Is working full time the problem with my family life?

[arcticsable]

I work full time in a senior management position. I enjoy my job but I’m worried that it’s all too much. After a particularly stressful week I’ve got to the weekend with water thin patience and a real need to have some time to myself (which won’t happen as DH is away). The constant whines of “mummmmyyyy” from my three DS’s (3,3,6) are really, really, grating and I’ve been on the go the whole time. I had five minutes to myself to have a cup of tea after dinner yesterday and my eldest decided it would be funny to have a poo in the garden, which I then had to clean up…

I’ve been grumpy with them all weekend which is probably making them act up. I feel
like there’s too much to do, and a real lack of 1:1 time with them which is making nice, heartwarming interactions really hard to come by.

I really like my job, it’s as flexible as it could be and has good career progression so I don’t want to take a step back and then discover that actually it doesn’t make me feel better (or make be a better parent) after all.

Any thoughts? Any tips for actually recharging? Finding some other source of patience?!

I think you need to decide what your priority for you is.
For me, kids aren’t young for long, and I’m glad I chose them over career.

Your 6 year old thought it would be funny to have a poo in the garden? Wow. I’m not surprised you’re feeling the way you are. Need to get that sort of feral behaviour under control pronto!

DH being away really won't help! Is it better when you are both around in the weekend?

I would hang on to your career, your older self will thank you for it, but make sure you get all the help you can round the house and use your leave wisely - buy more if it is an option. Take some of it just for you if possible. Prioritise how you want to spend non work time.

Good luck, it will get better!

How often is DH away over the weekend, is this a rare thing or a regular thing? The answer to that would change my advice.

If you’re regularly solo parenting all weekend then why is that? Does DH work weekends or is it all leisure trips etc? A serious chat about that and rebalancing the load could help massively.

If you still feel the same when DH is there though then it may be worth thinking about why that is. Do you get any me time? I find that after a stressful week at work even an hour of peace to have a bath in silence on a Friday evening, do a face mask etc is a lovely reset for the weekend. I also like to run so doing that helps me mentally to reset- what do you do that is just for you?

My worry with stepping back at work is always sort of how that can be possible and the long term impact. For example I now work 4 days a week so I have an extra day with my daughter but I have to say that dropping that day hasn’t really made any difference to my workload- just my pay slip which is a really common issue when just dropping one day. You do the same work, with the same stress (or even more stress as its jammed into less time), just for less pay.

I feel your pain, I am in the same situation. I love my job, I love having a career but it's draining at times which means I don't have much mental energy left. I'll never change it though - it's hard going at time but I get to do all school runs, can work at home with the children during holidays etc, take time off for assemblies when needed (don't need to ask, just whack it in my diary), the flexibility I get tdoes balance life out a bit. I tend to go for a long walk on a Friday after work now to clear my mind before the weekend.

To be fair - “heartwarming moments” with 3 DC on a hot weekend after a tough work week might be insta telling you a big fib

When the DC are that age stuff is still moving fast - if your DH is away make plans - if away regularly find a weekend activity you can drop them at - if not do it anyway

Make “film night” a thing and set them in front of Disney while you sit in the other room

Can’t pour from an empty jug

And - ask yourself - who are you really angry at - work? your DH for not giving you time by yourself? What is the first step to figure those things out

What were the consequences for the 6yo shitting in the garden for a laugh? Why is DH away?

I fail to see why YOU were cleaning up the mess when your 6 YEAR OLD decided to take a shit in the garden like a dog.
He would have been given a shovel and told to get on with it here.

Honestly, the fact that you have a DH who's away (is this regular?) while you're feeling burned out is all the more reason to keep your career. You may need options.

Weekends like this, I just let everything lapse. No-one's going to die if I don't do the dishwasher or we have takeaway for dinner.

I'm a single mum, and my kids are a bit older now, but that's how I survive. That and early bedtimes, with children who (thank god) I trained (and they co-operated) to go to bed easily. (although that wasn't the case when my eldest was 3, to be fair, and it did nearly break me until he got with the program). The last hour of the day, in my room, after the kids are in their room is the space I take for myself to keep myself sane.

Edit. Sometimes all you need is that little bit of space, and you can get back to feeling human again - would they sit and watch a movie with popcorn while you mindlessly scroll on your phone? Mine still need to just hang out, draped over and around me a couple of times a week, and us doing that means that they feel very comfortable when I need to hide in my office and just get some work done.

@Mrsttcno1he’s not away that often, this was a relatively rare trip away for him. However he’s in the same boat as me with feeling overwhelmed, and so we’re stuck in a bit of a cycle where we’re both a bit reluctant to ask each other for help. I’m not bothered about him being away as such, this post is more just about the general “full-on” feeling life has.

I think I agree with you on the 4 day a week thing. I did 4 days when I went back to work after DS1 and it was stressful in its own way. I wouldn’t have pushed for such a senior job this time round but with double nursery fees the options were to either aim high or give up work entirely.

I run too! It hugely helps. However I think I need a bit of time where I’m not constantly on the move 🤣

@Minecroft@Thedoorisalwaysopenhe got no pocket money and I took his new magazine away. To be fair he was mortified when he realised how upset I was. I did tell him to clean it up but by this stage he was very upset and I took pity on him. Maybe I’m too soft…

You aren’t too soft.

I think children do stupid things like that sometimes; it isn’t anyone’s fault but it’s just how things sometimes are.

I think a massive part of this might also be that you have twins. That must be a LOT!

Said no man, ever. You need to work this out with your DH and come up with a plan, together.

Could you get an au pair as an extra pair of hands at weekends? You just need to outsource help for a few years. I always wondered how the super mums near me did it - now I have found out they all hire an army of help. See it as an investment in your family - cheaper than the divorce that will follow if you and DH keep score of who does what every free moment

I mean 3 kids is a lot even without working full time as well, so I think it's a mixture of full time work plus your choice of family size. Me and my husband have condensed to 4day weeks with different days so we each get 3 days weekends, and 1 whole date ach all to ourselves. It's an absolute game changer

Get help in. Someone to play with them for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Maybe 2 so they can take them to the park.

@mambojambodothetango YES - actually, you’re totally right!

@Youcancallmeirrelevant how old is/are your child/children? I was considering something like this once everyone is in school. I don’t think I can condense hours at the moment because we already stagger our start work and finish times so that one of us can do school and nursery drop off and one do pickup. When I’m collecting them all from the same place it will save a fair bit of time though.

Agree that the family size contributes to the struggle. But hey, nobody plans twins 😅

It sounds like you are both teetering on the edge. Unable to ask each other for help etc. It sounds miserable.
It seems both of you working full time is the issue especially with 3 children.
I disagree with @mambojambodothetangoas my husband is an equal parent and we both have changed the way we work to care for our child, ourselves and each other and had these discussions when we were ttc.

I work 30 hours a week which is 2 days, 1 week and 3 days the next. My shifts change every week and also fall on weekends. So it is good for childcare, getting household jobs etc done and some me time.
My husband works condensed hours over 4 days, also has flexi start and finish times to help with school runs, before Covid he already worked from home 1-2 days per week. He could work in the private sector for more money but this works for our family.

You need to sit down with your husband about how you are both feeling and any practical ways you can both make changes to improve this situation.

Sounds like you need a weekend away yourself. Or weekends away need to be off the cards for both of you for a year or two.

Is DH also in a FT senior stressful role? Two such roles and 3 young kids is HARD and tbh in most families one parent ends up scaling back their job. The alternative is to throw money at it to get through the small years - but that depends on your income.

Same boat and found that stepping back only reduced my income and delayed my growth. The best way I found was throwing money wherever I could to solve the challenge. I was earning enough so outsourced everything - cleaner, gardener, cook, househelp to tidy. Was worth paying for ‘sanity’ and I’ve continued a lot of these even as kids have grown older as it buys me quality time with them rather than only doing domestic chores.

How is this helpful?

We did the same - outsourced all the boring stuff which kept our free time for the DT’s. School included breakfast and after school clubs which they loved and a babysitter was booked for every Friday night so DH and I could escape for the evening.
Each week DH and I would sit down and go through the weekly schedule to work out who would be where and when.
I got up with them on Saturday morning whilst DH had a lie in and he took them out for breakfast every Sunday so I had my lie in time. Most weekends were sports stuff - family park run, activity at the gym and when they got older school sports events.

Is going pt an option if so
Is it something you would want.

I think working ft then expecting to have me time when you have 3 children under 6 is unrealistic and selfish.

I'm in my 50s. We were taught we could have everything. Fill time successful career happy marriage happy kids. I Now know it's rubbish. You cant have everything. There isn't enough time.

You need to decide what matters. Your full time career or your children. Even just for a few years

Would your husband be asking himself this question? Perhaps he could drop his hours to pick up more of the slack at home and support your career.