Is working full time the problem with my family life?

[arcticsable]

I work full time in a senior management position. I enjoy my job but I’m worried that it’s all too much. After a particularly stressful week I’ve got to the weekend with water thin patience and a real need to have some time to myself (which won’t happen as DH is away). The constant whines of “mummmmyyyy” from my three DS’s (3,3,6) are really, really, grating and I’ve been on the go the whole time. I had five minutes to myself to have a cup of tea after dinner yesterday and my eldest decided it would be funny to have a poo in the garden, which I then had to clean up…

I’ve been grumpy with them all weekend which is probably making them act up. I feel
like there’s too much to do, and a real lack of 1:1 time with them which is making nice, heartwarming interactions really hard to come by.

I really like my job, it’s as flexible as it could be and has good career progression so I don’t want to take a step back and then discover that actually it doesn’t make me feel better (or make be a better parent) after all.

Any thoughts? Any tips for actually recharging? Finding some other source of patience?!

Does your work have an option of a 9 day fortnight and if not can you suggest it? You fit your hours into 9 days to have a day off and it’s hugely helpful.
When was the last time you had a day just to yourself?
Working full time obviously makes it harder to fit everything in but o wonder how restful a day off with 3 year old twins would be anyway.
I think working in time to yourself is the key - I love exercise for this but have learnt that high intensity isn’t always the way to go and yoga type class can be better

Op has asked for advice. People are giving advice.

So my kids are older but I found when I was working full tome hours and busy at work I was so snappy with them! It was like my head was too full all the time.

Now I do 4 days school hours - in for 8.20 and home by 4 and I love it.

I recently had the chance for promotion which would have been a lot more hours and stress. I did go for it and when they told me I hadn't got it, all I felt was relief!! I honestly don't think I'll ever want to go back full time or have that level of stress again.

I love being home to get dinner prepped and chat with the kids. I do all my house work on my day off and sometimes go out with a friend for lunch. Weekends are spent with the dc and dh and I don't think about work. It's really great!

So a very long winded way of saying yes, work is the problem! It's hard to have it all sadly.

Is DH asking himself this too? Or just you?

If you are going to drop a day then DH needs to drop a day too. It shouldn't be only you considering taking a step back career wise if that's what you both believe needs to happen.

It is quite possibly also just a tough stage with DC's too and you'd be finding it even tougher if you were working PT.

I have these thoughts and feelings all the time! Mine are 7 and 4 (and there are only 2 of them so absolute props to you for dealing with twins!) and they feel like such hard work sometimes.

Any time I try to get anything done one of them will start a fight with the other or they will conspire in something destructive/messy. The only time they will decide they are happily reading or playing with their own toys is when I need them to get ready to leave the house or help me do some chores!!

I also work FT in a high pressure job. DH does more of the weekday stuff but works Saturdays and some Sundays, so I’ve very often got both kids the whole weekend after a full on week and it’s exhausting. I do get snappy with them which (a) makes their behaviour worse and (b) makes me feel awful as I feel like I should be having quality time with them. I have no answers but just to say you are not alone!

Mine are 8 and 4, both in primary school, we've done condensed hours since our youngest was born, luckily with nursery, and breakfast club/after school club 7:30-6 we didn't have to stress about our hours before they were both at school.

I think k most families have 2 options- throw money at it- ir cleaner/ childminder etc or one parent cuts back on work. I've tried both. When they were really little we both worked out if the house full time- cleaner and childminder for older one and nursery for younger. Covid broke that cycle but honestly I dobt think we could have carried it on! Now we both have different jobs, dh at home most if the time, but mine is part time around the children who are primary age. This will change as they get older. No regrets.... well only that we dont have a cleaner!

This is what I’d love. I just need that day to “get shit done” so it’s out of my head. Condensed hours would be tricky at the moment without making the remaining 9 days extra stressful - but might be able to make it work once everyone is in school - just over a year to wait. Might see if I can manage 9.5 in 10, I guess that would at least give me Friday afternoons to get the weekends lined up…

I’ve gone back to full time recently and yes it is full on. I felt exactly like you a few weeks back when my DH went away for the weekend. I felt like it again today when I came downstairs from my miniscule lie in to find that I had 1000 jobs to do again. Sigh.
however - I love my job. It’s bringing us 2.5k a month more than when I worked part time, so we can afford to do more with them. They won’t be kids forever and you might resent it or regret it if you jack your job in now.

Honestly, if you can go part time until they’re all in school then do it. 3 or 4 years won’t be the be all or end all of your career.

I know my sanity wouldn’t have survived full time work with young kids. Hats off to those that juggle it all but I just didn’t want to. Not all of us have flexible jobs where we can WFH, do pick ups/drop offs, use annual leave when we want, work condensed hours etc. My job is long inflexible days, set holidays and not really family friendly. DH is also in a senior position and sometimes works away. Honestly I think we’d have ended up miserable & divorced if one of us hadn’t worked PT!

One lie in each per weekend and a few hours to yourself each later in in the day.
Divide and conquer.

So when do the kids get to actually spend time with their mum in all this?!

Kids often whine most when they don't feel like they are getting the attention they need from their parents (I'm not saying that sancrimoniuously by the way....my kids whine too sometimes!)

The only way I managed was having a weekly cleaner, menu planning and doing a food shop after the kids were in bed one night during the week, and managing DH into doing things that needed done. Nearly killed us but we got there in the end when I went part time 3 days a week. I just realised life was too short and family was more important than career.

After school/nursery and weekends - like most children of working parents. All of DT’s friends had two full time working parents - the norm.

One activity and one movie at the weekend doesn't mean OP won't spend any time with them at all. It means she can have a break and then spend quality, engaged time with them where she doesn't feel like she's losing her mind.

But the poster I was quoting was talking about the mum dropping them off at an activity for the day, and putting films on whilst she goes in another room at the weekends.

Where did pp say that it would be an all day activity? It would probably be a few hours at the very most.

They also didn't say films on all weekend long either.

Both were just examples so OP could catch her breath which is fine.

@PersephoneParlormaid

youd never say this if Op were a man.
OP needs to keep her career

I disagree. My older self looks back and even though I was off home with the kids part time it still went in a flash. I would have been really sad to have worked all those years.
I can take being skinter than I would have been to have those days with them. I still do I alright but have a simpler life than I might have had. Still have a fulfilling job. I will worknin a career job from 22 to probably 62, so 40 years. Only 12 if them part time. Would do it again in a minute.

Time and money are finite …. you can’t get time back , but you can earn money at any point.

If you want to take a step back then do , both you and DH could take a step back from work and invest more time into your family … you will blink and your kids will be grown and gone , plenty of time for career then.

I was a SAHM for about 7 years , then I returned to work part time, (to a flexible wfh role) and now DH and I are both part time and it’s bloody brilliant, I would honestly recommend it to everyone!

My DH went p/t when I went fill for a couple of years. And even though I had more time off I have a better pension and pay than him!

Don’t assume what I would or wouldn’t say.

I think it’s obvious.

You're in the hardest stage where they need a lot of physical care. But you've got a little over a year until the twins start school and it'll start getting easier, it's not worth going PT now (and any PT work should be split between you and your DH). You and your DH need to outsource as much as possible. Cleaner, gardener, window cleaner, laundry service, one of those meal kits a few times a week, a nanny or au pair to do wrap around care for the 6yo and nursery pickups for the twins. Limit activities for the 6yo to those that are either at school or walking distance from your house.

Once the twins are at school review your working arrangements. Could one or both of you WFH some days a week to minimise commuting? Would it help to do a condensed week so you have a childfree day at home? Or each have a short day once or twice a week so you can do school pickups? Or do the school pickup then do some more work at home in the evening? It's important to keep reviewing to check it works for both of you.

And ignore the precious moment crowd, you have to do what works for your family and that doesn't automatically mean giving up any personal ambition. Like a PP I'm in my 50s but I do 'have it all' because DH and I worked as a team and acknowledged we both cared about our children and our careers. In our case we both worked 4 days a week when the kids were small and both increased our hours as the kids started school. We outsourced the drudgery as much as possible and both can WFH when required.

@JaninaDuszejkothank you - helpful. I do work from home most of the time and actually have a really, really supportive and flexible employer - there’s no way I’d have got this far without that! That contributes to my reluctance to change anything or give up because I know I’ve actually got the best deal possible with my work arrangements and without that I don’t think I’d have carried on until now.

I will talk to DH about part time sharing of hours. It would be more difficult in his current job but that might change. I agree it’s probably a case of hanging on for another year.