Kids not listening to DH and his impatience

[CostasD]

Hi all
i need some advice. My husband is very hands on, helpful and dearly loves the children. They generally listen to me far more than to him. Particularly my daughter, who is very slightly neurodivergent, and doesn’t listen to him causing stressful school mornings! Sometimes he gets stressed when they don’t listen. He has never and would never, intentionally harm or hurt them.
However, on 3 occasions he’s pushed them away and on 2 they were hurt.
The first time, a few months ago my 8 year old was messing about and pushing past him. My DH pushed our child away but inadvertently by a door frame; our child then got a bump on head after falling against the door frame when pushed away.

The second time. 2 months ago, my 10 year old was kicking up sand at the beach near DH and not listening to his request to stop. DH got fed up and pushed my child away who fell right over (luckily on the sand and not on stones)

The third time, today, my 4 yo was kicking up at sliding along the wooden floor on a cushion. DH asked child to stop who didnt. DH then pulled the cushion away and child toppled over, hitting head onto the wooden floor and now has a lump and bruise on eye socket.

Each time i comfort the kids and tell DH off and this time Ive sent him for a walk to reflect whilst i settled the kids to bed. He said it was an accident which is was, but it each time it was his action due to feeling angry and fed up. I feel miserable. I don’t know what to do.
he’s never hit me or the kids and I don’t think he would, but I feel he needs to change his behaviour

None of those examples was an accident

Thank you for replying. I know he didn’t mean for any of them to fall or get hurt but if he didn’t touch them, they wouldn’t have. So yes he’s definitely responsible. My children are my world; I just don’t know what to do

Tell him if he does it again he’ll have to leave. You’re essentially sitting back and watching your “D”H hurt your DC.

Thank you. This morning my 4 year old was kicking and punching his leg to show how upset he was with what husband did. Husband just said he’s sorry repeatedly.

I had a word with husband this morning and said Im done with it and I don’t want to parent the kids together when he’s doing this. That I don’t want the kids to grow up thinking that’s normal. And that he needs to stay somewhere else or here but to get help and sort out his parenting and keep out of our way and I’ll look after the children. Then once he changes we’ll see if we can resume parenting together.

Huge, huge red flags here.

If SS got involved, and you remained with your DH while he 'sorts' his parenting out, you'd be seen as incapable of safeguarding your children and they'd be very real candidates for foster care while you were both assessed.

Read up on non-accidantal injuries and how they present and how the local authority deal with them. These were not even accidents, intent does not negate harm!

He needs to move out.
You need to safeguard.
He needs a parenting course or 3 and you need to recognise that what's he's done/doing isn't acceptable, under any circumstances.

I practice child protection law - you'd easily be a file on my desk.

Your husband's behaviour is shocking.

Both of you however need to focus on how to get your children to pay attention and listen. And allowing your 4 year old to kick isn't ideal either.

I had a word with husband this morning and said Im done with it and I don’t want to parent the kids together when he’s doing this. That I don’t want the kids to grow up thinking that’s normal. And that he needs to stay somewhere else or here but to get help and sort out his parenting and keep out of our way and I’ll look after the children. Then once he changes we’ll see if we can resume parenting together.

Well done. Because none of those examples are accidents. An accident is like when you close a door and don’t see a child’s finger or slip down the stairs whilst carrying them. A push is a deliberate action and don’t kid yourself for a moment that he doesn’t understand that pushing someone half his size could result in injury because that’s something that most kids have grasped by preschool.

Thank you. Please see my reply above on what I told him this morning. Even though when he pulled the cushion away from my four year-old, he didn’t mean for my four year-old to fall over and bump his head, his action still caused that result,

but in the other two instances, he clearly pushed them away and although in one instance my child was physically coming at him, in the other one, my 10-year-old was kicking sand in his face face, he needs to learn how to deal with that without pushing them away. He doesn’t even shout at them, never shouts or even raises his voice at me, has never hit the children ever and has never laid a finger on me. But these three instances are big red flags for me and he needs to go somewhere else and focus on his parenting, and proves he’s changed before I even consider parenting alongside him again.

Thank you. You’re completely right. He’s going to move out today or tomorrow at an air bnb to focus on sorting out his parenting away from us.

He has never, and would never intentionally hurt or harm them.

And yet he has, repeatedly. You were absolutely right to call him out on it. Glad to read he’s moving out. Stay strong Op, you are steering the right course for your DC.

You leave him that’s what you do.

I’ve just seen your update well done

I completely agree that’s absolutely not acceptable.

but why on earth are you allowing your children to behave like that as well? Unless there is SENSE, a 10 yo should not be repeatedly kicking sand in someone’s face, and a 4yo shouldn’t be hitting and kicking!!

Why are you letting your children push/kick/throw sand?

we didn’t allow it. He had never kicked sand before and we told him to stop but in that moment he carried on. The kids listen to me but for some reason they don’t listen to my husband as much. maybe it’s something I’ve done wrong

Mmm..I’d be very wary of him saying he’s changed his ways etc and coming back. You need to think about how he will be able to evidence this over sufficient time without putting the kids at risk

An adult should “mean” the consequences of their actions. How is he so impulsive and, well, unstable that he can’t control his impulse to hurt them?

We didn’t allow it. He had never kicked sand before and we told him to stop but in that moment he carried on. The kids listen to me but for some reason they don’t listen to my husband as much. maybe it’s something I’ve done wrong

The kids listen to me but for some reason they don’t listen to my husband as much. maybe it’s something I’ve done wrong

More like something you’ve done right?

I have ND kids and they listen to me more than DH because DH uses too many words. I have learned over time to keep it very simple. Shoes and bag now. Upstairs for teeth. Stop kicking. Whereas DH needs to spout an essay every time and they just switch off. So perhaps it’s a difference in the way you speak?

Or perhaps, given his behaviour towards them, they don’t care about pleasing him.

Your children don't listen to your husband because he's probably not firm enough. If they don't do as he's asked, what consequences does he give them? By the sounds of it, none. Therefore they know when Dad tells them not to do something or to stop, there's no consequences, so they carry on. He's now pushing the children, because they don't listen, out of frustration with them. Your children have no respect for your husband as a parent. I suspect you often have to come in and 'rescue' your husband when the children won't do as he's asked? I agree that he needs to move out. He also needs to go on a parenting course to learn how to cope with his children, and learn strategies.

He also sounds very intolerant.
So what if your child was sliding around on a cushion? That what 4 year olds do. It's called playing.
If he was using a best cushion, you swap it for a older one, and if he was doing in the kitchen you tell him to go into the hall where it's safer.

Well done, you've done the right thing. "Focusing on his parenting" is a bit woolly, he needs to proactively find a parenting course to learn the skills he is missing. Don't let him off the hook by wondering if it's something you've done wrong, you haven't had any longer learning to be a parent than him, it's not your job to teach him how to do it too!

Sounds really odd behaviour from your children. A 10 year old kicking sand at their dad? Obviously his reactions were unacceptable but maybe some kind of family intervention / therapy would help?

That wasn't what the OP said. He was kicking sand near his dad, not at his dad.

Thank you so much; reading your message, I feel heard.
Yes my daughter is ND (being assessed for autism) and my eldest has ND traits. And to be honest, I think I do too. I use short instructions with her and spend hours planning ahead to manage the number of last minute changes for her. Husband gives a few requests in one ago and I said the same thing as you.
and yes the kids also struggle with his lack of communication and appearing fed up with them when he’s tired. So that hasn’t helped either