I’ve neglected my toddler by having another baby and I don’t know if the impact can be reversed 😢

[Serendipity84]

We planned baby two soon after my first and there 19 months between them. My first had birth injuries and we both struggled those first couple of months. He had been delayed with milestones but seem to have caught up by his 9 month check. Second baby seemed possible, my mum lived round the corner and was going to be around to help every day. Fast forward to have baby 2 via c section my mum got diagnosed with cancer in her first week then a family member very close to me and same age died in horrific circumstances. I really struggled again with my mental health and my support wasn’t there when my husband was working.

I feel like for 6 months I was trapped with so much anger and sadness that I switched off and met basic needs. My toddler got loads of tv time and it became just his day to day. I struggled to get out with both of them without support and with it being winter I felt very limited.

I’ve gone back to work and got a bit more focus. Mum got the all clear, baby is more manageable but now I am see that he isn’t speaking anymore and less responsive. I don’t know if I have damaged his brain with all the days of screen time 😢

Ive took it all away now and when im there its interact interact interact. Ive also paid privately for surgery to have his tongue divided as he had a severe tongue tie. I am trying everything. He’s enrolled at nursery 2 days a week and I am waiting another month before paying for a speech therapist.

I don’t know what else I can do. I feel so guilty everytime I look at him and the last 6 months.

i guess I’m trying to find someone that has similar experiences.

TIA

You haven’t damaged or neglected your child
speech delay is really common
please be kind to yourself

First stop beating yourself up with that age gap, it is very hard, I had two 15 months apart and it is relentless. My husband was also working long hours and I had no support from extended family. I used to worry about the same things. The good news is it doesn't stay hard forever. Just try to do a few small things, I used to think I had to play, read, cuddle, cook nutrious food all the time and it isn't necessary when you have down time meet another mum and let the kids play together, you can just sit together chat and sort of oversee it. For snacks yoghurt a carrot just peeler and a chopped apple or pepper will do. Work os good but don't expect to be wonderwoman. Just don't put too much pressure on yourself. My DD had a tongue tie and I felt terribly guilty. Just stop the guilt and a big hug to you.

Sounds as though you may have had/have postnatal depression? Why did you not have any support available? It's easily available through your midwife/health visitor, did you ask them for help?

Did the hospital not mention anything about a tongue tie at birth? That's usually fixed very early, often days/weeks after birth. If your little one waited so long for it, that could likely explain the speech delay.

You certainly haven't damaged his brain by having screen time all day, at most it'll delay social development but that's easily fixed with starting nursery

Don't worry! Tele will do no lasting harm. People are paid thousands to develop stimulating programmes for babies. You have coped so well with so much difficulty. Well done for getting through. Babies and toddlers are so difficult. My second had speech delay and went to some speech therapy play sessions. He is now 15 and has no trouble speaking. Hahaha. I think you are doing a great job.

I think all kids with a close age gap sibling ends up with a lot of screen time, realistically it's the only way to keep them distracted while you deal with the baby. Speech delay is really common and with specialist help and nursery it usually sorts itself out pretty quickly. If you can up the nursery days that will help, being with other kids really brings their language along.

Thsnk you :)

Thank you. I do/did have post natal depression and PTSD. I’m in the NW and services are pretty stretched. I’m under perinatal mental health team and have a visit from my care ordinator once a month to update my assessment of somewhat agree, agree etc
questionnaire. The psychological services which I think would be useful are a big wait. I was offered medication but felt that would be worse as my toddler wakes at least once in the night and my baby is up throughout.
the Tongue tie was missed as he had such severe injuries to his face and neck from forceps. They thought his feeding issues were due to this. It’s been two months since it was divided so I am really hoping it does start to have an impact on speech

Sounds like you’re doing all you can now.
There are pros and cons to small age gaps between children.

Hi, I had a similar age gap and by the grace of God my second baby was very easy going. Because of that, I was able to do everything “right” in terms of early speech development - especially as I have two different close relatives who are speech therapists giving me tips and resources since before my eldest was born. I can count on one hand the amount of times my eldest watched telly before age 2.5, even when my youngest was tiny.

Despite all that, guess what? He has a speech delay!! Sometimes these things just are the way they are. There is really no sense in blaming yourself, it will serve no-one least of all your children. You have no idea whether the telly and new baby actually impacted your child or not (ie he may have had a speech delay even if it had all been different), and you will probably never know so don’t dwell on it, just move forward. It sounds like you’ve had a rough time of it and done a great job anyway ❤️

My close friends had PND with her first and her eldest had a speech and gross motor skills delay at 18 months - both resolved themselves without intervention (not saying you shouldn’t do anything it’s just this may just sort itself out) and at 6 he has the reading age of a 17 year old. You’ve had a hard time, give yourself a break and remind yourself that your toddler has a loving mother and lots of time for you to support him. Also, I had two close together and I was 100 percent mentally fine but I absolutely still felt like I’d abandoned by eldest for the first 4 months - now I feel like I’m prioritising him too much - so you can’t win! The simple answer is they will both get loads of stimulation and interaction from each other as they get older and that will sort a lot of the issues with having to split your time out.

OP you’ve done nothing wrong. You do what you have to do and the tv won’t have harmed your toddler. I only have one DD but was diagnosed with cancer when she was 16 weeks, and DH became very ill (mini stroke) when I was having chemo. We don’t have a lot of family support (not because they don’t want to, distance and health related) and there was a period of time where DD watched a TON of TV because both of us were ill and barely holding it together. She wasn’t speaking more than 5 words at 2 and I was convinced we had broken her, was already filled with guilt that I couldn’t BF and then this… she’s just turned 3 and never stops talking. She was behind for ages and then just suddenly started and now she’s ahead in terms of what she says and understands. Please please be gentle with yourself and cut yourself some major slack, you’re doing the best you can, you love your children and you can’t help the cards you were dealt. Wishing you the best ❤️

I agree. It's perfectly normal to have another baby while the first one is a toddler. You have done nothing wrong.

Sounds very challenging op. How old is your son? Is he babbling or saying any words? Does he use any gestures or non verbal methods of communication? You could also ask your gp to refer him for a hearing test just in case. You’ve done the right thing now by reducing screen time now - there is growing evidence that too much can affect a child’s language development and social interaction skills. Tongue ties don’t necessarily affect speech so don’t worry about that.

You sound like such a caring mum. You used screen time during a terribly stressful time when it was that or go under. your two babies needed you not to go under so you did what you had to do. Be kind to yourself.

At your son's age my son's speech was not great (also a forceps delivery as it happens). He just wasn't a great talker at that age - and he had no screen time because we didn't realise toddlers could watch tv until someone said to us isn't it great he isn't in front of a tv! His two younger sisters (born 14 months apart) were so much more verbal- if he had been my third I'd have been so worried. He is now a 28 year old articulate witty lovely man (but an introvert!)

We all do things that we wish we could do differently - most of those things won't matter in the long run. All that matters now is you are doing your best for your two children and that you mind yourself.

A good mum cares. It sounds like you are doing your absolute best to get as much help as you can. You are doing better than you think.

DS was 6 months old when I was diagnosed with cancer. I thought I'd damaged him because I couldn't hold him as I was too emotional before treatment or for the two weeks after surgery. I thought he'd grow up cold and not feeling loved because I couldn't be there 100% for him in his early months. I stopped loving him because I didn't want to remain attached incase I didn't make it. He had wayyyy too much screen time and alone time in his moses basket. He is now about to start reception. He is thriving, hitting his milestones and we have the best relationship.

Sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves to be the perfect parent. Huge news none of us are and we are just trying to do our best everyday. Keep going you are doing a great job.

Oh OP, don’t beat yourself up. I have an 18 month gap and had PND with my 2nd. It’s all a bit of a painful blur when I think back to that time.

My 2nd ended up having to see an ENT consultant when he had just turned 1 due to breathing issues. The consultant was assessing him and then asked if he had been severely hearing impaired since birth or whether it was a recent issue. We hadn’t even noticed he was hearing impaired at all! God, the guilt I felt!!

Fortunately, it was all related to the breathing issues and after an operation that same week his hearing and breathing was sorted. He’s now a teenager predicted straight 9’s in his GCSE’s.

You have done the best that you could have done in the circumstances. You continue to do your best. Your DC will be more than fine, they will thrive!

Oh OP I can only echo everyone else - be kind to yourself! You’ve had a really tough time by the sound of it and 2 under 2 is tough as it is. You’ve not done anything wrong, all kids are just different. My second had a perfect, textbook birth, no tongue tie, loads of interaction and was still speech delayed - the siblings each side of him (one older, one younger) never shut up 😂 the younger one was a much better talker than he was for a long time. Nothing I did differently or did ‘wrong’ - just different children. I remember dithering over whether to get him speech therapy as he was 6 months off starting school and I and his older sister were pretty much the only two people who could understand him - even his dad didn’t know what he was saying and needed me to translate half the time 🤦‍♀️ I didn’t get the speech therapy and by the time he went to school he was still a bit ‘baby’ sounding but his teacher could understand him no trouble…and by year 2 he was on the gifted and talented register 🤷‍♀️ don’t worry. Your DS will be fine ❤️

Meant to add - I had 3 aged 5 and under and had constant mum guilt for ages after the third was born; it all felt so hard for a long time and there was many times where I honestly thought I’d done the wrong thing having the youngest. I had no help, including from their dad who was pretty much useless. But we got through all of it, we’re years down the line now, the kids are so close and have such a good bond with each other even now - and I adore them all and vice versa. They all turned out just fine and so will yours - and they’ll gain so much from having each other which is something you could never replicate without them both ❤️

OP I'm going against the grain a bit. Times were obviously hard without anyone being at fault and you couldn't have possibly known what was to come. You have recognised that maybe you didn't meet your toddlers needs enough and that's good to recognise. I'm not going to say 'he will be fine, won't remember etc' because that's bullshit and reeks of denial. It's best to recognise that this time must have been difficult for everyone and make changes from there.

It all goes in and his body/nervous system will remember this time and it will have shaped his life so far. I'm saying it because it's important to recognise this for him. Everything else would be incredibly dismissive towards him. If you have struggled how could he not have with so many changes etc? Nobody will be able to say what's caused his speech delay. But I just wanted to remind of his emotional needs and attachment to you, which may have been difficult to meet during screen time and may be less obvious than the speech delay but aren't less important. The most important thing is that he feels important and taken seriously.

Being late to talk is often just one of those things. Dd1, talked early and had the same as yours with turmoil and sibling. Ds1 I swear must have taught himself. 10 year gap. Dd2 who had a house full of love and attention, thousands on speech therapy and started school with no one understanding a word!.
I hasten to add it was resolved by the end of reception

There's a really nasty accusatory tone to this that I hope you did not intend. It's not a good look to kick someone when they're so obviously down.

OP, there's 5.5 years between my two and I'm still terrified that I have ruined DD1's life and our relationship forever. I don't think there's ever a right moment. Please be kind to yourself, we can't excel at every phase but we can at least keep the show on the road, which is what you've done. It sounds like you've been through an awful lot. Well done for hanging in there.

Sometimes you just do what you need to do to get through. Your child will be fine in the longer term.

FWIW, I was very hands on with all of mine and limited screens, spent lots of time playing with them and reading to them - and one still had a speech delay. It happens. It's not your fault.

She's so clearly aware of his emotional needs and attachment. No, it's not ideal. I don't think anyone's saying his emotional development doesn't matter. But while this time is formative, the bar for permanent damage to attachment style is actually pretty high. Consistent meeting of basic needs, even at a delay, even if the hit rate isn't even close to 100%, counts for a lot in child development. And you are discounting the first 18 months of his life when he was an only child and a secure attachment will have been established. A new sibling is not going to totally erode that foundation.

Obviously we can't see inside the OP's house and if he was regularly crying himself hoarse all alone then that's pretty awful. But if he had a loving parent who kept the day ticking over, albeit not very interestingly, his attachment is perfectly likely to be secure. I think it's very cruel of you to suggest otherwise.

Please be kinder to yourself OP. It's not having a second child which has so badly affected your parenting journey with your first child. It's the huge amount of trauma you have had to face which you never planned for. Needing a CS (never ideal with a. second baby when you have an older child who needs you active and mobile), your mum being so unwell, your relative dying - all this is huge. You can reverse the damage the screens caused - just get rid now, he is little still and won't remember. You are doing all the right things, you're back at work and stimulated, kiddo is settled in nursery, you are sorting his speech. You will be fine.

DS was an only child until three and a half and got loads of interaction. Still only started talking at 3 and still behind at 4. It's nothing to do with the age gap.
Have you had him tested for his hearing etc?