Badly want a second child but partner doesnt

[Mizzi1904]

I am desperate for another baby but my husband has said no. He doesn't think he can cope mentally with another child as well as space and money, and I am devastated.
The trouble is how do I deal with not having another? I have let him keep every hobby and go out at every opportunity, on top of me doing most of the raising and housework I feel very put out.
Our child is wonderful, hard work at 3 year old but still wonderful and I had a hard time in pregnancy and feel I owe myself a better go and to give our child a sibling to grow up with. I am now 35 so running out of time to have another.
I grew up an only child, my partner had a sister and they don't get on. I don't have much money for hobbies and have always wanted 2 children.
Separation is not an option, we do need each other and love each other very much.

He has many reasons to say no, but I'm left with the same question, what about me?

make him do his share and cut his hobbies. Seems like you are trying to make parenting more attractive and easy on him, and he’s just selfish

Did you always plan to have 2 or more? Or was the conversation not talked about beforehand. If you’ve never spoken about how many children you wanted before then it shouldn’t be a huge shock but if he’s changed his mind then I can see that being hard. It sounds like you are doing everything though and if he is going out all the time would you want and be able to cope with two? Ultimately he is aloud to say this though and 1 parents not wanting another child trumps you wanting another one as both parents need to be on board. My partner always said he wanted two but once we had our first he said perhaps one is enough but over time he has welcomed the idea of 2 but we waiting a good while and only looking at trying again soon now our DD is nearly 4. Perhaps he just needs time and might change his mind as your child gets older and easier. Can you tell him how much it means to you to have another and ask if he will consider it in say 6 months? If it’s a firm no then you need to make your choice but I wouldn’t split up my happy family for my desires of wanting another child, each to their own though. Sending love as it can’t be easy x

Having a hobby isn’t the same as having a baby OP, there’s no compromise. Sounds like the relationship isn’t really working for either of you though if he’s out all the time and you don’t agree on kids. You probably need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you

Ah love, it's so tough isn't it?

My DH is the same, insists on Condoms due to his desire not to have one (I'm on the pill). I have had to accept I just have one and I'm so lucky to have her.

I have been through many scenarios in my head but have concluded I don't want to deceive him.

We fell pregnant quite early in our relationship but we had said we'd want two as we both have good relationships with our respective siblings.

At 43 I'm too old now to start again, so I've been working on acceptance in myself.

Interested to see what others say!

Sounds like you need to stick with one. It’s not fair on the child to be born when it isn’t wanted by both of you. He should do his equal share of parenting though.

How does he have money for hobbies and you don’t? This marriage seems really uneven. Having said that, the parent that doesn’t want another ‘wins’. It’s really hard but you do eventually live with it.

He’s kept every hobby and goes out at every opportunity - of course he doesn’t want more kids, his life is how he wants it.

You have an uninterested partner and a history of difficult pregnancies, it is better if you don’t have any more kids. It will be difficult enough explaining to your child when he’s older why daddy is always going out and why daddy’s hobbies means that child won’t get hobbies

He needs to do equal parenting first of all.

with regard to another baby, I respect his honesty. I think it’s fair enough to say how he feels, I think it’s braver than just going along with it and potentially messing up a future child. That to me is much worse.

if you are financially able to, you could consider freezing your eggs in case he changes his mind once your firstborn starts school, or in case you decide it is a dealbreaker and leave him.
I would try to work on accepting it will be one wonderful child for you to parent

Because breaking up a home for an existing child for the possibility of a step-parent and a half sibling makes complete and utter sense.

op, your child deserves two fully involved parents. Letting your child’s father disengage from parenting in the hopes he will agree to a second baby is not a wise path. You also deserve fulfillment outside of your role as a mother. Right now it is all encompassing, but the days will come when your time is your own again. It’s best if you and your partner have not entered such an unbalanced relationship that you are stuck with all the domestic drudgery.

Don’t really understand why you’ve quoted me to be honest, I didn’t ask a question.

What's the purpose of "[letting] him keep every hobby and go out at every opportunity, on top of me doing most of the raising and housework"
What I'm getting from this is you are trying to show him that you can raise the family and he can go about his normal life and it doesn't matter if there's one or two kids at home. I might be reading it completely wrong and I apologise if I do. What ever the reason I think I would have a good think about what you are doing regarding this statement and what you are hoping it will achieve.

Having a second is a difficult decision, we weren't sure and we are expecting a second but it has been 2 years since we started the discussion! I'm 37 and what we decide was to give it a year of trying, hope that things work but otherwise we'd stop and stay as a happy family of 3. We've had 3 pregnancies in that time, two losses and I have had hyperemesis twice too. It's been hard going and I didn't have it in me physically to do it more than 3 times and both of us emotionally either. The way the dice have rolled the third pregnancy seems to have stuck.

I think first you need to embrace your family of 3 and get your partner more involved in family of life. I had some counselling whilst trying to decide whether to have a second and that helped enormously as we had a difficult time with my first pregnancy and the first year of her life. Unpacking that made a big difference, we had one session together and that helped us get some clarity. At the end of the day though, if either of us had been out we wouldn't have gone ahead.

Why isn't he doing his share of parenting?
Why does he have hobby and going out money but you don't?
How can you both afford a baby if you can't afford a hobby?
Strange did he ever want a child in the first place?

It sounds like your husband is basically a sperm donor who pays child support (I hope that you’re not paying all or most of the bills too)

He is not good dad material. The only positive is that he said no to more kids.

Let's face it, he didn't want a child at all. Most men don't! He only agreed to please you. If you don't plan to leave him, then you will just have to accept just having the 1 child.

I agree with what previous posters have said - you have to both want another one, and if one doesn't - then that trumps it.

I'm kind of in the opposite position in that I've recently decided I'm not sure whether I want another one. DC is nearly 4. My partner would like another, but not yet. However, his (previously our) main motivation for this was to give DC a sibling and to continue to grow the family. Rather than for the reason of wanting another child in the house. I've only recently started to consider what that would actually look like in real terms - crazy pick up schedule, huge increase in expenses, repetition of all the difficult phases we've faced (and the ones we've still to face), more opportunities for my already stressed DP'S ADHD to be triggered.

Who knows, I may change my mind in a couple of years but I feel I've come to peace with the idea of being one and done. Maybe you can too. I found the one and done reddit thread to be helpful.

You need to sit down on your own and have a think about (maybe with pen and paper) why you actually want another one and how you want your life to look. But from the sounds of it, if you're doing it again, you'll be doing it on your own (unless you've the time and energy to find a new partner).

I sort of get where you are coming from, I have similarly taken on the brunt of things, partly in an attempt to keep DH happy (well, i didn't really have a choice, he would have continued as is and my choice was to fight it or accept it).

But it's led to me absolutely not being able to have another one. I can't cope by myself with pregnancy etc while he lives a great life. I can't believe you would be willing to do that, your instinct to have another child at any cost is probably stronger than mine. Realistically, he's a bad father now, and he would be horrific to two. He will likely leave you anyway if he treats you like this now.

I don’t think you can do anything other than discuss in a years time when your kid is at school and it might all seem easier

If you were ever to get pregnant I’m sure he’d find a way of coping…

Would you suggest a man tricked a woman into getting pregnant?

It sounds as if you have 2 children OP?

you are right where are you in any of this becuase it doesn’t sound great what you have written

I think that's the conversation if we're sticking with one let's rebalance things as I deserve me time too and currently it's not fair. I was prepared to be primarily parent and make it easier on you as we were having two and it was worth sacrifice but now, it's not, so we need to address it.

Or, my mental health and grief over this is profound by not having another I don't think it's fair that you unilaterally decide for MH reasons and I have to suffer. Can we have more conversations.

If you get him more involved in family life then maybe he will see what you see and want another?

Though being a family with one child can be really lovely - no us and them as you are all the us, so do really think about why you want another one.

Don't panic about time, you have a few years yet! If things don't change over the next year or so either in your feelings or his then you'll need to have an honest conversation about likely outcomes of not having v having another child - would you ultimately resent him so much it destroys your relationship, if you can't find peace with his view.

I wanted to try for another child, my husband didn't.

It was really hard, and sometimes I wonder what that child would have been, but we agreed early on we both had to agree on major decisions.

That was it.

That sounds a lot like emotional blackmail.