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Original poster

Sons GF has been disowned by her parents

73 replies

Fraggeek · 20/06/2025 12:17

My son (17) has a girlfriend (16) who come from a family who are at minimum verbally abusive and at home have placed heavy restrictions on what she can and can't do to the very extreme including not allowing her to eat for several days at a time. I obviously don't want to go into too much depth as it could be outting.

Long story short after police involvement her parents have washed their hands of her. Her mother has told me she doesn't have the time with a toddler to be dealing with her and she is no longer welcome back

I'm just after any advice on how we now move forward in this situation. I am happy for her to remain with us. The plan is she will start college locally and she also wants to get a part time job. Her parents will not support her financially and whilst we can, I didn't know if there was anything we're able to sort with regards to financial help in these circumstances.

Also, at 16 is there anything other than medical emergencies I need to be aware of that would require parental consent? I know you can apply for a special guardianship order but that obviously takes time and may not be necessary given her age.

I guess we're just looking for advice from others who have been in a similar position. Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated. Especially as this has all happened extremely fast.

Thank you!

OP posts:
jamanbutter · 20/06/2025 20:38

You are a kind soul OP

KurtShirty · 20/06/2025 21:15

jamanbutter · 20/06/2025 20:38

You are a kind soul OP

Second this

Vitrolinsanity · 20/06/2025 21:25

What will you do when she or DS call time on their relationship? I can see why you want to help, but this could end in total calamity so easily.

I have a friend in the same situation. Everyone loves each other, and she’s a breath of fresh air in their house. The daughter she never had. The entire time I’m listening I’m having conniptions.

ItDoesntHaveToBeASnowman · 20/06/2025 21:29

You’re very kind but I wouldn’t be doing this.

It’s shite for her and I would help her in any other way that I could. But letting her move in, at that very young age, is not in your son’s best interests. And you need to put his interests first.

Arran2024 · 20/06/2025 21:30

There are significant services available to care leavers - you might want to look into this with her and see if having her go into care would work out better for her in the longer term. These are good resources

https://coramvoice.org.uk/myrights/my-rights-when-i-am-leaving-care/am-i-a-care-leaver/

https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/support-for-young-people/leaving-care/financial-support

Am I a care leaver? - Coram Voice

https://coramvoice.org.uk/myrights/my-rights-when-i-am-leaving-care/am-i-a-care-leaver/

Arumtitum · 20/06/2025 21:31

They can get support and help from the system if they're registered. A dc in care gets help with housing, education and emotional support, therapy. You are not equipped to do this. Please get this young person in the system. You can still be involved but please help her by doing the right thing.

myrtle70 · 20/06/2025 21:45

Also have a look at kinship charity for advice and Buttle Trust which offers some financial grants eg for education equipment, therapy etc

MoominUnderWater · 20/06/2025 21:47

You are putting her and also to some extent your son in a position where they may feel they need to continue the relationship even if they didn’t want to. She will feel her housing is dependent on still being in a relationship with your son. Please don’t put her in this position. They’re far too young.

Blueberry911 · 20/06/2025 21:56

This is very kind, but this isn't in the best interest of your son. They are so young. They shouldn't be living together at this age, especially in a situation where neither of them has an easy out. For all the reasons PPs have said. This is a truly bad idea.

kkneat · 20/06/2025 22:19

She should be able to claim universal credit in her own right as she is estranged from her parents. You can contact children’s services but if you are happy to have her it’ll be regarded as a private arrangement. What will happen if the relationship ends?

Fingernailbiter · 20/06/2025 22:26

I appreciate that you are doing this with the best of intentions, but imo it’s a big mistake.

What if your son wanted to break up with her after a few months, as would be quite likely with a girlfriend at that age? How could he? You are tying him to her for the foreseeable future. It’s not fair.

And tbh I doubt if the true picture of her and her parents is as black and white as you are suggesting. What if she started displaying behaviour you found unacceptable? Would you feel able to throw her out?

Don’t do it. Speak to Soc Services.

Toddlerteaplease · 20/06/2025 22:45

Do not move her in. Forcing your son into a more intense relationship at 16 is not a great idea. What if he wants to end the relationship. Or she does? They are both trapped. Speak to social care. Let them sort it out.

Getheregetthere · 20/06/2025 22:54

I think she is going to need longer term support and you stepping in here ad hoc might deprive her of support for uni. I think you can still give her a tonne of support after involving SS.

uncomfortablydumb60 · 20/06/2025 22:57

You are a very kind soul but my view is this will be too much for both you and your DS's relationship with her.
slight parallel with my own DS, who was housed by the council at the request of Social services( he was physically abusive to his younger brothers) So I think you need to contact SS urgently ( duty social worker to get her into the system)
it's best she is housed and they can then continue the relationship at its own pace
There is a pathway for care leavers which involves shared accommodation before moving on to their own place
My DS was housed at 16

Florally · 20/06/2025 23:06

You are so so kind but please don’t do this.

Your son (and her) will be stuck together and intensify the relationship.

This happened to a sibling of mine with my parents being very kind and long story short they had a son very young. They are now not together and my parents basically support all three of them. And it is hard and it is a Nightmare. So much stress.

And my nephew is also a nightmare.

(not trying to be rude, he is. This was some years ago)

Tbry24 · 20/06/2025 23:11

You need to do what’s best for your son and it won’t be this. The girl must have other family so that’s where she needs to be.

When I was a teenager one of my siblings had a friend move in as not getting on with other parent. It was dreadful, especially as my parent was not great and I was brought up in a very toxic environment but suddenly they were deemed as a great parent. It made it much worse. I was accused of all sorts, for example stealing things, taking alcohol etc etc etc. Things I would never have done. I also never got much food and it was split another way so even less. I was kicked out at 17 probably linked to this even though it was all nothing to do with me. So my advice is as a parent prioritise your own children not someone else’s however harsh that sounds.

PollyBell · 20/06/2025 23:15

What happens if they break up?

Thinlyveiled · 20/06/2025 23:23

I agree with most people that it would be a big mistake . Contact social services and see what they can offer. You can still be there to help and support her as a responsible adult but you need to think about all the ramifications.

saraclara · 20/06/2025 23:26

You mean well, but I think this is a mistake. It's all very well saying that you've come to an agreement with your son about if they break up, but he's 16! He has no concept of the emotional fall out of a relationship break up.
He probably thinks he'll be fine living with her if she dumps him, but the reality could be awful. Likewise if he dumps her you're going to have a sobbing child who your son is desperate to avoid in his own house.

An agreement made in complete ignorance is worth nothing.

Whatveudone4melately · 20/06/2025 23:28

babystarsandmoon · 20/06/2025 19:42

She must have other family she can stay with.

Not necessarily. Even if she did have other family that would take her in they may live in a completely different part of the country or abroad.

Soonenough · 20/06/2025 23:39

I think it is a great thing for her that you are so interested and supportive. My son had a mate that at 14 I wish I had somehow been able to do this for . Toxic family and he was still just a kid . Ended up homeless and a drifter . He sometimes came to my door and I fed him , let him stay overnight , gave him some money but by then he was into drugs . Tragically he died just 26 .
I often wonder if intervention would have helped. You have been given great advice here and I hope you can get some good information about what is best.

Apudebeaumarchet · 20/06/2025 23:41

PollyBell · 20/06/2025 23:15

What happens if they break up?

Or stay together in what could be a very dysfunctional relationship.
Almost every time I’ve heard of a similar situation, the girl has gotten pregnant in the next few years.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 21/06/2025 03:34

I faced a very similar situation with one of my sons. His gf's parents weren't as directly abusive but they were very unkind.

I talked it over with them both and made sure my son knew that if the relationship ended he would have to tolerate her living with us until alternative accommodation could be arranged. He's a very calm, chilled boy and I could trust him - and her.

She lived with us until she went to university when she would come back for the holidays. They split up a year after graduation. She told me she would always be grateful to me.

There were various ups and downs but I can't post forever. I'v never regretted my decision q

petsarebetterfriends · 21/06/2025 03:45

Not saying it's not true but, on the basis of experience, I would be very careful with what she is telling you about the home situation. It might be very different to the picture she is painting.

I would support her but I wouldn't put her up myself more than very short term. I don't think that is in the best interests of your son.