Menopausal DV survivor daughter left

[George4606]

Hi looking for some advice. I was a victim of DV emotional, physical and financial for 19 years. Separated in 2016 met someone knew 6 months later was friends for a while then fell in love and got married 2023. I have two DD to first marriage aged 10 and 15 and my current husband had two DS aged 14 and 17. We have boys 50% of the time and girls go to their dad’s weds and alternate weekends. The problem is my eldest daughter has never really accepted or got on with my current husband or the boys. After a recent disagreement she has told me she feels unhappy, out of place and lonely at home and asked to go live with her dad. I agreed temporarily but it has now been 8 weeks and she doesn’t want to come home and I have seen her a handful of times. My heart is broken and I am in turmoil she says it is nothing to do with her dad but I know it is. He lives alone and doesn’t work so has plenty of time for her. I work full time and I’m studying for a PhD. I know her dad has poisoned her against us he has convictions for assault and harassment against me. He treats her like an adult there is no discipline for example she had a run in with another girl during a football game and punched her in the face. Her coach said he hasn’t seen violence like this in a kids football game and she told me her dad said he was proud of her. I don’t want her to grow up like him a bully with no responsibility for her actions help!

She wants to live with her dad. I don’t see there’s much you can do. I wouldn’t have wanted to share my home with two random teenage boys and a man I didn’t know at that age, either.

I feel for her, I wouldn’t want to have to move in with three new people I didn’t like and live with them. It’s possible she doesn’t like living with him but likes living with your husband and his children even less.

That’s a lot for a teenager to deal with. She probably feels like she’s stuck between a rock and a hard place. You might not like it, and life isn’t perfect or fair, but unfortunately for both of you, I think it’s the living situation you’ve forced on her that’s caused this.

If you want her back you could consider changing your living arrangements.

This. I feel very sorry for her. She was put between a rock and a hard place.

Ypu have made your deicisons and she has made hers, to her you have moved stranger into her home and you expect her to get on with it?

yes the usual MN line is 'just because we have children does not mean we have have a new partner' well the adults make the decions and expect children to just accept it?

So you married and moved in with a man who your daughter didn’t accept. You put a penis before your daughter. Great parenting there! You reap what you sow.

I really feel for your daughter.

She was the victim of domestic violence for the first 9 years of her life. Did you seek help for her when she was a child/teenager? Now, her Mum has married someone else, move other teenagers into her home and is working full time and doing signifigant studying during some of the most difficult years if her life.

I think all you can do now is try and keep lines of communication open and make an effort to meet her outside of your home.

They aren’t random boys or man they are step brothers and her step father and they have been in her life since she was 8.

Sounds like you’ve put your wants above your daughters needs

No I don’t expect her to just accept it she has been a part of the decision to all move in together and my husband asked all the children about us getting married before he proposed. They were all part of the engagement on a family holiday and the wedding. The problems have only really arose during adolescence although she has always had a less solid relationship with my now husband than my youngest daughter. I understand this is due to her exposure to DV and her dad never accepting I have moved on.

You know she didn't like them, it doesn't matter if she's known them since she was 8, she's never liked them and you still went ahead with making her home feel unsafe and uncomfortable.
You didn't need to do that, you could have just dated and kept separate homes.

She did accept him at the time we met and got married. No I put our family first and my current marriage is happy and healthy and a good example to our children of what a relationship should look like.

They may have been in her life a long time, but as you said in your OP, she never accepted or got on with them. Yet you still moved them in - you didn’t prioritised them over her.

Legally she can live and see her parents however much she likes.

Your updates are pretty unfair on dd. Lots of kifs get along in a blended family when they are young (say primary school age) then change their minds when they are teens.
It sounds even more serious in this case “The problem is my eldest daughter has never really accepted or got on with my current husband or the boys.” Yet you still remarried ? It’s fine to date someone that your dd doesn’t like but having them live with you is a different matter. Did you assume that she’d always tolerate them ?

As for the violence, dd is allowed to live where she likes and if dad has space and time then it’s natural that she’ll choose his house. If she was primary school age you could legally go for 50/50 but she’s allowed to legally choose so your hands are tied.

You said in your post that she never really accepted your husband and his boys.

Because that’s what she tells me now but not we showed, felt or told me at the time.

Did you put her in therapy for the DV she witnessed?
She didn't need a new dad or father figure she needed stability, she needed just you and a focus on her own MH needs.

Nearly all children will initially outwardly support and seem happy when asked by their mother if they're happy for them in this new relationship, children are conditioned to agree with their parents desires, it's a survival mechanism, you can't be that stupid.

Your ex was emotionally, physically and financially abusive to you for years. He has a criminal record of assault and harassment.

Why did you say yes to her moving in with him?

Honestly I don’t know she is almost 16 and I felt if I kept her here against her will her resentment would grow and she would go anyway in a couple of months. When he was arrested for assault in 2016 against me my DD was at home and the oldest witnessed this. The police, social services and DV support officer supported me so he was never able to come back home. He applied for a court arrangement order and has access including weekend stays with the children through this.

I feel sorry for your DD. Her home is meant to be her safe & stable place and I wouldn’t like 2 boys and a man moving in with me either. That’s very tough for any kid, especially one that had been brought up with a Dad like she had. I would’ve focused on your DD and kept her home as her home. Had him as a boyfriend but entirely separate.

All you can do now is keep the lines of communication as open as you can & hope you can mend it somehow in the future.

I feel some of these responses are unfair I did what I could to get out of a marriage with DV and start again. I worked hard to get out of the dire financial situation I was in and I met someone who has shown nothing but love for me and my DDs. I have sought support for my children and therapy which my oldest refuses. I thought I was doing the best thing for all 3 of us, my youngest daughter is really happy and thriving at home. I did not choose my own happiness over my DDs I done what I thought was best for us all. Thank you for the advice I am spending as much time as she will with me outside of the home and I am listening, comforting her and supporting her needs, I will do whatever it is she wants from me now to support her.

OK, so when she was 8 - and not long out of an home where she witnessed DV - they were random strangers.

Of course a child is going to say ‘fine’ when asked whether it’s OK by her if her mum marries someone else - particularly if there’s an engagement party on holiday and a fun wedding to be involved in etc.

What say does she really have? If she’d said no, she would have upset everyone, or felt she was ruining your chance at happiness, or the adults would have tried tirelessly to change her mind, and/or it would have just happened anyway in the expectation that she’d adjust.

Dontou honestly think an 8-year-old is in a position to make an informed choice about this sort of thing?

Children are programmed to want their parent’s approval.

While leaving your marriage was 100% the right decision, I can see how a teen would have wishful thinking that her dad’s violence was only targeted at you so she’s safe as her dad loves her. Lots of adults posting on here downplay or pretend that awful incidents like the violence didn’t happen- it would be very difficult for a teen to do the same.

You know best how she got along with your current husband and the boys. Maybe she is exaggerating how she never liked them, maybe she did what many kids do and tell their parent what they think the parent wants to hear. I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with your current husband btw but kids do try and be kind to their parents by telling them what they want to hear sometimes and it is possible that this is the case.

Either way it sounds like she’s made her decision and your hands are tied because of her age.

But they were random. She was never happy and you are failing to recognise that your choices have made living with you untenable.

They are random in the sense that she didn’t and wouldn’t choose to live with them- you did that for her. I suspect that her ideal situation is as living with you and her sister.

I understand your worry OP living with your Exes violent influence is such a worry. Did you not have any talk ms about how she was feeling before this

have spent any 121 time with her recently? I think you need to make this a regular occurrence so you get an idea who she is and who she feels and exert positive influence on her life.

unfortunately she is old enough to choose where she lives all You can do is make a continued effort with her and make her feel welcome at home.

I do think you have a right to a romantic life but unless your DD has some serious support for the distress and MH that comes from growing up with DV via therapy I can see why this has cropped up.

there are charities that specifically deal with children who grew up around DV you should get them someone to talk to.