What would other parents do in this situation?

[ParentingHard]

I have a 14 year old child who is autistic I also have an 11 year old who isn’t, for a while now my 11 year old has been what I would say bullying my older child. He speaks to her like shit, calls her names, is rude to her, makes her perform for him, makes her do things for him like get him stuff instead of doing it himself, he winds her up so that she has horrible meltdowns which can include throwing and smashing things and gets her anxious and in a bad mood which makes it difficult to take her out, ive told him to stop doing this many many times but he continues and ignores me, it may stop for a small time. Anyway I’m at the end of my tether with it all can other parents tell me what they would do in this situation, he makes her cry every day making my days more difficult than they should be.

I wonder if he's created himself this quiet good just gets on with school persona and whilst it's mostly him there's still a side that wants to push buttons and not be well behaved and good all the time. The way that's manifesting for him is irritating his sister and going too far at times.
I'd look for opportunities for him to explore life and not be "the good" kid all the time. What do his evenings look like? Does he do any clubs outside of school?

That doesn't mean he isn't witnessing bullying or being a victim of bullying though. Still think that getting to and addressing root cause of unhappiness at school is key to breaking the dynamic at home. You say there have been issues and you have been working with the school on those without saying what they are (as is your right of course). You asked what we would do: my answer is (along with other actions) keep pursuing this and working on this (whatever it is) until it is better.

As there has been lots of different things we have tried; I use to come in every week and sit with him for an hour whilst he did learning, I did this every week, I don’t do that anymore, his not liking school hasn’t come out of nowhere hence me not thinking it’s bullying (he also said it isn’t as have the teachers) as he hasn’t liked school since he started in reception he use to scream the place down when I left him, he’s never liked going to school it got worse when I have to home educate DD though.

He does one club outside of school he use to do 2 but he didn’t want to go to the second one anymore so now he just does one other than that he plays with his younger sibling, plays outside etc

Has he said he wants to be home educated?

Yes all the time, it would be his dream.

But what are the consequences at home? You talk about at school, but parenting happens at home, not by teachers at school.

I have a 12 year old and a 7 year old. If my 12 year old is unkind to the 7 year old, there are consequences. She gets something taken away. She doesn’t get to do something she wants to do. She goes to her room. She doesn’t come back out until she has thought about how she has behaved and is ready to apologise to her brother and make things right.

I will literally plop on a chair outside her door and wait until she stops being in a hump and is ready to say sorry. I’ll sit there 2 hours if I have to (I don’t normally have to, but I have in the past). And then when she’s calmed down and said sorry, we talk about why that behaviour was wrong and what she should have done instead. I do that consistently, every time. I have a very low tolerance for unkind behaviour and my dc know it. They still fight, but it’s very clear what the expectations are and that there are repercussions for poor behaviour.

I’m answering questions I’ve been asked, at home he is sent upstairs if he is being rude and his devices taken off him.

Just to add people are alluding that he is being bullied at school and that’s why he is mean to his sister, I do not believe that is the case at all. I think he does it because he finds her funny and he likes when she has meltdowns.

Growing up as the NT child with a ND sibling can be very difficult. I had an older sibling with ASD and my childhood was stressful and overwhelming at times because of the needs of my sibling and my parents’ focus on them. I know my parents were doing their best and it wasn’t anyone’s fault (least of all my sibling’s) but that didn’t make the situation easier.

I would really try to get to the bottom of your son’s behaviour, to work out what is beneath his cruelty to his sister. Something is going on with him. Of course, nothing could excuse his actions and I would have a zero tolerance policy for violence and bullying at home. But at the same time he is communicating his own unhappiness through this behaviour and it’s essential to address that.

What exactly are the issues at school? What was happening in his previous class that caused you to move him? In what way does he find the new class worse?

Can you emphasise that it’s not kind to wind siblings up and that there are consequences? TBH, his behaviour will change as he grows up and matures. In the meantime, it might be effective if you just make sure there’s nothing to be gained by behaving like that. I think he also needs to see that there are consequences when siblings behave badly, by just him. So it’s about fairness.

There's a lack of empathy here (and empathy is hard to do when you are running on empty). Empathy from him as to how his sister might feel about what he does (consider it from her point of view? how will that make her feel? how do you feel about making someone else feel like that?). Would recommend a book called the bucket of happiness (or similar): it talks about how people kick over other people's buckets of happiness when they are feeling bad inside and the end result is that everyone feels bad (the kicker, and the person whose bucket got kicked over). But also you can model empathy for him: how awful going to school for SEVEN YEARS and going every day and HATING IT. I'm worried on his behalf (and because of my experience with my DC, one of whom is now out of school) about going to secondary as well. And just to say: being someone on the internet a million miles away from your life cannot possibly know what it is like and what is going on in your family life; but hopefully there will be a couple of things in some of what this thread says that might give you a different angle to think about.

ETA: it's called "Have You Filled a Bucket Today" and is a picture book aimed at 4-7 year olds so an 11 year old might not feel it's for him although if you have younger DC might be able to get it into the house that way. It's a book we still have: my 15 year old DD still has it in her room.

Thanks that sounds like an interesting book I will definitely take a look. The school have told me I need to be positive about school to him and speak positively about it, rather than being negative towards school. The school felt moving class would help and he agreed at the time but since he has moved his told me that he doesn’t like the new class, he preferred the children in the other class and he preferred the class teacher, they moved the classes around so they moved a couple of his friends as well so he wasn’t just the only one who moved.

What exactly are the issues at school, though? Academic? Social? Something else?

Will your son be attending the same secondary school as his friends?

I agree with a PP that he seems to lack empathy. Is he quite emotionally immature? He's only 11, so of course he doesn't have the maturity of an adult or teen, but does he seem to lag behind his peers in terms of understanding other people's (and his own) emotions?

There's quite a lot going on here. Siblings of children with significant ND or disabilities can often experience a tough home life, which of course is NOT what their parents want for them.

I also would be wondering if your DS is also ND, but less obviously than your DD.

Do you spend time with your DS just you and him? Does he have the right and the opportunity to do thing sthat are fun for him that are not negatively impacted by his sister? eg friendships, activities, days out that are designed for him and not to accomodate his sister?

If he's moving to secondary next year, is it possible that's an opportunity for him with a fresh start? Does he like the secondary school he'll be going to?

Is it possible to home school him by any chance? Even if it's just for the rest of this school year? I can't help wondering if he thinks its a super fun time for everyone and that it's not fair he has to go to boring school. A friend's DS was always upset that his sister was being home schooled - but when he was off sick for a week, he suddenly saw it as a lot less fun!

He sees it as fun as I don’t do traditional learning with my daughter and we don’t use text books so for him he would view it as more fun than school anyway. I don’t get any time with him without my daughter so she is always here so no 1:1 time without her but I do spend time doing things just with him and we play board games and video games just the two of us. He isn’t looking forward to secondary school but he does have 1 friend that’s going although there’s no guarantee they will be in the same form as there’s about 7 per year.

He has one friend that will be going. He struggles both academically and socially, he says the work is too hard but the school said it’s the correct level for him.

I appreciate that your options are limited. But unfortunately, so are his. If you can't do anything with him.outside thr house he likes, it's not surprising he jist wants to stay home.

Is there anyone who can be with your dd so.you can take him somewhere for a few hours?

No unfortunately there is no one that can have her.

I know this probably feels very counterintuitive and maybe downright crazy, but perhaps home educating your son as well would help.

He's spending all day in a place he hates, and has done for nearly seven years. Being under that level of stress, he has no empathy left for his sister, and lashes out at her all the time. If his own needs were better met, he'd be on a more even keel. This might transform his behaviour.

Despite having to juggle both of their needs all day, and the potential for your son to mistreat his sister for even more hours then he already does, it might turn out much better than that. If he is happy, he'll have the emotional reserves to be kind and patient.

I've seen this sort of scenario play out before, though not in my own family. During phases when kids are happy and getting what they need, the sibling relationship improves tremendously.

It is a possibility.

Personally I wouldn’t want to do that, he wouldn’t ever go back to school then and I don’t feel I could meet both of their needs at home.

I feel for you. What a tough situation to be in. 😞

I really think, as PP have said, you need to consider the possibility that he is neurodivergent too. It’s really not all that typical for a child to consistently hate school from Reception. You’ve said he struggles socially and academically. You’ve also tried to help him to change this behaviour towards his sister and what you’re doing isn’t working. Obviously there are other explanations for these things, but the key other factor is he has an autistic sibling and many, many families have more than one autistic child. Autism might present differently. I’m a parent of neurodivergent children and I work in autism diagnosis. Don’t just dismiss the idea.

I am not dismissing it I just don’t see what it would make a difference to the way he treats my daughter we would still have the same issues and being ND wouldnt make his behaviour acceptable, however ive spoken to his school in the past but they said they don’t feel he is ND I think it’s possible for NT to dislike school.

What it might make a difference to, though, is his situation at school (whatever school say they are not the experts in ND: no school flagged any of my kids ND), and knowing if he is ND (if he is) would likely change how you treat him, which in turn may be what you all need. Hypothetically, a diagnosis may allow for you all to access some better support (also may not, I appreciate). It may be that you are also ND (I say this as ASD mum to 3 ND kids) and so you also are struggling with processing this. Agree, being ND wouldn't make his behaviour acceptable but the thing that needs to change is how you deal with it, because what you have done so far is not seeing the results you want. I know you are already carrying a heavy load and having another child that needs more from you feels overwhelming: I really really get that. We do not choose our kids, though, any more than our kids choose their parents. Our job is to get on and do the best we can in the place we find ourselves. Good luck.