Having children better than I ever realised it could be

[tatattataa]

I always grew up not wanting to have any children. It always sounded awful and everyone would constantly tell me how hard it was, how financially crippling it is, how you never get time for yourself. It sounded so unappealing and I was so happy being selfish in my life.
I hope this doesn’t come across as a brag, more so of a positive statement.

Things changed and I was lucky enough to meet a very kind respectful man and we ended up having a baby, we are now a year in and I can say hands down it’s so much better than I ever had imagined. My baby has made my life infinitely better, I feel more rounded in life and certainly more grounded. The things that used to be important now seem abit of a waste of time (whilst I loved it at the time).
Does anyone else feel like everyone makes it out to be worse than what it is?

I never thought much about having children really. I was too busy having a great time and enjoying my adult life (clubbing/gigs/partying/travel/holidays/friendships etc) But then I met my DH and we married and then I found myself wondering about being a Mum.

I have to say that as soon as I became pregnant I bonded with my baby. I loved them from the first time I felt them move. Unfortunately my first baby, my son, died shortly after he was born as I had pre-eclampsia (that is a whole other story) But then I became pregnant with my DD and my whole world changed.

I feel that being a Mum was what I was meant to be. Like everything in my life made sense and the love I had for my child was absolute. I had another DD and our family of 3 became 4 and I feel that being a Mum is one of the only things that I am good at and that ever felt really natural to me.

Not once have I ever wished I hadn't had my girls, or wanted my life before I had them back. They have enriched my life in a way I never ever thought possible.

To be honest I have been very very lucky in that I absolutely loved every single stage and, despite not having family close by, I didn't find motherhood too difficult (I know that will make me sound smug but its the truth)

I agree. I was pretty much euphoric after having my babies, particularly after my second one (birth of the first one was horrifically scary and she had colic later).

But I have loved it and even on the very difficult days when everyone was sick or I was lonely, I fully understood this was only temporary. The good days outweighed the bad by hundreds to one. My children are adults now, but having them is the best decision I ever made and I feel so darn lucky all the time.

I agree. Having children is just as selfish.

I’m on holiday with my 16 and 14 year old. It’s such a lovely stage - we really feel like a family and not like a couple who are winging it with two little ones (which is how it felt a bit it first!)

I have only just realised actually that the sense of being a family develops over time as the kids grow. Soon that will change again - once they leave home and grow their own families. And we’ll be a couple again.

@tatattataa why on earth would you be selfish for not having kids? Seems a bizarre statement.

Changed my life, overnight. My life before kids was quite self-centred and shallow. A life in black and white. Having kids has given me purpose, love and meaning. A life in glorious Technicolor.

Love being a mum.

I found this. I only really focused on the negatives of having children before I had them, so when I got to experience the positives and found that they far outweighed the negatives (for me at least), I was more than pleasantly surprised. Talk about a gamble that paid off! 😂

Midway through teenage years and I hate it.
I am trying to look at the big picture, remember the good days, plan for better days, but it's hard.
I don't regret it - but I do have moments of regret every day.
I am certainly more suited to having cats than parenting teens.

I’m sorry if I’ve missed the post where someone explicitly said childless/childfree people were selfish.

Both the OP and I said we led selfish lives before children - to clarify, I didn’t mean that in a negative way about myself and I certainly wasn’t intending to label all childless/childfree people ‘selfish’. As I said, I just had a really happy and fun life before I had children and I did so much of what I wanted to. I was selfish in the sense that I got to prioritise my happiness and fun a lot of the time. I hope that most people can be ‘selfish’ like this, especially when they are young. Obviously, there was still stress and work challenges and disappointments and some real sadness but generally speaking I had a really happy life before my kids. The ability to be ‘selfish’ in this way feels harder for me now with young kids - I spend a lot of time in places I have zero interest in being because my kids love them (soft play,
playgrounds etc.). My sleep, free time, career etc have all been impacted. It’s hard but I definitely still have a fun and happy life - it’s just different.

All of this is to describe my experience of having children, just as the OP was doing originally. I don’t think anyone was trying to create an ‘us v them’ chat. Just a few mums reflecting on how motherhood compares to what they thought it would be like!

tbh I'm nowhere as good a parent as i hoped to be.

But still am happy for OP.
X fingers that your babymoon continues forever. x

It's perfectly reasonable to talk about how motherhood has changed you and if that means that you have personally moved from being more to less selfish then it's nobody else's business or place to tell you to phrase it differently.

There's so many variables that affect the experience of parenting.

Like you, I absolutely love being a Mum and I felt really fulfilled raising small children. They completed something inside that I didn't know was missing & I've really enjoyed the primary years (DS off to high school induction today!)

But I had easy babies, good mental health, a reliable husband who does his fair share, we are financially stable and I was able to take full ML in a flexible job. All things that made it infinitely easier to ride the tiredness, cope with everyday stresses and enjoy lovely days out with the right equipment, clothes etc.

But. I can also feel change is coming, with my lovely, compliant baby boys starting to challenge & be slightly more... dramatic. I need to let the baby bit go now, and adapt to a new type of parenting. I hope to find lots of things to enjoy in this coming chapter.

We are extremely, extremely fortunate OP.

I loved being a mum with DD and then just before she turned 1 Covid hit as I was about to go back to work. Ended up shielding and whilst managed initially with DD and enjoyed time with her it got harder. Then I had DS towards the end, had a tough birth with him and then got diagnosed with cancer when he was six months old. No cancer support networks, no face to face HV and just kind of got left to drift. My relationship with DS really struggled and I found that I was indifferent to him. I looked back at videos of both kids recently from that time. I remember them being taken but instantly transported back to how I felt. They are now 4&6, I am loving this stage and feel I have a good bond with DS. He is much harder work that his big sister but he is funny, intelligent and I can't wait to see how our relationship develops as he grows.

This was such a nice post to read. I always wanted children and I love it, some parts are harder than others(in in the teenager stage now) but my only sadness is that we couldn’t have number 4.

My daughter was great until she turned 14, then Kevin the teenager appeared, she was an absolute nightmare. This attitude went on for years, way into her early 20’s. Now at the age of 29 and after waiting for 18months for an ADHD assessment, finally she’s a month away from seeing a psychiatrist. It’s been so fucking hard.

I was also diagnosed with M.S during this time. She’s also dyslexic, I had to push and push for her school to help, finally in year 11 they tested her, too fucking late, it’s the final year of G.C.S.E’s, they failed her so badly.

Sorry to be a Debbie downer, up until Kevin the teenager arrived it was lovely. I never expected it to turn out like it did, such hard work 🥴

Fgs..I don't have a children but that doesn't mean I live a 'selfish' life. It doesn't mean I only think of and prioritise myself.. what a stupid thing to say 🙄

Yes. I always remember my son, when very young, asking his grandmother (my MIL) what motherhood was like. The woman is always very negative about it (tells everyone including her own children that she didn't want children). She replied 'a lot of hard work' and other negative comments; nothing positive. I remember so clearly biting my tongue very hard because I wanted to say so many wonderful things (but my children know how much I love them, and motherhood).

I found the young years tiring rather than hard work. Teenage years a bit of a rollercoaster at times but the humour that you get with teens in the house is wonderful. I am separated from exH now but I think my experience of motherhood was helped by having a very positive husband. He was (still is) such an enthusiastic and supportive father. This must help the whole experience, I think. We were both also very keen to have children and we both like being around young people; both have been Scout leaders etc..

I always wanted children, used to dream of having loads of them. I have 2 but often in their younger and teenage years we had a lot of their friends in the house, too and I loved it. My parents were the same, always enjoyed being around young people and our house was often full of them, they loved all my friends etc. and were very laid back parents in a lot of ways.

Glad you are enjoying it, OP.

Before you get excited about calling other people names like stupid, I think you need to have a look at the idea of healthy selfishness - I’ll save you a tiny amount of energy by including a definition here…
“Healthy selfishness refers to prioritizing one's own needs, well-being, and happiness without neglecting or harming others. It's about self-respect, setting boundaries, and recognizing that taking care of oneself enables one to better care for others.”

As I said, I hope all people are practising a certain amount of selfishness in life, whether they have children or not. I certainly was more able to before children.

This post is about mums sharing their experiences of motherhood and how it has impacted them. You have no place correcting or insulting anyone’s description of their experience of this. Not because you don’t have children but because you can only speak of your experience. I’m not sure why you think calling anyone stupid is a reasonable thing to do but I in the future I would try to be a bit more understanding of other people’s experiences and a little slower to centre yourself in someone else’s story.

1. where did I say not having children makes you selfish? I think you’ll find I said that I was selfish, nothing about anyone not having kids is selfish.
2. why are you on MUMsnet.

go argue with the fence post in the garden 🤣

I don't know that people make it out to be worse than their subjective experience, but I personally have found it to be the best decision I've ever made.

Many of us find fulfillment in motherhood because, apart from the constraints of keeping the children healthy and giving them an adequate education, the choices are really up to us.
All our moral values, from gentle parenting to hothousing are played out on this tiny human that we’ve created. And though your parenting style may work for one, it might not suit the next.

Moulding an idealized “mini me+him” is risky, folks. Nobody passes an exam before they go into parenthood and with the best will in the world you’re making choices that are going to affect them forever. Do you have childhood hangups? Are you going in the direction of unreal expectations? Will your love depend on parental gratification or can you face the challenges yet to come?

Because they will. Your adorable 1yo ball of potential may have health, emotional or developmental issues further down the line. They could fall in with the wrong crowd or turn to substance abuse. They might not “make you happy” and they have every right not to.

So yes, OP, congratulations and take the good times when you can, we’re programmed to find joy and love in babies and toddlers but don’t underestimate the responsibilities of the job.

(I’m a parent of a 27yo and a 19yo who never longed for kids but considers them her “greatest achievement” , not without problems along the way.)

Lots of us on Mumsnet don't have children. It's a great forum on lots of subjects, many of which don't involve parenting....gardening, news, home etc.

Does anyone else feel like everyone makes it out to be worse than what it is?

Actually, no. I think everyone makes it out to be better than what it is. DD is nearly 25 and she really has put us through the mill.

The highs are brilliant, but the lows were awful.

I was like you, never wanted kids. Was with someone for 6 years and never any talk of wedding and kids, wasn’t for me (with him) we split up and I met my now husband, we married quickly & had our son after 2 and a half years (with 4 losses before hand) my son has made my life 100000x better, yeah it’s hard but he’s nearly 6 months now and the smiles and giggles make it all worth it. I realised I was so lost before, working and when I wasn’t working just moping around the house bored (I’m 29) , having my son gives me a proper purpose and I love it