Toddler bedtimes are killing me.

[Bedtimemadness]

Any advice would be appreciated because this is soul destroying.

Ds is currently 2.5. He's a great kid and normally a great sleeper and will sleep through 99% of the time (I know I'm really lucky with this) - that is when he eventually goes down. He's completely dropped his nap about 6 months ago and that seems to be working. He's very active and busy during the day and I collect him after I finish work from nursery and do a quick dinner and then we've the same bedtime routine every night it is super consistent. But the last few weeks particularly he's been doing everything in his power to fight going to sleep . Talking, kicking off all the blankets, asking for a drink, asking for the toilet, playing with his Teddy, singing, asking a million questions, pointing out things in the room. I know he's tired, I know he's actually probably over tired but I can't collect him earlier and I'm already really organised about dinner and bedtime routine so it's as quick as I can realistically make it. But my main issue is myself. Work is really full on as much as I love it it's very busy and can be stressful. I'm a completely lone parent so everything falls to me to do and when I'm getting him down to bed I'm really looking forward to him going down for the night so I can do my housework and then maybe get an hour of downtime to myself. Tonight we've been working on bedtime for just over an hour and by this point I'm so effing dysregulated that I've had to come out of the room to calm myself and I can still hear him pottering about in his cot chatting to himself. He's quite happy and I'm very good at keeping a lid on expressing what I'm feeling around him but inside it's overwhelming frustration and I know that's not good for either of us. All I can think is that I still need to clean up after dinner, tidy the kitchen, sort the dog and then finish work I didn't get through today before I can sleep so its already likely to be a late night as it is. I never get a break so it's really important to me that I keep on top of things so I don't lose the run of myself so while I know some people will say forget the dishes that's actually really stressful to me because it means I'm starting tomorrow on the back foot.

Does anyone have any solutions? I already try to do meditations and breathing exercises but it feels futile when I can hear him and need to respond to him.

Let him potter around in his cot and start doing whatever it is you need to do. He isn't upset so doesn't need you next to him. I don't know how light his room is but mine slept in pitch black rooms from babies because if you can't see anything you aren't distracted by anything and staying awake.

He is 2 1/2 so doesn't need you to cover him with a blanket so it doesn't matter if he kicks it off.

He needs to learn to go to sleep by himself and not with you with him. He needs to learn a new way to go to sleep. The best time to do this is whilst he is still in his cot so he is hopefully safely contained. Go back to him when he cries for you but you need to stop talking to him, stop interacting with him so he gets the message that this is not a time to talk. As a lone parent you are doing an incredibly hard job as it all falls to you. Claim some time for yourself.

I had a very poorly child who basically slept on me for the first year of his life and then I had to teach him a new way to sleep. It was 3 nights of hell of me standing very firm on this as he didn't need me anymore for the medical stuff it was just what he was used to. I was a sahm so he was incredibly attached to me.

It’s fine to leave him for a bit, especially if he’s just pottering. Could you say “Mummy is going to wash up, then I’ll be back” and leave him to his pottering for a while?

Does he have any sleep associations currently like a light show or some music that you put on?

I would absolutely just do the bedtime routine and then leave him to settle in his cot, is there a reason you can't? Does he climb out? I had a reward chart I think for my toddlers for staying in their beds after they'd been tucked in.

As everyone else as said, just leave him. He sounds like he's winding down. They often need to do that. Let him potter. Maybe get a Toniebox/Yoto Player so he can listen to a story after you've gone. He'll fall asleep when he's ready.

We had the reward chart as well but when DD2 was a little older. She used to ask to go to B&Q as the treat

My 3yr old was taking ages and ages to fall asleep at night too. I resorted to ChatGPT to build a better routine for bedtime. I put in everything from my parenting style, how I want him to feel at bedtime (safe & loved), how quickly I need him to go to sleep, our regular routine, etc., and asked it to ask any clarifying Q's needed. I updated the thread every night with what worked & didn't and after a week had a bespoke routine that has him falling asleep in 15min. For mine, he wanted me to be holding him / in the bed for him to be falling asleep & it wasn't tenable anymore.

The big thing for me was staying regulated myself. I got scripts for the most common delay tactics and just used them on repeat as needed. E.g. requests for water "we had our water downstairs, it's bedtime now" or crying "mummy's here, you're safe and loved".

Other bits that really worked for us - I give warnings coming up to the transition to bedtime. I let him know it starts in 5min, and on days he's struggling I use a visual timer for the countdown. I do a last call for water downstairs, and let him know it's the last drink of the night. I also rebranded bedtime as "let's go start our night time mission!" I let him chose which PJs to wear, and what book to read.

Also just a thought - at 2.5 I moved mine to a low double bed and he started sleeping so much better.

I have no advice but solidarity. My LO is the same age as yours and we’ve had the same bedtime routine since he was about 8 months old, bath, book, milk and bed and it’s a battle every night lately. If we leave the room he’ll get really upset. We eventually have to get him out the cot and rock him to sleep on our knee, but it takes about 30-40 mins to get him to agree because I think he knows he’ll fall asleep.

I thought this was normal, I just leave my 2yo in his bed by himself and he sings, reads a book and plays with his comforter to self settle and falls asleep on his own? Why can't you leave him OP ?

2 was when we really started implementing the rule of being in bed by a set time whether or not you’re ready to sleep. We bought a Yoto and the rule was he could pick a card and listen to it to drift off. Before 2 he was still breastfeed so had a last feed before sleeping which was his sleepy cue. Now it’s choosing a card and settling down with a teddy to listen. Sometimes he takes 10 minutes to drift off, sometimes it’s half an hour. I don’t mind as long as he’s in bed with lights off.

Also, and I know this is so hard because of your schedule and work commitments, but he’s probably stalling for time to eke out more time with you because he misses you. Maybe try to find little ways to increase that one-to-one feeling for him. A toddler appropriate board game or puzzle together every day after dinner, skip the bath some nights and use that time to just play, stay at the dinner table for a little while after plates are cleared to play with play dough for 20 minutes. I’m sure you’re already doing so much like this, but it’s just a little thought.

Just start leaving the room or you'll have this problem for months and years to come. As PP have said, he needs to learn to go to sleep alone. We left both ours still awake from very early age so they got used to it. Start now.

Our dd is 2 and 3 months and she’s been horrendous with sleep. She will get upset and if she isn’t consoled with 60 seconds will throw up. That means bringing her back to lounge whilst we clean everything up. We’ve bought her a Tonie with some bedtime songs and it’s been working this last couple of weeks to get her calming at bedtime. She’s also dropped naps.

If he’s not upset, but happily chatting and singing, why don’t you just leave him to it?

As a grandmother I wish I'd had Tonies. They're wonderful.

He misses you and doesn’t want to be apart when he’s sleeping. I imagine he knows how stressed you are too.

Ok... so clearly I have been doing way more than I actually need to! He always asks me to stay with him and up until fairly recently he's always gone over with me there. I work some late evenings so I guess I always saw my role in his bedtime as being very available because obviously there are nights where I can't be as available because I'm at work. I just worried he'd feel abandoned or something having to do it on his own but I guess that's maybe been more me putting pressure on myself that I didn't actually need to.

It needs to not be as quickly as possible, he needs time with his mum, do some rolling around time in his room physical play stuff so he gets some good time

My toddlers sleep is all sorts of crazy but my thought is he sounds quite old for a cot. Whenever mine was ready for the next transition sleep went to shit so you might try a big boy bed?

This was my exact worry, that he was struggling to go over because of the separation and that was the reason why he was fighting his sleep rather than just because he wasn't tired/overtired if that makes sense. So I worried that if I left him to it, it would almost reinforce it by accident. Tonight took 2 hrs in the end up and after about an hour and a half I did end up going in and lifting him and cuddling him for about 5-10 min and then he did go over fairly quickly after that. Which is what's so confusing to me. Like maybe it's reassurance he wants but doesn't know how to express.

I have no solutions for you OP, but I could have written your post myself.

Toddler doing similar, only just got them down now. I largely leave them to it but I’m up and down all evening with bizarre requests and messing around.

It makes the days very intense, and there’s no downtime really once my full time job is added on top.

I don’t expect to do housework in the evenings mind, and we have radically rethought our evening meals for the time being.

He moves around so much at night I would worry about him falling out just at the moment. We've recently added a toddler pillow and blanket/duvet instead of a sleeping bag and he can never keep them in place so I do worry about him in an actual bed

He needs his little bucket filled. He wants time with you.

maybe do a half hour of mummy time in his room before bed. Not just reading stories but maybe doing some simple puzzles together or a little quiet game. My 3 year old sometimes suddenly “needs” to check all his teddies with his doctors kit before bed. 10 minutes of teddy hospitals in his bed before lights out keeps him happy.

I don’t know how much space you have but we got a small double size toddler floor bed which is great. I lie with him for stories and we cuddle until he’s asleep. On unsettled nights one of us will just go sleep in there with him. Works really well and no worries about him falling out but does mean you need space for a small double

What also helps with us is verbally ticking off things in the routine so when in bed we’ll do a run down together - bath tick, teeth tick etc until there’s only sleep left and when he acknowledges that he’ll (sometimes) go right to sleep

When DS was 2, we took his cot sides off(it turned into a toddler bed) then put a stair gate on his door as well as at the top of the stairs. We would do stories etc, then pop something on Alexa for him to listen to, lights off but with nightlight on and hallway light on and more or less let him get on with it, he was happy as Larry! now at 7 he's a pickle to get to sleep and will call out in much the same way as your ds

Not really much space at all. On particularly bad nights or if he's unwell I just bring him in with me to my double bed and we have a sleepover which he loves. Although when I'm confident he's out cold I'll transfer him because sleeping beside him is like going 10 rounds in a boxing match I'd no idea I'd signed up for.

I do really notice that he's very very attached to me at the weekend and I do put myself under pressure on week nights so that I can be completely available to him for the full weekend and have proper quality time as I can tell he needs that, and I love it as well. It's just so hard when I'm exhausted and torn between knowing I should be soaking in these moments which won't last forever, but also recognising im so bloody tired and even though I don't miss my ex one iota, I do miss having someone to share even a little of the load.