How often do ILs see your children and do you invite them?

[TwinkleTwinklelalala]

Ronseal title: curious how often in-laws see their grandchildren? Do you expect them to make the first move and ask if they can come round, or do you invite them?

Also curious whether - mums - you find your ILs messaging you asking how LO is doing instead of your DH. That’s been quite a surprise to me. I’m a new FTM and although I have a pleasant relationship with my in-laws, we’ve never been particularly close so it doesn’t come as naturally when it comes to initiating visits etc (ie we’ve never seen them regularly before - same for DH, not just me). They’re not asking to see her; they’re just saying “is she ok?”.

I’m very close with my parents and have always seen them regularly, so that does come more naturally by way of them seeing their GC.

I’m autistic and navigating social situations like this doesn’t always come easy, so I’m just curious what the norm is/general expectations as don’t want to upset anyone or leave anyone feeling aggrieved. A concensus would help me process. ☺️

Unfortunately both sides of the family could not be less interested in our kids or us.

MIL was sweet but we paid her to do very minimal childcare while I worked.
When that was no longer needed, we saw her occasionally when dh either went round or invited them. She died.
Now there is zero from fil, no texts, no visits, no interest. Dh invited him to the kids activities but he just says no. Doesn’t bother now.

My lot, it’s like my kids are nothing to do with them. Zero interest. They are interested in the other gc though.

It’s very upsetting when I allow myself to think about it.

My MIL lives with us.

However, my ex was useless and his mum ended up messaging me and asking if she could organise contact with her grandchildren via me.

I did have a bit of "he should deal with his family" but I bit that down and I'm glad I did. My girls have a wonderful relationship with their Granny, she's a massive positive in their life and their relationship is so lovely.

Just try and keep in mind that your in laws are the same in relationship to your baby as your parents.

That doesn't mean all the work should be on you, but you wouldn't bat an eyelid at your mum saying "how's baby today?" I bet and your mil is likely just as excited.

Oh no, I’m really sorry to hear this. I’m not surprised your DH stopped bothering. I’ve never had much of a close relationship with MIL but ever since we had our daughter she’s been messaging multiple times a week asking “how” she is. I never know if I should invite her round at that point and if that’s what she expects from her text… but then part of me thinks she should just ask if she’d like to visit? I’m quite black and white, so I would just ask if I were her, but I know not everyone does so it makes me doubt myself! Equally, part of me wonders why she doesn’t message her own son instead of me. Though she’s not close to him either really.

Never. As they prefer SIL DC and I won't subject my DC to this blatant favouritism. Was once close to them - no longer. They have treated me like dirt. My DC wouldn't know who my inlaws were if they passed them in the street. I'm also NC. My DH speaks to them occasionally and they always try their games again but hes not blind to it anymore.

I do wish it was different though so if you can and able to, encourage that relationship between your DC and their DGP.

My dc are all older now but mil volunteered herself a day a week when the older 2 were little so I could have a day to myself - I wasn’t working but she was so lovely, obviously wanted to spend time with the dc too but I felt very lucky to have such a thoughtful mil. My own mum was still working (and still works) but she would offer to have them overnight sometimes if dh and I wanted a night out. We didn’t accept as she smoked in the house but appreciated the offer!
Now my older 2 are adults and drive so they will sometimes pick mil and go out for a coffee and cake date, one of them takes her to a textiles festival as they both have a shared interest in making clothes. They will
also go round and see my mum (who no longer smokes!) regularly too.
And they are both invited here pretty regularly or just call in on their way back from somewhere.
We live a 5 minute drive away from both mil and my mum so all very local. And not much has changed over the years in terms of how much we see them. We’ve just always been really close.

I don't think mine are the norm (in-laws, that is). My child sees my family often, every week at least. My in-laws can go a month or two, at least, without seeing our child. They don't expect an invite. They ask when they want to come, we are always happy for them to. They are only half hour drive away. I do suspect autism in one or both of them (as my husband is), so this may be partly why they are different to how I'd expect most grandparents to be. We don't go to them as they have dogs that don't like children. As you can imagine, not an ideal situation with a toddler!

I think she definitely is excited. I think it’s more the grey area for me of I don’t know if when she texts she then expects/wants me to invite her. She texts the same thing multiple times a week “how is she?”. I always feel a bit awkward just replying the same thing (that she’s good). I think I’m very conscious that others aren’t as black and white as me! If I wanted to visit, I would ask/initiate it. My parents don’t text often, but they will call and visit once a week or every two weeks.

Following on from my previous post, nope they'd never ask how he is. They happily buy him lots of things, which we appreciate. I find it confusing tbh! Like they aren't bothered about seeing him but they like to treat him..

Now you mention it, they do do this! We’re very grateful for it, of course. I don’t know… my DH has a very different relationship with his family to the one I have with mine and so I do find it much less natural. My family and I are very open and communicative and we show affection much more easily. His side are quite the opposite and so although DH and I have been together many years I still find it a little hard to navigate the complexities of their relationship. I worry they could be thinking “we never get to see her [GC]/no one invites us”, but as I say - they’re not a very open and honest type of family, so to ask where they stand/what their expectations are would be jarring to them.

If it helps, I’d never ask someone if I can come to visit, I’d worry they’d see that as rude. Maybe when she asks how the LO is, you could say “oh they’re great thanks. We should have you over sometime soon, if you’d like?” Then if MIL was politely waiting for an invite they’ll jump on it, if they don’t want to come they’ll find an excuse.

My in laws are only interested in the child of their middle son. It’s horrible really - our eldest was their first grandchild, their youngest son had their first granddaughter (and they themselves only had sons) and yet still the only child they were interested in was the one who lived furthest away. I still remember they went on holiday to Australia for 6 months. They had been having our eldest on a Friday since I went back to work (my parents had offered to have a day and told me we should offer them the same opportunity, but we made it clear we had a nursery place sorted if they didn’t want to - they always said they did want to)… anyway, they bought an iPad before they went and gleefully told us it was so they could FaceTime the daughter of their middle son. Who was about 3 months old. They didn’t once try to contact us whilst away to talk to either of our sons (the eldest was 3 or 4 at this point) and this was despite us having commented that we had an iPad as well so the FaceTime plan sounded lovely. From what we could gather, they called middle son pretty much every day.

anyway, to answer your question - we don’t see them. They haven’t visited us in years. We live 20 mins away. I stopped making the effort when I realised we were always an after thought and that they didn’t give a shit. That was when they stopped seeing the kids. I would be surprised if they could spot any of them in the street were they to walk past.

If your MIL seems interested, definitely encourage that. Yes, her son should be sorting stuff, but at least she wants to talk to you!

Yeah OP I get you, I had some talking through the baby, "I bet he's thinking I haven't seen Grandma in so long!" (After 9 days). Love my MIL but there were quite a few things grating after I gave birth. She's got a lot better about them, and I've mellowed as well, I get it was just coming from love and excitement and concern.

I'd just treat your black and white thinking (I'm similar) as a gift, take it at face value. See them as often as you can - plenty of time for them to develop a close bond with GC and it is important for DC to spend time with grandparents, but don't stress yourself doing it. I see my ILs once a week and send photos when I can. We live 10min away and MIL always gives us some food when we see them, bless her.

I think she definitely is excited. I think it’s more the grey area for me of I don’t know if when she texts she then expects/wants me to invite her. She texts the same thing multiple times a week “how is she?”. I always feel a bit awkward just replying the same thing (that she’s good). I think I’m very conscious that others aren’t as black and white as me! If I wanted to visit, I would ask/initiate it. My parents don’t text often, but they will call and visit once a week or every two weeks.

I think it's maybe worth saying "you know if you want to visit her just let me know" once.

They might be in the "don't invite yourself" school of thought so you might both be worrying what to say.

It sounds like they're very interested, and good grandparents can be great.

Don't run yourself ragged chasing them, but might be worth one just in case they're sitting hoping for an invitation.

It sounds exactly like our families😆 we are very close with mine and we all met up often (my siblings, my mum and all our kids). No hidden grumbles about anyone as we are always open and honest with each other.
His we never see. And there has been disagreements (I don't get involved as I don't feel it's my place to). I do wonder if it's the difference between the family of the daughter versus the family of the son. Not all, but the typical way that it goes. I have a son so I'm making sure it isn't like that!

Thanks, this is really helpful!

It’s very sad when there is a preference!

When DC was only just under two weeks’ old we did actually invite them to visit for Father’s Day (which was also DH’s first Father’s Day), but they said they had SIL’s children, and were having them longer than usual, so couldn’t come… I thought this was a little odd as they only live a 5 min walk away...

Interesting! Yes, I always think it’s a shame that they’re not closer, but I have tried to encourage a closer relationship over the years. It just doesn’t seem to come naturally to them as a family unit!

Thanks, this is a good idea. ☺️

I’m the In Law and my grandkids come every Saturday, occasionally Sunday if that works better for all. They arrive before lunch, play and have dinner & bath here and go home to bed. If my daughter is working my SIL comes with the kids. They treat this house as an extension of their own home and I love seeing them. My own parents were the same with my kids so I guess it’s just a natural progression. Unfortunately I think I jog the kids a bit much as they do not see their other 3 grandparents much

That’s when ILs have SIL’s children, and have for many years, so I don’t know if they would have the time to see our new baby then. When we invited them round for Father’s Day (just under 2-weeks old) they said they didn’t have the time as they had “the kids”. Only thing is, both DH and I work FT (though I am on mat leave at the moment), so it will probably be tricky into the future if they don’t divide their time a tad more. Could have just been a one-off, of course. LO is still very new. ☺️

I agree with a PP that your MIL might be waiting for an invitation from you - I would say something along the lines of "we're free Tues morning and Thursday afternoon if you wanted to pop round" as long as you were happy to entertain them for an hour and again that gives them an out if they don't want to visit.

She may also just be after a photo! You could reply with "baby is good, we've just been for a walk/for coffee/to baby class/whatever you've been doing" and send a photo.

My in laws live in a different country so visits are all planned in advance but when I'm on mat leave I'll send my MIL the pictures I send DH and my family as I know DH gets distracted at work and might not send them over. And I know she loves the DC just as much as my parents do.

I don't think you'll get a consensus on here, unfortunately but do and offer what works for you and remember you can always adapt it going forwards and hand the relationship back to DH if it isn't working for you.

Thank you. ☺️ We’re not keen on sending pictures as we were doing this at first, but the last time we did (a post-bath photo) MIL shared it on her social media story.

We don’t want any pictures of her going on social media, and haven’t posted any on our own. Granted, it’s not something we had mentioned to MIL (we will in person). Though, I can’t say I would take a photo someone else had taken of their child and share it on my own social media… but that’s just me!

PIL dote on DS we have a family WhatsApp group and they like lots of photos of him, we see them at least a couple of times a month and facetime in between, they live about 90 minutes away if they were in the same town I think we'd see them more. We also holiday together once a year. Similar with my parents and last year we all went on holiday together, me DH DS, PIL and my parents, they get along well.
My parents and PIL had DS one day a week each after I went back to work despite lengthy journeys to get to us, and then in the year before school we wanted to increase his nursery time so they would alternate. They already help out in the holidays and are happy to have him overnight, for a few days, take him away etc with or without us. It's nice!

Aw, that’s lovely. ☺️ Our DD will be going to nursery FT when I go back to work FT in April, so hopefully ILs can start making some time for her on weekends.

Oh wow! I understand why they've lost photo privileges - I came down pretty hard on not having photos shared on social media before DC1 was born and luckily everyone has respected our wishes. That's quite a lot of trust for them to win back.

Good luck with however you move forwards

Thank you! Yeah, I think we probably need to give her the benefit of the doubt due to us not having mentioned it in advance. It probably would have been smart to mention prior as you did. I think we just thought it was common sense, but evidently not in this day and age when everything centres around SM!

We’ll drop it into conversation (non-accusingly) when we next see them in person and then hopefully we can go back to sharing photos and she’ll respect our wishes. ☺️

My DP arranges to take DD (3) around to their house about once a week- they don’t tend to come here due to stairs they find tricky and also DD loves their garden. His mum will generally message him to ask how she is unless DD has been unwell and MIL knows DP is at work.
I message her sometimes to ask if she can do childcare for DD when I’m working if I’m sorting out the childcare and DP isn’t around at that moment.