Selfish adult children

[Lexirose01]

This is a little long winded but it’s really upsetting me.
a little background.. My eldest son moved away 6 years ago which was hard for me as we are so close. We remained very close but I was proud of his life. Fast forward to now and my youngest son has been given the opportunity to move to the same place as his brother. There is 6 years between them. My eldest isn’t happy with this and is trying his best to stop the move. He’s also made it clear that he’s too busy to help out with the move even though we all had to travel 5 hours to help him move in to his new place. We are now travelling back and fourth to arrange this move with no offer of help or even to stay at his place overnight. He also doesn’t want to store anything for his brother until his brothers house is ready.
I know that this will fester and inevitably will cause a rift between us.
any advise on how to move forward would be appreciated x

Agree. Son 1 would say to his mum ‘ Son 2 was a pain last time he came down so I’m not wanting to get involved.’

Then son 1 would say so.

Oh that's tough, I assume your son has moved to this place to create his own identity and now think its being encroached on which is understandable. I think you should stay out of it and let the relationship naturally evolve, they are now both adults and you don't want to bear any fallout

There has never been any rows between them, there’s a 6 year age gap and they both have different personalities but share the same interests in sport. My eldest is established and respected where he lives and has a professional job. I do think that he sees the move as an infringement on his new life and maybe he likes to think he’s a different person there to what we know of him at home and doesn’t want to act different around his brother? We have always been so close but he’s become a bit too big for his boots over the last few years and forgetting who helped and supported him to get where he is now.

As I thought, he needs to grow up. Never forget where you came from .

Actually when I think about it, you're already encroaching. Now you want DC to help moving and store younger DCs things. I'm guessing older DC probably always has had to help younger DC, you know how much older siblings can resent the younger ones. What you're asking is perfectly normal and reasonable and I'd be pissed off too, but actually step back and let older DC see that it won't be a big deal and ruin his new life he's carved for himself. I hate the word, but he's probably trying to "assert his boundaries" early on

Stop babying your son. He's been to university and has found a job in a different part of the country - I'm sure he's capable of getting himself and his stuff to his new home. If he needs furniture, then he'll get some. It sounds as though you're annoyed with older brother because he isn't doing what you're doing. The point is, you don't need to do it.

But the eldest son had this same help when he moved.

Maybe he doesn’t want son 2’s move to be made easier because he didn’t have local storage when he moved. Again, childish. He’s acting the big professional but really he’s still a selfish teenager . I agree with others that as hurtful as it is, you need to step back. Help your second son to move and do t even tell son 1 any more about it.

That's a fair point, but also who cares in the wider scheme of things.

Why are you getting so involved, OP? These are two adults - they can organise things between themselves, or not - that's up to them.
Maybe your perception that they are "close" is a bit of wishful thinking? It's quite normal for adult siblings to realise that they're not that fussed about each other. Just leave them to it, and let your sons live their own lives.

Mum does and so would I . OP said she was close to son 1 before not that the brothers were close.

Who cares about what?

If the eldest had help

Family should help each other when and if they can. If you can’t look to your family that’s pretty sad. I guess Son 1 will never need a favour or help from family ever again in the future if that’s his stance.

Well of course that matters and should be taken into consideration, but then I don’t believe in everyone for themselves and fuck everyone else (including family).

And what is ‘the wider scheme of things’ in this context?

There’s no obligation for the eldest to house the youngest. Clearly he realises that this would not work. You are the one weaponising him having boundaries as selfishness, and you are the one potentially causing the rift. This is probably why the eldest doesn’t want the younger moving as he knows how you will see it.
They are grown ups. Let them live their lives.

Son 2 is not moving in with Son 1.

Of course, in the grand scheme of things this would be good advice to follow but it’s hurting me, my youngest is happy to get things done on his own. I have always helped them and they’ve always been more than happy to accept my help, whether it’s financial or personally.
the thing that’s upsetting is that he refused to even store a bed and mattress in his empty garage in case he needed the space. Oh and then said if it’s on my property I will have to help move it to his new house. (10 minutes from his house)
then went on to say he has plans on the weekend we are helping him move in and hasn’t got time to help out.

I’m taking some advice from all responses and thank you taking the time to reply. I feel that we all have different parenting approaches and I probably do mummy then far too much but have also been like great friends and spend hours on the phone laughing and chatting. They have always confided in me and we do have boundaries but I always be overprotective, I wouldn’t know how else to be.

Come on op, stop with the I’ve always done this, that’s how I am. You’re a parent and realising your child is selfish - the single best thing you can do is refresh how you are, and consider how best to approach this situation now. Personally I’d do it by calling eldest and saying let’s all take a little time,I don’t think we will see you on the weekend as I know I will be thinking of the effort we put in quite recently to help you move and how that contrasts with your attitude here, and I expect brother will be thinking slightly more strongly that you can rot if you need hand any time soon, it’s human nature to feel like this. I’m just disappointed really, I thought I brought you up to give and take not just take.

OP I'd be really pissed off if my older DC did this, I also come from a culture where family helps each other out so I do understand. Maybe there's something else going on. I think you really just need to stay out of it and let this go.

The people who helped him now he's refusing to help in return? Obviously?

Um I think we've moved on. Cheers!

Lmao, are you new to the internet or?