10yo son told me he sometimes feels suicidal at his dad’s

[Meeko505]

I have two children, 10 and 8. Neither enjoy going to their dad’s but I make them because of course it’s what you have to do. But tonight 10yo DS told me he sometimes feels suicidal at his dad’s. He says maybe twice since Christmas, in terms of regularity. He once crept downstairs to get a knife from the kitchen but dad saw him so he pretended he was doing something else and went back to bed. He was tearing up telling me this and clearly meant it. His dad is an angry, shouty man. Has a temper and throws things. Shouts a lot. Sometimes used to grab me and shake me etc. I know he is abusive but have been told by legal professionals before that that is not enough to limit contact.

i only just found out tonight, DS begged me not to mention to his dad because he will get into trouble. I’ve messaged his teacher to talk to him about it confidentially, contacted a family law firm to see what my options are legally, and I am going to make an appointment with the GP. I also told him he needs to text me every day (he has a brick phone) just letting me know how he is, and text if he feels bad and wants me to call.

The kids have to go to their dads tomorrow, I know I can’t keep them back because it will look uncooperative and could harm any case in court. But I’m worried that the solicitor will tell me we still can’t fight for sole residence. Or that I’ll be able to keep my 10yo back but not my 8yo (9 next month) and she will end up bearing his anger alone instead.

We previously had an incident where my DS told me his dad threw something at him/near him, it didn’t hit him but it would have been scary. He told the teacher at school and they called a meeting with his dad, who proceeded to tell DS off and was really angry about it. He had no insight into his own behaviours and even when I was with him I asked him to go to anger management and he refused.

Is there anything else I need to do? Do you think this kind of thing is enough that my kids could stay with me, or just go in the daytimes or something? I’m so worried that he is feeling like this. It is not every visit (though he never likes going) but obviously feeling this way at all is not ok. I can’t sleep at all, worried.

I'm sorry I can't offer any knowledgeable advice OP but have a hand hold. I couldn't bear to think of my DS aged 10 saying this. Only thought is to ask if anyone local to you can recommend a really good, tough solicitor who would take it on.

I have no good advice except that I thi k you should see a solicitor. I thought the law had changed and doesn't make children visit abusive fathers? I could be wrong. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.op.

Thanks, this is good advice!

Can your children both have a sickness bug that they've caught overnight which prevents them going tomorrow and in the meantime you speak to a solicitor and file a listing in court for an urgent hearing under safeguarding concerns - I did this last year and case was heard inside of a week.

In my experience, @Meeko505, both Cafcass and courts will take into account the opinions of a ten year old.

But more immediately it is imperative that you speak to both your GP and your child’s school immediately, relaying everything your child has said about feeling suicidal. This should all help with the action your solicitor should take as outlined above.

This is a dreadful position to find yourself in - I hope you can make progress y or ward a satisfactory outcome quickly.

I think it’s difficult in cases where there is no proof of the abuse ie documented bruises etc. it’s just “he said/she said” and probably hard to tell who is being honest… but it’s so so hard to know how to protect them when the abuse isn’t physical. I don’t think his dad will ever hit him, but he is angry and scary. I know he’s shoved him before but the kids say he just says he “gently pushed him aside”. It’s hard to argue with unless you’re one of few people who have seen him behave how he does at home, behind closed doors.

Can I ask how it went for you and what the outcome is a year later?

i can’t keep them off tomorrow because they are meant to go to dads even if sick (he would never ever let them stay with me on his days for anything) but I am hoping to speak to a solicitor asap.

At the ages they are now though, I think their experiences will be heard especially if you try and seek a professional to help your son, whi could make recommendations.
It's bloody unfair, this is one of the reasons women often find it hard to leave.

I had it in my head that 12 was the age at which children’s views were given a lot of weight, so I worry a lot about the nearly 9yo being forced to go alone.

Im so sorry to hear this. My DD experienced panic attacks going to her dad’s this age or a little bit older. If I could turn back the clock, I’d have intervened sooner to say ‘sorry, she’s not going.’ If my ex could turn back the clock, he’d have insisted she continue going to him. She still suffers from anxiety, I wish I had centred her fear and stress over his difficult nature. It was an absolutely horrible time, involving a mediator, and remains one of the most challenging times of my life. But I’m an adult. As a child, their protection has to be top priority. Build a team of allies - school, family, social worker?, therapist, GP, etc.

And mind his sibling too, family fractures can emerge if the younger child feels they then have to be ‘good’ to keep daddy happy, which isn’t good for them either.

Take it in bite-size pieces. Position it as a temporary measure.

So sorry you and your DC are going through this. When speaking to the school make sure you ask to speak to the DSL. This is probably the head or deputy head (possibly other teachers too depending on the size) they will also be able to put you in touch with organisations that can help you. And get DS to the GP. I hope everything works out for you and your DC.

Does he have a phone? Can you give him an old one so he can message you when there? Obviously only if he's sensible enough to keep it silent and hidden.

I think the OP has said that he has an old style phone. Not sure about the younger sibling though, it sounds as though they might need one too.

Clearly no child should be going into an environment where they have to keep secret the fact that they have a phone to call their mother.

I agree with the advice you’ve had already about who to speak to. I’d also recommend talking to the school about DD. This is an awful lot to navigate for her as well.

If you post in the Legal Section you should be able to get some legal advice.

If you don’t already have a court order in place surely just tell him they aren’t going? Their dad sounds aggressive and your dc don’t want to be there. If he complains tell him you’re acting in the interests of the dc and he can take you to court. If you don’t feel ready for that yet then they are too unwell to visit this week.

I have had issues with my exes parenting at times. He can lose his temper too and I know he’s upset my dc on a couple of occasions. I’ve always been very clear in telling them that they don’t have to go if they don’t want to. Their wishes are valid and I will deal with any fallout from it.

What does your 10 year old want to do?
In these circumstances I’d not be forcing him to go. Do you have a child arrangements order?

You need to speak to Safeguarding at school, not just a teacher. Also contact the school Nurses.

Of course you don't have to send them if they are sick. Just say they are feeling too poorly to go.

I think this is the crux. No order in place then they don’t need to go. You can just say that they’re sick and take the fallout.

And do you have a non-molestation order in place for yourself?

I’ve been in this situation and it got a lot more complicated. You need to stop your children going. I would also be taking your son to the GP. Suicidal feelings in young children under the age of 11 are very very rare. It will be taken seriously

But that’s just him bullying you. If kids are sick it’s general the sensible thing to keep them comfortable at home and not allow the spread of germs. You don’t have to do what he’s telling you. If he doesn’t like it he can seek legal advice himself.

Basically your priority is keeping your dc safe not keeping your ex happy.

I would never send them back without a court order and serious safeguarding in place. Are you afraid if him and what he will do if you refuse?