Badly want a second child but partner doesnt

[Mizzi1904]

I am desperate for another baby but my husband has said no. He doesn't think he can cope mentally with another child as well as space and money, and I am devastated.
The trouble is how do I deal with not having another? I have let him keep every hobby and go out at every opportunity, on top of me doing most of the raising and housework I feel very put out.
Our child is wonderful, hard work at 3 year old but still wonderful and I had a hard time in pregnancy and feel I owe myself a better go and to give our child a sibling to grow up with. I am now 35 so running out of time to have another.
I grew up an only child, my partner had a sister and they don't get on. I don't have much money for hobbies and have always wanted 2 children.
Separation is not an option, we do need each other and love each other very much.

He has many reasons to say no, but I'm left with the same question, what about me?

I was a very lonely only child and holidays were always so depressing. I had a complications with my pregnancy and another one would be too high risk. DH had always wanted more than one child but had to accept it, and I was fine with just DD for a long time but the older she got the more I wished that I had a second and that she had a sibling, especially as yet again, our holidays are so quiet and I always wanted a big family growing up and still do. So, DH and I decided to adopt. We went through all the work to make it happen and sort of gave up thinking it would ever happen until one day we were matched with a beautiful little girl. We saw pictures, learned everything about her. It really felt like she was meant to be ours, like she seemed to fit so perfectly into our family. And then DH got cold feet. We didn't end up adopting that child (or any child). Now DD is a teen and that door has closed.

I am not sure I will ever forgive DH for this but at the same time, he was just being honest and I had to accept his feelings, even if they differed from mine. I didn't push as hard as maybe I should have, but I also felt like I shouldn't have to force him into something if he'd ultimately changed his mind. I also know that HE has no regrets. In the end, he really just wanted to keep our family as it was.

I have learned to move on by focusing on what I do have, and cherishing the time with my one child to the very best of my ability. But I still keep a photo of that other little girl in my bedside table and I have thought of her every single day since and will probably always wonder "What if".

Despicable.

That’s quite sad! Do you no if the little girl got adopted by anyone else in the end?

I have let him keep every hobby and go out at every opportunity, on top of me doing most of the raising and housework I feel very put out.

Well stop doing that for starters. He's not stupid, even if you are seeing a second child through rose-tinted glasses he knows that if you have another child you wont have the energy to keep on doing everything for him. He needs to do his share now. First of all he needs to feel confident and able to make the effort to engage fully in family life with one child. Then - maybe - he'll want another. At 35 you do have a few years left and if you give him space to contribute properly then maybe he'll develop into it.

But you can't force this, if he never wants another child then you do have the one. It's interesting that both your feelings seem to be based on your own childhoods and neither of you want what you each experienced yourselves. Some marriage counselling might be a good idea to unpick that.

At least he has been honest with you.

I sincerely hope that one of the hobbies is not another woman. It happens.

Well that goes without saying

It really sounds like you’re carrying a lot of grief, not for the baby you want that your partner is saying no to, but also perhaps for how hard your first experience of pregnancy and early motherhood was. That line you wrote about owing yourself "a better go" really stood out to me. It makes me wonder if part of your longing for another baby is also a longing to rewrite that difficult chapter, like a do-over to heal something that still hurts.

And I get it. When something so deeply important doesn’t go the way you hoped, it’s natural to want to try again. But life doesn’t promise us that the next time will be easier. In fact, with a three-year-old, sleep deprivation, finances, and a partner already worried about coping, the risks to your mental and physical wellbeing might be even higher.

Your partner’s “no” is coming from a place of emotional self-preservation, and that’s important, but your pain is valid too. Wanting another baby isn’t wrong. But it sounds like what you might need most right now is space to grieve and to unpack what that yearning represents. Is it truly about a second child, or is it about healing, feeling seen, reclaiming your identity, or needing something just for you after years of sacrifice?

I hope you can get some support - maybe through therapy or counselling, whether solo or couples - to explore that grief and find ways to make your life feel more whole and the relationship feel more equitable.

A friend did that, her H didn’t trust her after she accidentally got pregnant and it destroyed their marriage.

She was adopted by another family, that's all we know. Many families wanted her we were told. We had been the first choice family, but ultimately I guess she went to the family where both parents wanted her most.

I think “owing yourself a better go” is quite misguided. Your second pregnancy could be even worse, it’s different every time.

Hope you two can sort it out.

Honestly I think it’s fair enough for him to say no. Children are too big & life changing a thing to be talked into or have imposed upon you, so if either party is a no then that no goes for everyone.

If that no doesn’t work for you then separation really is your only option, you cannot force or push someone into having another child.

He’s stated he doesn’t want another child, I don’t think it’s right to force it on him. If situations were reversed, we’d all be horrified at a mother forced into having a child if she really didn’t want another! Either learn to accept it or decide if it’s too big an issue for you to accept and leave? As for him not pulling his weight as a parent, he’ll do what you’ll allow him to get away with! If you want help with chores, child etc then tell him…sorry, you can’t play golf with your mates today, I need help! If you ask and he still won’t help, again that’s something you need to decide if you can accept…personally, I wouldn’t..

My DH said no to a second child and I made my peace with it. Aged 40 I got a kitten. He also said no to a cat but our kid always wanted a pet and was 10. Didn’t really care that he said no as he can’t have all the no.
we had a cat before and she had died aged 17. New cat loves DH and is his shadow!

we then got pregnant at 41 as DH was careful but a wayward sperm got through. That ended up in TMFR and it broke me. He reluctantly agreed to try again and that ended in miscarriage and I’m now 46.

he always knew I wanted more than one. I now wish I’d left and had kids with a new partner when I was 35. I resent him for it as he said at the time that I would be breaking up the family for my wants.

now once DS is out of full time education I know I will leave as I want to spend my retirement doing stuff. My DH doesn’t have a passport and likes to stay home.

you need to make the decision about what you want as your child will cope with a well managed separation.

or you need to set your home life out. DH needs to parent and not do all his hobbies. Household chores are split and you get time and money to follow your own interests. If he doesn’t like it then he can leave. His choice.

Spot on comment!!
And like you say, it won't necessarily be "better"....I have found adding a 2nd child very hard!! Stress doesn't double it's x100!!

I was in this situation.I couldn’t let it rest and decided to go solo. Looking back the relationship was dead in the water anyway . It wasn’t just the child he wouldn’t compromise with. It was his way or no way the whole relationship.

4 years on I’m finally happy and love my kids. We’ve carved a good little life as 3.

He’s being honest that he doesn’t want another child. He probably didn’t want the first as he’s opting out of parenting. Don’t have a child who is unwanted by their father.

What a stupid response. He might not cope, he might well take off and OP is left alone with two children.

I have been in a very similar situation OP. I badly wanted a second baby whereas
my DH was adamant he didn’t.

I grew up having a wonderful relationship with my sibling so I really didn’t want child to be an only child, whereas my DH had a really poor relationship with his brother and so didn’t see any benefit to siblings. We were coming from completely opposite sides. I found it very hard and upsetting to think I would have to let go of the idea of having another baby.

However, after about a year of repeated discussions my DH did eventually agree to try for a second baby but a time limit was put on it.

However, based on what you have said in your post, your DH doesn’t sound particularly great and I would think very carefully about what the reality of your life would be if you had two children to care for whilst your husband takes on no responsibility and continues to lives his life selfishly with no regards for you. It paints quite a bleak picture to be honest.

You would hope so Eagle25 but one party not wanting a child is very common if that partner is about to up and leave. They often then have a child with the next person

I suggest some of that hobby money needs to be reallocated towards therapy for you and your second child issue.

It might boil down to which do you want most - another child or him.
Either way he needs to step up with the child you already have.

That’s jumping the gun a bit. Maybe he just doesn’t want another child? No one is owed or entitled to x-number of children, every child is entitled to be wanted. A child shouldn’t be produced as a result of browbeating/manipulation/deception (getting pregnant ‘accidentally’ FFS). That’s a recipe for disaster.

The OP doing all the heavy lifting is a bit silly at best and manipulative at worst- make him pull his weight and then he will certainly have a better idea of how much work is involved raising children.

@TheMumEdit - could I ask a question? How did you make the decision to up and go? I’m strongly considering doing this - my relationship is sometimes lovely but often very difficult, I’m desperate for a second and my partner isn’t, etc. I don’t know anyone who has taken this decision and could very much use any advice going