I don’t think I can go through with my second pregnancy when I already have a 1 year old baby via IVF

[IVFmum24]

I have just found out I am 6 weeks pregnant, naturally after struggling to conceive for 6 years and subsequently having 2 rounds of IVF, second being successful and resulting in my beautiful 1 year old daughter.
However I am not happy about being pregnant. I thought I would be over the moon to fall pregnant naturally but I am terrified and considering a termination. Before, I never thought I would ever consider a termination after struggling with infertility and going through IVF. Right now I just don’t know how I can continue with this pregnancy, I have really really struggled becoming a mum. I feel like I’m not a good mum and certainly not a good enough mum to have two children under the age of 2. I had a traumatic birth, it did not go as planned and I ended up being rushed to surgery immediately after and losing almost 3 litres of blood. I did not get the bonding golden hour which I feel has also affected me. I love my daughter to absolute pieces, she’s the best thing ever but I just don’t think I can do it again, especially so soon. My husband always wanted two kids but since we needed IVF we reserved ourselves to knowing we would only ever have the 1, so now I am pregnant he is over the moon, but I’m not. I just can’t see myself coping with two, I was looking forward to starting to get my body back and being able to be myself a bit more, but if I go through with this I really worry I’ll have a breakdown. But I just can’t get over the thought of a termination when I struggled so much. Please can anyone give me any advice on if they regretted a termination, how hard 2 under 2 is, or if anyone has any lovely stories about 2 under 2, or equally if anyone has been in a similar position and gone through with the pregnancy or not. I just feel I would rather regret a termination than regret a new baby because once they are here there is nothing I can do. I am really torn! Thank you for reading this far!

I didn’t have IVF but I had very very similar feelings to you when I got pregnant 10 months after having my first baby. And despite wanting two, it all felt too soon, too much, not possible! I actively thought about a termination as well. But I didn’t and it was the best decision for me. Having 2 under 2 is not exactly fun for the first year but it is manageable and I am so happy that my two are close in age. If you go ahead with the pregnancy you will manage and it will all be ok- and soon you can’t imagine not having two very small children!

And if you decide to have a termination that is ok as well - your body and your choice. But 100% I would look into speaking to a professional- you had a very difficult route to motherhood and then what sounds like a traumatic birth and like others I fear this is feeding your feelings of anxiety and is potentially pushing you to make a decision you will regret.

PND takes on many forms. I didn’t know I had it as I was blind with rage after the birth of my first baby and thought PND was categorised as low mood & no energy or passion for anything vs extreme anxiety and anger. But it can manifest in many forms. I’m on SSRI’s now for mine following a similar pattern after having our second born, and I wish I had started them years ago. My chronic anxiety has almost completely gone and I feel like I can actually enjoy life again. So it might be worth speaking to the GP about your mental health anyway, whatever you do decide regarding this pregnancy.

we also said that we would have been happy as a 3 if we hadn’t been successful in out second pregnancy, and I still stand by that. I also had such extreme hyperemesis with my second that at times I really wondered whether I had done the right thing as it was so debilitating and took my time away from my eldest. But we did it and it has turned out ok and obviously I love my son & can’t imagine life without him now. But the timing was right for us.

it sounds like you’re asking the right questions about it all, and have support from your husband no matter what. Know that you will be fine either way. You’ve got a loving family and the most important thing is that you are ok x

You sound as if you don't want another baby - that for whatever reason you're one and done. That's good enough..you know you..forget the guilt trips and other people's projected opinions about your possible feelings in the future. Your husband is supportive go with your own decision.

You are such a good mum. I can feel it in your words. You’re understandably scared. And you’ve been through so much. Some of the best mums I know had harder then average starts with births and trauma. And some of the mums I know who struggle more then others had text book births and bonding. The truth is parenting isn’t easy and adjusting to it is hard. But it does get easier, it’s a short period of time and not forever.

I say all this not to convince you, your choice is your own and so personal to you. But it sounds like your self esteem needs picking up and that you need a reminder that you are good enough and worthy of being a mother.

I think counselling or speaking to someone is a great start, I also think weigh up your scenario - what’s your relationship like, have you support, can your first go into some childcare when baby number 2 arrives etc. Many of my friends have two under two and while yeah it comes with challenges it comes also with endless positives. The age gap means that friendships are formed early on, you’ve the hard parts done back to back etc.

Whatever you decide it’ll be the right choice. Having ivf before doesn’t mean you’ve to accept this if you really don’t want to. But just don’t let low self esteem at an understandably traumatic time be the decider. My little boy is three and who I was when he was one is wildly different to who I am now. It’s a hard period you’re in, but it’s not forever. Good luck xxx

I had 2 under 2 as a solo mum on purpose (16 month age gap). 2 kids is definitely a lot more than 1, but 2 under 2 is not nearly as crazy as people say - especially if you have supportive partner (sounds like yours is). I obviously don't have a partner but could afford some help which made a huge difference. Mine are now 7 and 23 months and it is tiring but pretty lovely and the way they already engage with each other makes things easier with the younger (they don't get bored because they have the elder sibling to watch). There also loads of things you can do during the pregnancy to prepare your life to make it easier (e.g. sort out your eldest's sleep, get them going to nursery for part of the day if that's an option, etc). Also, had planned c sections both times and they were brilliant so if your first birth was traumatic that's an alternative option.

A few other things - you definitely sound like you are struggling with more than just normal levels of mum guilt so you need to talk to someone if you can about how you feel. Also, i have a friend who had very serious PND from her first and was still on meds when she had her second 5 years later - but she had a great time and not a trace of PND - so just because the first experience was traumatic doesn't mean the second has to be.

Lastly, if you do decide its too much that's ok too. Having kids is a deeply personal decision and only you have the right to decide that for yourself.

I had two under two for a brief time. It was fine, though I actually chose that, so it's not comparable.

How much is your previous birth playing on your feelings about it? I can speak to that. I lost over 3 litres with my last baby. I was done anyway but I did speak to a midwife and doctor about what this meant for future pregnancies. I was told that I shouldn't let it stop me but that I would have a very closely managed birth, especially third stage, if I birthed again. The reason you lost all that blood also comes into it, and affects the chances of it happening again. Your medical professionals can better advise on that and I'm sure they'd be willing to talk to you if that's a major factor for you now.

It’s important to think about what is driving this thought process for you. Is it the trauma from your daughter’s birth? If so, you will almost definitely be offered a planned caesarean which could resolve this angst by being a more controlled environment to birth in. Or is it all of the after birth stuff that is scaring you, about how you might cope? If so, That is a different issue all altogether.

if you did go ahead with it I would seriously consider putting your eldest into childcare for as much time as possible. She will be entitled to 30 hours free by now if you’re both working parents. Which is spread out over 52 weeks, so you would pay some but not as much as you would have done historically. I found having 2 at home on my own were some of the darkest moments following the birth of our second. I couldn’t cope at all and it scared me senseless. So plan for getting as much help as possible if you can. Also, yes your eldest will be older but she’ll also be mobile and still going through huge developmental leaps. And there will be the adjustment of getting a new sibling for her, And for you. You feel very torn in the early days and months. This isn’t to scare you, but I want you to know some of the challenges you could face. So you’re aware, and don’t think it’s all just airy fairy ‘oh it will be fine you’ll just get on with it’. Your life will shift again, and with 2 you get absolutely no down time. Especially in the early years. It’s basically one child each at all times, and that’s with a mega suppprtive husband who doesn’t have to work away all of the time, for example.

I would just think about the reasons why you’re so hesitant and that will help you to make a more informed decision. Timing does make a difference, no matter what anyone says x

This!

im pro choice and believe every woman who wants one should have access to it safely and freely.

but do you want one?

if I told you I could snap my fingers and put you into a lovely restful sleep for 2 years and you would wake up the mum of two gorgeous kids without experiencing the the trenches of birth and sleep deprivation would you take it?

I think in your case you might be trading the next 12/18 months of it being really rough for a life of regretting it.

I hope you find peace whatever you decide

I had 2 under 2.

The first time round with oldest I struggled with timescales - ie. I felt it would always be like this. They will never sleep, I will never not have to do a contact nap, it will always be hard...

A good analogy is running a marathon but dont know how far you've run or when it will ever end.. you feel hopeless and its so. So. hard.

Second time was a very different experience.
I knew things would change and you just have to wait it out. I had elcs and didn't breastfeed and didnt do any contact naps really. I felt more myself and got my "body back" over the year as I knew what I was getting into and was better prepared to prioritise myself. I took help and asked for help.

First 12m were hard but i have a 3yr old and 16m now and its much easier.
My 2nd is just a delight and does complete our family.

I think you should get counselling to decide.
If you just want 1, you just just want 1.
If you are worried about 1 yr of your life but want 2 children... you should consider keeping it.

I had two born within a year and like you was terrified, we got an au pair who joined us about 6 weeks before baby no2 was born. It helped that I had another pair of hands to help with busy times, she’d help me bath them in the evening, I’d then do stories, get them to sleep and come down to a tidied living room and could just flop. It was a big help, but after about 6 months I was ready to go it alone. Honestly it was twice the work (which you can share) but also twice the joy and happiness. They’re young adults now and the best thing to ever happen to me.

Same happened to us. First IVF and second a complete shock. The timing was terrible in our case and we couldn’t talk about it for weeks but no regrets. 22 months between them. I personally couldn’t have considered abortion. This was possibly our only opportunity to have the family we wanted.

Hello, I will tell you a bit of my story. I had Three years old and one year-old at home And I felt pregnant, which I never thought will happen. I was already struggling because I was doing most of the housework and looking after the children by myself. My Husband was working a lot. Just to cut the story short we decide to have termination mostly because I was scared. I regret it very much. It was over 15 years ago. We have divorced not because of that, but I think that was a big contribution . When the years has passed he regret that termination to. I think you need to think about this what you are afraid of losing a clean house, Time for yourself ? I regret that because I knew I Should let it go of that petty things which I was thinking are important At that time And have the third child … As nothing can replace the emptiness and regret … Maybe ask your husband to be more involved with the child and housework ? My kids are teenagers, and I would love to have more of them . Best of luck with your choice It’s a difficult situation to be with , My heart goes to you x

Oh lovely that is such a difficult situation to be in. Before making your decision I would see if you can talk to a Counsellor who is experienced in birth trauma.

Birth Trauma UK have a list on their website