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Original poster

At what age did you realise your DD was masking?

30 replies

Mummabear04 · 21/06/2025 17:06

I was just wondering if anyone has a DD with autism or ADHD when they realised she was masking? Did you notice the signs before or was it in hindsight? What were the signs? Thanks.

OP posts:
MuchTooTired · 21/06/2025 17:18

I know my undiagnosed DD is adhd and have done since she was about 18m. She started masking when she started reception, so 3 years now. She’s a model pupil in school, absolute angel but a whirlwind nightmare outside of school. Of course, school don’t believe there’s any problems at all with her and refuse to refer her, GP refers me to the school, so really it’s a vicious circle of shit.

Her twin brother is currently being assessed for autism, the woman who’s assessing him was pretty interested in whether DD is autistic too but I’m not sure on that.

Original poster
Mummabear04 · 21/06/2025 17:39

MuchTooTired · 21/06/2025 17:18

I know my undiagnosed DD is adhd and have done since she was about 18m. She started masking when she started reception, so 3 years now. She’s a model pupil in school, absolute angel but a whirlwind nightmare outside of school. Of course, school don’t believe there’s any problems at all with her and refuse to refer her, GP refers me to the school, so really it’s a vicious circle of shit.

Her twin brother is currently being assessed for autism, the woman who’s assessing him was pretty interested in whether DD is autistic too but I’m not sure on that.

Can you explain when you say she's a whirlwind outside of school? How old is she now?

OP posts:
Fillyfrog · 21/06/2025 19:46

My DD has just been referred for autism and even though she's had a few signs over the years she always managed well. It's all gone to pot in year 6, the thought of changing to high school and such a massive change in routine has really affected her, it's made me realise she's probably been masking all these years x

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Anon4778 · 21/06/2025 19:54

14

Original poster
Mummabear04 · 21/06/2025 20:06

Fillyfrog · 21/06/2025 19:46

My DD has just been referred for autism and even though she's had a few signs over the years she always managed well. It's all gone to pot in year 6, the thought of changing to high school and such a massive change in routine has really affected her, it's made me realise she's probably been masking all these years x

Has there been certain things going on specifically that got her the referral? Do you notice any autistic traits now in hindsight?

OP posts:
DrMauraIsles · 21/06/2025 20:08

Puberty was when it was noticeable.she still masks really well outside the home to her own personal detriment.

She has had some help with her mental health which was suffering and I encourage her to be her true self, she said she wanted to be 'normal' whatever that is and I always say that's probably boring and what is normal anyway!

I noticed how anxious she was becoming, she developed an eating disorder, just so unhappy

We got help for the above and they thought she was autistic and so did I, referred and nearly at end of diagnosis

ohfook · 21/06/2025 20:13

I see a lot of the time that it all comes to a head I. Years 5 and 6. I have nothing to back it up, but I have a theory that the influx of hormones around puberty make masking a lot more difficult around that age.

Superscientist · 21/06/2025 20:16

Aside from masking we don't currently have neurodiversity concerns but noticed she masked around aged 2.5-3 at nursery. She won't show anyone aside from me or my partner that's she's ill or hurt and struggles to get her needs addressed at school she's coming to the end of reception. It's been difficult to get her communication issues recognised at school as she is happy to make superficial communication but won't communicate anything more vulnerable.
She's so good at masking that the school has raised neurodiversity and that they will be keeping an eye on her from this perspective as she goes through school although as I said currently the only sign is masking.

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 21/06/2025 20:19

Not until the wheels fell off at 16/17. She was an amazing masker and still is when need be. However lots of anxiety and trauma now. I wish we knew earlier xx

HungreeHipp0 · 21/06/2025 20:24

We 'knew' from the age 2 or 3 when she started nursery. She's 9 now and has been on the waiting list for a year. It was difficult to get to this point.

MrsOosh77 · 21/06/2025 20:37

You can self refer to CAMHS. There are some really useful statements to consider in the SEND behaviour handbook from Beacon that might help with wording your referral.

beaconschoolsupport.co.uk/send-handbook

BreakingBroken · 21/06/2025 20:59

grand daughter is undiagnosed for add, most noticeable when 10 and needing to prep for 11+ exams. her father has significant add, brother adhd, along with two uncles. she's aware and at this point not interested in tx.

Becs258 · 21/06/2025 21:12

Around 13/14 I think.

Pyramyth · 21/06/2025 21:13

MuchTooTired · 21/06/2025 17:18

I know my undiagnosed DD is adhd and have done since she was about 18m. She started masking when she started reception, so 3 years now. She’s a model pupil in school, absolute angel but a whirlwind nightmare outside of school. Of course, school don’t believe there’s any problems at all with her and refuse to refer her, GP refers me to the school, so really it’s a vicious circle of shit.

Her twin brother is currently being assessed for autism, the woman who’s assessing him was pretty interested in whether DD is autistic too but I’m not sure on that.

Did the school not believe or did they just have nothing to report? You can only put on a form what you observe, and if all problematic behaviours are masked then the school has its hands tied. It seems an inherent flaw in the system.

Hunkyd0ry · 21/06/2025 21:13

I started to have suspicions when she was in year 2. But teacher didn’t agree. Then things started to get harder for her, the masking wasn’t enough and the teacher changed their opinon. She’s in year 3 now and been diagnosed with both ASD and ADHD.

Looking back there were lots of signs (bouncing, hand flapping, special interests, difficulties sleeping etc).

She masks a lot at school and even at home, sometimes she has a huge meltdown and then says she’s been keeping it inside because that what she does at school.

PurpleThistle7 · 21/06/2025 22:11

I always knew she was masking - from really early on. But I don’t think I really understood the extent of it until 10/11 or so (she’s 12.5 now) as she could tell me herself. She’s amazing at it so while I could usually guess, I now know it’s even more than what I knew.

doggybootcamp · 21/06/2025 22:18

11/12 but some signs beforehand

hyggetyggedotorg · 21/06/2025 22:23

11 in Year 7 when she absolutely could not deal with transition from primary to secondary . School disagreed & she’s now 14 & undiagnosed. Her eldest brother was diagnosed at 4. There’s still a massive disadvantage to being a girl with symptoms in ASD in that you’re much less likely to be diagnosed.

Original poster
Mummabear04 · 21/06/2025 22:57

Superscientist · 21/06/2025 20:16

Aside from masking we don't currently have neurodiversity concerns but noticed she masked around aged 2.5-3 at nursery. She won't show anyone aside from me or my partner that's she's ill or hurt and struggles to get her needs addressed at school she's coming to the end of reception. It's been difficult to get her communication issues recognised at school as she is happy to make superficial communication but won't communicate anything more vulnerable.
She's so good at masking that the school has raised neurodiversity and that they will be keeping an eye on her from this perspective as she goes through school although as I said currently the only sign is masking.

My DD was/still is to some extent like this if she gets hurt or is ill. The nursery always flagged it up to me that they thought she had hurt herself but she would always say she was fine to them. Does your DC still do this? I thought mine had grown out of it but there was an incident today that she totally freaked out at. Basically she has a sore toe nail and wouldn't let me look once DH asked what was wrong and then she became the centre of attention.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummabear04 · 21/06/2025 23:01

DrMauraIsles · 21/06/2025 20:08

Puberty was when it was noticeable.she still masks really well outside the home to her own personal detriment.

She has had some help with her mental health which was suffering and I encourage her to be her true self, she said she wanted to be 'normal' whatever that is and I always say that's probably boring and what is normal anyway!

I noticed how anxious she was becoming, she developed an eating disorder, just so unhappy

We got help for the above and they thought she was autistic and so did I, referred and nearly at end of diagnosis

Was she anxious as a younger child? Or did it come on suddenly? Just asking because my DD has episodes where her anxiety can spike and I can't quite figure out if its normal, if it's because I'm not handling it very well or if it's something else going on. She's 5 years old so it's hard to tell but I am quite worried about her. If she is a bit upset already and gets something wrong she will hit herself. I'm actually very upset about this now I'm writing it down...

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummabear04 · 21/06/2025 23:01

PurpleThistle7 · 21/06/2025 22:11

I always knew she was masking - from really early on. But I don’t think I really understood the extent of it until 10/11 or so (she’s 12.5 now) as she could tell me herself. She’s amazing at it so while I could usually guess, I now know it’s even more than what I knew.

How did you know she was always masking though? What gave it away to you?

OP posts:
DrMauraIsles · 21/06/2025 23:14

She was very clingy as a younger child but wouldn't say very anxious, she was hard on herself though, set high standards for herself (still does now) has a great sense of what she deems right, doesnt tolerate people's unacceptable behaviour, very hard as she's a teenager now! Lockdown was when the anxiety kicked in

Toetapper · 21/06/2025 23:26

We had no idea until our DD was 15 and became very ill with OCD. A clinical psychologist suggested she might be autistic. She was diagnosed four / five years ago now. Looking back many signs were there. Anxious, quiet, a ‘watcher’, very serious, lots of physical stims, sensory issues. We didn’t see it as we thought she was just ‘sensitive’ - much like me and her dad. Her younger sister was diagnosed about three years ago age 13. We thought ADHD as she was so active. Nope, autistic too. Very different to her sister. Few social boundaries, very extrovert, different sensory issues (clothing, touch) and fussier with food.

PurpleThistle7 · 22/06/2025 06:53

Mummabear04 · 21/06/2025 23:01

How did you know she was always masking though? What gave it away to you?

Show quote history

She was (and is) perfect around anyone who doesn’t live with us. She also has selective mutism so would often sit there silently, doing exactly as she was told. Then come home and fall apart. Massive tantrums, etc. She’d say things like ‘I just have to do what everyone else does.’ ‘I watch so I know what to think’ and other things in that theme. She was a watcher from birth, spent every birthday party on my lap for years, would visibly tense up or panic if something unexpected or new happened.

She read a book about a girl with autism when she was maybe 9 and was so happy ‘to read about someone like me’. And that’s when we started going down the neurodiversity pathway. Once we both read more it just clicked. And since learning more and finding out she’s not the only person like this, she’s been much more open (with me) and responsive.

Superscientist · 22/06/2025 08:42

Mummabear04 · 21/06/2025 22:57

My DD was/still is to some extent like this if she gets hurt or is ill. The nursery always flagged it up to me that they thought she had hurt herself but she would always say she was fine to them. Does your DC still do this? I thought mine had grown out of it but there was an incident today that she totally freaked out at. Basically she has a sore toe nail and wouldn't let me look once DH asked what was wrong and then she became the centre of attention.

Show quote history

Yes she does, she's not quite 5 though so still quite young.

She has health issues that means she gets stomach ache quite easily. She won't tell school ever that's she's in pain. Quite often she only tells us the next day when she's no longer in pain or a bed time.

We have toileting issues at school too as she can only ask 2 of the 6 members of staff in her classroom for the toilet and then can't tell any of them if she has had an accident.

She's been only sent home from school once for being ill and that was when she actually vomited in class but we have had a several times when she has come home saying she's felt poorly and struggled with staying in school and probably should have been sent home.

Another time her water bottle broke and she couldn't open it so she went all day without a drink.

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