My son is addicted to online gaming – I really need some advice.

[LittleSteps12]

Hi everyone, I’m really hoping to get some advice or hear from parents who’ve been in a similar situation.
My son is 12 years old and has recently become completely hooked on online games, especially those multiplayer ones where he can chat with his friends. It started as a bit of after-school fun, but now it’s taking over his life.
He’s spending hours every evening on his console and weekends are even worse. When I try to set time limits, he gets angry, sometimes even slamming doors or shouting. I’ve tried to encourage other activities – we’ve offered family board games, bike rides, even going out for his favourite food – but nothing seems to interest him anymore. He just wants to play.
I’m really worried this is affecting his mood, his schoolwork, and his sleep. He stays up much later than we allow if we’re not watching him closely. We’ve had a few heart-to-heart talks, and he says he knows he’s playing too much but ‘it’s the only thing that makes him happy’.
I don’t want to go down the punishment route but I also can’t just let this continue.
I’m completely stuck between wanting to be understanding and needing to protect him from this obsession.
If anyone has been through this or has practical advice – how to balance screen time, how to reconnect with your child, how to help them step back from gaming – I would really appreciate hearing your experience.
Thank you so much for reading.

Why are you letting him spend hours every evening gaming? You need to put time limits in place for him.

Hi op, I'm only half awake. I know there's a national gaming addiction center on the nhs. I don't know what their referral criteria is. From the sounds of it, this is you diagnosing an addiction as opposed to a formal diagnosis?
Go easy with what ever you do. There could be violence if you suddenly cut off the wifi or remove phones

Hi I’m sorry to hear about that, my son is also 12 and he’s limited to 2 hours a day on his nintendo switch, although he usually only plays for an hour or so. I think online games are more prevelant on xbox and playstation and sre more likely to be addictive as they are designed to be. Could you maybe start introducing activities for you and him to do that involve being away from an opportunity for him to game? Eg a walk after school? Is he into any sports at all?

Let him know he has a set time each day on his console. After that, he has to find other stuff to do like seeing his friends in person.

I hate this side of technology. I really do. It's the instant gratification they get from these games.

Encourage him to play sport weekly. Two of my older DC do a sport weekly, the other two do another sport weekly as well.

You’re in charge. Set the time limits and stick to them. He needs to know it’s not ok to shout, slam doors and get angry when he can’t have his own way. Every time he reacts that way, reduce the amount of time he can spend online.
In addition, he needs to have a couple of days completely free from online gaming.

He’s 12.
You learn how to use the parental control settings on all his devices, and on the WiFi router, and, if necessary, on his phone contract settings to turn off data.

You agree a set time for gaming. And then it goes off.

And then yes, he will be cross, and if he’s rude or violent you punish that: remove devices completely, losing any remaining gaming time for the rest of the week, etc etc. The phrase “Why would I reward this behaviour with more gaming? I don’t want to encourage this” works well.

And then you let him be bored. At 12 it’s not too late to learn how to entertain one’s self, with books, friends, other hobbies, etc.

You are the parent. You shouldn’t ever have let it get to this point. Now you all have to do it the hard way, and you must.

Be strong, OP.

And read Jonathan Haidt’s The Anxious Generation.

He;s only 12. Get rid of it completely for a few months to allow him to find his way out of it and live without it and then you can start again with strict limits. Take all the equipment out of the house so he can't find it.

Sit down with him and explain that going forwards there will be restrictions. Set times that he can game and tell him that you will pop in and give him a warning when there’s 10 minutes to go so he can ‘wrap up’ any games with friends.

Can you unplug his console and move it to another room so he can’t sneak on it at bedtime?
Make it clear that any poor behaviour around these new rules will mean he loses 10 minutes playing time.

The effect on children’s brain development of gaming is truly scary. I know a 25 year old who has never worked, sleeps all day and games all night. His attitude to his family is appalling and his mum is now powerless. All because he was allowed to game none stop.

You need to put limits on that is it really. Then you need to get him doing other activities like a sport, cadets, drama club so at least 2 evenings a week he is busy. At that age we had no devices in rooms but if he does then it needs turning off or taking out. Make sure you know what he is playing and with whom.

Take it away and deal with the fall out. It’s better to do this now rather than have an older teen who is completely disengaged with the real world.

Hopefully once he has calmed down you can reintroduce it in a sensible way.

Remove it. Yes he will be a bit isolated in the short term but the effects of this are way less than a dangerous addiction.

This was also my DS. I don't think just pulling the plug or saying No really work (or at least not for us), but I had better success explaining we couldn't allow him to spend all his time gaming, and wanting to do so wasn't his fault, it was the game producers and the clever psychology they use to keep the players hooked.

Can you try to come to a compromise? eg You can game between these hours nag-free, as long as homework is finished, chores done, you do a sport/activity. Also not age inappropriate stuff and not shouting. Must be turned off when we say, but as much as possible we will try to give you 20 mins notice so you can finish up.
That set up mostly worked ok for us.
I'd strongly suggest not to buy a gaming PC, or let the console be in the bedroom - it is so much harder to control!

I think if they have a balance, they do eventually see friends who become more reclusive or grades slip.
Interestingly one of DS's friends was pretty much allowed to game as much as he wanted, and by the time he reached 16 he completely snapped out of it and took up sport instead.

…if we’re not watching him closely.
Then watch him closely.

All the other activities you suggested as alternatives were family things. They wont replace his interactions with friends.

Get him into a hobby / activity with friends. Ask him what interests him and take him.
Enrol him at scouts or cadets too.
Arrange some counselling for him.
Really objectively look at how often as a family screens are present and the focus.

There is a complete difference between spending a lot of time doing something you enjoy which is a hobby and an addiction. If it is stopping him spending time doing and enjoying other things then it is an addiction and you need to stop him from doing it at all unless he can do it in a controlled way. Turn the WiFi off.

Op the people who say just take it away have never been faced with kids who lose it over screens. My kids were ridiculous, every time I stepped away from them they were back on. They snuck back screens at night time, hid them and then would take them in the car when I wasn’t looking etc. one of my teens had sore looking red eyes and black circles. The board game, walks etc was what we did. Remember how you had them with you as toddlers? That’s what we reverted to- can you help me with x? Will we do some baking etc. board games, trips to relatives, cinema, bowling, beach They were told you do this you get nagging free time this evening with screens. It was exhausting and is still as now they’re getting back to it. One thing is I don’t know if you know the YouTube clips of the people who broke screens etc when fortieth changed over and they thought it was gone? I showed them those clips. They laughed about how they looked like lunatics and then weeks later I said ‘you’re acting like that kid’.

I told them nothing in this world should be don’t to such an extent that you forget about all the other stuff. Got them doing chores for money etc. not much help but hope something sticks and it gets easier, it’s sad he thinks it’s the only thing that can make him happy. Hugs x

Show him and read yourself about the Breck Bednar story. Something similar could be happening to him. It’s worth checking his device when he’s at school (as presumably at 14 you already do) and looking through his messages. Someone like Lewis daynes could be in touch with him, grooming him (not in the traditional sense) to make him more isolated. All seemed innocent at first but poor breck ended up getting killed in the end. This started with a similar gaming addiction to your son’s.

a lot of these games have chat rooms with people around the world and you can talk to absolutely anyone as a child. It’s scary.

12*

This is perfectly normal for kids of this age, times have changed kids do not go out and 'play' any more this is how this 'covid' generation hang out. I don't know anyone with a teen in real life who doesn't have the exact same issue. It basically the only topic among parents now a days of 'does your sit talking on the playstation/computer all day too? at there age I was going out with my friends but they NEVER leave their room'.

And with all due respect even when I was that age 30 years ago (pre-social media etc...) the last thing I would want was board games and bike rides with my parents, hes no long a little kid he is entering adolescence.

I spent my time hiding in my room listening to music and watching films on VHS (I barely spoke to anyone for a whole year between 12-13 because I wanted to be alone 99% of the time as I was finding 'me'). Its a key change point in a persons life and they have to navigate it themselves.

My teen is now 16 and I just view it as at least this generation of kids is safe at home not out drinking in parks and wandering the streets with any random they met that day etc... time change and we just have to move with it.

Hi, I wanted to give my perspective as a woman who was a very heavy gamer when I was his age. Obviously it was a bit different in the late 90/00s when playing online was only just beginning. But I remember the joy I felt at spending hours completely immersed in a game, especially when I was finding things hard at school. My older brother and I would play together too and it was a really important way of bonding. But it can be highly addictive and I still struggle with the all-or-nothing nature of it. I found managing my own gaming at University really hard.

What I'd recommend is having designated gaming days, rather than letting him have limited gaming time through the week. That's what my parents did with me, and what I try to put in place with my 7 year old. The issue is that once you get started playing, time goes SO fast and it feels really hard to stop when, from the gamer's perspective, almost no time has passed at all. Instead, could you say that e.g. there's no gaming during the week, but every Sunday afternoon he can play as long as he likes?

One year when I was about 14 my mum told me I could have ten computer days during the summer holidays. I could use them whenever I wanted, but that was the limit. I mapped them out on the calendar and looked forward to them so much - I'd get everything ready the night before, plan my snacks, wake up early to make the most of it, and then fully immerse myself in it. It was joyous. And the rest of the time, I could forget about it because I knew I had these days booked in. If he's playing online with friends, could they coordinate and make sure they were all available on that day, so it's something social to look forward to?

I think most parents with older sons will assure you yes it can feel as though they are addicted to games at that age, but they do move on to doing other healthier stuff as they move through their teens.
Teenage boys really can't win, they are viewed as a nuisance by the general public if they venture outside, my sons were moaned at for playing football on an area of land meant for kids to play on, the oldies just wanted it so the grass kept nice. They were moaned at for cycling, anything fun basically. Not all young lads want to play sport or join groups.
The same general public expect these young lads to immediately sign up and defend their country in the event of a war, yet God forbid they should play a warfare video game.
Yes we all know sitting in front of a green for hours on end is not healthy, it's still better than sitting around in groups smoking and sniffing glue which was what a lot of young males were up to when l was growing up

Screen, not green.

Block access through your router if possible. I’m with Sky and can set downtime for blocked sites and apps through broadband shield.

As a former gamer myself, if he's using it to chat with friends and so on, I'd personally hope that, at some point, he would naturally lose interest on his own.

Yes, some of us did and do have those children. But they were very little and we could see that if we just gave free rein they would not be able to stick to healthy habits, and we could see that these games & social media platforms have been designed with insights from gambling data to keep people engaged.

And so we ensured that the devices just stop. We don’t have to hide them away, because they are all password protected. All of them. And we built conditions in from when the children were young: homework done on the day it’s set, video games only at the weekend and only for short time periods.

No, they didn’t like it, and yes we had “meltdowns”, which are hard, but necessary and a stepping stone to a peaceful arrangement. You have to persist through it or they learn that if they act out enough you’ll give in. Which means you’re effectively encouraging and rewarding that behaviour.

Yes it’s hard. But you have to do hard things.