My son is addicted to online gaming – I really need some advice.

[LittleSteps12]

Hi everyone, I’m really hoping to get some advice or hear from parents who’ve been in a similar situation.
My son is 12 years old and has recently become completely hooked on online games, especially those multiplayer ones where he can chat with his friends. It started as a bit of after-school fun, but now it’s taking over his life.
He’s spending hours every evening on his console and weekends are even worse. When I try to set time limits, he gets angry, sometimes even slamming doors or shouting. I’ve tried to encourage other activities – we’ve offered family board games, bike rides, even going out for his favourite food – but nothing seems to interest him anymore. He just wants to play.
I’m really worried this is affecting his mood, his schoolwork, and his sleep. He stays up much later than we allow if we’re not watching him closely. We’ve had a few heart-to-heart talks, and he says he knows he’s playing too much but ‘it’s the only thing that makes him happy’.
I don’t want to go down the punishment route but I also can’t just let this continue.
I’m completely stuck between wanting to be understanding and needing to protect him from this obsession.
If anyone has been through this or has practical advice – how to balance screen time, how to reconnect with your child, how to help them step back from gaming – I would really appreciate hearing your experience.
Thank you so much for reading.

you need to hone your parenting skills by establishing rules and control

if you are not good with technology (you have after all posted this in the DIY section!) then find out what parental control functions are available from your router / BB contractor.

Whilst it is true that game fads come and go and he may lose interest in that game, but there is nothing stopping him and his friends moving over to the next fad.

Dh set up Microsoft family safety for ours, so DC have a set amount of time they can be online. They do moan about it, but they'd be on till midnight if we didn't set limits.

This is really useful advice - thanks for this. Makes so much sense. It kind of send a message that a gaming day is like a holiday- something fun but not something that you need to do every day like brushing your teeth! An optional extra to life with good long breaks in between.

If my son behaved like that, I'd sell the damn thing. Would not have that kind of behaviour from him.

We had one very calm conversation about him snapping at me when I called him for dinner and I told him that I would be more than happy to sell or bin the console and that was what would happen if he EVER spoke to me like that again.

One game in particular was problematic and I did just take it and binned it in front of him as he was getting aggravated at being told to come off it.

He was furious but I never make an empty threat so he knew the whole thing would go if he kicked off and he's been much more reasonable about it since.

If he was genuinely addicted, the whole lot would be gone. Absolutely wouldn't have it and slamming doors would result in the loss of that too. (Not permanently, just to make the point that I can and will take away anything that is being misused)

You have to be the parent here. You are letting him spend hours on it every evening. Set him a time limit every day and he does not exceed it. Give him a ten minute warning for a few days so he gets used to it.

Turn off the wifi to the gadget off at a set time every night so he can't game overnight. If you can't do that on your router, then get a new router, or remove the gadget from his room every evening.

If he shows aggression when playing or when you try and stop him playing, then remove the gaming equipment immediately.

You really do have to be tough here and be the parent, for his own benefit. If he can't regulate himself, then you have to do it for him.

There are men now in their 20's who will game all night and sleep all day, they can't hold down a job or a relationship. Don't let your son become one of those.

HedgeWitchOfTheWest

An honest question (an actual one, I’m not meaning anything), but how old are/ were they? Because all of this only started for us in the teenage years/ tween years, before this they played the x box the odd time and that was it. They found ways to get into the screen time app and change it, one of my sons took himself off it and put the app into his phone with a password he had! No meltdowns in the mn sense, just simple them changing things and getting back on. They’re nice good teens just this had/ is beginning to again take hold, hence they’re now out weeding for the day to take their minds off (bowling during the week as payment!)

Is it properly an addiction or does he just really like gaming? My child really only games with others so it's very much a social activity where he's hanging out with friends. It sounds like your son is also using it socially. I would leave the gaming out of it and just focus on your expectations of him as a parent.

We expect our kids to muck in a bit round the house with limited moans. We expect them to tidy their rooms. We expect them to do their homework. We expect them to talk to us respectfully, no shouting or slamming doors. We expect them to sit at the dining table with everyone for dinner, most days of the week. We expect them to go to bed at a reasonable time. If they don't manage these things then they're in trouble. It could be they lose their console as a consequence, or their mobile.

Personally I would focus on your expectations of him rather than blaming the gaming. You need to have a proper chat about expectations of him when it's all calm. Be clear about consequences for not meeting expectations.

People are overly judgmental instead of being genuinely helpful, as usual!

OP
You’re not alone – truly. This is such a familiar scenario in modern parenting, especially around your son’s age, and it sounds like you're doing a brilliant job of noticing the signs before things spiral further. That’s huge. I really feel for you – this tug-of-war between connection and boundaries can be exhausting, especially when it feels like you're losing your child to a glowing screen.
I’ve been through something very similar with my son around that age, and I’ll share what helped – though I completely appreciate every child is different.
First: The Good Side of Gaming (Yes, it exists!)
Let’s not throw the entire Xbox out the window just yet! 😉
Online games – particularly multiplayer ones – are very socially rewarding for this age group. They’re a virtual playground, really. Many kids use them to stay connected with friends, learn teamwork, even develop real skills like strategy and quick decision-making.
When my son told me “it’s the only thing that makes me happy,” I realised that it wasn’t about the screen, but about control, connection, and comfort. Games offer a sense of achievement, social belonging, and escape – especially when school or real life feels overwhelming or boring. It’s not just fun, it’s sometimes a lifeline.
So don’t feel guilty for allowing gaming in moderation. The goal isn’t no gaming, but balanced gaming – where it becomes a hobby, not a compulsion.
What Helped Us:
Here’s what actually helped shift things in our home, bit by bit:
Create a Routine with Him, Not for Him
Instead of setting screen time rules to him, we made a weekly plan with him. Let him help decide when and how much gaming happens — for example:
1.5 hours on school nights after homework
2–3 hours max on weekends
A longer session if he does a non-screen activity first (bike ride, chores, etc.)
We called it a "Game Plan" (yes, pun totally intended 😄). Because he had a say, he felt more in control and less defiant.
Curiosity Over Control
I sat down and genuinely asked, “Can you show me what you like about this game?” We played a few rounds together. I was absolutely terrible, but the connection that sparked was priceless.
Once he felt like I wasn’t the “enemy of fun,” he was more open to limits. It turned into “Hey Mum, I’ll do my chores now so I can play later,” rather than constant battles.
Introduce Other “Dopamine Activities”
Gaming is exciting, so “let’s play Scrabble” often falls flat. 😅
We looked for things with instant feedback or novelty:
Rock climbing trial sessions
Cooking something unusual (ramen with fancy toppings!)
Escape room nights
Audio drama podcasts we listened to together
You’re competing with a dopamine powerhouse — so activities need to be a bit more “wow” at first, before they become routine again.
Sleep First, Screen Second
One big change: we took the console out of the bedroom at night. We set a “screens in the kitchen to charge overnight” rule for everyone. It was met with grumbles at first, but his sleep improved massively and his moods followed.
A Final Thought
You clearly have a loving relationship – the fact that he can admit he knows he’s playing too much shows trust. Don’t underestimate the value of those heart-to-hearts. Keep showing him you're on his side, not trying to take away his joy – just helping him find a healthier balance.
And if it ever feels like this is tied to deeper mental health struggles (depression, anxiety, school avoidance), don’t hesitate to chat with the GP or school pastoral care. Sometimes the game is just the symptom, not the cause.
You’ve got this, Mum. And he’s lucky to have someone who cares this deeply. It’s not easy, but things do improve – especially when approached with love and structure.

Could he be neuro diverse? I have direct experience of this and the consultant psychiatrist said not to remove him from gaming as this was his safe space. Still gaming but it has moderated with age. May be try your GP.

These things are dire, I just wouldn’t allow them. And lads then wonder when they’re older why they can’t get a girlfriend. Get rid of it OP and get him joined to a sports club playing exercise and socialising face to face. Why is it always lads who fall into this trap - ok 99% then.

Blimey, that feels a bit harsh.
Look, I completely get the concern—lots of us worry about screen time and the way games seem to take over our kids’ lives. But I think we need to be careful not to go full doom-and-gloom or start linking gaming to future romantic failures (!). That’s quite a leap.
That feels a bit unfair. Gaming isn’t some moral failing—it’s how lots of kids socialise these days. Cutting it off completely won’t magically turn him into a rugby-playing extrovert. The key’s balance, not banning.
Saying gaming is inherently bad really misses the point—it’s not the enemy, excess is. It’s like anything kids enjoy: it just needs balance and boundaries, not outright bans or shame. Gaming can be social, creative, and fun—our job is helping them use it in a healthy way.

This is mean! Loads of the guys I’ve dated have been into gaming since they were younger.

Honest to God - replace gaming with ‘playing with sharp knives / broken glass’ then how would you deal
with it? Just take it away!!! Strict screen limits where the tech cuts off so it’s not you controlling it. If he sneaks extra time, there’s zero time the next day. Why is he staying up late?? Get the console out of his room can it go in a family area? Definitely look at the controls and get it to switch off at 8pm

He’s 12. You are the parent; why don’t you feel like you can control this??

We found my son was up.late chatting to gaming friends. We changed the router settings to switch wifi off at 8 and 10 at weekends. He was a bit older.

He didn't play immediately after school most days as he had groups he went to 3 times a week. Can do that too.

You have to take charge. You are the adult.

Honestly, some of the replies on here are wild.
I swear, any thread about gaming turns into full-on moral panic. The way some posters compare it to “broken glass” or act like letting a 12-year-old play Minecraft is the first step towards life in a basement with no job or girlfriend... it’s just bonkers.
Let’s get a grip. Gaming isn’t evil. It’s not a health hazard. It’s not some shadowy underworld dragging our children into darkness. It’s… a hobby. One that happens to be online. One that lots of kids genuinely enjoy. The vast majority of them grow up, go to uni, get jobs, have relationships—and yes, still play a bit of FIFA or Fortnite without society collapsing.
What is important is teaching them balance, boundaries, and respect for rules.
Yes, screens need limits. Yes, it’s on us as parents to step in when it’s affecting their mood, sleep, or schoolwork. That doesn’t mean banning everything or treating it like contraband—it means being consistent, fair, and involved.
And let’s be honest: half the time, the issue isn’t the console—it’s the fact that they’re 12, hormonal, and pushing boundaries like every generation before them.
By all means, move the console to a family area, set firm limits, get bedtime locked down. But let’s stop acting like gaming is some sinister trap only “lads” fall into. The fear-mongering isn’t helpful—it just makes parents feel panicked and powerless instead of supported and informed.
Let’s parent with sense, not sensationalism.

Evening all. This seems to have somehow ended up in the Property topic. We think maybe the OP meant to put it in Parenting so we'll move it there now.

OP - if there's somewhere different you'd like the thread, just give us a shout by hitting the report button and we can easily move it again.

Sadly I think a lot of women assume if a boy games they turn into a neckbeard living in a basement when it’s totally not the case

in OP’s boys case, I would be more concerned he was speaking to someone dodgy online he felt like he had to impress (as well as his friends) similar to breck bednar. A lot of these platforms you can talk to complete strangers and there often isn’t any way for parents to control it through the game. Especially with the boys mood getting worse.

i dunno if it’s considered bad parenting but as the mother I would want to look through the chat logs while he was at school w/o telling him just in case there’s anyone unfamiliar. I’m surprised his school friends he games with don’t have a gaming curfew which is why I suspect someone older or someone in a diff time zone

OP maybe watch this and see if any of it relates to your son or his mates

https://www.leics.police.uk/police-forces/leicestershire-police/areas/leicestershire-force-content/c/campaigns/2019/brecks-last-game/

They are 10 & 14 now, but we have been strict since they first started using video games. We had a vintage console, which they played with DH when they were quite little (5ish). We chose a Nintendo switch because of the parental settings - access can be password controlled, when the time runs out they get a 5 minute warning and then it just stops. In the beginning we were heavy on discouraging the tantrums, and they learned that huge outbursts would reduce game time, not be rewarded with more.

We stick to (mostly) a strict Friday-Sunday game days with short game durations. They don’t play online. (Though DS1 does now play occasionally midweek, as long as homework is done and he’s cleared up after himself and it’s still early enough to have screen free time before a sensible bed time. He’s also allowed to play online, occasionally, with one or two friends/his cousin. But this is all heavily restricted).

DH bought it for himself, it doesn’t belong to the children. Same with DS1’s phone - it’s not his phone, it’s my old one, on my contract, charged with our electricity, running on our WiFi. So our rules.

Before DS1 had a smart phone we discussed how damaging social media & unregulated screen use is. We were clear from the outset that we would be heavily restricting what he would be allowed to use. He could be cross with us, he could blame us, but while he was young it was our job to ensure he had a full range of experiences in real life.

We do get the occasional grumps, but find that if expectations are managed and boundaries are clear, negotiation in advance is reasonable, then they understand and we get minimal pushback.

We also find that they have learned to be creative, to deal with boredom, to lean into a more 90s childhood than some of their peers and will go out to play etc.

They haven’t yet worked out the passwords (I think). We do often discuss why we’re doing this, how we’ve seen more permissive situations ultimately harm children. How going outside is scary for parents but is much safer than being online. About how for many of these apps, their attention is the product being sold, and this makes those rich men richer.

We will probably have more pushback in the future, but we thought it probably best to start strict and gradually allow more, rather than pulling it back when they were older. Same for homework & routines.

I recommend reading Jonathan Haidt’s The Anxious Generation.

(And yes, I do use the screen time settings and Screen Zen to help manage my own phone use, I’ve had to use 2 of my 6 uses just writing this reply this evening! We are all subject to this kind of digital crack).

My DS was like that at that age. I noticed that he was angrier, argumentative and hostile after playing games. Like yours, time limits made him even more stressed out and angry, because all he could think about was the fact it would end. We tried weekend only but he would want to have long marathons to make up for not having it in the week, which wasn’t healthy either.

So I blocked all games indefinitely. To my surprise, world war 3 did not happen and apart from a couple of begging sessions, he accepted it. And to my shock, he was also much happier and calmer. He replaced the games by watching Netflix and listening to Spotify in his down time, neither of which affected him like the games did.

My son is neurodiverse however and I think the games hooked him more than for other kids. You know your son better than we do.

He is 19 now and I look back on that decision as having been the right one as his parent. He no longer plays games like he did at that pre-teen age.

Remove devices and get him into sport every weekday evening. It's what I've done. No screens at all during the week and one hour per day at the weekend. They moan esp my son but it's tough shxt. I'm the parent and I know best.

Read The Anxious Generation.

And stop worrying about what he thinks. He's a teenager and he's wired to hate you for a few years. It's hard but you have to tell him you're there to protect him not to be his mate.

Thank CHATGPT for us!

My 12 year old loves gaming. And he's not happy when I tell him time has run out (2 h max). But I confiscate mobile and tablet and hide them in my room every day. That's what parenting is about. I think it's neglectful to not take the devices away because they can't resist using it.