How often do ILs see your children and do you invite them?

[TwinkleTwinklelalala]

Ronseal title: curious how often in-laws see their grandchildren? Do you expect them to make the first move and ask if they can come round, or do you invite them?

Also curious whether - mums - you find your ILs messaging you asking how LO is doing instead of your DH. That’s been quite a surprise to me. I’m a new FTM and although I have a pleasant relationship with my in-laws, we’ve never been particularly close so it doesn’t come as naturally when it comes to initiating visits etc (ie we’ve never seen them regularly before - same for DH, not just me). They’re not asking to see her; they’re just saying “is she ok?”.

I’m very close with my parents and have always seen them regularly, so that does come more naturally by way of them seeing their GC.

I’m autistic and navigating social situations like this doesn’t always come easy, so I’m just curious what the norm is/general expectations as don’t want to upset anyone or leave anyone feeling aggrieved. A concensus would help me process. ☺️

Thanks! This approach makes a lot of sense to me.

We might see MIL every 6-8 weeks. She lives about an hour away.

She’s perfectly nice, but we aren’t super close. I actually didn’t even have her number until our 2nd dc was maybe about a year old (probably almost 10 years after Dh and I met).

Dh generally does all the organising of his family. She only really contacts me if he’s not responding. 😂 Or if she has something specifically to send to me and not so much about the dc (an event she saw that I might want to go to, etc). I have always been very hands off though. I don’t take on the wife work of dh’s family, don’t buy their presents or send cards, etc. He does all of that himself.

My in-laws are 5h away but try to visit for 3-7 days every 6-8 weeks.
They message through my partner except if he is working away in which case they check in with me to see if all is ok.
My daughter is nearly 5 and they now try to visit each school holiday and take my daughter out for day trips. If my partner can't get the day off work I'll happily go along with them without my partner.
I'd probably say I have a better relationship with them than I do my own parents!

My kids saw my in-laws regularly, had sleepovers and were cherished members of the family on that side. My own parents however preferred my youngest sibling's child and pretty much ignored mine unless I did all the running.

My mil hasn’t ever been remotely interested and lives 10 minutes drive.
she’s lazy and uninterested and children are now adults and if she bumps into either of them she calls them the wrong names as she doesn’t know who’s who
it’s disgusting on her part but I can’t get upset as she just doesn’t give a thought to anyone but herself
her loss

We’ve got super hands on grandparents on both sides. I speak to my mum most days and she always asks how the LO is, she also does 1 days childcare in the week. My in laws do 2 days childcare for us each week - they’ve take my LO and her cousins away for long weekends because they genuinely love being around the kids. My MIL probably wouldn’t invite herself to my house but I would go to hers or meet up for a coffee when I was on mat leave, is this something you could do maybe?