Kids not listening to DH and his impatience

[CostasD]

Hi all
i need some advice. My husband is very hands on, helpful and dearly loves the children. They generally listen to me far more than to him. Particularly my daughter, who is very slightly neurodivergent, and doesn’t listen to him causing stressful school mornings! Sometimes he gets stressed when they don’t listen. He has never and would never, intentionally harm or hurt them.
However, on 3 occasions he’s pushed them away and on 2 they were hurt.
The first time, a few months ago my 8 year old was messing about and pushing past him. My DH pushed our child away but inadvertently by a door frame; our child then got a bump on head after falling against the door frame when pushed away.

The second time. 2 months ago, my 10 year old was kicking up sand at the beach near DH and not listening to his request to stop. DH got fed up and pushed my child away who fell right over (luckily on the sand and not on stones)

The third time, today, my 4 yo was kicking up at sliding along the wooden floor on a cushion. DH asked child to stop who didnt. DH then pulled the cushion away and child toppled over, hitting head onto the wooden floor and now has a lump and bruise on eye socket.

Each time i comfort the kids and tell DH off and this time Ive sent him for a walk to reflect whilst i settled the kids to bed. He said it was an accident which is was, but it each time it was his action due to feeling angry and fed up. I feel miserable. I don’t know what to do.
he’s never hit me or the kids and I don’t think he would, but I feel he needs to change his behaviour

Thank you. The consequences he gives is less screen time. Though I apply it more consistently than he does. We also praise them for great behaviour so they can earn some of their removed screen time back.
i dont know if I rescue DH; I pull him up on if he doesn’t stick to the rules we agree on such as screen time, sweets etc but I need to make sure I don’t do it in front of the kids.
when they’re at school i talk to him about what works for me and give him ideas to help him with the kids but change has taken longer than their timescales.
I told him to go on a parenting course many times; he went for a therapeutic 1-1 parenting support and also the Camhs one at school. But the change wasn’t enough x

OP later clarified that the 10 year old was kicking sand in his face (although there is a typo in that post, that’s what I took from it). OP also said her 4 yo “went for” the H. But 4 yo’s are too young to be held responsible.

Yes you’re right. He did therapeutic 1-1 parenting sessions that didn’t really work and he did the camhs 1-1 parenting sessions (6 in total) he took lots of notes and is trying bit looks defeated a lot of the time and the kids notice so probably play up more.
but I told him he needs to do a parenting course that is relevant to him and our kids. whilst he’s staying away he’ll have more time to book it. Focus on parenting wasn’t meant to be a woolly comment, it’s all the above x

He's an abusive know.

But your children are being little pests

You say the incidents were 'accidents' and yet each time he pushed the child.
You say he would never intentionally hurt your children and yet each time he pushed the child.
You say he didn't mean to hurt your child and yet he pulled away the cushion, and the child fell onto the floor and hurt their head.

At the very, very minimum your DH is behaving in a incredibly thoughtless way, not thinking through the consequences of his actions. This is extremely dangerous - he is the adult and much bigger and stronger than your children. A push from him can have serious consequences. I would expect a young child to push another out of the way, if they had been bumped into, not a fully grown adult. Just because he wouldn't harm your children 'deliberately', doesn't mean the hurt and pain he is causing them is any the less than if he had set out to hurt them on purpose. Let alone any example he is setting them on how the behave around others.

You started off excusing his behaviour but I think from your updates that you are starting to see the pattern of behaviour from him is unacceptable. You are stepping in, which is good, but will he step up and seek out better communication methods with the children ?

certainly not excusing it. Seeking to understand and reflect, yes but not ever excusing it. Hence he’s moving out for a while. He said it was an accident i said. I said he didn’t intend to hurt them but his actions meant that he did. That’s why he’s moving elsewhere for a while, as I won’t accept it happening again ever.

Just to update you all that he’s gone. I then settled the kids who fell contently to sleep, two of whom are near me. He knows he has to change and he needed this decision to be made. I feel a bit stronger than yesterday and I did the best for my children which is all that matters.

he might aswell hit them in the face , or punch them? would that make it easier for you to leave him?
gars words op but truth is he has caused 2-3 injuries using his force & this has resulted in a bump and black eyes?! cmon woman how many more injuries do y want to see this is fully intentional abuse.
one day he will push one so hard they may smack themselves unconscious or on concrete and cause brain or permanent eye damage. wake up. you are their only source of help!

op im sorry i crossed post. he will never change, im glad u have put your children first. brave strong 💪🏼 woman xx u did the right thing x