What would other parents do in this situation?

[ParentingHard]

I have a 14 year old child who is autistic I also have an 11 year old who isn’t, for a while now my 11 year old has been what I would say bullying my older child. He speaks to her like shit, calls her names, is rude to her, makes her perform for him, makes her do things for him like get him stuff instead of doing it himself, he winds her up so that she has horrible meltdowns which can include throwing and smashing things and gets her anxious and in a bad mood which makes it difficult to take her out, ive told him to stop doing this many many times but he continues and ignores me, it may stop for a small time. Anyway I’m at the end of my tether with it all can other parents tell me what they would do in this situation, he makes her cry every day making my days more difficult than they should be.

That sounds horrific. Home should be a safe place for your daughter. I'd be removing all privileges - no devices, grounded etc. I'd also be having a long talk with him, not just about how unacceptable his behaviour is but trying to find out where it's coming from. Ultimately if that didn't change I'd be looking at some sort of counselling for him and/or a family.
This behaviour seems to be way beyond normal sibling rivalry to me.

That sounds very stressful. Are there consequences for his behaviour? I would put those in place for both children and make sure they are understood well in advance of this happening again. Good to have a plan that you can then follow through.

There are two issues here: you need to protect your ASC child from bullying, which is the main topic of your post.

However, your son's behaviour is really troublesome and needs addressing right now (it will not get better from here without serious intervention). What would I do? I would take it really seriously and show him I was taking it really seriously within the context of "this is not acceptable in any way shape or form" and seek to check out any underlying issues: is he consuming unsuitable content online? how is he with his friends? is he getting enough (positive) attention from you? is he being bullied / is there any trauma that you do or perhaps don't know about? This for me is the bigger issue: yes, you need to protect your other child from him, but frankly he needs support to get himself to a better place all round because otherwise he is going to be a menace to society all round and his life will not follow its most optimal course. I would speak to school as well, to find out what he is like in school. And then what I would do would depend on what I concluded after those investigations, but I would be prepared to move heaven and earth to help him get on the right track, even if it meant (for example) relocating the family to get away from a cohort who are not helping him.

Good luck OP I know there are no easy answers.

Thanks the thing that comes to mind is he does not enjoy going to school and DD is home educated, there is jealousy over this however it is not a choice which ive explained to him.

Have you told him directly that his behaviour is abusive and bullying and therefore criminal? I would start there and then listen to his side.

What is "does not enjoy going to school"? Do you know why? I have one DC that is home educated and two that are not and it is really really difficult, especially when those in school are having a rocky time. Perhaps this is where you need to put in some focus / get some support from school / pay attention. Would definitely speak to school from here.

Is your 11 year old in Y6 or Y7, BTW? That makes a difference too. My kid who is out of school had a terrible terrible time in Y7 and we spent the next two years watching it all unravel from there. I wish I had stepped in and taken it seriously in Y7 rather than hoped it would magically resolve.

We have done lots of work with the school.

I would be looking at the root cause of the problem. Does your older child get more attention and time with you due to her needs? If so sort that out.
If not, take time to talk to him anyway and see exactly why he is doing it. It could be that he just finds it funny and he gets a sense of power from it.

He is year 6

Naturally yes due to her being home educated that is not a choice though so he sees her at home with me when he has to go to school.

jealousy is I’m sure at the root of all this

I would put firm boundary in place regarding behavior not also plan some alone time special treats for youngest so he gets your full attention

are there any buddy schemes like mentoring for him , in America they are call ed big brother. Where a young man take a trouble teen / child under their wing ? My daughter s school are trying to get one for her

I'd physically prevent him from attacking her, put myself between them.

Then I'd cut his privileges every single time until he learnt some manners. Actions have consequence and I don't tolerate bullying, ever. I'm definitely not putting up with my own child being a bully

Finally I'd make sure he got some alone time with me every week, so he felt he got his share of attention and wasn't being overlooked.

I think you have probably hit the nail on the head there. That in itself is a complex bundle of resentment for him. He doesn’t like going to school but you make him go. She doesn’t have to go to school. He is sent away from the house and she isn’t. She gets to spend so much more time with you. He still has to share his time with you when he gets home from school.

He is probably taking all this out on her and wants her to be upset too, and maybe even not want her to have what he sees as an entirely cushy life or the life he would like but is being denied.

Even once you’ve explained why he has to go to school and so on he might not fully understand because he’s only 11. But if you think those might be the reasons he is doing those things to her, that might make finding ways of alleviating his resentment a bit easier for you. I hope so because it sounds like a horrible, sad situation for all of you

I would wonder if he feels pushed out and not as ‘important’ as his sister. If he doesn’t like school but has to go, while his sister gets to stay at home with you then he’s obviously going to be pissed off about that and maybe feeling like he’s second best? That doesn’t excuse his behaviour though, not at all.
What do you mean by ‘he makes her perform’?
I’d sit him down (you probably already have) and try to get to the bottom of why he’s acting as he is and how he’s feeling.
If he’s just doing it for a laugh and because he can, I’d be giving him sturdy consequences. No screens etc/whatever he’d miss the most.
It sounds really tough but I would definitely be wondering if he feels pushed out.

Because she is autistic she has limited speech she mainly communicates using echolalia so she repeats phrases and songs she’s heard, so what he does is either gets her to say rude things and tells her to repeat them or he makes her sing songs over and over again because he finds it funny so he will tell her to sing something until he tells her to stop so he can laugh at her.

I was bullied and picked on by my younger sibling and I can't forgive my mum for letting it happen. Every instance needs challenging and showing it's not acceptable.
My sister was having a hard time a school so I was told to basically put up and shut up and let her take her frustrations out on me rather than support her in dealing with the challenges of school.

Your daughter needs you to put a firm stop to the behaviours and your son needs support in whatever is underlying whether that is jealousy or something going on at school.

I think getting to the bottom of his experience at school is key. Do you understand what the issues are for him? Can he articulate what the problem is? Does he know you are taking it seriously (from his point of view)? If what the school is doing is not enough / does not get to the bottom of the situation, what else can you do because even if it doesn't fix anything he will see you are working your socks off to support him. Is he being bullied / laughed at? Is he witnessing bullying / laughing at people? Is he doing the same at school? Many things I haven't got right with my kids over the years but they all know I absolutely have their backs; and that counts for a lot when things get difficult. (And especially jealousy stuff over homeschooling.)

I moved my DCs from schools over the years for a variety of reasons, but one in particular because the head was actively unsupportive. Appreciate moving now (end of Y6) is probably pointless but if it is social / bullying / cohort issue: what happens when he gets to Y7? Is he moving with the same kids? Have you talked to new school? As he transitions to secondary is it going to make these issues easier or harder? Have you talked to him about the opportunity for a "re-set"? (Though really hard to do if moving with same kids from primary.) Does he have friends? Are they actual friends? Are they kids who would egg him on in this kind of behaviour? Does he do any clubs or activities outside school that would allow him to make different out of school friends? Two of my kids are quite active outside school (one is not) and they love having friends who are not related to school.

Also agree with PP who said that you need to protect you daughter, whilst also getting to the bottom of what is going on with your son, and with those who say that there are likely to be jealousy issues going on. Can you keep them apart? What will they be doing during the summer holiday? (I would be concerned about six weeks with them both at home all day.) A LOT to unpick and really really hard to deal with (we did not know what we signed up to with having kids!) but working through it is the best way. It's exhausting, though, and never simple (and often requires the parent to move into a place that is uncomfortable for them, too). Good luck.

Yes I’ve done lots of work with him and the school but nothing changes, the school have tried things also but it’s the same thing, he’s moved class now says the new class is worse, no one bullying him and he doesn’t do this at school they say he is quiet.

What's the tole on him being "quiet" all day?
Is it "quiet" or is it contained and the pressure builds and it comes out at home?

With my sister she was told to rise above the situation at school and not show that it bothered her. Of course it bothered her but she had no safe space in school to show it so by the time she got home she'd had enough of containing herself and I took the brunt of it. At best she was deliberately bloody irritating and took pleasure in winding me out and at worse abusive.

What outlets does he have inside and outside of school and opportunities to express himself?

How sure are you that your 11 year old isn’t neurodiverse?

Is his dad around?

The same way anyone says their child isn’t? I don’t think him bullying his sister means he is ND even if he was it wouldnt make it acceptable?

No

By quiet just that he isn’t a trouble maker keeps to himself no mentions of bullying anyone