9yo massive tantrum after playing Fortnite

[SidonieBaker]

DTS2 had (as usual) an enormous tantrum after being told to come off Fortnite tonight - the rule is, he gets an hour to play and that's it - his behaviour is absolutely horrendous if he's on any longer. Tonight he was told he had an hour, left for the hour, no interruptions - I went back in after the hour and told him that was it. He asked for a couple of minutes to finish off a round and I said ok, then at the end of that it was clear he wasn't anywhere near finished and it was just a fib, so I switched the internet off. He had been told and told and told and told that he had strictly an hour, we were going out so there was no possibility of extra time, etc etc - and he still went apeshit

When I say apeshit - shouting, screaming, swearing - picked up his belt and swung it at me and DTS1, we both got hit with the buckle (DTS1 worse than me). More tantrumming, more swearing, threats to call Childline, threats to leave home, and so on. Told me what an awful person and mum I am, he hates me, he'd rather just live with DP as DP doesn't restrict his Fortnite time... on and on and on.

I loathe the game, his behaviour is terrible after playing, he's bright red and screaming - I'd never have let the DTs have it myself but DP caved in when he learned that most of the kids at their football club play (same age - all 8/ 9/ 10yo) and quite a lot of their school friends too. DTS1 will whine and whine for more playing time but doesn't have an absolute meltdown over it like DTS2.

He's slightly calmer now and I said I'm not going to discuss it with him again, he can wait and talk to DP when he gets back from work as he clearly won't listen to me anyway. I've switched the internet off to his PC and frankly it won't be coming back on any time soon, his behaviour has been appalling and he needs to understand that - but I'm at a loss for what else to do, he doesn't even seem to get that he could have seriously injured me and/ or his brother.

A close friend's DS turned violent at 13/ 14, they'd been very close up to him turning around 12 and then suddenly he started being rude, secretive, school refusing etc - it ended up with him hitting her, threatening her etc until she had to arrange for him to live with his DF as she was scared of being injured. I keep thinking about that now and thinking, what if that's DTS2? What if he starts doing that when he's bigger than me and stronger than me?

If anyone has any words of wisdom they would be much appreciated. I'm still in shock really and upset that he's spoilt what had been a nice day (we were going to go to his sports club too but couldn't as he was being so awful) and maybe I'm catastrophising based on my friend? But really I just don't know how to make him see that his behaviour is not normal/ acceptable!

With this behaviour the punishment would be not to play it for a week. I would also give a count down, 15 mins until your off as they get lost in the game and don't realise how much time is left. He needs to learn the consequences of his behaviour, giving in because he's been good for a couple of days doesn't work. Having a week not playing it should be enough time for them to hopefully prevent outbursts like this

I’d be telling him (when he’s calmed down) that he’s demonstrated that he’s not old enough to play it. And stop him playing it.

its up to you if you try a long term ban or a shorter one to allow him to demonstrate that he can handle coming off.

I did / do this with both children even when little when they got cross at something coming to an end but would allow a repeat attempt (eg certain tv progs) but that’s different to a game like this.

We’ve not done Fortnite at all. He plays out with his friends a lot.

YouTube kids app affected ds1 at aged 9, his general attitude. It was stopped for well over a year.

that’s lovely

I understand the difficulty arising from peer pressure. You will need to agree with your DP so both of you can be consistent on Fortnite.
Mine is a girl, so no interest in Fortnite. But she had asked to have a mobile phone, play Roblox and access to a kids chat app, just because her friends had gone on them. We caved in for Roblox, but after seeing some of the scenes (not sure the correct terminologies), we agreed that she shouldn't be on them. We refused to give her a mobile phone and didn't let her joining a group chat with her friends either. We explained the reason why we didn't agree and she eventually stopped asking.

Obviously, she compared us against her friends' parents 😆 But I simply said that we were not them and she just had to accept it unless she wanted to adopt new parents 😁

Fortnight is a 13+ game for a reason. Don't let your 9 year old play it, doesn't matter if all his friends are playing. You explain its not meant for younger children and it's upto other parents what they do but your sticking to the guidelines.

This is not the first thread where a parent is having problems with a young child playing this game. It's really not a good idea to ignore age recommendations for games.

It’s considered the most addictive game around at the moment

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-63911176

i remember teaching a child in a send school who had Autism. When asked to come if a device it was as if he went into withdrawal. It affected him physically. Would become similarly violent etc. timers worked in that situation but the level of immediate physical dysregulation I’ll never forget.

My 10 year old became obsessed with Fortnite, thinking and planning when he could play next consumed his every waking moment. Not that he was playing mid week or anything but it was very unhealthy - it was endlessly asking for more time, or 'just 3 mins to finish this etc'.

We found it easier to ban it completely rather than reduce his time. We may give it back this summer but I'd prefer not.

He sounds like he is suffering from addiction. This game is designed to cause serious dopamine addiction. I would remove it entirely and permanently and send him outside with a ball.

Well the obvious answer is get rid of Fortnite. It’s really the only answer.

Don’t let him play it then? Who’s in control here?

Yes.

my daughter isn’t a gamer so I wasn’t ready for this from my son. He is not pleasant if he’s left to game too long. We don’t allow fortnight or similar games at home, but even just playing Zelda for a while can be rough. So we have a lot of rules around screens and it’s much, much better. If friends come round they know now they have to play outside or in his room for a while before even thinking about a screen. He is so much happier staying active. He’s actually getting really into reading right now which is great too.

Op - I would personally get rid of fortnight altogether. It’s a terrible game with proven impacts on children. I wouldn’t want either of your children on there. Am aware there’s peer pressure etc but you can see the impact for yourself. Will be a few rough weeks and then I’d guess it will be much better.

Be the parent not a ‘friend’ and ban the game full stop he’s way too young

He hit you with his belt buckle. There would be no more computer games until 2027 in my household if one of my dc had done that.

Sounds like you've got a DP problem?

I would remove the computers and all screen based games. Go cold turkey.

Thank you to everyone for the kind responses (apart from a few who clearly have never set a foot wrong with their own parenting ) - Fortnite has been banned for the foreseeable future. I've told DTS2 (Dear Twin Son 2!) that it will be at least a week before we even discuss him possibly getting it back, and after that any game playing time will be completely depending on him earning it once we feel that his behaviour has reached a certain level - good suggestion there @Lolapusht

Just to be clear - I didn't allow him the game, didn't want him to have it, would rather he'd never started playing it and don't have access to delete it - DP set it up and can control access from his phone, the most I can do is cut off the internet access (which I did today). I'd usually give a countdown during playing time - 30 minutes left, 15 minutes, 10 minutes etc - but he said he had a clock next to him, didn't need the countdown and found it more irritating to have one, hence I didn't do it today. DP was swayed to allow them to download it in the first place by the other kids at their club and school playing it which is completely true, as I do know who's on it. They have one friend who has completely unrestricted access to it - can play as much as he likes, whenever he likes - and another who doesn't get that much gaming time but is allowed several hours and can eat his dinner whilst playing. Both of those seem crazy to me but hey ho, not my DC and I can't stop them.

DP & I talked to him together (and thanks to @bostonchamps for that, completely true, I don't want him to feel like nothing is 'serious' till DP does it) - DP was all in favour of deleting it completely which made DTS2 panic at the thought of losing all his progress, figures etc - we've compromised on the game staying but he won't be playing it for a good long time.

That's a lovely phrase about "games should be fun" @TourangaLeila, I'll have to remember that one - DTS2 is so competitive that I think he often forgets it! @ohfook I have really noticed that DTS2 is more miserable after he finishes playing - you'd think oh, he's had his playing time, all's well and now he'll have his dinner/ play with something else/ go on the trampoline - but no, he's still hyper and constantly wants more gaming time.

@DysmalRadius thank you for the lovely way of talking to him about it, I've told him that we love him and should have noticed that he isn't coping, which I think soothed him a bit. He couldn't even get to sleep as he was so sad about what happened this evening (join the club, I didn't have much sympathy for him on that one as I'm still in panic mode myself!) but you're right, he needed to know that the game is too much for him and one of these outbursts is too many.

Urrrgghhhh, it's been a long and stressful evening - thanks again for all the messages, they have been much appreciated

Which is it OP, “banned for the foreseeable future” or for a week? You say both.

You clearly haven’t listened to the advice here, which is that it is entirely unsuitable for a young child and he should have access to it at all.

@CrownCoats, please do read the post before having a go at me again commenting - I've put Fortnite is 'banned for the foreseeable future' and then 'it will be at least a week before we even discuss him possibly getting it back'. Again, please note the word possibly in the sentence above

Just to be clear: it is completely banned for now. We won't even discuss him possibly getting him back for over a week. If he gets it back, it won't be for a good long time. I have put all the above in my PP and also explained again that I didn't give the game to him in the first place, so your sniping towards me is completely misplaced here.

And, that's why I didn't let mine game under 16.

I would totally ban screens/Internet until the start of the school holidays.

No more Fortnite until he's a least 12 and all screen time to be in the main living room fully supervised.

Change the WiFi password.

Bin his belt as well (Irrelevant but where does a kid nowadays get the idea that a belt can be used as a weapon 😱)

My son was getting very frustrated with gaming. Shouting at the game, punching the sofa type thing. Swearing out of frustration. We removed it. We explained that he wasn't mature enough to play it yet. If I were you, I would be saying the same. I also instill that it's a game & not real life which means sometimes they can't finish the game & come off means off - without moaning/huffing. Sounds like you're on top of it but I would suggest going longer than a week. Not enough time for him to reflect & make any behavioral changes. I would consider 1 month

When I say removed, I mean that specific game not the whole console. So I would do 1 week no console but 1 month minimum no fortune. Try a different game? Fall guys or track mania are good

Is it banned for his brother too?

@dddilemma yes, DTS2 has been told often enough that he must come off at X time, but 95% of the time he will just whine for more time 'to finish his game' - if it was a Mario Kart game or something which I knew would be two minutes it wouldn't be so bad, but he does the large Fortnite games which can be 20 - 30 minutes. Even when I give him a 5 minute warning he'd then join one of these games and kick off when told no, he couldn't finish it. I'll look at those other games for when he might be allowed access again, thank you.

@Stripeyanddotty yes, it is - which doesn't seem totally fair as he isn't half as bad as DTS2 - but I just don't want to see the game ever until we feel they're both ready for it.

Looking at the responses above and going off today's events, I can't believe that some of the DC we know are allowed to play on it for hours and hours - my DC will be 10 in three months but I know that some of the kids on there (their friends) aren't even 9 yet - it was one thing them playing Minecraft but Fortnite seems a whole new level of addiction