Sons GF has been disowned by her parents

[Fraggeek]

My son (17) has a girlfriend (16) who come from a family who are at minimum verbally abusive and at home have placed heavy restrictions on what she can and can't do to the very extreme including not allowing her to eat for several days at a time. I obviously don't want to go into too much depth as it could be outting.

Long story short after police involvement her parents have washed their hands of her. Her mother has told me she doesn't have the time with a toddler to be dealing with her and she is no longer welcome back

I'm just after any advice on how we now move forward in this situation. I am happy for her to remain with us. The plan is she will start college locally and she also wants to get a part time job. Her parents will not support her financially and whilst we can, I didn't know if there was anything we're able to sort with regards to financial help in these circumstances.

Also, at 16 is there anything other than medical emergencies I need to be aware of that would require parental consent? I know you can apply for a special guardianship order but that obviously takes time and may not be necessary given her age.

I guess we're just looking for advice from others who have been in a similar position. Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated. Especially as this has all happened extremely fast.

Thank you!

Social services aren't likely to financially support you. They haven't placed her with you, you aren't fostering her so there is no obligation on them to financially support. Teenagers live with people other than their parents all the time and social services don't have the financial means to support every such arrangement. She could definitely claim universal credit but would need to use that for her life expenses - travel, phone etc - you could/should ask for a contribution towards her food and board but she won't be able to give you a lot because she won't get a lot.
Once the social worker gets in touch I would ask them for a joint housing assessment and be clear that she can't live with you as a long term arrangement (you really can't commit to that since they are likely to break up at some point and you can't have her living with you when that happens). The LA have a duty to assess her housing and social care needs and if necessary they should accommodate her.
At 16 she can consent to medical treatment and pretty much everything so you don't need to worry about PR.

I know this doesn’t answer your question OP but what will you do when you have to choose between supporting her or your son. Surely it’s better for a long term solution now than to have to change again when the relationship breaks down. You are being very kind and I would continue to support her in the very short term but this is not fair on your son.

I am an adopter and know a lot of adopters with extremely challenging teenagers and one of the situations that crops up a lot is where some other adult- a relative, neighbour, parent of one of their friends - thinks they can parent this yp better and turn the situation round. All goes well at first but it never lasts.

It is quite possible OP is going to get fingers burned here. Saving other people is like the phrase "a good deed never goes unpunished".

It’s admirable and good for you to do temporarily but the pressure on those two to remain a couple may be too great. If she was a friend that would be completely different.

💐

Honestly, whilst your plan is obviously very kind, it really isn't the best solution for all concerned. You cannot dismiss the scenario of your DS and her breaking up. At their age, it will cause massive issues. Firstly, your DS could feel very guilty if he wants to split up but can’t as she is living in the same house as him. Conversely, she could want to split up but can’t as she would likely lose the roof over her head. Just imagine they DO split and your DS gets another girlfriend - hes not going to be able to bring her to his house where his ex still lives is he?
I would say you should offer her temporary accommodation for, say, a month. During this time, you support her in finding her own accommodation with the help of Social Services.
In trying to solve her immediate problems, you are opening up a whole other can of worms.

I’ve had this recently with my nephew. He was 17 so made things a lot harder, so if you are going to do this long term you need to act now before she reaches 17.

You need to contact social services and advise them of the situation, but bear in mind this will have serious repocussions for the child left behind at home. In my instance, no other family were willing to have him and tbh social were falling over themselves to pay me £100 a week to keep him. But I had no spare room and two teenage daughters myself so it wasn’t ideal. Trying to deal with his emotions were hard too, a mum who had thrown him out and a dad who didn’t want him as it “wasn’t convenient”. He was with me for about 6 months, rapidly approaching 18 when there is literally NO help, especially for boys.

Eventually I forced SS hand by saying I couldn’t have him anymore which then invoked the Section 20 which meant they had to find him accommodation. And it’s the best thing to ever happen to him. He’s in supported living who have helped his mental health, support him looking for work, and also provide a warm and stable environment.

So I know you’re saying you can have her now, but you do need to think long term and getting SS on your side is crucial.

Offer her support and guidance but do not do this to your son. This is a teen relationship unlikely to last - as it should be. To have her move in and force her to become a permanent fixture in his life is really unfair and unwise. Despite how he might feel now.

This it is putting huge pressure on both of them to stay together

Looking ahead, if she plans to go to university, she might get extra support/a contextual offer if she is estranged from her parents.

3 adult children now and I have been in this situation more than once! The longest term guest ( 16 and kicked out by parents) I received payment from LA for which helped with extras for her. The last time was a partner ( 17) and I made it clear it was temporary, they were able to go to a more suitable ( also family arrangement) as I didn't want it to put pressure on the r'ship or my child. I talked to them about this and they agreed.
It's great that there are caring adults and safe homes for when this happens.

Why?
My husband is an only child. My only sibling lives in Australia. We don't have family locally. I've got one cousin 2 hours away who already has 3 DC.

OP please talk to Children's services who can advise. You sound amazing

Thank you everyone for the replies.

Just to answer a few questions. She has no other family in this country, so that's not an option.

I have had conversations with my son and we have an agreement. He's very sensible and level headed. We do have room to accommodate her elsewhere.

That being said I will be speaking to children's services. I think having her long term could throw up a few issues. Many of them covered in this thread. I think I've been coming at this from a very blinkered point of view. I had a traumatic childhood as a child and going in to this all I've been thinking is "if only someone had rescued me" without looking at the wider implications.

So we're allowing them some down time over the next couple of weeks, just to recover from everything that happened which caused the police to be involved. Then we'll move forward with a fresh plan.

Thank you all for your comments.

I know you say you’re allowing for some down time, but timing really is of the essence. The older she gets, the harder it is to get support. Please call social services on Monday.

I would contact children's social care
I think at 16. She's technically homeless but you have taken her in as a private fiostering arrangemtvand they need to know and support

You can claim child benefit, you don’t need a special guardianship. Won’t be straight forward. The parents shouldn’t be claiming anymore as not supporting child.

I think I'd advise caution. Saying your parents are treating you badly/starving you is surprisingly common in troubled teens. Behaviour gets to the point where parents wash their hands of it and say crack on. I'd put money on there being more to it tbh.

I really wouldn't take her in. Support her all you want but she needs SS to step in here tbh. You're going to end up with burnt fingers.

I would get advice ASAP. There are lots of benefits of going into care but you can age out.

Does she have her own room at your place?

Kind of you to do but your sons only 17, this relationship isnt likely to last and youve now put a hell of a lot of pressure on him to stay with her. Bad move.

You would need a Child Arrangements Order at minimum though wouldnt you?

You can apply for a family court hearing for this on gov.uk and the court will order a CAFCASS report that will confirm parents position etc.

Im not sure with you is the right thing to be doing for yiur son though, puts him under enormous pressure. Is there an aunt or family member that you could help her get settled with?

Sorry just seen no other family.

Yes, you can check gov.uk. Only problem is if she receives payment from LA. I put the question on gov.uk