Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

I’ve failed

58 replies

Chariotballs · 13/06/2025 22:04

I feel like such a failure. My kids are so rude, ungrateful and disrespectful. They bully me and it’s degrading. I can’t help thinking it’s too late..I’ve failed in my most important job. I know I can’t give up but every day I feel like running away. They’re all fine ‘on the outside’ but my 13 year old bullies his sisters and me, believes he’s an adult and should be allowed do whatever he likes, never does what I ask him to do. My 11 yr old bullies her little sister, copying the behaviour she gets dealt by her brother. She tells me she hates me and never does what I ask. The little one is only 4 but I can already see her copying big sister and brother in the way she speaks to me. They all spend too much time on screens of course.
hindsight is a great thing..yes I obviously didn’t set clear enough boundaries, I wasn’t consistent in my application of rules, I wasn’t modelling the right behaviour. I have failed as a mum and I’ve failed them. Thing is I think I try hard to be a good mum, so realising how badly I’ve done is really hard. Please help me with advice on where I go from here. I can’t turn the clock back to when they were younger and more malleable. The bad habits I’ve facilitated are ingrained now. I’m crying writing this as tonight I watched a tv show with 13 and 11 yr old and when at 9.30 I said ok time for bed, 13 yr old had a meltdown as he wanted to watch more, and by meltdown I mean shouting, using his height and bulk to intimidate me. He was so angry that he kicked his football in the kitchen so hard that it broke 4 yr olds play kitchen.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
SharpLily · 19/06/2025 11:52

I don't think removing the phone on a permanent basis is the solution to anything because the fact is that they are a part of normal, everyday life these days. However I would remove temporarily as a part of consequences for bad behaviour, on the basis that it can easily be earned back with good behaviour. It doesn't have to be the phone, the approach applies to anything the child values - certain trainers/clothes, games consoles etc. If you're trying to set boundaries and teach the concept that actions have consequences, this is the easiest and usually most effective way to do it.

Example: child is rude. You don't scream and shout, you are calm. You explain what the child has done wrong and you remove phone. Explain what's going to happen. Insist upon good behaviour and the completion of household chores, maybe emptying the dishwasher. Child behaves and does their jobs, phone is returned. You can set timescales of perhaps three days. If child doesn't comply and bad behaviour continues, phone is not returned and you then remove something else child values. Carry on until child realises there's no benefit to them in misbehaving.

Of course it wouldn't be a one time thing. You will have to rinse and repeat regularly until child grasps that you are serious, and maybe extend the punishment time with continued infringements, from three days to four, five etc.

Similarly, go out of your way to praise and reward good behaviour.

I'm not a good parent. I have a temper which I work really hard at controlling because having to deal with my own temper upsets me, never mind the target of it. However I am a much better dog parent than child parent so I've got into the habit of using dog training on my children. Many people seem to desperately disapprove of this and think I'm nuts, but my children are actually very well behaved. I don't say it to boast because it definitely surprises me - sometimes I wonder if they're even mine or have been switched at birth!

I certainly wasn't that well behaved but looking back at our house growing up, there was no consistency or pattern to rules or punishments. I never knew what was fair and unfair or how my parents would react to certain behaviours. I felt very insecure and didn't really trust my parents because of it. I've been determined to do it differently with my own and while I do fuck up on occasion, I'm very clear on discipline and my husband has learned we have to be consistent on it - I used to have to regularly remind him that we never threaten things we're not prepared to follow through on. In terms of removing privileges he had a habit of saying things like "...or we'll cancel your birthday party!". To me this wouldn't work because we've paid for the bloody thing and invited everyone, so there's no way I'm cancelling it! But to threaten and then not follow through damages the process, so we make sure now that if we threaten a consequence, we absolutely follow through with it. Again, the consequences have to be reasonable, proportionate and actionable.

I don't mean to make it sound like our children live in a boot camp but I think they feel secure knowing the 'rules' and the system. These days with my eldest I very rarely have to threaten anything. If she starts pushing the boundaries I can usually just give a very stern look and she knows what's coming and that compliance is what's best for her! Ultimately children, like the rest of us, are self-serving creatures and while they do want to explore boundaries, they also want their privileges and in most cases will do what they need to make sure they get them.

SharpLily · 19/06/2025 11:55

Btw, I don't mean to sound smug. We might have a good handle on discipline and behaviour in general but it doesn't mean we don't have plenty of other parenting problems!

You are most certainly not a failure.

Oh and of course none of my advice necessarily applies if the bad behaviour isn't just boundary testing and is caused by something else - some kind of neurodiversity or emotional problem. If the child is acting out because of some hidden problem like bullying at school, for example. If that's the case then the cause of the problem needs to be dealt with rather than the symptoms.

MumChp · 19/06/2025 11:58

idiot53684645 · 13/06/2025 22:47

I'm gonna get flamed for this but I would honestly leave.

You would leave 3 under 18 yo on their own? How long?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

MumChp · 19/06/2025 12:02

I would sit DH, myself and a professionel and work out how to handle things. You need to have a plan and be on the same level.

Neemie · 19/06/2025 12:32

One thing that can help is to focus on the positives. If they think you are fed up with them then they have nothing to lose by being foul.

Try to spend time with them individually and leave the other two with DH. Instead of banning phones for the older two, use phones in a more positive way. Text nice things to them: funny memes, suggestions for things you want to watch with them, praise for a good school report etc. Basically try to shift your relationship from a negative to a more positive one. Increase expectations in a nice way. Ask if they have any dinner suggestions, check if they need anything from the shop when you are heading out. Ask them their views on stuff that they are interested in. Ask them about their school day. Treat them with respect and expect them to be more mature. Act as if they are your favourite people in the world. It might not work but it certainly won’t do any harm.

Dominicus · 19/06/2025 12:39

The one thing I’ve been consistent with is the message that screens are for downtime when all homework and chores are done. It’s never the priority.
Of course that message isn’t always listened to with teens but because I’ve gone on about it so much, I hope it’s embedded in their psyche somewhat.
It also enables me to say “Screens? Have you done your history and biology yet? Don’t forget to tidy your room and put your laundry away then you can go on your screens”

Superscientist · 19/06/2025 12:44

You seem quite fearful of doing something that would lead to responses from your children. I wonder if this has been a contributing factor, letting behaviours slide as you have been fearful of the consequences of pulling them up on the behaviours. Continuing with this mindset will just keep you in this situation.
It might be worth doing some thinking about these thoughts, where they have come from and what does this mindset mean to you

SleepQuest33 · 19/06/2025 13:45

Op, all I will say is that it’s not too late!
but yes, you need to take action now particularly as the 13 year old will be impossible to manage within a couple of years.

whatever approach you decide to follow, they key is:
1- consistency (even if you’re tired!)
2- dh and you need to be a team and back each other up
3- don’t lose your temper, even if you’re fed up! Model the behaviour you want.

this parenting thing is not easy!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page