Young toddler - will I ever have time to myself again?

[Stateyourbusiness]

It’s my first time posting on Mumsnet so please be kind…

I’m a 39yo first time mum to a young toddler. He’s a joy, happy and affectionate, with a lot of energy.

But since becoming a parent, I’ve had no time to take care of myself on even a basic level, and I wonder if I’m missing something or if that’s just par for the course (and if the latter, erm… for how long?).

My partner and I both work full-time and our son is in nursery full-time. I like my job but it’s very full-on and quite high-stress. We both get up for work at 5.30am and I’m out the door at 7am. I get home at 6pm and then it’s straight into dinner/bath/bed. By the time I’ve got back downstairs and finished tidying up, putting on a wash packing my bag for the next day and repacking his nursery bag, it’s gone 8pm. I’m mentally and physically knackered having been nonstop since 5.30am. I don’t even have the energy to sit on the sofa with my partner and watch an episode of something, I just go to bed. My child mostly sleeps well these days, so it’s not like I’m up all night. I’m just completely and utterly drained by the relentlessness of the days, juggling a busy job and parenting.

Our weekends are taken up with taking our son out to do fun things, along with laundry, tackling the clutter that’s built up over the week, meal planning, food shopping… We have a cleaner who comes once a fortnight and occasionally I’ll manage to run the hoover around between visits but that’s about it.

My partner is a great father and excellent partner who easily does 50% of the parenting and also takes care of cooking most meals for the three of us. We don’t have any help from grandparents (or anyone else) as they all live too far away.

I just don’t understand how anyone with young children who also works full time has time to get anything done, whether that’s jobs around the house, in the garden, booking a holiday, shopping for new clothes or even exercise. I’ve not had time to exercise since pregnancy. My body feels stiff, weak and achy, my posture’s terrible and I wake up every morning with a sore back. I feel like I’ve aged a decade.

I also feel awful in how I look because I’ve gone off all my clothes and don’t have time to shop online, so every time I leave the house I feel really down about what I’m wearing. I desperately need to buy new clothes but lack the time and don’t even know where to shop any more.

I just feel completely overwhelmed all the time and my brain is zapped. I used to be so organised. Now I feel like I’m constantly 10 steps behind. There are piles of stuff around the house that I never get round to tackling because there’s always something more urgent, and a million little (and large) jobs around the house that aren’t a priority but DO need doing.

Am I doing this parenting thing wrong or is it like this for everyone? It feels like other people manage better. I only have one child! How do people handle more than one? I have about 20 minutes of time to myself a day. I’m sure some people might say ’20 minutes is enough time to do some exercise’ – and you’re right, it is. But dear lord, I also need a few minutes a day to just sit down and breathe. And my 20 minutes of free time comes right at the end of the day, so I’m getting ready for bed and slapping some skincare on – I’m not about to start working out, getting sweaty and raising my heart rate at bedtime. Perhaps I’m making excuses but I do think you’ve got to be realistic.

My question for any seasoned parents is: when does it start to let up a bit? I don’t want to give up my job (and tbh we can’t afford for me to do that) but it doesn’t feel sustainable to have so little free time. It’s so soul-sapping. I loved maternity leave. Even though looking after a child full-time was challenging and tiring (hats off to any SAHMs, that shit is hard), at least I felt like I had time to think and live my life.

How does everyone else do it? If you have any time-saving tips, please send them my way. Or just general encouragement. Or even some tough love, I’ll take anything that might help atm!

Thanks for giving me food for thought re school days - I hadn’t thought that far ahead! Sounds like things will need to change then for sure.

currently doing compressed hours so my son goes to nursery four days a week, hence my long work days. He’s there 10 hours a day - luckily he loves it.

He actually does, things are very full on for both of us. He definitely pulls his weight. He is better at relaxing and switching off than me though, you’re right.

Okay, you are an actual hero. Props to you for juggling TWINS while single, with a big job too 😲 I’m in awe. And now feel like I’m complaining about nothing 😆 Sounds like you are doing an incredible job.

So you get 1 day a week at home with him?

Occasionally give him a morning in nursery.

Does he nap?

How do you get enough sleep if you get up at 5 and don’t go to bed early? I do prioritise sleep as not getting enough impacts my mental health more than anything else.

i WFH one day of the week but sadly my job isn’t very flexible. I do love that one day at home, wish it was more.

You sound really organised. Sorry your work assistant is a dick. I’d love to know the names of the skirts 😆 I literally wear about three different outfits on rotation to work.

my kid isn’t old enough to be interested in TV yet - sadly for me!

I suppose I prioritise other things such as time to myself, hobbies etc. Though I don't feel exhausted or anything, I think I'm used to it now and then DH and I each have a sleep in at the weekend unless we're busy doing something that needs us to wake up early.

I think you’re right about one parent needing to go part time. That’s what I see others doing. But we have a big mortgage (which is about to go up).

I feel for you having to go back to work so early. Breastfeeding/pumping is still so time-consuming at that age, you must be knackered, particularly with night wakings. I hope things ease up for you soon and you get more time to rest. My son started BFing a lot less after he turned one and it made a big difference.

yes, it’s the physio exercises I’m failing to find time for too! And they’re so important.

I do compressed hours and similar work pattern to you. Why do you need to get up so early? Our nursery only opens at 8 and is a walk away - I get up at 7ish!. Don’t pack a bag every day, pack it for the week! They give you any dirty stuff to take back on the day. I would pack enough for multiple changes of outfits so just do that on Sunday night (well my husband does!).

we do all online shopping or one of us picks up dinner on the way home. All cleaning products/household is set up for a monthly (or whenever needed) delivery so no thought.

Why do you need to tidy so much if you’re all out until 6pm? Just to give you an idea of a typical day for us:

Husband (H) gets up 0545 to make the train for work so can leave early for pick up and sticks a wash on.

I get up at 0700, sometimes get time for a coffee in bed, unless woken up by the toddler before. Get us both ready and get to nursery for 0800 (peg out washing if it’s a sunny day, or put on clothes horse).

H picks up at 1800, toddler has light dinner/plays with us (watering the garden is a good activity at the moment!). H takes up for bath/story/bed and puts clothes away. I cook dinner (maybe fit in 20mins workout or equivalent time with some wine and crisps on the sofa). Have dinner and a chat, watch a bit of tv or play music. H clears the kitchen and I get ready for bed, then he gets ready and we read for a bit.

Repeat until the weekend! We have a cleaner for 2hrs each week so we do no cleaning (occasional robovac if I remember). I would give up a lot of things before I’d give up our amazing cleaner. We don’t do washing every day, but little and often seems to work best as you don’t have a pile and can easily be put away.

This might need to change a bit with school, but make sure you both compromise and it’s not just you who reduces work hours. I’m sure it won’t be as your husband sounds like mine and wants to actively spend time with his child so is looking for ways to help this happen.

You can definitely make it work, cut out the tidying, do ‘useful’ playing when you get home like putting washing away together or watering the garden (rather than getting toys out). I can honestly say I don’t tidy up at all during the week as there is nothing to tidy.

You can do this, and make it enjoyable!!

I WFH one day a week but the rest is office based. I do try to take my lunch break when I can, so I get me time, but I don’t actually get anything done other than have a wander and get some lunch.

Not sure what my colleagues do but due to the nature of my role, I have less flexibility than others in my office. Certainly not possible to leave earlier.

we can’t really afford to reduce hours due to a big mortgage and nursery fees. But maybe it’s something to consider in the future.

all these comments about how it’s worse when they’re at school make me a bit nervous 😬

It is harder when they’re at school OP but it also frees you up from the nursery fees so you have more flexibility financially.

I worked in a relatively senior role when my DD was little and didn’t want my career to suffer but also wanted to do some pick ups from school.

I proposed a working pattern where I started at 9:30 5 days per week, finishing at 3pm on Wednesday and Friday and 5:30 the other days. My short days I took no lunch break and the longer days I took 30 minutes.

My employer agreed, I had a presence 5 days per week and of course no drop in workload

i moved jobs several times and took this work pattern with me. It’s only recently my DD is older I have gone back to a more standard day.

Might something like that help you? I agree with others that the balance is tipped too far to your work. You are doing 5 days compressed into 4 but actually you would have a lot more breathing space if you did 5 shorter days (I realise nursery fees come in to play here).

The mortgage seems to be part of the problem too, you don't sound like you are ready to downsize but could you reduce other outgoings as much as possible while you are paying nursery fees? Once your dc is at school you could look for an after school nanny to help out in the home and during school holidays too.

You are not doing parenting wrong - you simply have too much to do, even with a helpful OH.

It is almost impossible to work full time and try and parent a toddler without going insane. It is asking too much of yourself.

There needs to be some re-jigging of job commitments - either yours or your OH's.

thank you everyone for commenting with your thoughts and suggestions - some very good points in there and lots to think about - particularly looking ahead to school years, which I hadn’t thought about at all, but actually will probably come round quicker than I think.

Sorry I haven’t been organised enough to actually reply to all the people who kindly took time to comment. As I said, new to mumsnet. Not sure if you’re supposed to reply to everyone?! Feels rude not to but perhaps I’m missing a trick.

i particularly appreciate those who gave details of their own schedules - it’s helpful to hear how other people do things, and learn about housekeeping shortcuts and flexible working schedules I hadn’t considered.

to the single mums who replied (I think there were two of you with TWINS), I can only apologise for moaning when you have TWICE the work to do, and without a partner to help. I think you are incredible.

in all honesty, while yes it’s a punishing schedule and my job is demanding (and not very flexible), I think there’s also some laziness that plays into it (hearing how organised some of you are), and/or some kind of mineral deficiency 😆 that’s making me feel more exhausted than I should be. Plus I’m an introvert with suspected ADHD so that probably doesn’t help much with energy levels/getting things done.

I don’t know, maybe all my problems would be solved if I just drank more water 🤷🏻‍♀️