stuck at home (I can only do short walks after he wakes up from a nap) - if my baby gets overtired he starts screaming hysterically (red face, tears etc.) and so loudly that white noise at maximum level does not touch the sides of it (intermittent with moments of silent crying / not breathing and coughing on his own saliva / milk coming up). He then also becomes extremely difficult to console - I'd be bouncing / rocking / offering the boob - nothing works and he continues to scream hysterically for like 15 - 30 minutes. He is then exhausted and might nap for 15-20 minutes before starting crying again. Not particularly fair on him or other people if at a coffee shop etc.

I had this around 5.5 months, it was very stressful as the baby didn't nap unless I really got conditions exactly right (and my baby would just keep going and going and going if there was any excitement, until they were hysterical and yet STILL awake). My parents and in laws told me it didn't matter if the baby didn't nap, so I got my mum to come and stay for a week and THEN she understood. I think a lot of other people have babies who are just more flexible and mine wasn't one of them.

I essentially found friends who were equally flexible and only did baby activities which didn't require pre booking. There was a miserable six week period when I did very little and once burst in to tears at the local playgroup because naps were so shit and stressful and I desperately wanted to be able to see other adults in the daytime. I think what I should have done was plan longer adventures with the baby to force car naps, frankly, it's what I do now at 14 months.

And then - suddenly, magically - without doing anything in particular, my baby grew into being able to do two decent naps, I fixed the time each day to a schedule, and I could go and do planned things again. This was around 7 months. Now if the baby wakes early, I try to just keep them awake until closer to normal nap time.

@EleMar It's very stressful when they decide they won't feed to sleep and also won't feed if angry, especially when everyone suggests "oh just BF them and they'll contact nap" - lol, not this baby! You have to have a completely different set of solutions.

I'll never forget the complete meltdown my sister had on a day out with her husband, me and my family.

Baby wasnt falling asleep in pram. She threw a complete meltdown and shouted at her husband to "take her home right now" to put the baby in bed or there would be consequences. She didn't drive. He wouldn't do it. Baby eventually falls asleep in the pram.

My first would nap everywhere, and we encouraged this by never using her cot for naps even if she was at home. She'd often nap in the garden in her pram so it made no difference to her whether she was out and about or not.

We tried the same with my second and it didn't work. She needed a lot more peace to nap. For the first year that was tricky because obviously I had a toddler to entertain. What I settled on is making sure she had at least one 'protected' nap a day, which meant her being at home in the dark, and if weren't so good because we were out and about, so be it. Then covid hit and we were at home anyway 😂

As it turns out, she has a chronic fatigue condition, so still naps now at 5. Because it's a medical need we prioritise it, and for her that means 99% of the time we're stuck at home doing nap.

It's part of life for us now and for the most part, I'm quite happy with that level of downtime in the middle of the day now.

i would make a point of going out,
encourage the napping anywhere
the more you can do this the easier it will be

The poor thing, she must have been so stressed and at the end of her tether. I think you shared this tale thinking we’d all judge her but I feel incredibly sorry for her. It sounds like things were really hard for her at the point.

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Love the way everyone’s solution for a baby who won’t nap in the pram… ‘put them down in the pram, they’ll just magically accept it!’

The more you go out and expose your DS different environments to nap in the easier it will get.

With my first I was always wary as he was a bad sleeper anyway but eventually I got to a point where I would just go out and he would deal with it. My youngest learnt from an early age to nap anywhere we were. Yes there were days it didn't work out and they would lose the plot but 90% of the time it was fine.

This is not true of all babies. Mine would not sleep in the pram and only ever had a short nap in the car. Both of those had horrific consequences.

@Ell0718 you need to decide what’s more important for you, seeing people or having decent naps. We decided we preferred good naps. We explained to people we might be flaky with arrangements and for the period where napping was needed, we just moved stuff about where we could. Mostly we managed but occasionally we just had to put up with it. People can primly state babies shouldn’t take over your life, but if you expect to carry on as normal, you can expect to deal with the consequences.

All babies are different so I really don’t want to be dismissive, but I will say I remember being shocked/confused when people would say things like “oh I’m sorry I’m late/cant come, baby has fallen asleep” - if I need to go somewhere, I would have just woken my babies. I don’t really understand the need to be precious about it, they will catch up on sleep themselves as and when they need it - they know their own bodies!

there is a LOT of advice online that babies need specific and rigid amounts of daytime sleep and “wake windows” mainly from ”sleep consultants” trying to sell you their baby sleep e-course… try not to get sucked in. Your baby doesn’t know what a wake window is, they have their own internal rhythms that will change day on day according to their needs. They know what they’re doing!

I agree with others that you should just get out the house as much as possible and try to expose them to sleeping in other places. I really think that taking this approach from day 1 is what made it easier for my babies.

If your baby will sleep in the car, could you try transferring him to the pram and then get moving as quick as possible, hopefully he will get back to sleep even if the transfer disturbed him. Perhaps a device like a Rockit might help it feel more like a car (I’ve never used one so don’t take my word for it but I’m just assuming extra vibrations will make it more car-like). Then he might wake up and realise where he is, and just get used to the idea of the pram being a safe place to sleep? You could do it on days where you have no plans and that way there’s no time-pressure. Plus if he’s already had a sleep in the car, there’s no big deal if the nap is just cut a little short.

In any case, I know it feels like forever right now but it really is a temporary issue. It won’t be forever and you will feel less restricted one day soon! ❤️