Young toddler - will I ever have time to myself again?

[Stateyourbusiness]

It’s my first time posting on Mumsnet so please be kind…

I’m a 39yo first time mum to a young toddler. He’s a joy, happy and affectionate, with a lot of energy.

But since becoming a parent, I’ve had no time to take care of myself on even a basic level, and I wonder if I’m missing something or if that’s just par for the course (and if the latter, erm… for how long?).

My partner and I both work full-time and our son is in nursery full-time. I like my job but it’s very full-on and quite high-stress. We both get up for work at 5.30am and I’m out the door at 7am. I get home at 6pm and then it’s straight into dinner/bath/bed. By the time I’ve got back downstairs and finished tidying up, putting on a wash packing my bag for the next day and repacking his nursery bag, it’s gone 8pm. I’m mentally and physically knackered having been nonstop since 5.30am. I don’t even have the energy to sit on the sofa with my partner and watch an episode of something, I just go to bed. My child mostly sleeps well these days, so it’s not like I’m up all night. I’m just completely and utterly drained by the relentlessness of the days, juggling a busy job and parenting.

Our weekends are taken up with taking our son out to do fun things, along with laundry, tackling the clutter that’s built up over the week, meal planning, food shopping… We have a cleaner who comes once a fortnight and occasionally I’ll manage to run the hoover around between visits but that’s about it.

My partner is a great father and excellent partner who easily does 50% of the parenting and also takes care of cooking most meals for the three of us. We don’t have any help from grandparents (or anyone else) as they all live too far away.

I just don’t understand how anyone with young children who also works full time has time to get anything done, whether that’s jobs around the house, in the garden, booking a holiday, shopping for new clothes or even exercise. I’ve not had time to exercise since pregnancy. My body feels stiff, weak and achy, my posture’s terrible and I wake up every morning with a sore back. I feel like I’ve aged a decade.

I also feel awful in how I look because I’ve gone off all my clothes and don’t have time to shop online, so every time I leave the house I feel really down about what I’m wearing. I desperately need to buy new clothes but lack the time and don’t even know where to shop any more.

I just feel completely overwhelmed all the time and my brain is zapped. I used to be so organised. Now I feel like I’m constantly 10 steps behind. There are piles of stuff around the house that I never get round to tackling because there’s always something more urgent, and a million little (and large) jobs around the house that aren’t a priority but DO need doing.

Am I doing this parenting thing wrong or is it like this for everyone? It feels like other people manage better. I only have one child! How do people handle more than one? I have about 20 minutes of time to myself a day. I’m sure some people might say ’20 minutes is enough time to do some exercise’ – and you’re right, it is. But dear lord, I also need a few minutes a day to just sit down and breathe. And my 20 minutes of free time comes right at the end of the day, so I’m getting ready for bed and slapping some skincare on – I’m not about to start working out, getting sweaty and raising my heart rate at bedtime. Perhaps I’m making excuses but I do think you’ve got to be realistic.

My question for any seasoned parents is: when does it start to let up a bit? I don’t want to give up my job (and tbh we can’t afford for me to do that) but it doesn’t feel sustainable to have so little free time. It’s so soul-sapping. I loved maternity leave. Even though looking after a child full-time was challenging and tiring (hats off to any SAHMs, that shit is hard), at least I felt like I had time to think and live my life.

How does everyone else do it? If you have any time-saving tips, please send them my way. Or just general encouragement. Or even some tough love, I’ll take anything that might help atm!

I'd be knackered too if I got up at 5.30 every day! I get up at 7am on office days - I have a 50 min commute- and 8am on wfh days. I've got teens though. Unsurprisingly I'm not tired and have lots of time to do stuff. Do you have to get up so early and be at work so early?

You need to take some time away from your job, drop down to 4 days a week or take some unpaid leave from work. You need some time for you.

Same here but instead of it being 8pm when you get to sit down, the kids grow up and it's more like 10pm when you have to pick them up from their activities!!@

I think it’s your job / long hours that’s the problem, not the toddler.

Toddlerhood is hard. They need you so much still, it’s hard to find time to breathe.

But I promise it gets easier. As your little one grows, they’ll need you less and less, until the time comes that you’ll ache for these days. Cliche I know, but it’s true.

While you’re in it, it’s bloody hard work!

But, there is one toddler and two of you. You need to tag-team, especially at weekends. So maybe one of you take him out on a Sunday morning so the other can clean/shop/meal plan/batch cook etc, whatever you need to do to take some pressure off the evenings during the week.

Give priority to the things that NEED doing and forget the ones that don’t, for now.

Don’t be afraid to plonk DC in front of a TV for half an hour to give you time to eat/shower/have a cup of tea in peace. It’s ok.

But above all remember, this too shall pass. It does get easier.

As an aside, could you look at moving jobs so your work day is shorter?

Lots of us don’t work 5 days a week, and lots of us also have flexibility, can wfh some days, don’t have to get up at 5.30am or out the door at 7am and get back before 6pm. You’re doing too much, I wouldn’t cope with that either. It doesn’t get easier when they’re at school, in fact it’s harder as have to sort wrap around care and juggle some pick ups unless you want them in wrap around every day, plus the school events to go to, so I would look at dropping some hours or getting a job with more flexibility. It must also be a very long week for your DC in childcare 5 days a week with long days.

Just to say I'm feeling the same and I know how you feel! I've got a 4 year old and a 1 year old and we are both working full time. My 4 year old starts school in September and I can see things getting easier with him now but we also have our 1 year old so still feel in the middle of it all. I keep telling myself it will just be a few hard years then it will start to get better! Hold on in there 💪🏻

I don't know anyone where both parents work in jobs requiring them to be out of the house at 7am 5 days a week without a shit load of help.

What you are trying to do is insane. No one is managing that and coming out of the other end still in one piece.

Does your husband also only get 20mins a day to himself out of interest?

I’m the same, so I feel your pain. I’m mum to twin pre-schoolers, and working more than full-time in a senior, stressful role. I’m also single, so no help at home.
Like you, I don’t have a second. Every minute of the day is spent minding young kids, working and housework.
The house is full of clutter, but no time to tackle it. My ToDo list just gets longer, but no time to get anything done. No time for self-care, exercise, etc.
I guess it’ll get a bit better when they’re about 12.
So no advice, just solidarity!😆

Do you have any financial flexibility to have the cleaner come more often or to get a nanny for part of the week? Buying in help makes a big difference.

Take a few hours for yourself on Saturday or Sunday and give DH the same. Your DS will enjoy some one on one time and the parent not on duty will have some much needed personal time.

The schedule sounds very demanding. As previous posters have asked: do you bed to get up so early / work such long hours? Does your husband work so long as well? Is wfh to save commute time an option for some days?

other than that I would only think to do maybe a little shift on weekends so both of you get a couple of hours me time.

One of you could do with reducing your job hours a bit, if it’s tiring for you just imagine what it’s like for a toddler. Things get better in a way but your child won’t ever need you less and those hours aren’t really sustainable once they are in school.

Definitely tag team some of the weekend, eg you always have 8-12 Saturday morning to yourself, make and have lunch altogether, then he has 2-6 to himself (or similar). Leave the house and do something nice, a swim or a film. Or a spa/ nails appt.
The things that are non urgent aren’t going to be done. Accept that now & forget about them.
As pp have said, why 90mins of time before you leave the house? DS can have breakfast at nursery surely if leaving that early, I would shower the night before and get up 20 mins before we all needed to leave.
Can you and DH sit down and consider your careers and whether you can take them in a more flexible direction. Being out of the house 7-6pm everyday is unnecessary these days in the vast majority of careers?

I'm up at 5am every day during the week and I don't go to bed early so after 7pm when DC are in bed, that's when I have time to myself.

I'm assuming that WFH so you can be a bit more flexible isn't an option? That works well for me and balancing working full time with young DC.

I also agree with pp's about tag teaming at the weekend so both of you can have a break.

Fellow full time working mum to a toddler and just started school age child. It is brutal. We got a cleaner once every two weeks once work from home was decreasing (I wish it was more), and frankly I shouldn't be using 3 hours of work time to clean my house, I should be working. We meal prep a lot in advance, do a big Sunday meal and keep the leftovers for lunches/a dinner or two. Try to make the children easy food, probably get takeout one to two times as week. A slow cooker can be very helpful for a set it and forget it type meal. With regards to clothes, I feel you. A work assistant has named my skirts because I wear them on rotation so frequently (she doesn't know I know this, but I do, and it really hurt). It does get better, mine is an older toddler now, and the other in school. The time suck is still there, but it's different. As someone said, don't let the guilt play in. Feel free to give an hour of a cartoon if you need to do something, cook, clean, get a mental break. We're all human and surviving through this.

Yeah I feel you. I have a 9 month old and work in quite a senior job and have been back at work since 7 months (I live abroad and taking 7 months was actually very generous, most women here get 12 weeks!!!). I have zero time to myself. I don't even have time for physio, which I really needed to recover from my birth injuries. Goodbye pelvic floor.

I am the higher earner and for the first time in my life I resent the hell out of it. I was horribly sick all 9 months of pregnancy and couldn't take a single sick day. Still breastfeeding so doing all night wakings. I am either working, sleeping, pumping or breastfeeding.

I look around me and it seems the answer is for one parent to go part time....

Is your job office based with no wfh? Or do you work elsewhere such as hospital? If the former, can you start to take a full lunch break and use that for exercise/haircut/me time? Or skip the lunch and leave work at 4 instead of 5?

What do your colleagues with young children do? Because I don’t think it should be such slog and there must be options to reduce hours for both you and your partner? You can review again once toddler starts school.

I'd be looking into a different job, or at least a bit of WFH

Sounds bloody relentless

I have a senior job and a lone parent to twins plus one and have been since twins were babies. Honestly with hours like yours I’m not surprised you are feeling burnout - I work from home 1-2 days - this enables me to use my “commute” to get things done - stick the washing on run a hoover round etc. without this the house would be a disaster. i can even get in some amounts of DIY! I don’t think there is any cure for the relentlessness - even when school starts it will be the same. So you either need to re assess your job or take on more outside help like maintenance company / ironing / gardener / housekeeper etc

Your toddler isn’t the problem, your job is. Our generation of women were told we could have and do it all and that’s BS because something has to give and it’s normally the mother’s mental health. If I were you I’d consider dropping down to part time if it’s affordable or buying in more help; weekly cleaner, someone to do the ironing and gardening.

My dp and I were very strict about making sure we had at least half a day alone at the weekend.One of us would take the child/children out and the other was forbidden to do any “house jobs”. Or one of us would stay home with the children and the other would go out by themselves. You do both have to be properly invested in this though!

How much can there be to tidy up if you’re out of the house all day? You don’t even need to feed your child as he’ll be fed at nursery?

If you’re working FT then no, you won’t have time to yourself. Drop a day and enjoy a day to yourself, or a day with your child if less pay means dropping a nursery day. Then when he starts school you’ll have a day to yourself. Also what’s your plan for the 13 weeks of school holiday a year? If you and DH can both drop a day then you’ll only have 3 days a week to cover.

Other suggestion is you each get a weekend day/morning to yourself but I understand if you want family time. That’s why half a day might be better - each get 1:1 time with DS, each get alone time, and then the rest of the time family time.

Hi OP. I thought I had written your post. It's relentless isn't it?

You're doing the right thing outsourcing help. Can the cleaner come more frequently?

It's so important to look after yourself. Can you agree with your husband to have some time to yourself at the weekend, maybe he takes toddler on Saturday morning to let you go to the shops or do something you need to do then you can return the favour? My husband takes toddler and dog a walk every weekend morning and it's such a relief the minute the door closes.

It's a bank holiday on Monday and I have the day off work. I'm putting son into nursery and taking the day to myself. I think you just need to try and steal away little bits of time when you can.

I'm due to go on mat leave again shortly and I'm contemplating returning part time after that, if we can make it work. It's like a never ending treadmill run. I'm sure it will get better but it seems so far off right now. Not much advice I'm afraid, just solidarity with you.

Don’t go food shopping at the weekend. Get an online delivery of basics booked in every week, or 10 days, then add extra bits the night or two before. Yes, you may end up with a less exciting selection of meals, but it will make life easier.

What form does your commute take? Could you do that by bike to add in some exercise, or listen to an audiobook or podcast to carve out some me time?

Honestly, I think as things stand currently you are setting yourselves up to fail. I ended up going part time 4 days a week a few months after maternity leave, in a new job, and only went back to 5 days a week once DC was 10. I needed this flexibility.
Nursery is the easy bit. At school there are regular events, often with little notice, and no one wants their child to be the only one without someone there every time.
If you both have big jobs, is it time to sit down and consider what you are working For? Because for children, time with you is worth more than almost anything else, and it goes so fast.

Solidarity mama. I am up at 530 too (or earlier depending when the toddler wakes up). I have a 23mo and a 3yo (4 in July and starts school in September). Out the house at 730. Back at 515pm. DH WFH so he does do laundry or odd jobs around the house but the piles of stuff are still everywhere, we don’t have a cleaner. Honestly the only people who are doing brilliantly have a weekly cleaner, grandparents on hand, and work part time. I do 4 days a week but the day I have off I have with the children who have to be doing something by 830 or they bounce off the walls. Self care is my biggest issue. I’m overweight, everything aches. We have family time at the weekend but tbh I wish we split it sometimes, my children are in a mummy stage and I’m exhausted from being pulled or climbed on all day, I can’t do anything for longer than 5 minutes without hearing “mummy”.