Can't cope with 9 year old anymore

[Tryandtryagain02]

I cannot cope with my 9 year old anymore. She is the most defiant, aggressive, and argumentative child I've ever met. Her meltdowns began when she was about 2-3 and initially I thought it was the terrible 2s but they continued. I mentioned it to school who found no issues and still don't. She comes home and every evening is filled with demands, screaming, name calling, meltdowns to the point the neighbours must think I don't parent her at all or that she's being seriously abused.

I've punished her, tried reward charts, even tried buying her at times when I'm that overwhelmed and she just jumps from one thing to the next. She could get a sweet from the shop and then she wants the pool filling. Her brain is literally jumping from one thing to the next. It could be absolutely anything. I've tried to identify triggers or identify issues at school but she doesn't like to communicate any anxiety she has, and when she does it's a few days later. Even so, she has friends (she speaks to them on the phone when playing roblox), but she doesn't always understand social cues or identify them. I've been to the doctor who said I have to go through to school who in turn say I have to go to the doctor and I currently have an appointment next week.

It's affecting my other two daughters and my relationship with my partner. We're all treading on eggshells around her and the only time it does stop it when we absolutely blow up which involves putting her in her room, shouting at her or when her elder sister is so fed up she hits her. I'm at my wits end. I don't know if this is ADHD, autism or something else but its certainly not normal behaviour. She just cannot self regulate and I have no idea how to help her anymore. Has anyone else experienced this please and what happened?

Thank you

Is your partner her dad?

What are the consequences of this behaviour?
I think the gaming needs to stop, she’s a bit too young in my opinion anyway, and screen time certainly over stimulates some people more than others. How much screen time is she getting? Cut back to an afternoon on Sunday if good behaviour in the week.
Buying her out is literally encouraging this behaviour. ‘No, we’re not doing this’ ‘you’re so unfair and I hate you’, ‘well thank you for letting me know but the answer is still no’ . ‘Urgh you’re the worst and I hate you’ ‘you need to go to your room right now’ ‘no’ ‘now you’ve lost X for a week, and you still have to go to your room’

It doesn't sound like normal behaviour, and you've identified a few neuro diverse characteristics there. Speak to the doctor and ask to have her assessed via Right to Choose. The GP will ask to meet her to get a preliminary view, but from my experience they are heavily influenced by the school's view of your child's behaviour. In my case the school was so convinced there was an issue the GP didn't feel the need to even meet him! How is she at school? Does she have any learning support in place already? Not that it's essential to get an assessment, but it can help.

Even before then, it might be worth learning more about ASD to see if it helps you understand and respond to her better. For instance, learning what overstimulated her might help you keep her calmer, giving her transition breaks might help make family life smoother etc. the national autistic society has some useful information that might help.

With my son his diagnosis (ASD and ADHD) hasn't really changed much, but it helps us be more patient with him.

Oh and you certain the people she’s talking to over Roblox are school friends she spends time with? My eldest is in year 5, and none of her friends would be allowed to chat over Roblox, so I’m finding myself wondering who she’s really talking to as I’m struggling to envision many year 4 or 5 children chatting whilst remotely playing a video game together !!

Perfect at school and explosive at home screams ND.

Have you looked into PDA profile of Autism? PDA Society website might be helpful to you.

Unfortunately yes, being put into the Pathway for assessment can be very, very influenced by the School avd if you have a Dd who masks at school and attains grades but meltdown when they get home it will be very, very difficult to get a referral. In my opinion, and it is just that, the referral process still very much favours boys who often mask less at school.

I would start by doing this very simple progress checker. If it says they she needs some support they will send you some links to resources and you can book an appointment with one if their SaLTs, although it is a Charity so you might want to make a donation.

You can show the GP the results, if it says she needs support, and ask for a hearing test avd a referral to SaLT. They will want her to have had a hearing test to rule out conditions like Glue Ear.

I would also ask the School’s SENCO to assess her and speak to your School Nurse Service for advice.

We’ve found that reward charts and punishments dont work either. Have you ever been recommended the books The Whole Brained Child or The Ecplosove Child? If it does turn out that she is ND then the traditional methods of child discipline you’ve been trying are unlikely ever to work.

If you think she has ADHD I would also try interacting with her as though she has. How To ADHD is a good resource avd she’s quite engaging.

Doing things like giving her a regulating activity like TV in a room away from her siblings with a drink and a snack after school.

Upping her protein but not from UPF sources.

Introducing Meditation. There will be plenty of guided meditations aimed at DC on YouTube.

Also upping her exercise. So something like an athletics or cycling club, cricket or martial arts or even just starting the C25K with her. There might even be a Tween Yoga class near to you?

Do have a think too about applying for an ECHP. They are based in need rather than diagnosis avd the MNers who hang around in the SN Children Section should be able to help you with this.

If I could go back in time i would have pushed much more at this age so that my DD would have had an ECHP and diagnosis to help her through High School.

I think the clue here is that she is totally different to your other two children. You have to parent the child you have.

She does sound an awful lot like my AuDHD daughter.

Try some of these strategies and see if they help a bit:

Childhood - PDA Society https://share.google/EvNztFWOgC6WnO1X1

Try reading these books:

10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, second edition: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior: Amazon.co.uk: Bernstein PhD, Jeffrey: 9780738218236: Books https://share.google/FEmhKsjE2iVMh41NE

The Explosive Child [Sixth Edition]: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children: Amazon.co.uk: Greene PhD, Ross W: 9780063092464: Books https://share.google/dLGDH1r9CWA5iVsMu

Speaking as "one of the Mumsnetters who hangs around the Special Needs section" 😂, note that an EHCP support thread exists in case you need it. Age 9 is good for requesting an EHCNA. Any later and it might not come through before secondary, and kids like these often really struggle with that transition.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5309128-ehcp-support-thread-no-5?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

I didn’t know about the ECHP thread