Young toddler - will I ever have time to myself again?

[Stateyourbusiness]

It’s my first time posting on Mumsnet so please be kind…

I’m a 39yo first time mum to a young toddler. He’s a joy, happy and affectionate, with a lot of energy.

But since becoming a parent, I’ve had no time to take care of myself on even a basic level, and I wonder if I’m missing something or if that’s just par for the course (and if the latter, erm… for how long?).

My partner and I both work full-time and our son is in nursery full-time. I like my job but it’s very full-on and quite high-stress. We both get up for work at 5.30am and I’m out the door at 7am. I get home at 6pm and then it’s straight into dinner/bath/bed. By the time I’ve got back downstairs and finished tidying up, putting on a wash packing my bag for the next day and repacking his nursery bag, it’s gone 8pm. I’m mentally and physically knackered having been nonstop since 5.30am. I don’t even have the energy to sit on the sofa with my partner and watch an episode of something, I just go to bed. My child mostly sleeps well these days, so it’s not like I’m up all night. I’m just completely and utterly drained by the relentlessness of the days, juggling a busy job and parenting.

Our weekends are taken up with taking our son out to do fun things, along with laundry, tackling the clutter that’s built up over the week, meal planning, food shopping… We have a cleaner who comes once a fortnight and occasionally I’ll manage to run the hoover around between visits but that’s about it.

My partner is a great father and excellent partner who easily does 50% of the parenting and also takes care of cooking most meals for the three of us. We don’t have any help from grandparents (or anyone else) as they all live too far away.

I just don’t understand how anyone with young children who also works full time has time to get anything done, whether that’s jobs around the house, in the garden, booking a holiday, shopping for new clothes or even exercise. I’ve not had time to exercise since pregnancy. My body feels stiff, weak and achy, my posture’s terrible and I wake up every morning with a sore back. I feel like I’ve aged a decade.

I also feel awful in how I look because I’ve gone off all my clothes and don’t have time to shop online, so every time I leave the house I feel really down about what I’m wearing. I desperately need to buy new clothes but lack the time and don’t even know where to shop any more.

I just feel completely overwhelmed all the time and my brain is zapped. I used to be so organised. Now I feel like I’m constantly 10 steps behind. There are piles of stuff around the house that I never get round to tackling because there’s always something more urgent, and a million little (and large) jobs around the house that aren’t a priority but DO need doing.

Am I doing this parenting thing wrong or is it like this for everyone? It feels like other people manage better. I only have one child! How do people handle more than one? I have about 20 minutes of time to myself a day. I’m sure some people might say ’20 minutes is enough time to do some exercise’ – and you’re right, it is. But dear lord, I also need a few minutes a day to just sit down and breathe. And my 20 minutes of free time comes right at the end of the day, so I’m getting ready for bed and slapping some skincare on – I’m not about to start working out, getting sweaty and raising my heart rate at bedtime. Perhaps I’m making excuses but I do think you’ve got to be realistic.

My question for any seasoned parents is: when does it start to let up a bit? I don’t want to give up my job (and tbh we can’t afford for me to do that) but it doesn’t feel sustainable to have so little free time. It’s so soul-sapping. I loved maternity leave. Even though looking after a child full-time was challenging and tiring (hats off to any SAHMs, that shit is hard), at least I felt like I had time to think and live my life.

How does everyone else do it? If you have any time-saving tips, please send them my way. Or just general encouragement. Or even some tough love, I’ll take anything that might help atm!

I agree with the others, it’s the job and not the toddler. Things like online shopping will help though.

I think as you’re exhausted you’ll have to accept that things in the house/ garden will have to give and you and your partner make sure you have some time to yourselves over the weekend.

I would definitely consider both your working patterns for when your child starts school. It’s much harder than nursery years with the shorter timings of school and childcare isn’t always the best or readily available around school hours. Sometimes there needs to be some give and take with the jobs.

Another thought but can you online shop for your food? We get our weekly shop delivered during son's dinner time on a Sunday night and it's bought us a couple of hours, other than the brief time it takes to actually do the order so really takes a bit of pressure off.

Can't you work from home sometimes? Getting things done in your commute time or lunch break makes a huge difference.

I work 5 days a week but 3 are from home

In the short term, use some annual leave to book a day or half day off and either rest or go shopping/swimming/whatever is your preference.

How do your weekends look? Can you agree between you to take a few hours each to yourself?

Your schedule is quite brutal. Is there anyway you can get up a bit later? Or do 1 task a day at lunch e.g. online shopping? I know this probably feels impossible but you do need to look after yourself and not burn out.

Whilst your toddler will probably become less tiring as they get older, they will still need your attention in other ways e.g. help with homework. Your schedule sounds packed even without your child.

I don't have a response, just support. We're goign on holiday tonight and I remember the old days pre kids when I'd have had a manicure and pedicure, been shopping to buy myself a few nice pieces of clothing and accessories and generally been excited. Apart from running into boots and next to grab some kid essentials, I've not had time to prep other than writing lists and sorting the now much more stressful packing. I feel like I run to work, run home from work, there is no time that isn't quality time with kids, work and sleep. My schedule is up at 5, work to 6.30 when kids wake, spend time with kids until nanny comes at 8.30, run to work to be in on time, rush home for 6, put kids to bed at 7.30, eat, a bit of work or personal admin and then sleep at 9, wake up with kids a few times during the night until alarm goes off at 5.30 and start again. It's bloody exhausting and I crave time just alone. Once every few months I take a days leave and have a night and day in a spa hotel just to relax - it really helps.

I don't know anyone else who both work 7-6 and have a toddler. Majority work 4 days each ime.

Your toddler isn't the issue. Your jobs are.

It’s the working full time, you can do both but this is what it cost.

Similar-ish here. The mornings are less early but we often work again after the kids are in bed at night. We have a cleaner twice a week for two hours which makes a big difference. All shopping is online - clothes, food, everything. We’ve rearranged work so we each get what averages 3h a week of solo time on a weekday. Exercise happens by tag teaming and only fit it in once a week.

I’m still frazzled though! But these things do help.

Yeah your toddler isn't the problem seeing as he's almost straight in to bed and out the house all day.
Surely your current set up is not sustainable??

I work 34hrs across 4 days but an hours commute each way so leave at 7ish and home with toddler collected on way for 5.30. Husband full time but some days wfh. Leaving aside the day off I have, which is spent with toddler but can at least put wash on etc we cope by:

Cleaner once a week (we have pets so need it)
Online shop/click & collect so hours not wasted shopping at weekend
One of us showers in eve whilst he's in bath, so no need for so much morning getting ready time. I also do skin/get into pjs etc whilst hes in bath. We are up at 6.15 to be out the door for 7.10
If you prep the night before I don't see that you'd need 90 mins to get out the door - toddler eat at nursery?
Clean up before they go up to bed/whilst theyre playing so once they're asleep you don't have to do much else.
Low prep lunches for yourself
Plan some easy midweek dinners eg jacket potato, low prep pasta etc so that only a few days need proper cooking. We also do gousto as it takes some effort away.
Each of you get a lie in on weekend even just an hour, then an hour or so free time during day, or longer whilst still leaving time for family things.
As for life admin - lists lists lists!!

My child goes to sleep at 8pm as he hasn't yet dropped nap, I'm tired by 9 but at least get an hour or so to myself. We make time for socializing separately and do house jobs whilst one takes the other out to park etc

I suggest that each weekend you and DH each take the toddler out for a couple of hours separately, so the other one gets some time to exercise and relax. Don't do any chores in this time - it's "me time".

I don't have a long commute, so I get up at 6:30, leave the house with the kids at 7:15 and I'm at my desk at 7:45, home by 5pm and we eat dinner 5:30-6. Kids bedtime is 7-7:30 so latest 8-10 is free time for us to sit and watch TV etc.

We have a cleaner and we send half our laundry out as well. We outsource as much as possible to keep our weekends free

Did you do the same hours before becoming a parent? It’s a long day however you look at it.

But yes, with kids their days get longer as they get older. They’re still very reliant on you (our oldest is 19 and still needs Mum’s advice quite frequently!) but things change a lot in terms of having time for yourself once they’re more independent catching buses and trains and then another big change once they’re pass their driving test!

Something needs to change in your house or you’ll both burn out.

Also to add you need to divide and conquer, you don't both need to be there for dinner and bed. Take it in turns. 2 nights a week I go to the gym and DH does dinner and bed for kids, and I'll reheat leftovers when I get back, and vice versa him twice a week

I can sympathise with this. We have a 2yr old and both work full time although our schedules are less crammed than yours (out the house at 8am), but both working in the office and 2 dogs, with no family help (3 grandparents dead, 1 working full time)

The only other people I know who work full time with young kids either have round the clock grand parents help, au pairs or Nannies

We’re about to have child #2 and have realised that both working full time, in office jobs is impossible and making the family stressed and unhappy, and no time for ourselves.

my tips which slightly improved things - we keep weekends low key, all family time at home
-weekly cleaner (although tidying up for the cleaner I hate!)
-meals midweek are easy with minimal cooking
-does your toddler still nap? Use nap time on weekends to have some downtime / exercise
-we have friends with young kids who split their weekend into half days, each parent gets a half day to do what they want, there’s a family half day and then a half day for events or things that need doing. This works for them well.
-batch cooking and mini portion toddler meals for the week so they eat well.
-I found a way to make my worst chore easier (sorting dried washing)

can you get any kind of home exercise machine so you could try do something post kids bedtime? I feel like I’ve completely lost myself since my first and cannot wait to get that back and has been a key reason for us having another child so quickly.

this might not be possible with your hours but we try and make time with our toddler in the week, both morning and evening unrushed and enjoyable - I’m fortunate to be able to do that and be late for work rather than rushed. We both do bedtime if at home (this seems counterintuitive to being stressed but it’s family time and we enjoy it)

Things that may help:
robot hoover to pick up crumbs etc every day
setting timer on your washing machine to finish at 5am, so the load can be hung up before you leave. That way you can stagger washing through the week

A couple things that jump out at me, having worked these hours;

If you’re out of the house 7-6 every day, there shouldn’t be much clutter. Do a quick 10 minute tidy up at 8pm (that’s before we even start bedtime at our house so you have at least 2 extra hours every day). Then limited clutter at the weekends to deal with.

Do meal planning and do an online food shop on your break from work. I used to do it on the train commuting home. So then not left to the weekend. I never set foot really in a supermarket to do an actual shop. It’s a time consuming and draining task. Much easier if it just comes to me.

Don’t get hung up on every weekend being days out and family time. Do things separately sometimes. Your partner takes toddler out for the day and you stay home for a nap and read a book. Or go do an activity you enjoy.

If your child isn’t breastfeeding, book yourself a weekend or more away. No doubt your partner has had nights away since you became parents or will want to in the near future. I go away for at least 5 days alone without dc or dh every year. Last year I walked part of the Camino de Santiago for 9 days. When dd was 16 months, I went to Australia for 2 weeks (it was for work but I did lots of relaxing things too). But it doesn’t have to be a big thing. Last weekend Dh did an all day cycling thing on Saturday and I spent Sunday napping and gardening.

You have to parent smarter not harder to a degree and you have to take time for yourself rather than expecting it just to happen to you.

It’s normal in my view.
hellish but it gets better.

have you thought about how you’re gonna handle your work hours when your child starts school? It’s a whole new ball game of fun.!

Also do get yourself checked out health wise too. Life with small children is knackering, yes. And you may very well simply be burnt out. But when I felt as tired as you are describing and achy, I was vitamin D deficient (especially if you breastfed).

Your life sounds too difficult right now. You are doing the right thing by making sure your son gets everything he needs and time doing the right things at the weekend but it's running the two grown-ups ragid.

I've worked full-time with a toddler and no family help but a couple of things made it doable:

• husband teaches so long holidays to sort things that have built up like DIY
• I had a good amount of annual leave at work and took 4 weeks unpaid parental leave a year so I had lots of time off

-my job was reasonably flexible for popping out to appointments or letting the boiler in then working at home or making up time later -hardly any travel required in either of our jobs

• I had a very short commute and an amazing flexible childminder

These things made life OK. You need to find something like that to make it work or reduce hours. I have two now and have gone part-time which is a financial strain but short-term.

Also it does get easier. You need to drive older kids to tons of places but can often take a book and read or have a quiet coffee and catch up with admin whilst they do an activity. You can also just send them off to shower and go to bed without having to bath them! Days out are easier and more relaxed too as you don't have to lug a pram and changing bag everywhere and keep a constant eye on them.

Hello, I’m 40 with a three year old and I’m a single mum. Here are my tips:

1. Prioritise your health and wellbeing second only to your child’s. It is more vital than a clean home and doing well at work.
2. cut out chunks of time for you and protect them at all costs. For example, leave the building at work at lunch time and walk in the fresh air listening to a podcast.
3. make a plan with your partner to give each other a chunk of the weekend, and protect this time too. Whether it’s a lie in, or a yoga class, make a commitment to keep this appointment for each other. Put it in the family calendar.
4. lower your expectations both at work and home. This is hard but essential. So don’t work overtime or take on unnecessary tasks at work, and let the mugs build up in the sink when you are frazzled.
5. outsource as much as you can. Could your cleaner come more often? Could you get someone else to mow the lawn
6. use your annual leave to give yourself a break. I realise you’ve probably planned this out for the year but see if you can give yourself a day off a month

This is me, too. I condense my hours so I work 6am-4pm to collect my kid from nursery 4 days a week, and then I have 3 days off with her. It's definitely better because I at least get one hour on my non working day while she naps to do some household stuff. My kid doesn't sleep well too so I'm fucking exhausted

I have no advice, just in the same boat and wondering when it gets easier

We also work full time, and 50:50 parent two children at nursery, and it's tough to find time for things like self-care and exercise - we both do way less exercise than we did pre-kids. For us the main difference is that we live closer to work, so have a shorter commute, and we can work from home or with slightly flexible hours at least some of the time. If you have a long commute, is any of it by train? If so, that might be when you do online things like book holidays.

Otherwise, like PPs, we try to save time where possible: we now have a cleaner weekly instead of fortnightly. We do our grocery shopping online, both contributing to a meal plan and shopping list which we write on the family whiteboard, and then whoever has the energy updates the online shop the night before it's due. We put our washing on a timer overnight and stick it in the dryer in the morning. And we've realised we need to prioritise our own and each other's exercise, so we're finding ways to carve out time for that.

(PP who says you don't need to feed your kids if they're at nursery all day has clearly never met my kids!).

We do sometimes tag team at the weekend but I only end up getting maybe 2-3 hours if they go to the park, and that doesn’t go very far when there’s always so much to do!

its tricky to move jobs in my industry - there aren’t many jobs at all. Certainly not at my current level.

thanks for your sweet response!