Worried about browsing history of my son (9).

[detectivemama]

A couple of years ago, a relative kindly gave me an old computer they no longer needed for my son to have in his bedroom.. The idea being it would be helpful for schoolwork, homework and educational things like maths games etc. I agreed on the condition that all the necessary parental controls are in place (to stop son accessing anything inappropriate).
Anyway, all has been ok till this week.
On Friday (totally out of the blue and unsolicited), I had an email from a porn website, thanking me for signing up. Totally wasn't me. Nor do I look at/search for porn. There's only son and I in the house.
I mentioned this email to my partner (who lives elsewhere) and he said it's likely been triggered by something in the viewing/search history. Nothing of that sort on my phone or laptop, so he advised me to check son's search/browse history as it would all be connected and linked to the home broadband. I'm not very knowledgeable about stuff like this tbh, but partner explained how it all works.
Anyway, son is away this weekend so I've taken the chance to look at his history.
Turns out he's been searching thinks like "boobies", "bums" (not too alarming for a curious 9 year old who is learning about puberty at school)... But then he's been searching for other things like "sexy girls photos", "sex" "girl undressing". Then there are some youtube videos in his history about sex-related things, also about intimate hair removal/waxing on girls.
A relative has just taken son's computer away to install tighter settings and will bring it back when done. Also blocked youtube on our smart TV in the living room. No TV in son's room (thankfully).
I don't want to embarass son by saying I know what he's been searching, so I'm planning to say we've been hacked and my bank accounts have been compromised by some dodgy youtube links being clicked on in our house. Keep it general, so not pointing the finger at him.
Planning to say bank fraud team advised me to block youtube to prevent any further hacks affecting us.
Am I handling this well? Any other parents of similar-aged children had this experience?

You have to talk to him about it.
How can you be certain what he's seen ? You haven't kept him safe enough and it's good you have now realised this and can rectify it
If he's signed up for a porn website in your email he is savvier than you think he is. You can't just lie to him about the banks... You have to talk about it properly.

I would just have a chat with him about it, don’t make it into some huge issue that he feels embarrassed about or has to hide.

When my then 10 yo came home from school saying that ‘pornhub’ had been discussed in the playground we had an in depth conversation about the types of thing that would be on there, how it is all acting, not real life. It also led to a conversation about abuse of women, sex trafficking etc.

Some people will probably disagree, but I’d work on him being comfortable to discuss this type of thing with you

I'm surprised by some of the responses to it not being a big deal

The child is 9

Watching porn on his own computer in his room when he should be asleep

I do think you need to talk to him. He is curious, has probably heard stuff from other boys and is likely to keep indulging his curiosity unless you intervene.

He is too young to understand properly but he could see things that are damaging, as well as the danger of getting addicted to the internet and not getting enough sleep.

Computer needs to be out of the room and only used when supervised, no matter how many controls and blocks are on it. Kids are adept at getting round these. And much less time at the computer.

He'll probably not be happy about this but too bad. He's a child and you are the parent.

Don't come up with an elaborate back story.
Be truthful. His searches have triggered a porn suppliers response to your phone.
Explain why he needs to balance his curiosity about sex (without making him feel ashamed - it's quite normal) with letting him risk looking at age inappropriate stuff on the internet.
This is your job - it's not just about locking down the tech, because he'll find a way, maybe not on this computer and maybe not for a little while - but understanding that curiosity is entirely fine but it's a very adult content he's looking for and that can be harmful/upsetting for a whole host of reasons.

Absolutely no way should he have had an internet enabled device in his bedroom.

move it to common parts of house

and definitely talk to him about porn and why it is danferous and I appropriate for him to be looking at it. Don’t expect a 9 year old boy to car much about the impact on women

This is a strange set up.

My son is 10 in a couple months, absolutely no technology upstairs at all. His laptop is only used in communal living areas of the family home. The content is modifiable using family link app as it’s a Chromebook so I have my eye on it and various content is blocked.

he goes to bed at. 8, then reads for about an hour.

no technology has ever been upstairs.

I’ll think of this thread next time the mums of 9-10 year old boys comment that they should still be allowed into women’s changing rooms…

First you dont give him a computer at all ! He never needed one and he definitely didnt need it in his bedroom.
He does not need a phone.
He does not need YouTube or social media.
You the adult needs to start being a parent and stop him being to exposed to things way beyond his years.
You also need to have open and frank conversations with him about what he has searched. Explain why its inappropriate and talk to him .
Pretending and ignoring the fact he has already watched porn does not change the fact he has.
You will be posting here in 5 years time wondering why you have no control over his poor behaviour or why he treats girls like crap if you dont start parenting him now.

Home Broadband Parental Controls (UK Providers)
If you’ve got kids using tablets, smart TVs, or gaming consoles, it's worth checking what your broadband provider offers – these control content across your Wi-Fi, so they cover all devices without needing loads of extra apps.
BT – BT Parental Controls: lets you set filters by age range (light/moderate/strict), time scheduling, etc.
Sky – Sky Broadband Shield: you can filter content and set bedtime blocks.
Virgin Media – Web Safe: lets you block adult content and malicious websites.
TalkTalk – HomeSafe: does virus blocking + content filtering by category.
Usually easy to set up via your online account – takes 5 minutes.

Apps for Phones, Tablets, and Laptops
For more detailed controls like app blocking, screen time limits, and activity tracking, here are the most talked-about apps (some free, some paid):
AppFree version?What it does
Google Family Link
Yes
Great for Android – lets you block apps, set daily limits, bedtime, approve app downloads
Apple Screen Time
Built in
Good if you’re an all-Apple household. Restrict content, limit screen time, monitor usage
Qustodio
Limited free
Tracks web activity, blocks websites, can monitor YouTube use. Works across devices
Net Nanny
Paid only
One of the most comprehensive – real-time monitoring, even alerts for inappropriate content
Bark
Paid
AI scans for issues in messages, YouTube, social media. Less about blocking, more about alerts
Norton Family
Free trial
Similar to Qustodio – good website and time management, especially on Windows devices

YouTube & Smart TV Tips
If YouTube is a problem (and let’s be honest, it often is), these might help:
YouTube Kids app – More controlled version of YouTube for under 13s.
Restricted Mode on regular YouTube – hides adult content (not perfect, but helps).
Most Smart TVs let you PIN-lock certain apps like YouTube or install child profiles.

Honestly, no parental control is a magic bullet – the tech helps, but talking to your child regularly about what they’re watching and why the limits are there makes the biggest difference in the long run. It's helpful to explain to kids why these tools are in place — it's about safety, not spying.

Totally agree with this — such a balanced and realistic take.
The PC itself isn’t the issue — it’s the unrestricted internet access that opens the floodgates. Taking away the whole computer risks losing out on so many amazing opportunities for learning and creativity. My son started exploring coding through Scratch and Python when he was about 9, and now he's the one fixing my tech. There’s so much value in kids using computers in a safe and structured way.
Disabling internet access unless supervised is a really smart move. And if you’re not super techy (which most of us aren't), asking a relative or friend to help set it up properly with admin passwords and restrictions makes a world of difference. A determined kid can figure out how to reconnect Wi-Fi if it’s just a basic “disconnect” job!
Also worth adding: you can pre-download loads of brilliant offline resources:
Tux Typing or BBC Dance Mat Typing for keyboard skills
Kodu and Scratch for beginner-friendly coding
Tux Paint or Paint.NET for digital drawing
Maths and logic puzzle games like Zoombinis (a throwback, but still fab!)
So yes — keep the PC, keep the learning going, just lock the digital doors a bit tighter until they’re ready for more responsibility.

This. I think it’s better to have open conversations about it than ban it without talking about it. If he wants to access it he’ll do it another way. Much better to have conversations about how porn isn’t how sex is in relationships, and about respect for women and that most women don’t like sex the way it is portrayed in porn. Plus how things that feature heavily in porn like strangulation are dangerous and niche, not normal or “vanilla”. Along with the issues about the industry in general. And for discussions about consent and treating women with respect etc. Maybe not all at once (!!) and needs to be age appropriate but if he’s been looking at porn then the time has come for frank discussions about these issues. The discussions should be discussions and not lectures - answer questions without judgement, and ask him questions to make him think about questionable views. He needs to feel he can come to you with questions and that you’ll listen and give him a balanced and considered viewpoint, otherwise he’ll just bed watching porn and hearing his mates views, or worse, those of Andrew Tate and his ilk.

You’ve let a 9 year old have unsupervised access to the internet?? You’re either hopelessly naive or insane - in either case a terrible parent.

I would tell him you looked at his computer and have a conversation about what he has been searching.
When he gers a phone you should be checking that.9 year olds do not get privacy on the Internet.

No, you’re not handling it well at all.

tell your son what you saw, speak to him calmly about it and guide him better. You can’t just pretend you didn’t see it.

my son googled “what is a sugar daddy” this week. First time I’ve ever seen anything remotely suspicious in the iPad. The search after that was “what is a sugar daddy sweet”. I spoke to him about it, he said his friend told him to google it and he thought it was a sweet. I then told him if this happens again and he finds something he thinks he shouldn’t have seen/understood then to talk to me and I can explain it better.

I think he needs to know that you can see exactly what he's been searching.

I’m assuming you’re a woman? It can be more difficult to start that open conversation about sex with a child of opposite sex, but you really need to as his parent. Not shaming, or (in my view) punishing, but recognising that he is searching for stuff that he needs context for.

You must speak to him openly and not brush this under the carpet. This is very young to be looking at this kind of image. Has he heard something or been with older boys that are encouraging this behaviour? I think you need to speak to him about respecting girls and women.
The laptop needs to be taken away and he needs to be told he can have it back when he actually needs it and he will now have to use it in a family space and not his bedroom.

All kids do this.It's just in the digital age.They have much easier access to it.

I can remember looking at anatomy books as a young child in libraries and giggling and laughing with friends. Looking at the diagrams of bums and Willie's. It's hilarious to a child for some reason.

Just take the computer out of his bedroom, put it in the lounge and don't allow him to use it unless you can see the screen.

I think you can say the hacking thing is why you checked the computer in the first place but I wouldn’t just leave the sexual content related conversation. I would say what you found and be prepared for him to be horribly embarrassed. Try to keep it as non judgemental as possible and just take a moment to make some key points. This should be a little and often conversation throughout puberty rather than a singular birds and the bees moment.

I think young boys need to grow up knowing right from the start that whilst it is normal to feel attracted towards women and want to see these things, porn is not real life, it is often aggressive and can be addictive. So it is something to be wary of. I think it’s also important to say that he will quickly come across things that are harmful or illegal so you have tried to made sure that that is not possible. Still, if he does see anything that makes him worried or uncomfortable or if someone shows him material that makes him feel that way, you are always there to listen.

Porn is now so freely accessible in its most awful extreme forms and it is horribly easy for kids to find extremely inappropriate videos. I think it’s much better to be realistic about this and tell them from day one that what they are seeing is like watching a marvel movie - it’s not at all real - and it can be really harmful so they need to approach it with caution. I think later on, the industry itself can be a discussion point and how it might impact his relationship with women. But for now, I would just stick to the key facts: not real, aggressive, and potentially addictive. He’ll hate every second of it but you’re his parent, not his friend and this stuff can easily spiral out of control.

when my middle son was 10/11 (year 6) I found he had been onto pornhub on his iPad. I always checked the kids iPads regularly and randomly, had passwords etc and had never seen any evidence before of him looking at anything even remotely like this. I then realised he’d had a friend round that afternoon. So I went to chat to my son about what they’d been up to. I can’t remember how it came about, but he did reveal his friend had been playing on his iPad whilst he was playing Minecraft. I told him I had found that one of them had been into a porn website and asked him about it. We had a really good chat about how it wasn’t appropriate and it’s not a good way to think about treating women. He did admit they were both looking together and apologised.

I messaged his friends mum to tell her and apologise that it had happened (I thought I had all the necessary parental controls) - she was furious and told me my son could never see her son again, etc. I felt sad for my son as he didn’t have many friends due to his ADHD/ASD and this lad was quite popular. He also lived a few houses away. They were never friends again. Years later now and his ex friend went completely off the rails a couple of years later and is an awful 17 year old now with no respect for anyone. My son never again had anything like that on his devices and has come through the teenage years relatively unscathed and a pretty decent human being. I suspect that her not taking the opportunity to sit and talk to her son about it and instead deciding it was all my sons doing was the start of the wrong path and definitely a missed opportunity.

Long way of saying TALK to you son about it now. If he’s looking at it, you need to talk about it. You can do that without embarrassing him, but it is so important to talk to him.

No need to remove the computer, just disconnect it from the internet. The computer itself is a versatile and creative tool and can help him gain experience that will be useful into the future.

The one thing I heard over and over again from the experts when we were training was no unmonitored computer use. Computers are use in full sight of everyone, none in bedrooms because you dont know what they have been doing. And that was 20 years ago - the stuff people have access to now is so much more extreme and frightening.

Another vote for letting him keep the PC in his room. PCs, phones, tablets etc are a part of life now, no point pretending otherwise. Don't lie to him about why you're doing it - if he's tech savvy he'll know you're talking nonsense anyway.

To be fair if he's tech savvy he'll be able to figure out a way around parental controls before too long anyway 😅 Friends of ours had this issue, they ended up getting something that lets you block internet access to specific devices on your home network from a phone app, so they could turn their lad's PlayStation/phone/tablet off without disabling wifi for everyone in the house.

A kid of his age searching fairly innocuous stuff like that is no different to kids finding copies of jazz mags in the bushes 30 years ago. Talk to him about it, but in a way that isn't embarrassing for either of you. Is there an adult male in his life to have 'the talk'? That might be a bit easier.

I agree don’t embarrass him but I do think it’s worth the opportunity to talk to him about it all. What you do here will shape his opinion of sex/ women in general and how they can be portrayed online