What would other parents do in this situation?

[ParentingHard]

I have a 14 year old child who is autistic I also have an 11 year old who isn’t, for a while now my 11 year old has been what I would say bullying my older child. He speaks to her like shit, calls her names, is rude to her, makes her perform for him, makes her do things for him like get him stuff instead of doing it himself, he winds her up so that she has horrible meltdowns which can include throwing and smashing things and gets her anxious and in a bad mood which makes it difficult to take her out, ive told him to stop doing this many many times but he continues and ignores me, it may stop for a small time. Anyway I’m at the end of my tether with it all can other parents tell me what they would do in this situation, he makes her cry every day making my days more difficult than they should be.

You'll need to do more one to one time with him. It's not easy, I know. I have 4dc and make sure I get time alone with each of them so they can confide in me if they need to talk.

Gosh I feel so sorry for your son. I agree with those who say there need to be clear boundaries around behaviour but this poor child is so jealous and frustrated. I’m so sorry there’s no respite available so you can spend one on one time with him. Is there any counselling available at school?

We do spend time just us but DD is still in the house but upstairs

Thanks his school have said he isn’t so I’m not sure he would get a diagnosis with them not backing it up but I will speak to them again.

Yes he has had some at school

When he starta doing this, what is the consequence and how quickly do you stop his behaviour once it has started?

If I’m in the room then straight away but sometimes I’m not I’m cooking, cleaning, hanging washing, on the toilet, in the bath etc so sometimes I can overhear him telling her to do it and come to stop him but it’s not always possible instantly and she sometimes enjoys people joining in when she’s singing which isn’t a problem it’s more when he is asking her to repeat things she doesn’t want to or asking her to repeat rude things.

It does sound like you should get him assessed. Hating school and social differences are signs.

Secondly, you need to make sure they aren't left unsupervised together. Take it back to toddler age and step in the second he starts to target her. He shouldn't be getting a chance to get her saying things over and over. He is getting some kind of fun from it, so you need to cut off the fun.

And how exactly would I manage to never leave them alone? That isn’t possible

I don't know your housing set up, but yes it is exactly what I would do. Literally I need the loo, so you need to be upstairs while your sister is downstairs as I can't trust you with her. I need to make dinner, so you stay where I can keep an eye on you. I wouldn't expect this would need to last long, few days to a week. The message should sink in pretty quickly. Also losing fun stuff if he does taunt her and extra time from you if he doesn't.

You have come here for advice as there is a problem. You need to try something different, whether what I suggest, or someone else. It must be exhausting for you with 3 (I think) kids, their dad not contributing and home educating. It will be short term pain, but the long term gain is worth it. I hope whatever you try helps.

Write down five bullet points of things you don’t want him to do around his sister. Simple language, spell it out. Call names, tell her to repeat things etc. colour these red. Write down five things he can do around his sister which she likes/promote positive interactions. Colour these green. And write five things he can do if he can’t do the positive things - help mum cook, play in his room, put on music with headphones. These are amber. Explain you need him to do green and amber things, and praise the hell out of him when he does. Praise him more or even reward him if he does green or amber things at times he is most stressed (like after school, I would guess)

You’re clearly a caring and dedicated parent and you’re doing a harder job than most, and doing it on your own. Your son’s got into a pattern of interacting with his sister in a certain negative way, and there’s a risk that you and him are getting into a negative pattern too. Try and inject a bit more positive stiuff, even though it feels like you’re rewarding him for stuff he should just know how to do. Maybe he doesn’t know, if he’s ND too.

Does your son have any access to social media?
His behaviour is very concerning and is much more than normal sibling fighting. It verges on toxic masculinity, where is it coming from?
Obviously his behaviour needs tackling but equally as important is finding out where it is coming from and tackling the causes.

Only Roblox like 90% of his class, he doesn’t have any sm accounts though no.

What I did with my children is something you've already said is impossible so not sure how much this will help, but I agree with the idea that this behaviour shows he can't be unsupervised for a time.

What I did was talk through how their behaviour was unacceptable, went through the silver rule discussion (silver rule - do not do to others what you would not like done to you, so a lot of 'would you like if someone did X to you, if not, why would be acceptable for you to do it to others), emphasise my job as parent is to keep them and their siblings in the home safe until they can do it themselves, and as they had proven they can't be trusted to do this yet, they had to remain supervised so I can keep everyone safe.

I had it so that for X amount of time, they had to be in the room with me at all times except to go to the toilet (and for horrible behaviour like this, I would absolutely have them sit on the step near the toilet while I went) and bed time (in the morning, they'd have to wait for me in their room). I did this for up to a week at a time and at the end, go over what they'd need to do going forward to re-earn and keep my trust and the trust of others they'd hurt.

Yes, it can be very awkward, but also I had some of my best conversations with my kids at around that age while we were essentially stuck in the same room. I stopped doing this, and didn't really have a need for it, when they were 13/14, but we would go back to those silver rule conversations.

Where is DS father? Is there a male role model in you life who can teach him how to treat women properly? Not acceptable at any level. Does he get plenty of your time and attention?

Could it be for attention? Is it possible that because of your eldest’s additional needs she gets more attention/time or at least it’s perceived that way by your son. Therefore when he treats her like this he is showing jealousy and gaining attention from you even if that is negative attention? Just a suggestion.

Possibly he feels that way due to her being home but I do try to set time aside for him and we play games together just us. His father is not involved.