I’ve failed

[Chariotballs]

I feel like such a failure. My kids are so rude, ungrateful and disrespectful. They bully me and it’s degrading. I can’t help thinking it’s too late..I’ve failed in my most important job. I know I can’t give up but every day I feel like running away. They’re all fine ‘on the outside’ but my 13 year old bullies his sisters and me, believes he’s an adult and should be allowed do whatever he likes, never does what I ask him to do. My 11 yr old bullies her little sister, copying the behaviour she gets dealt by her brother. She tells me she hates me and never does what I ask. The little one is only 4 but I can already see her copying big sister and brother in the way she speaks to me. They all spend too much time on screens of course.
hindsight is a great thing..yes I obviously didn’t set clear enough boundaries, I wasn’t consistent in my application of rules, I wasn’t modelling the right behaviour. I have failed as a mum and I’ve failed them. Thing is I think I try hard to be a good mum, so realising how badly I’ve done is really hard. Please help me with advice on where I go from here. I can’t turn the clock back to when they were younger and more malleable. The bad habits I’ve facilitated are ingrained now. I’m crying writing this as tonight I watched a tv show with 13 and 11 yr old and when at 9.30 I said ok time for bed, 13 yr old had a meltdown as he wanted to watch more, and by meltdown I mean shouting, using his height and bulk to intimidate me. He was so angry that he kicked his football in the kitchen so hard that it broke 4 yr olds play kitchen.

Get rid of the tech and sign them up to some sports. Maybe martial arts.

That sounds like a hard situation and I sympathise. If it’s any consolation, I constantly feel I’ve failed as a parent - I think it’s natural to feel like that. I wonder if tomorrow it’s worth sitting down to talk calmly to your 13 year old about tonight’s incident and how it wasn’t acceptable and how you could try to avoid something like that again. He needs to understand the consequences of his actions (broken) toy, but it’s really important to not let the conversation escalate and to help him come up with solutions. Good luck!

It might be that you’re just having a bad week where everyone is kicking off a bit. Maybe the siblings are bringing out the worst in each other.

You might have a week next week when they are all getting on much better and the family feels more cohesive.

I don’t mean to minimise any of the issues you’ve raised and it sounds like you would benefit from stronger boundaries in the family. But I also think most families feel a bit like this from time to time. And often things can turn a corner.

Get in touch with your local parenting/family support group next week - if you don't have details ask your school/your youngest's HV. You don't mention your children's father so it's not clear if you're the only parent?

Your feelings and the fact you recognise things that you could have done better shows you love and care for them. It's not too late.

You say 'of course' they have too much screen time. Why of course? Why is it inevitable? That's an easy thing to take control of - remove devices/turn off internet if necessary. Agree with PP - get them involved in sports/clubs/out of house activities.

It's normal for children to test/push boundaries. Being firm and sticking to those boundaries is often the harder path to take in the short term. Of course it's easier to let kids stay up/watch TV etc but in my mind parenting is all about playing the long game.

It’s not too late. They are all cocksure and confident at 14 but they are still children underneath. You can get back control if you hold your nerve.

Turn off the WiFi. Walk away when they are kicking off and then dish out the consequence when they are calmer. Don't feed the poor behaviour with too much attention whilst it's happening. Write a list of ground rules e g. No name calling, no violence, no damage to property. Then make consequences clear e.g loss of phone for a day. Don't get emotional or reactive when they are lashing out. Remain calm, consistent and make sure consequences are measured and fair.

This sounds very difficult. Where is their dad in all this?

I'm gonna get flamed for this but I would honestly leave.

It’s not too late to make changes. Speak with your youngest’s school and ask them to arrange a parenting course for you around managing challenging behaviour.

You havent failed but it does sound like you recognise there's an issue to address.

Honestly?
All electronic devices would be gone like gone gone forever and there would be consequences for bullying etc.
I'd get a behaviour board and go from there. (This is basically standards everyone in house must adhere to
No shouting
No hitting / kicking
No bullying
No swearing

If you break a rule you get a consequence (this applies to adults and kids) repeated results in 24 hr media and social blackout no tv no friends or parties.

The only tech I'd leave is tv and that would be controlled via turning WiFi off.

If you can afford it I'd also consider getting some professional support in implementing a parenting reset.

Question: Where is their father? What's his involvement.

Digital detox. No screens for anyone. You model this. Family tv show together of an evening. Or cards or a board game. But hold your nerve. Look for ways to connect with one another. You will have to be so so strong during this period of transition.

Think of their behaviour in zones. And do this for each child.

green- all good. What does that look like? What do they enjoy? What are they good at? Write them down for each child

orange- things are just starting to bubble- why is tha? What are any little triggers. Write them down for each child

red- wheels have fallen off- meltdown. What does that look like? How long does it last? What did you do to keep them and you safe?

blue- returning to calm- after the red how does that happen how long does it take? It will take at least one hour and usually more for a child to fully return to “normal”

what are your expectations for each child and your boundaries?

for example.

breakfast- we all eat at the table together. Toast and cereal and fruit are offered. If that’s met with unhappiness then the food is left there for them to take or they will be able to have more food at lunch time. No alternative is given and no special meals made for individuals.

after school- bags and lunchboxes are emptied ready for the next day. If this request is met with refusal. Accept the refusal- “I can see this is hard for you. I notice you’re getting angry”. Aknowledge their anger and accept it. Pause. Wait and see what happens.

Thank you all for your helpful replies.
They do a lot of sports and clubs. We could maybe fit in more but honestly already it’s so expensive and logistically difficult to get them all to the right club at the right time.

@pitterypattery00 i suppose I say of course re screens because I can’t police their time 24/7..13yr old has a phone and is at home by himself sometimes while I bring the others to clubs etc. Yes I can hide the switch and phone and turn off WiFi but the tv is there, he knows how it works. I think unless you live in a house where there actually are no screens, it’s inevitable that kids will use them no?

To those asking about their Dad, yes he’s around but gone most of the time for work. I mostly wfh. I think when he’s home, he wants to relax so he’s happy to let them watch tv.

I really appreciate your replies. I’ve told their Dad we need to be strong and do a total reset of boundaries this weekend. We’ll see how it goes.

Also @idiot53684645 Where would you go and for how long? Who would look after them in your absence?

What works in our family is round the table discussions - we do smaller discussions everyday at the dinner table, but if we've veered off course as a family we'll have a bigger discussion about how we are living, how we would like to live together, how we treat each other and set expectations - everyone gets heard and it re-sets us.

You can limit TV time on the device. We have it so when on our child’s profile, it turns off after whatever time we want it to (an hour, for example) and they don’t know the code so they can’t turn it on when we’re not home. We have no apps like YouTube on the TV, DC can’t access any of those.

Get your older child a brick phone and save the smart phone for when they’re older.

You have a father problem.

Family meeting time. Everyone agrees to new boundaries and consequences. A reset. By that, I mean everyone. Including Dad.

Op how does your dp respond when your eldest is shouting and using his height to intimidate you etc? Does it only happen when he’s not at home and if so, when you tell him what ds has done, what is his response?

Teens especially are unpredictable with moods, backchat, hormonal outbursts, but it sounds like ds is crossing a line now physically if he’s squaring up to you and trying to intimidate you with his height etc, anger issues are escalating and needs sorting out asap. Your 11 year old and youngest are still young enough to reset things yourself but imo I’d be looking for outside help with ds’s behaviour.

You’re not a failure btw, we all have times we feel that way, and the benefit of hindsight is a wonderful thing but at the time we’re just trying our best

I don't have advice that hasn't already been shared, I have one younger child so I've not been where you are. I just wanted to say it isn't too late. Making changes now will make a big difference to how enjoyable the summer holidays might be!

Thank you and @Toseland We did that this morning..although just me & kids. It was painful but hopefully it’ll work.
@Jerrypicker please elaborate and suggest how to address?
@flufffyyydog yes, we should have gotten him a brick phone in the first place. I’m not sure taking away his smart phone and replacing it with a brick is the right approach honestly. I still need to figure out what to do with 11 yr old as she’s constantly asking when she’s getting hers.
thanks re limited time on child’s profile. Our tv set up is confusing..there’s profiles in each app rather than for everything if you get me so maybe I can simplify that.

Thank you. Yes I think after our chat this morning I will be looking for outside help with my eldest.
i really am trying my best.
DP steps in when eldest gets out of line physically. He’s quite confrontational with my son which my son resents. So hard😔

You edited your original post and deleted the part about your husband. If I remember well, you said that when he comes home from work he just wants to relax and lets the children watch TV. I presume he’s not the only one who works, I guess you work too. (Though you are not mentioning if you do, or whether you’re a stay-at-home mum) So all the disciplining falls on you while is relaxing? Does he interact with the children in a meaningful way and in a disciplinarian capacity? He is a parent too and it sounds like he’s abandoned you.

I haven’t edited my original post or deleted anything. My post this morning said “To those asking about their Dad, yes he’s around but gone most of the time for work. I mostly wfh. I think when he’s home, he wants to relax so he’s happy to let them watch tv.” It’s still there for all to read.

You’re right, the majority of disciplining does fall to me, because I’m physically around more than he is. I don’t think he’s abandoned me..it’s hard to balance when one parent wfh and the other is gone most of the time. He doesn’t get the fullness of the picture that I have I suppose. And yes I know that means he doesn’t get the guilt and feelings of failure either. Inevitably, when he is here the children are easier to manage because there’s 2 adults sharing the tasks. Which is as it should be but equally it means he’s not exposed to what I have to put up with. I’m not sure what the solution is there. Maybe I need to wfh less? Which would entail getting a new job which is easier said than done.

Sorry, you are right, you mentioned the father in addition, further down, you didn’t delete the part about him.

Anyway…I’m not sure if it’s a question whether you work from home or not. If you worked elsewhere, how would you arrange child supervision while both of you are out of the house? Would the older children look after the little one till one of you returns home from work? They are already bullying the LO so it would be worse. At least when you are there, you can always prevent this. I wouldn’t trust an aggressive older child to be left alone with younger children in a thousand years. Plus it would mean more television and screen time, as they wouldn’t bother to do anything else.

We did that this morning..although just me & kids. It was painful but hopefully it’ll work.

Where was your dh??? Does he work weekends?

I am a very un-authoritarian parent. Suspect some of the people on here would find me permissive. I don't think I am. I just proceed from assuming everyone wants to try their best and wants a positive relationship so you just need to continually track back to that. I know you've done family meeting reset. Well done.. (although as everyone else says it's not a family meeting if it doesn't involve Dad).

I wonder if you can have some 1 on 1 conversations at times they are calmer. Maybe when you are going to and from activities, pretty sure they also hate being out of control. Maybe talk to 13 year old about his triggers and how you can both head off. At this age me and DD had a safe word which was for 'this conversation has gone out of control and got us to a point I don't want to be at - can we do a reset'. No one needed to apologise or win, you just start again.

With DS who is a screen/ gaming fiend more about working out what he wanted phone/ screen for what to switch on what to switch off. So it was simplified and easier for him to manage. I switched off mobile data and didn't allow a lot of social media until 13 or so but they still had smartphones I am not sure you need to go full brick. Although up to about 12 he'd have to have regular two to three week screen/ gaming bans because coming away from a game was causing meltdowns which wasn't pleasant for either of us.