Preteen and teen friendships (lack of!l

[Smugzebra]

Argh I guess id just like to hear from anyone who has been through seeing they child friend-less. Wanting friends but just disappearing and feeling invisible.

In my case dd 13 years old. I would say she is a few years behind socially and emotionally. She probably would find more in common with 11 yr olds but academically fine for age.

She is at high school and still has had absolutely no friends at all. I kept thinking just give it more time, but it's been almost 2 years now and just have no idea what to do. She is very shy and will not start a conversation just stays by herself.

Things tried:
GP
Psychotherapy
ASD/ADHD assessment

School: contacted multiple times and been offered weekly counselling, various teachers have had chats with her, offered lunch time clubs, various other things.. All turned down as she doesn't want to stand out in any way or want any attention.

After school activities: partakes in a couple, but no friendships have formed as a part of it (though the things she has chosen do not involve chatting or teamwork)

Books: tried various books on friendship, social skills, confidence, social anxiety etc etc.

I am at a loss of anything more I can do to help her but would love to hear from anyone who's child struggled with friendships and came out the other side ok. I keep thinking she will get home one day and say "guess what, I made a friend!!"

Is she sad about the situation or is it more you are? My son struggled at that age to have any real friends but by age 15 he did make a few school friends. He didn't make the friends through any of the ideas the school had suggested. Just through lessons in the end. Now he is at University and has v gradually improved his skills at finding friends.

I think in retrospect I should have worried less.

I hope she can find a good friend soon.

My DD was the exact same. What out of school activities is she doing? The best thing my DD joined was Woodcraft folk, since they operate with split age groups, so she could mix with a variety of people out of school, in a structured format (so there's something else to focus on!). She's been to groups in different areas and they have all been so welcoming- I will say that it took a lot of coxing to get her to go, but she enjoyed it once she was in there. Woodcraft Folk Homepage - Woodcraft Folk. If she enjoys it, they do summer camps and camps at various other times of the year and work towards awards etc.

Is she upset about it?

It is possible that I am more upset and worried about it than she is, but most of the action taken was because she felt sad at the situation. It definitely bothers her. School is difficult particularly lunchtimes, group work, break times, school trips etc.
Thankyou I will look in to that. She has tried absolutely loads of things out of school and always gets very overwhelmed and either doesn't dare go in, or gives it up soon after.

Hi I just wanted to share my experience to give you a bit of hope. My daughter gradually lost friends when she started high school. She ended up with no friends, and it was really upsetting seeing her so lonely.

Gradually things started to change and in 3rd year (Scotland) she made some friends. Girls start to mature and are more open to new friendships at this age. She grew in confidence and although wasn't easy, she started to enjoy school. Friendships seem to change a lot in high school, as classes change. This opens up new opportunities for new friendships.

I'm sure your daughter will make some friends. It just takes some time for girls who are shy. Keep going, as it absolutely can turn around for your girl.

i had exactly the same. It isn’t much help to you now but things improved by year 11 - same children at school but she just seemed able to connect more and now she is going from strength to strength.

Thankyou so much to those who have replied you really have made me feel so much better and less alone. It's so sad. Sorry you and your children have been through it too but thanks for giving us hope 🙂

Hi, I have been through very similar with my son, who is now at college. He hated school but we came up with techniques to get through the day. Join the longest lunch queue to avoid not having anyone to sit on own, go to library or quiet study. He found his friends away from school, when he stopped looking for a best friend if that makes sense. We worked on his conversation skills and listening to what people are saying. It's so hard but it does get easier and please sure its not all you talk about as it ended up dominating our conversations which made the situation worse.

Yes good advice about not making it a big deal. I've gradually learnt that over the last few years.

Really feel for you both as my adopted daughter is similar, nearly 12 and has had ongoing problems with friends. Feels like it’s turning a corner now, and she’s just been diagnosed with adhd and trauma which explains a lot in terms of not always picking up on the nuances in friendships.

Things we did to help her feel less isolated included gymnastics club, guides, her being a mentor in school with younger kids and rowing club, but there’s no magic bullet. Really hope things turn around soon.

Thankyou. Good luck with your daughter. All those activities sound like such fun. We can only do our best and be there for them I guess.

My son, 14, is similar. He always seems to be on the periphery of friendship groups, never quite able to infiltrate the clique. He's longed for a best friend for a number of years now and not got there. It makes me so sad to see because he's lovely, kind and very funny! He'd make a great best friend.

I have spoken to school and requested that he's put into classes with some of the group 'friends' when they re-jig timetables. He's also recently had an adhd diagnosis, which I think must impact things in some way, but I've not worked out exactly how and therefore what can be done about it. You mention assessments for your daughter. Did she get a diagnosis?

He's an introvert and this issue is probably making him turn in on himself even more so, and he's also a bit immature (although perhaps all 14 year old boys are!). He says he doesn't know what to say to people, so i have given a few tips about conversation starters etc. My husband also worries but says he thinks that things will change as they get older, in a year or two (this might be true, given a few of the replies so far) as others mature and realise that hanging around with the cool kids isn't what life is all about and start to widen social circles.

I also tell myself that my son is very lucky to have us as parents as we do make sure he is occupied and feels valued outside of school and attempted friendships. It sounds like you are a great mum, so your daughter is lucky there too. Some kids have no one at all.

Finally, I do remind myself that I shouldn't think or talk about it too much. There is only so much you can control and focusing on it won't help either of you.

No advice really. Just wants to say you are a great mum. I am pretty academic, social, good looking and had loads of hobbies BUT a a child and even more so as an adult just love my own company. I go out but am selective on who I choose to hang out, etc and I was totally ok with not being part of the ‘it’ crowd at school or uni - I am an ok adult. No close friends per se, but friends from uni, work, or mum friends.. could she just be like me? Content in herself and not needing anymore right now? She is young so she may change as she gets older. I have no mental issues or social anxiety. If that helps.

Ive asked school the same but they can't rejig anything because apparently the classes/timetables are all based on academic ability. She has been with the same people pretty much all the way through school with the odd exception.

I'm just generalising and could be wrong, but she is in the lower/middle sets and these seem to have the louder kids who act up a bit which may not help...

No diagnosis given of anything when assessed a while ago. I think most of the issues she had at the time were anxiety during COVID.

Yes it's good our kids have a family who love them. My heart breaks for any child who doesn't.

Good luck

I don't think she is like that at the moment but maybe with time. At this age it seems very important to her to have a friend or two...and she literally has nobody. Not even to chat to on a polite level or stand with at break time...

I agree that being in a group and having lots of friends isn't for everyone though. And isn't necessarily something "wrong". I'm quite solitary too but think I'd struggle if I had literally nobody to meet for a cuppa every now and then etc...

OH OP, you are doing so well. Very sneaky to do this but do you think you could pick a mum friend with a child similar age to yours and see if she picks up on social cues/chit chat when the 4 of you do something. Bless her my ones are too small, 8 years old and 6 months so I am no good to you! (Or her)

Thanks that could be something to look in to although in the past there has been lots of awkward silence at things like this.

As its half term at the moment it stands out even more that she is lonely and bored.

Clubs with interaction. SS13 was struggling with secondary school, it seems a common issue. Football has been the saviour. Try something like Girl Guides that is practical and requires teamworking. If shes quiet and considered Girl Guides is also great as it will play into some interests.

Is she an only child? That could also be something, maybe she is just used to her own company a lot.

Also TedTalks are great for teens! They assume everyone else is so confident when, actually, everyone is just as nervous as one another’s its just that some people are better at faking it til they make it. SS came to a party with us over the school holidays and heard all our friends talk about their school lives and how they felt (all accomplished, well liked adults now with a great friendship group) and realised this.

@ThumbTowers for an ADHD boy in mainstream, ADHD Dude has some great materials on social executive functioning.

My DS is a similar age and also has no friends. It's useless us trying to give him tips or help him though because he doesn't ever meet any other children (or at least not that would be friendly to him even if he could crack the nut - he only has 5 in his class at school and they all live at a distance and because they all are highly impulsive like him, they just all wind each other up).

He is quite a lot like @Smugzebra DD in that he goes to activities but doesn't always mix. But also the other kids don't give him much of a chance - for example he goes to a church youth group but nobody asks him to join in the games, asks him to sit with them or shows him how to do something. They mainly all go to the same school so to some extent it's understandable but it's also not what our own church is like - ours is much smaller so everyone makes sure all the other kids have a go etc. But there are no boys his age there (and only about one girl!).

same.. I think other kids interpret quietness or awkwardness as rudeness or lack of interest. I get it. Understanding the nuances of social anxiety or neurodiversity is an adult skill. And even then it's likely only understood by people who have friends or family who struggle. My worry is that no friends means no opportunity to "test out" their social skills and perfect them. Obviously they can chat to us and other family... But it's a different thing to hanging out with their peers.

Just got to hope it will all work out ok in the end....

@Smugzebra you might also find the ADHD Dude videos helpful, he has a good understanding of what works and doesn't (hint: social skills groups don't work).

Thanks I will take a look at that

I am in identical situation. Dd has had a few friends in the past but gradually they have faded away and she really struggles. I’d love her to have just one best friend as she seems so lonely.

Sorry to hear this. It's hard isn't it. I feel like my DD has completely given up now. She doesn't even try anymore so it's hard to see light at the end of the tunnel.
It's hard when they are at an age where they won't take any advice too.

Really hoping your DD finds her group eventually.

My DS has also given up.
I don't really want him to have one best friend though because that's a lot of pressure on the other child.

Would he prefer one best friend or a group? I think my daughter seems intent on one best friend and would struggle in a group but I also think one "best" friend would be tricky and has not worked out in the past.