I don’t think I can go through with my second pregnancy when I already have a 1 year old baby via IVF

[IVFmum24]

I have just found out I am 6 weeks pregnant, naturally after struggling to conceive for 6 years and subsequently having 2 rounds of IVF, second being successful and resulting in my beautiful 1 year old daughter.
However I am not happy about being pregnant. I thought I would be over the moon to fall pregnant naturally but I am terrified and considering a termination. Before, I never thought I would ever consider a termination after struggling with infertility and going through IVF. Right now I just don’t know how I can continue with this pregnancy, I have really really struggled becoming a mum. I feel like I’m not a good mum and certainly not a good enough mum to have two children under the age of 2. I had a traumatic birth, it did not go as planned and I ended up being rushed to surgery immediately after and losing almost 3 litres of blood. I did not get the bonding golden hour which I feel has also affected me. I love my daughter to absolute pieces, she’s the best thing ever but I just don’t think I can do it again, especially so soon. My husband always wanted two kids but since we needed IVF we reserved ourselves to knowing we would only ever have the 1, so now I am pregnant he is over the moon, but I’m not. I just can’t see myself coping with two, I was looking forward to starting to get my body back and being able to be myself a bit more, but if I go through with this I really worry I’ll have a breakdown. But I just can’t get over the thought of a termination when I struggled so much. Please can anyone give me any advice on if they regretted a termination, how hard 2 under 2 is, or if anyone has any lovely stories about 2 under 2, or equally if anyone has been in a similar position and gone through with the pregnancy or not. I just feel I would rather regret a termination than regret a new baby because once they are here there is nothing I can do. I am really torn! Thank you for reading this far!

I think you need to seek counselling. I’m pro choice. If you want an abortion get one. But in your situation I’d be so worried you’d regret it especially with the IVF back ground and then what if you wanted to get pregnant again and couldn’t . Lots of people have 2 under 2. Personally I wouldn’t have one for that reason even though I have a larger age gap myself. Do you have post natal depression maybe? Maybe a chat with your GP would be a good start.

I'm also pro choice but think you would regret it. I don't understand. I honestly don't. you were desperate for a child and struggled for 6 years. you now have a beautiful child and are pregnant again, I do not get why you would get rid of it. I think you would regret it.

I know 2 couples where this happened. It's not uncommon for IVF to be successful and then a natural pregnancy to follow soon after. Please get therapy and speak with someone before you make a decision.

I can say from personal experience and that of friends. Many regret terminations. No one regretted having the baby. I think you also need to give serious thought o if your marriage will survive a termination. I'm not saying just have the baby for your DH sake but be fully prepared for him to leave you if you terminate his much wanted child,

Oh OP, you sound so stressed and distressed.

I ended up having twins second time round after IVF, and oldest was 22 months when they arrived, and still in Nappies.
Was it hard? Not too bad actually.

You sound like you have got yourself into a bit of a Pretzel, and aren’t quite thinking straight. It is all going to be fine. Like really great.
You sound mostly scared of a terrible delivery, and there are many ways to help manage that. Including a planned caesarean.

Your post doesn’t scream you really want the termination more that you are scared. I understand. I feel like you can and will cope if you go forward. Have you spoken to your DH about your feelings? What can you put in place to make it more manageable? Can you use childcare, do you have any family support?

The abortion clinics have councilling services. Maybe so you feel more in control have a call with BPAS, use their counselling services and make a decision from there. I believe they tend to have a few weeks between initial contact and and treatment so you aren’t making any decision. And your gut can guide you; after speaking to them you don’t to proceed. But it will make you feel more in control.

I feel so deeply for you and there's a lot here that is a little above mumsnet's paygrade, I would strongly recommend you seek support in real life as well but I know how helpful it is to have an anonymous place online to vent and sort through things.

Firstly the birth. Birth trauma is huge and can absolutely impact your mental health for years and how you bond with the baby. It's no wonder you're worried. Can you get a birth debrief with the hospital? There are also amazing doulas and independent midwives who will go through it outside the hospital explain why things happened, if it's likely to happen again, what can be done next time and reframe it. If you were in NI I couldn't recommend someone but I would get that booked asap.

Two under two is hard but there is a huge amount of joy in it. They are best buddies, they learn from eachother, you're fully in the trenches but then come out of them faster. I'd got used to uninterrupted sleep when second came along and the bigger age gap means you're balancing different needs.

What support do you have? Your husband is on board but how is he with the current one? Do you have family/ paid support or can you get it?

I had a friend who tried for 7 years for a baby, we had ours around the same time. One day she broke down to me and admitted that because she fought so hard for her baby and spent so much money and sacrificed so much, now she had her, she couldn't be anything but grateful and happy but sometimes it was hard and horrible and she felt like she regretted it (I think we all have brief flashes of that) and that was piling on guilt and pressure and making her not enjoy it. She absolutely adores her baby, but the journey impacted her so much and because it ultimately worked for her she didn't give herself the grace to heal from it. Maybe that doesn't resonate with you. But she sought so therapy and took the time to work on herself. She had PND but until then she had refused to accept it. She's so, so happy now.

It’s totally your call OP but 2 under 2 isn’t too bad. Hard for the first year with two usually in nappies and a little baby and a big baby but they quickly get to a similar stage and can play together. You get all the tough baby and toddler years out of the way quickly too.

Just to add. I am completely pro choice and absolutely if you do not want to continue with the pregnancy that is for you to decide with support from your doctor. End of story. I just sense from your post that it is worth exploring both the birth trauma and the root of your fear so you can make an informed decision.

I realise it's hard when there is a ticking clock. Get some real world support booked asap and give yourself at least a week where you promise yourself you will not make a decision while you explore everything.

Then get a babysitter and sit down with your husband and just talk, total transparency and see if you can come to a decision you can find peace with.

Im all for your body your choice but id defo consider counselling to help you decide. This happened to a friend of mine, tried for years, 2 rounds IVF and had a their DC. They now have 2 20months apart. Apparently it can be quite common, the drugs can reboot your fertility. No one is saying it's easy but it is rewarding, and if you do terminate you may never conceive again.

I dont think there's a wrong or right. Whatever you decide will sit on your heart, so you have to just make the best choice you can. I wish you all the best

My mum had my sister when I was 10 months old so had 2 under 1 for a period. We had the best childhood although it was very hard on mum at the time it worked out really well and even now we are old we have been very close all our lives. From your tone I think you would regret it if you terminated. Obviously up to you though and do whatever you think. Wanted to give you a positive story though. Mum became a registered childminder when we were very young so had a couple of school age kids every day (a brother and sister) before and after school who have remained lifelong friends along with their mum.

This is a very unhelpful
and unkind post @Plantladylover - the OP’s position is not hard to understand, she has experienced a lot of anxiety as a new mother, she feels overwhelmed, she thinks a second baby would be too much. Having IVF or not has nothing to do with this.

You are going to get a lot of judgey posts OP, so try to ignore them. I think it’s really important you seek counselling asap, so you can work this through in your head, and talk it through with your husband (if it’s hard to talk about get a counsellor who works with couples. There might be practical ways to improve your anxiety and sense of overwhelm enough that you feel comfortable with continuing the pregnancy, and there might not. Neither decision is right or wrong - it’s about what’s right for you and the child you do have (in that order).

Oh you poor thing, OP. You need to get some professional support to help you make your choice, OP because if you make that choice due to fear or a touch of PND or birth trauma then you will not be making the choice for the right reason.

ps parenting is hard and just because you came to it the hard way doesn’t mean you are not allowed to find it tough and be a bit resentful at times (I thought I would never be a mum and have my days of wanting to scream into the void, trust me).

pps- golden hour sounds like another stick to beat mums with so they can blame themselves for not parenting perfectly- you had a tough birth but you will get there.

I am also pro choice.

Just as a reassurance though, I had 15 months between my first two and it was wonderful.

I would also encourage counselling before any decision. I had a not dissimilar start to motherhood to you - TTC for many years, finally conceived via IVF. Had a major haemorrhage post birth and was taken off to surgery. Struggled massively to bond, didn’t enjoy maternity leave or really the first 18 months much at all. Felt it was more of a duty to care for her rather than something I was loving.

Fast forward to now. She’s 4 and I could not love her any more if I tried. It’s really hard work but she honestly is my everything. We’ve also had a second and I had a totally different birth experience - basically textbook, no complications. The whole thing has been like night and day compared to the birth and early years with our daughter, and has been so much easier. Two is hard work but not double the work. In some ways I find it easier as it takes some of the intensity/focus off her. As I found first time round, it gets progressively easier as time goes on.

I wouldn’t underestimate how much the birth trauma is affecting your feelings towards this. Sure the timing isn’t ideal, these things rarely are, but if you are going to want 2 children, given your history, this is quite possibly your opportunity. I’m sure you are a great mum even if you can’t see it yet. Not saying you should go through with the pregnancy, of course if you are certain it’s not the right decision you shouldn’t. But I would seek some support urgently before progressing with a termination.

yabvu. I was neither unkind nor unhelpful. I'm not judging her in any way either. I suggested she get therapy or speak with someone.

the OP was asking for people's experiences of having a termination and regretting it.

Of course having IVF is relevant. If someone has serious fertility issues that they use IVF it's unlikely that if they terminate a pregnancy they can just get pregnant again at will when they want to. That is not unreasonable.

Could you speak to the perinatal team or a midwife? I think you need some counselling for support. I wish you all the best.

I know someone who had the termination in slightly different circumstances, but basically it wasn’t the right time for her as she was already really struggling with one child and mostly doing it solo, I’m not sure if she regrets the termination at times, but I know that having a second child at that time would have sent her over the edge. There were times after having our second child that I wondered whether we did the right thing or not, and they are 3 years apart. Those thoughts have now passed 15 months on, but it will change things and your time will be more stretched. So it’s important that you go into this with your eyes wide open. And I think some people just shuffle with becoming a parent more than others. I really struggled too x

Before this recent pregnancy, how were you feeling about the timing of a second?

I ask because my second pregnancy arrived like the knell of doom… for no good reason. It was planned and much wanted until it arrived. I think it was a hormonal antenatal depression.

So just check that this is a genuine disinclination for a pregnancy, not a hormonal anomaly.

2 under two can be hard in the early days but now 18 months on it’s really lovely, they genuinely are best friends and they’re into all the same things which makes day trips out etc much easier and they entertain each other for ages! I spent my pregnancy worried how my first born would cope without my full attention and couldn’t imagine loving a second child as much but you really do find the extra love from somewhere!

Your fears around birth are so valid and I do think it’s worth having a birth debrief as all birth circumstances are so different that none of us can help you with that. I will say though that my second birth was amazing and healing, they came very quickly and naturally whereas my first needed some intervention, so definitely have a chat to the hospital to see if you’d be high risk this time around as they might be able to offer some reassurance.

Good luck ❤️

Reread your post and the OP’s:

Saying you don’t understand why the OP might be thinking about a termination when she has explained very clearly why she is finding motherhood tough is unkind.

Telling her that you don’t know anyone who regrets a baby but several who regret termination is unkind (it might be true for your friendship group, but you must have the wit to realise it isn’t remotely universal - so why say it?)

Telling her her husband may leave her with no evidence for that is unkind and unlikely to be true. Unless the man is a total dick, he’ll have noticed he has an unhappy and anxious wife, apart from that, he’s unlikely to want to ditch a kid that he really wanted.

Finally, the OP is clear that she thinks one child is enough for her. She isn’t thick, she’ll know she won’t easily get pregnant again.

The only reasonable thing you said was seek counselling, other than that it was just a load on of guilt and more things to be anxious about.

Jeez the OP ASKED for experiences of people who regretted terminations.

Let's leave it at that and let the OP absorb the responses

Will dp practically support you during pg and with the babies?

Whatever you decide do keep in mind that your eldest will be very different in 7.5 months. A toddler. Hopefully sleeping better and on the way to being more independent.

I had twins when eldest was 2.5 and honestly it was harder going from 0 to 1 than 1 to 3.

I don’t remember any golden hour stuff and nor do they. You’ve had a hard time but don’t beat yourself up about that bonding stuff. We all just do our best! You are a great mum for thinking what is best for your family so don’t feel bad about this ambivalence.

First time motherhood was awful, second time 26 months later was a doddle.
No two births and babies are the same. Don’t allow fears which might not materialise to hold you back.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I am fully aware that if I did terminate this pregnancy then I may well not get pregnant again. And in all honestly I think I would be ok with that. I just can’t see myself with two children.
My husband is amazing, while he is happy he also said it is up to me as he doesn’t want us to split up or for me to suffer. I have spoken to him about how I feel but I also haven’t thought that I could have PND. It’s not something I’ve been around so know what to look for. I did have a birth reflection appointment with the hospital team which helped but I suppose the thoughts I’m having now about now being a good mum or coping etc could mean PND. I will take the advice on board and seek counselling, although I am aware I am running out of time if my ultimate decision is a termination.

Oh OP. I know it's not the point of the thread but the bloody golden hour makes me angry.

It really upsets me that women are being left feeling they missed out on something I'm not sure really exists.

I had both of mine naturally without even gas and air (I'm just saying this as I should be text book for this so called hour). And yet the first part of it was spent trying not to drown my son in a rather grim pool, struggling to get over the side, struggling to deliver the placenta and then him being taken off for jabs, then me putting my legs in stirrups and being stitched up. Not bloody golden.

Please don't beat yourself up over these things. Bonding isn't about an hour, it's ever feed you do despite being knackered and all the millions of little acts of love you do each and every day. Struggling and doing it anyway shows how strong that bond is.

I also think you need to talk to a professional.

You need to think about long term as well as the right now. You'll have a tough year or so undoubtedly but it won't last forever, and your regret might so you have to be sure.

I wasn't sure how I felt about a second. I left it four years. But I don't think it's the same level of shock as your life has already changed so much. I probably found early pregnancy the hardest part of it.