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Original poster

Selfish adult children

81 replies

Lexirose01 · 06/07/2025 07:21

This is a little long winded but it’s really upsetting me.
a little background.. My eldest son moved away 6 years ago which was hard for me as we are so close. We remained very close but I was proud of his life. Fast forward to now and my youngest son has been given the opportunity to move to the same place as his brother. There is 6 years between them. My eldest isn’t happy with this and is trying his best to stop the move. He’s also made it clear that he’s too busy to help out with the move even though we all had to travel 5 hours to help him move in to his new place. We are now travelling back and fourth to arrange this move with no offer of help or even to stay at his place overnight. He also doesn’t want to store anything for his brother until his brothers house is ready.
I know that this will fester and inevitably will cause a rift between us.
any advise on how to move forward would be appreciated x

OP posts:
Lafufufu · 06/07/2025 07:25

He obviously cant dictate where people live....

You and your husband raised a bit of a shithead (it happens... really it does and through no fault of your own most of time)
My extended family is BIG so I see the nitty gritty of a large sample size.

Stop asking for anything.
Youngest should get a storage unit for his stuff.

Consider letting your youngest learn a bit of independence and manage this himself - if he is buying a house he must be fairly old?
...that way be might be more grateful for any help you offer unlike your oldest

Don't even ask your oldest for anything relating to the move and dont listen to any complaints about his brother.

If I was feeling generous I'd explain to the oldest if a Transactional relationship is what he wants with his parents, he can have it but he'll likely regret it. And if he carries on like this he will upset his brother and possibly irreplaceably damage their relationship.

Gallivanterer · 06/07/2025 07:28

When I was younger all my moves were just throw stuff into a big backpack and a suitcase and sort it out...
Why is this move requiring roping all family members in with loads of back and forth?

PersephoneParlormaid · 06/07/2025 07:28

You have to accept that he is an adult who has decided what he will and won’t do, and is sticking by it.
It might be that there’s another side to this, and that’s why he’s doing it, or it could be that he’s being a twat. We’d need to know both sides to decide.

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Families
mindutopia · 06/07/2025 07:33

I don’t think any of this is selfish. He’s just saying this doesn’t work for him (possibly for good reason, maybe he is aware that there will be issues if he gets involved). I don’t have a sibling, but definitely thinking of Dh and his brother (who are very close), neither have ever helped the other move house.

It sounds like he’s saying he doesn’t want to get involved and brother needs to stand on his own two feet if he’s going to live independently. Which he does. Organise the move when the house is ready, his things can go right in, no storage needed. Hopefully he is working and he can pay to put you up in a hotel as a thank you for your help with his move, or you can stay at his new place.

Original poster
Lexirose01 · 06/07/2025 07:34

So, the youngest lived away in uni and the eldest lives 5 hour drive away from me. The opportunity came for the youngest to move to the same place as his brother and he accepted. The house in which he will be living won’t be ready until next month so he’s had to move home to mine until that time. His brother has a spare room and loads of storage space. So we have moved all his stuff from uni to ours and when it’s time to move we have to drive it all there. My youngest doesn’t drive.

OP posts:
Gallivanterer · 06/07/2025 07:36

Lexirose01 · 06/07/2025 07:34

So, the youngest lived away in uni and the eldest lives 5 hour drive away from me. The opportunity came for the youngest to move to the same place as his brother and he accepted. The house in which he will be living won’t be ready until next month so he’s had to move home to mine until that time. His brother has a spare room and loads of storage space. So we have moved all his stuff from uni to ours and when it’s time to move we have to drive it all there. My youngest doesn’t drive.

Well he could just pack two suitcases and then get on a train to (I presume) London when the time comes?

You're making it sound like this epic voyage when its a simple journey at an age when people dont usually have that much stuff

Original poster
Lexirose01 · 06/07/2025 07:37

Lafufufu · 06/07/2025 07:25

He obviously cant dictate where people live....

You and your husband raised a bit of a shithead (it happens... really it does and through no fault of your own most of time)
My extended family is BIG so I see the nitty gritty of a large sample size.

Stop asking for anything.
Youngest should get a storage unit for his stuff.

Consider letting your youngest learn a bit of independence and manage this himself - if he is buying a house he must be fairly old?
...that way be might be more grateful for any help you offer unlike your oldest

Don't even ask your oldest for anything relating to the move and dont listen to any complaints about his brother.

If I was feeling generous I'd explain to the oldest if a Transactional relationship is what he wants with his parents, he can have it but he'll likely regret it. And if he carries on like this he will upset his brother and possibly irreplaceably damage their relationship.

Edited

Spot on!! Thank you x
hes renting a house with a few others. It’s through a job offer x

OP posts:
Lafufufu · 06/07/2025 07:37

Thats cool
especially as job market is dire right now.
well done youngest son!

Separately your Youngest should start taking driving lessons now.

I know quite a few people (london) who didnt at school / uni and then struggled badly in their 30s to learn... when they finally needed to drive

landlordhell · 06/07/2025 07:41

Lafufufu · 06/07/2025 07:25

He obviously cant dictate where people live....

You and your husband raised a bit of a shithead (it happens... really it does and through no fault of your own most of time)
My extended family is BIG so I see the nitty gritty of a large sample size.

Stop asking for anything.
Youngest should get a storage unit for his stuff.

Consider letting your youngest learn a bit of independence and manage this himself - if he is buying a house he must be fairly old?
...that way be might be more grateful for any help you offer unlike your oldest

Don't even ask your oldest for anything relating to the move and dont listen to any complaints about his brother.

If I was feeling generous I'd explain to the oldest if a Transactional relationship is what he wants with his parents, he can have it but he'll likely regret it. And if he carries on like this he will upset his brother and possibly irreplaceably damage their relationship.

Edited

Good advice

landlordhell · 06/07/2025 07:45

You would still have to drive the stuff to eldest’s flat/ house to store it. Surely you have more storage than eldest son ?

Original poster
Lexirose01 · 06/07/2025 08:03

Gallivanterer · 06/07/2025 07:36

Well he could just pack two suitcases and then get on a train to (I presume) London when the time comes?

You're making it sound like this epic voyage when its a simple journey at an age when people dont usually have that much stuff

Show quote history

the house he’s going to is unfurnished so there’s furniture too. His place in uni was closer to my eldest house so would have made sense to store it there for a month but he refused so we had to move it to mine 5 hours away then 5 hours back in 3 weeks

OP posts:
landlordhell · 06/07/2025 08:06

How much furniture does he have from uni? How big is eldest’s place?

Gallivanterer · 06/07/2025 08:07

Lexirose01 · 06/07/2025 08:03

the house he’s going to is unfurnished so there’s furniture too. His place in uni was closer to my eldest house so would have made sense to store it there for a month but he refused so we had to move it to mine 5 hours away then 5 hours back in 3 weeks

Show quote history

Jesus cant he just do the normal thing of finding some stuff locally on FB marketplace?!

DesperateforSunshine · 06/07/2025 08:09

It seems like DS1 is being a bit of a cock about this but nobody will ever find out why, but when he needs the favour returned I'm sure he'll be reminded. It seems like Tit for Tat but surely he'll realise and be more sensible in the future when family needs some help/support. It can't be easy to see it happen like this as Im sure you assisted in every way in the past but maybe he didn't realise how much help you've given in the past.

Original poster
Lexirose01 · 06/07/2025 08:09

landlordhell · 06/07/2025 08:06

How much furniture does he have from uni? How big is eldest’s place?

Bed, desk, clothes rails
The eldest has an empty room and a big empty garage

OP posts:
landlordhell · 06/07/2025 08:10

Well he does sound selfish then. Did your son ask him or was all the communication done through you?

Original poster
Lexirose01 · 06/07/2025 08:16

Mostly through me but we all met a few weeks ago to discuss things and he point blank said that he’s not wanting to be put out by this move.
bearing in mind, we helped him move to his house 6 months ago and his brother got the train to help too.

OP posts:
landlordhell · 06/07/2025 08:21

And no reason given? Does he need the space for something else? Has he always been selfish?

Dontcallmescarface · 06/07/2025 08:29

Maybe something has happened between the 2 brothers that you are not aware of and a rift has developed between them. The reason's behind the eldest not helping may not be due to him being "selfish" at all.

landlordhell · 06/07/2025 08:32

You said he’s trying to stop the move, not just that he is not willing to help in anyway. Do you think he has an inflated ego and thinks only he can be the successful son who is doing well in London or wherever he lives? Sounds very arrogant but also extremely childish.
If this is the case I would not be offering him support in the future and I would encourage DS2 to do the same. You have correctly pointed this out to him but now you have to mean it. I get it. It’s very sad to think your son would shun very basic help of offering unused space temporarily. Hopefully he will grow up, eventually.

landlordhell · 06/07/2025 08:32

Dontcallmescarface · 06/07/2025 08:29

Maybe something has happened between the 2 brothers that you are not aware of and a rift has developed between them. The reason's behind the eldest not helping may not be due to him being "selfish" at all.

Maybe but you’d think son 2 would say so

BunnyLake · 06/07/2025 08:34

Yes he sounds selfish (I have two adult kids and if one refused the same request I wouldn’t be impressed). Well at least he won’t have the gall to ask for any favours himself, will he!

Dontcallmescarface · 06/07/2025 08:36

landlordhell · 06/07/2025 08:32

Maybe but you’d think son 2 would say so

Show quote history

Unless it was son 2 who caused it.

TheignT · 06/07/2025 08:37

Dontcallmescarface · 06/07/2025 08:29

Maybe something has happened between the 2 brothers that you are not aware of and a rift has developed between them. The reason's behind the eldest not helping may not be due to him being "selfish" at all.

That wouldn't stop him offering his mother a bed for the night as he has a spare room.

I think people are just making excuses for him. He sounds very unpleasant.

BunnyLake · 06/07/2025 08:38

landlordhell · 06/07/2025 08:32

Maybe but you’d think son 2 would say so

Show quote history

Yes surely one of them would say, actually we’ve fallen out, so they probably haven’t. This sort of territorial behaviour against a sibling (don’t fraternise with me) should end at school not into adulthood. My eldest would be thrilled if his brother moved to the same place.