Preteen and teen friendships (lack of!l

[Smugzebra]

Argh I guess id just like to hear from anyone who has been through seeing they child friend-less. Wanting friends but just disappearing and feeling invisible.

In my case dd 13 years old. I would say she is a few years behind socially and emotionally. She probably would find more in common with 11 yr olds but academically fine for age.

She is at high school and still has had absolutely no friends at all. I kept thinking just give it more time, but it's been almost 2 years now and just have no idea what to do. She is very shy and will not start a conversation just stays by herself.

Things tried:
GP
Psychotherapy
ASD/ADHD assessment

School: contacted multiple times and been offered weekly counselling, various teachers have had chats with her, offered lunch time clubs, various other things.. All turned down as she doesn't want to stand out in any way or want any attention.

After school activities: partakes in a couple, but no friendships have formed as a part of it (though the things she has chosen do not involve chatting or teamwork)

Books: tried various books on friendship, social skills, confidence, social anxiety etc etc.

I am at a loss of anything more I can do to help her but would love to hear from anyone who's child struggled with friendships and came out the other side ok. I keep thinking she will get home one day and say "guess what, I made a friend!!"

@Smugzebra just wondering how your daughter is getting on this year? Hope things have improved for her and she is happier and more settled at school. I’ve a DD in a similar situation so interested to hear how things are going.

Would your dd be interested in horses at all? Huge confidence boosters and the friends develop over a shared interest over time rather than the expectation to join a group as the main focus isn’t the people it’s the animal. Both my dc had a range of great friends through the hobby of various ages and backgrounds. You could even start with private lessons if that felt less overwhelming the progress to group, then own a pony days etc

Oops, hadn’t realised it was an old post but reply is probably relevant to anyone reading with a similar issue

Hey
I would love to offer you some real reassurance..I know it's really really hard. Sometimes all you can do is be there.

My DD has a few acquaintances now who she can chat to at school. Nothing has progressed to regular contact/going out together etc... but I'm hoping the more snippets of chit chat, the more comfortable she will be getting to know people.

There has been no magic answer to this problem. We tried all the extra curricular things she was willing to do (obviously you can't force them to go places they don't want to now!) that didn't help but I think getting out of the house definitely improves mood.

I do think something that MAY have helped was the pastoral lead at school contacting subject teachers to see if there was anything they could do to help... I'm not 100% sure anything actually happened but this could be why she was seated next to kids she gets on with. She was always sat with boys or people she didn't like before (I think they purposely avoid seating friends together to avoid distraction)

I hope things get better for you..

Thanks @Smugzebra for your advice and good to hear that your daughter is making a bit of progress and chatting to more of her classmates. I hope her confidence continues to grow and she meets some nice friends who she can be herself with.