Worried about browsing history of my son (9).

[detectivemama]

A couple of years ago, a relative kindly gave me an old computer they no longer needed for my son to have in his bedroom.. The idea being it would be helpful for schoolwork, homework and educational things like maths games etc. I agreed on the condition that all the necessary parental controls are in place (to stop son accessing anything inappropriate).
Anyway, all has been ok till this week.
On Friday (totally out of the blue and unsolicited), I had an email from a porn website, thanking me for signing up. Totally wasn't me. Nor do I look at/search for porn. There's only son and I in the house.
I mentioned this email to my partner (who lives elsewhere) and he said it's likely been triggered by something in the viewing/search history. Nothing of that sort on my phone or laptop, so he advised me to check son's search/browse history as it would all be connected and linked to the home broadband. I'm not very knowledgeable about stuff like this tbh, but partner explained how it all works.
Anyway, son is away this weekend so I've taken the chance to look at his history.
Turns out he's been searching thinks like "boobies", "bums" (not too alarming for a curious 9 year old who is learning about puberty at school)... But then he's been searching for other things like "sexy girls photos", "sex" "girl undressing". Then there are some youtube videos in his history about sex-related things, also about intimate hair removal/waxing on girls.
A relative has just taken son's computer away to install tighter settings and will bring it back when done. Also blocked youtube on our smart TV in the living room. No TV in son's room (thankfully).
I don't want to embarass son by saying I know what he's been searching, so I'm planning to say we've been hacked and my bank accounts have been compromised by some dodgy youtube links being clicked on in our house. Keep it general, so not pointing the finger at him.
Planning to say bank fraud team advised me to block youtube to prevent any further hacks affecting us.
Am I handling this well? Any other parents of similar-aged children had this experience?

I should add the times/dates in the history all match after son's bedtime. When we're totally alone in the house. So no question of it being anyone else.

I like that you're trying to handle it without embarrassing him. I don't think a 9 year old needs a computer in their bedroom though - they're not pulling all nighters writing theses yet. And you've seen that he uses it after his bedtime, which is not on.

You need to speak him openly about this, not brush it under the carpet. Talk to him in an age-appropriate way without making him feel embarrassed and leading to him hiding what he's doing from you. His searches, though innocent now, could lead to him going down a path of porn and misogyny you don't want for him.

Remove it from his room. And 9 isn’t too young to be having a chat about sex and relationships.

And switch off the broadband at a set time. You can use data on your phone, etc.

I have a 10 year old son and he absolutely does not have access to the internet in his bedroom

He has a TV and PS4 in his room all apps on TV removed

If he wants to play online games like Roblox he's in the lounge on family pc

We've bought books about puberty etc and have open conversations

I don't think he even knows what porn is but if he was curious we'd have very frank conversations

You need to talk to your son about what's he's searching is not ok, especially for his age. If he's old enough to search for it he's old enough to talk about it

It's not ok

Yes. That computer needs removing from his bedroom. Good plan. He will probably get a scare that you might have caught him out. Make sure he’s not able to access social media. No 9 year old should have access to anything in my opinion.

Why does he have access to the internet past his bedtime?

Take the pc out !

You have to talk to him with full open ness. No hints or nudge nudge.

Do not sweep this under the carpet.

I'm having issues with phones and what has been seen with these kids who all have them. The continual sweeping away of this is not ok.

If he believes you will not judge, not shame him, he will listen.

He needs to understand the damage it does to developing brains. That's the only reason for your concern you tell him. He's allowed to be curious but this is damaging so he needs greater parental oversight. Tell him the truth.

Talk to him about porn and how damaging it is for women - and real relationships. I’ve heard the way 9 year old boys speak, guarantee he’s heard a lot worse from his friends.

I’m glad you’re putting stronger controls and would suggest moving the computer into a common area in the house so he can’t use it alone and past his bedtime.

I don’t think 9 is too young too talk to him about this. It’s good you don’t want to embarrass him but I think a gentle chat into his search history would be a good idea. Explain you’ve seen the search’s and remind hikers that general curiosity is natural and okay, he’s not in trouble but talk about the dangers of porn etc.

I wouldn’t worry too much about this. I found the same on my sons phone age about 11 and I did decide to
talk to him about it as I suppose I felt our relationship was open enough for him not want to die in a hole if I talked about it 😂😂 I just said it’s ok and normal to be curious, but keep in mind that porn isn’t really how proper sex works in a loving relationship , it’s all just acting. I didn’t want him to think that being curious was dirty either so kind of took the middle ground with it. He’s now an extremely caring loving 19 year old . We still talk about all sorts of things and I’m glad he feels he can ask me about potentially difficult situations . Personally I wouldn’t make a big deal of it ( which you aren’t but getting the computer looked at ) but maybe have some awkward conversation with him here and there. I understand it’s really difficult tho OP but try to normalise sex not porn if that makes sense. Kids will always find access to this shit online unfortunately but doesn’t mean they will turn into massive deviants so try not to worry too much

👀 I suggest that you really need to get better acquainted with technology, perhaps a course? It was very naive to put a computer with internet access in a childs bedroom in the first place.

Definitely this.

My teen has seen a hardcore porn gif - popped up on some SM app of a friend. The kids all showed each other in the group.

I don't believe these are deviant kids, I don't even blame the kid who has it.

Because parents are so bloody naive to what's going on I'm raging inside if I think too much on it.

Even the bloody school gets phones out for some classes!! Then expects them to be locked away.

This world is going to hell in a bloody basket if people don't get wise to this.

This is not your fault OP. Society is pushing towards normalizing this fucked upness. Get tough, tell him the truth. Cut off access for many years to come without supervision at least.

Dear OP, I do think you have been very naive in allowing a 7 year old to have unsupervised access to the Internet. Was this the first time you had checked his browsing history? You need to:

• move the computer to a common room.
• be MUCH more involved in what your son is doing on the computer
• talk to your son about this in a kind and age appropriate way.
• educate yourself on the risks and benefits of access to the internet for children.

The NSPCC have some really good advice:
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/?gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20616872064&gclid=Cj0KCQjwyIPDBhDBARIsAHJyyVhCN5ag6bY2sKnJnoQuqOoFfmJfY7MXQIPj31xSgvjElcTRbo2A2agaApkwEALw_wcB

Put Microsoft family safety on it. You set it up with your details and make yourself Adminand lock down non specified websites. His user profile, which if passworded should not be able to be changed by him, is a child setting.
At that age, he’ll only need what primary school sets do he should not be requesting other sites.

I don’t think he should be getting the computer back.

There's no need to shame him or anything like that. It sounds pretty normal for a kid to look for things like that once they start heading towards puberty.
I guess you have to just make sure he can't access anything really inappropriate or pornographic. Is there a male friend or family member who he trusts who could maybe talk to him about consent and porn in an non judgemental way?

I agree. We were in hysterics over porn mags I unfortunately was presented with by friends when young. It made me sick at the same time as I was young 😬. Curiosity is natural.

The internet is the problem by means of access to all sorts of horrible stuff unfortunately.

I remember finding ripped up porno mags in the street. Like you'd look down and realise it was a vulva. Or a knob. On a shred of paper...like a bizarre join the dots puzzle...oh the joys of the 80s.

I don't think hes done anything wrong. Its just curiosity and he hasnt looked for anything outrageous.

I think you need to block adult sites from your internet at source.

We have it so no 18+ sites get through, and i also made sure their phones were contract rather than payg, because then i have access to their phone settings and could block porn via their data too.

Im sure they could access it if they were determined enough , but tbh, i think that all we can do is make it as difficult as possible so they arent stumbling across hardcore stuff or accidentally going down weird internet rabbitholes.
Also keep communicating with them

😆 yes to this experience.

Going to go against the grain and say - keep the PC.

Learning games, coding games, basic typing, art, maths software etc. all really good learning skills for kids.

But all don't need internet.

Unplug the internet or disable the wifi (get your relative to do this propperly. Just disconnecting won't work, east for a kid to figure out how to turn it back on)

Only reconnect to internet when there is a specific need - like to download a new game/software, or if he needs if for a specific price of homework, which you can supervise him doing.

A non-internet computer is a very good and safe learning tool for kids.

I would be telling him what you have seen, its all good not wanting to embarrass him but I'd be telling him why he's not having a computer in his room