Having children better than I ever realised it could be

[tatattataa]

I always grew up not wanting to have any children. It always sounded awful and everyone would constantly tell me how hard it was, how financially crippling it is, how you never get time for yourself. It sounded so unappealing and I was so happy being selfish in my life.
I hope this doesn’t come across as a brag, more so of a positive statement.

Things changed and I was lucky enough to meet a very kind respectful man and we ended up having a baby, we are now a year in and I can say hands down it’s so much better than I ever had imagined. My baby has made my life infinitely better, I feel more rounded in life and certainly more grounded. The things that used to be important now seem abit of a waste of time (whilst I loved it at the time).
Does anyone else feel like everyone makes it out to be worse than what it is?

I was expecting it to be more boring than it is. But actually I think baby and toddler development turns out to be quite interesting when you're there watching it happen.

Not everyone. Some people, if they had their time again would chose not to. Some people struggle in the early years. Some the teen years. It really depends on the baby/ teenager. Some find it a doddle. Personally the first 4 weeks were my least favourite.

I have the best kids in the world and I’ve always thought so. I’ve loved every stage, apart from brand new newborn but I really miss my toddlers. They were adorable. They’re all adults now.

I found having DD such a life changing experience. To be honest it didn't improve my life, it just changed it.

After being a child free adult for over 20 years I found the loss of freedom to do what I wanted when I wanted very hard. We then had the double whammy of her serious health issues (now resolved) that meant I was housebound with her for over a year.

Agree. I was the same not interested in children/ babies. But even when it’s really hard, they really do make life more interesting. Obviously it all depends on your life circumstances because we may not all be in secure relationships, and all children are different so it can be tough for so many parents. But I think most people would agree they do make you reevaluate a lot of things in life.

I agree. I always wanted children but was scared about what it would be like. I have two young DC now and whilst it’s very hard at times it’s also wonderful and has made my life so much better.

Sometimes it just works out well for people, how fortunate you are, congratulations.

I really didn't enjoy the newborn stage and I think that lack of sleep stage really highlights any cracks in a relationship, however robust it is pre-kids, but as a fellow 'wasn't fussed about having kids' person, now I have three teenagers I'm so glad we decided to have them. Loved mine as toddlers as well, them starting to speak was a fascinating process. My kids are fabulous though, don't like other people's kids till they are at least at secondary though.

I was really ambivalent all through my 20’s despite being with my partner for most of that time. Heading towards 35 and us both losing a parent made us reevaluate and I have never looked back.
I remember saying ( kids are now adults) that I hadn’t realised how much fun it would be as well as the downsides of no sleep, lack of freedom, financial hit etc.
That said, I still think we were probably too selfish in our twenties

I love being a mother! It’s the only thing I’ve ever done well in my life. I struggled immensely after my first child was born as I have no family and a shitty marriage, but once I got through those first hard months I have loved every moment. I struggled to conceive and I feel very very lucky to have had my two. They’re getting older fast and I’m trying to adapt to them needing me less. I’m actually worried about the future because I’m not sure who I am when they won’t need me as much.

My eldest is a young adult now, there's never been a day when I'd have traded in this life with children for anything else. I think it's one of the most rewarding and interesting things to do - an adventure of a lifetime. I can't believe how much bad press it gets and I'm so pleased I didn't put it off.

I could have written your post OP, I feel exactly the same. DS is just one and a joy. I had 20 years of selfish adult life before he came along and I don't find the loss of it as hard as I expected to, because he’s worth it all.

It’s the toss of a coin though, I know at least a couple of people who were never in any doubt that they wanted kids but had a rose-tinted view of cute babies and never stopped to consider the whole picture. The reality has come as something of a shock.

I disliked having 'children' ( was a single parent to five and it was hell at times), but now they are all grown up and turning out to be wonderful productive members of society who are fabulous company and get on together amazingly well - I can actually enjoy it.

In my case it was circumstance though. I probably would have enjoyed it more if I hadn't had an XH who decamped and only saw them once a year and never paid so we were poor. But now, looking back (and the kids only seem to remember the good stuff) there were bits I loved. But yes, I like this bit best.

That’s lovely OP, will
you have more children?
I loved being a parent to under 12’s but find the older ages challenging/less rewarding.

I was like you, never wanted kids then met a guy and fell pregnant by accident. Now married with a wonderful toddler and wonder if I should have done it sooner!

Honestly though, it changes you as a person so much. Perhaps those who have kids younger don't see it as they haven't had "selfish adult" time to crystalise.

Having children is so personal. It's not a one-size-fits-all experience. That said, it undeniably IS an experience that has its peaks and troughs. If you're enjoying it, that's great! More people should talk about how wonderful it is.

I think the reason they don't, though, is because when it's hard, it's very hard. And, out of humility, possibly, because you never know when that hard phase, the one that might shift the way you feel about parenting (not about your child), is round the corner.

I'm mostly keen to hear from those with adult children on their positive feelings about parenting because they have actually gone the distance.

I feel similarly - I spent many happy years being truly selfish before I had kids. Not in a bad way, I just had a very happy time working, seeing friends, travelling, building a life with my husband.

I’m a SAHM for now and I don’t mind sacrificing certain things and feeling slightly crazy at times because I’ve had my time. And no one can convince me I can’t have most of it back again when my children are a bit older - I’ve got over half my career still to go, places left to visit, friends to meet and enjoy time with. But for now, I’ll enjoy building a Duplo tower with my beautiful kids. Parenting is really hard but it’s not without its perks!

I'm glad it's all worked out well for you. I absolutely hated both the baby and toddler stage. I found them incredibly difficult. Now my son is older I absolutely love it although I would never have another child. I'm happy for the life we have now.

Your kids are so lucky to have such a devoted mum. Your last sentence reminded me so much of my brilliant mum who shaped her life around me and my siblings for such a long time. She has found this book really helpful as she’s getting to know her new position in the family. https://www.theschooloflife.com/shop/tsol-press-who-am-i-journal/ maybe you’d find it helpful to work through too!

I know she also worked on seeing the next chapter as exciting - when you don’t know what you like or want, you have the freedom to try everything and anything and meet new people along the way. Stay open minded and the worst case scenario is you’ll have some brilliant anecdotes to share with your kids (who will be thrilled to hear them!).

Thank you so much 🩷

It depends on you and the baby. Having a sickly reflux baby that will scream and scream and scream and only sleep upright and then turns out to have multiple allergies is not an experience I would say has improved my life. My living room walls still need re-painting from him projectile vomiting 20+ times a day. And the memories of him screaming for 3+ hours every night in my arms are burned into my brain forever.

Do I love my son? Yes. Is he the light of my life? Yes. Do I regret having him? No.

Am I incredibly worried and overworked and exhausted all the time and long for some time for myself? Absolutely.

I get this. My son was never settled since he was born. Screaming and crying and always needed me. When he was 2 I was concerned that he seemed “off”. I was desperate to find what was wrong, because he was obviously unhappy and I wanted him to be able to communicate and eat properly and laugh. After many many MANY circles and not being listened to, he was diagnosed with Coeliac. From the moment he stopped eating gluten he thrived completely. It’s so difficult and exhausting and upsetting when you can’t help your own child.

Nobody ever made it out to be better or worse than it is to me. I made my own observations based on watching the reality of the lives of parents amongst my own family and friends. It's great it's making you so happy OP.

I really wish people would stop calling childfree and childless people selfish. It's so rude and self congratulatory.

Having a kid is not at all selfless.

After having a horrendous start and the first two years were pretty brutal - severe silent reflux and multiple food allergies neither of which she has outgrown. I have loved the 3-5 year period however. I'm expecting number 2 and whilst dreading the early years and having a tiny baby but can't wait to have another small person

The stage I worry about is the teen stage. Don't yet have any kids but I could be a difficult teenager to my parents, still feel bad for it today!